thecrucible Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Hey, I was seeing a psychologist several years ago who diagnosed me with anxiety and said that I will struggle with perfectionism my entire life. The main thing is that I can't deal with uncertainty or anything that I can't control. I try and create the perfect situations so that I feel safe and not fail. I had a three year relationship (we broke up almost 4 years ago) with a guy who ticked everything on my list. But the relationship died partly because of my own errors but also because he lost interest in me. I try and look for guys like him when I date. Sometimes I meet good guys but they don't make me feel the same way; and I'm too scared to go against what I've always been looking for. I feel like I have to date a particular kind of man to fit my vision of how my life will be - someone who represents who I wish I was. For me it's not a judgement of anyone as a person - it's just what I know is safe for me. I'm scared if I go against this, it will fail and I'll feel trapped. This manifests strongly in online dating. And also in the early stages of a relationship. I've ruined stuff before by overanalysing things in the beginning and scaring the guy off with my neurotic emotions. I really want love but spoil things for myself. What can I do?
ScreaminEagle Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Hey, I was seeing a psychologist several years ago who diagnosed me with anxiety and said that I will struggle with perfectionism my entire life. The main thing is that I can't deal with uncertainty or anything that I can't control. I try and create the perfect situations so that I feel safe and not fail. I had a three year relationship (we broke up almost 4 years ago) with a guy who ticked everything on my list. But the relationship died partly because of my own errors but also because he lost interest in me. I try and look for guys like him when I date. Sometimes I meet good guys but they don't make me feel the same way; and I'm too scared to go against what I've always been looking for. I feel like I have to date a particular kind of man to fit my vision of how my life will be - someone who represents who I wish I was. For me it's not a judgement of anyone as a person - it's just what I know is safe for me. I'm scared if I go against this, it will fail and I'll feel trapped. This manifests strongly in online dating. And also in the early stages of a relationship. I've ruined stuff before by overanalysing things in the beginning and scaring the guy off with my neurotic emotions. I really want love but spoil things for myself. What can I do? Hey there. I would find another Psychologist, one that is more suited towards interpersonal relationships and anxiety, and especially Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I very much understand your way of thinking. You are scared to come out of your comfort zone because you are used to a certain way of doing things, I wouldn't really categorize as being a perfectionist, but more of a social anxiety related trait (not a doctor just giving an opinion). I find it disenchanting that this Psychologist made that statement that you will struggle your whole life but did not provide you the coping tools or tools necessary to change what you want to change, which is your way of thinking. Everyone deserves to be happy, but if you continually date someone who triggers your anxiety, your social life is in for an emotional rollercoaster. A life coach can help, if you are willing to put in the work to change. I hope things work out for you.
Mirages Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 The first step is accomplished, having insight into your problem. I have found that most with disorders deny or redirect blame, good on that front. I feel that what you describe may fall into OCPD Obsessive Compusive Personality Disorder, just a thought, for some more reading. Not saying we even care if you fit the OCPD list, just thought you might benefit from reading about it. This is not OCD, distinct. I have a family member who is overwhelmed with such symptoms, never was productive, a wrecker of all relationships. I, as a child, had some of it, shook it by 20. So using just me as an example, I shook it during a time I moved, took a new adventuresome career, i.e. put myself in the middle of others' dysfunction to the point where the perfectionism became less central. One thing that really caused me to give it up was analytical assessments of that family member, i.e. I will not allow myself to emulate him/her, thus I must find a functional path... Just another thought, are you trapped in a particular religious or secular mindset, i.e. member of the **** church only, or I only date from distingued educated types, etc? The religious identity problem can feed into this if it is present. While I have a religious identity, it must be flexible enough to not crack in the presence of mankind. to fit my vision of how my life will be - someone who represents who I wish I was Yep, I knew the feeling... Good luck, 1
OwMyEyeball Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Find a therapist who isn't so stupid as to tell you your perfectionist tendencies are a lifelong "condition". You can learn to gradually dampen the anxiety through mindfulness meditation. That might also give you some insight into the roots of your "perfectionism". I'd wager that tackling the anxiety will alleviate the perfectionism, since that mindset is exactly as you've already described it - a defense mechanism. You'll have a few big hurdles to clear to better understand yourself and your self-conception, but with proper meditation technique and the guidance of a good spiritual teacher, or even a therapist, you should do just fine. 2
