Overwhelmed

[kindy14]

This past Wednesday I left my wife of 21 years. I've been considering options for my life since the end of June, when I had a severe emotional breakdown. I realized how absolutely miserable I was with my life. My job, my friends, my family, everything. I didn't want to go on with anything.

 

Our marriage has always been a little rocky. I've never felt she was my best friend, and I've only come to the realization in the last couple of days, that in the 23 years we've been together neither of us live up to the image the other has of the other.

 

Anytime there's been something wrong with our relationship, it's always, I'll change, we can fix this.

 

I've changed so much from who I was, that I'm no longer who I want to be. I have to hide various aspects of my behavior in order to avoid offending her. For instance, I'm a tremendous smart ass, but early on she let me know she didn't appreciate it. So, out that went. That just seems to be the whole pattern of our lives together. I've always been about avoiding conflict.

 

So, things got worse when our adopted son (he was 12 when we got him) hit puberty. He became extremely defiant, mostly with my wife. We have vastly different parenting styles. I know if I ask him to do something, he will grumble about it, but get it done in his own way, on his own time. She just always seems to want things done, now, now, now, and exactly the way she would do it. This always causes arguments between them, and they've become a nearly daily occurrence. This brought up a lot of stuff from my past, as my mother and sister had daily arguments once my sister hit puberty. My whole life has been about avoiding arguments.

 

So, about 7 weeks ago, I hooked up with a black 19 yo guy and traded blow jobs. Up until then I had never physically cheated on my wife. And that was the first time I'd been with a guy since before I went to college. All these years I'd been keeping my sexuality hidden, I'm bisexual.

 

About a week after that I hired a cute 18 yo gay guy to help me with selling off assets (cars, motorcycles, guns) to help fund the new path I was planning on taking. We really hit it off in the first week, and I just seemed to bond with him instantly. Things went fine for the next month, he showed up to work, did his job, and was getting things organized for me. We talked a lot about his past, my past, what I was trying to do with my life. New job, divorce, new life. While I am attracted to him, he has kept things platonic, as he says, he doesn't want to be anyone's mistress. He seems to fit in with my real personality much better than my wife. Since I've met him, I feel a lot more complete and honest as a person.

 

So, in the last week before I separated, my wife had confronted me 3 different time about what was going on. I'd become distant, explosive temper (including pushing my 14 yo son during one particularly bad argument,) selling things, texting.

 

Monday night, this guy gets into a fight with his step-mom, who calls him a faggot and kicks him out of the house. He was able