Author thecrucible Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 Hey there. I would find another Psychologist, one that is more suited towards interpersonal relationships and anxiety, and especially Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Actually I forgot to say. This was the therapist I had for CBT. He was really helpful and managed to resolve some of the issues I have and now I am coping better but I am still finding things hard. I would definitely find another psychologist if I could afford one. I very much understand your way of thinking. You are scared to come out of your comfort zone because you are used to a certain way of doing things, I wouldn't really categorize as being a perfectionist, but more of a social anxiety related trait (not a doctor just giving an opinion). That's probably true. I just feel like people write me off quickly and don't notice me because it takes me a while to warm up to people at first. Then I think.."...why bother?" because things happen that confirm it to me. I'm good when I'm in the middle of a relationship but establishing a new friendship is really hard for me. I find work relationships difficult to work out as well. 'cause I'm not great at first impressions, I feel totally lost and that I won't get anywhere job and dating wise. I'm not completely shy and I'm always friendly but I tend be serious and have a bit of a guard up. I find it disenchanting that this Psychologist made that statement that you will struggle your whole life but did not provide you the coping tools or tools necessary to change what you want to change, which is your way of thinking. It wasn't something he said to me personally. He wrote it in a letter that I was asked to pass on to my lecturer at college (as evidence of needing help academically). Everyone deserves to be happy, but if you continually date someone who triggers your anxiety, your social life is in for an emotional rollercoaster. A life coach can help, if you are willing to put in the work to change. I hope things work out for you. You're right. I just need to find the non-dramatic ones and a guy who's understanding about my anxiety. I dated this guy before who would flip his lid a lot and I had to tiptoe around him - he was physical too. This was a long time ago (7 years) and I don't dare mention him to any new guy, but it really ruined men for me haha 'cause ever since I just can't trust very well. I have dated guys since so it's not all bad. I really want a life coach but I'd love a free one if they exist. Money is tight at the moment. Have you had some success with a life coach before? Thanks for your thoughts and helpful suggestions
Author thecrucible Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 I feel that what you describe may fall into OCPD Obsessive Compusive Personality Disorder, just a thought, for some more reading. Not saying we even care if you fit the OCPD list, just thought you might benefit from reading about it. This is not OCD, distinct. Ooh I looked that up but I don't believe I have all the traits for it, though I have some of them. I think what I probably have is 'social anxiety' but I've never been formally diagnosed with anything except a vague definition of 'anxiety'. So using just me as an example, I shook it during a time I moved, took a new adventuresome career, i.e. put myself in the middle of others' dysfunction to the point where the perfectionism became less central. One thing that really caused me to give it up was analytical assessments of that family member, i.e. I will not allow myself to emulate him/her, thus I must find a functional path... That's a good way to think of it. I'm trying to motivate myself by going after the kind of life I want and trying to think in the long term but I do get these moments when I slide into low moods. At the moment, I'm just feeling something is missing in my life but I don't know what it is. Just another thought, are you trapped in a particular religious or secular mindset, i.e. member of the **** church only, or I only date from distingued educated types, etc? The religious identity problem can feed into this if it is present. While I have a religious identity, it must be flexible enough to not crack in the presence of mankind. I like dating educated guys - I don't mean boffins, just guys with degrees. I like guys who are interested in the arts. I just feel more able to have things to talk about; and both my serious boyfriends previously were like that. I try and date different types but it just doesn't click for me. But sometimes I feel inadequate and not good enough for the same guys I'm interested in haha. Thanks for your advice
Author thecrucible Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 Find a therapist who isn't so stupid as to tell you your perfectionist tendencies are a lifelong "condition". You can learn to gradually dampen the anxiety through mindfulness meditation. That might also give you some insight into the roots of your "perfectionism". I'd wager that tackling the anxiety will alleviate the perfectionism, since that mindset is exactly as you've already described it - a defense mechanism. You'll have a few big hurdles to clear to better understand yourself and your self-conception, but with proper meditation technique and the guidance of a good spiritual teacher, or even a therapist, you should do just fine. Thanks. I'll give meditation a go .
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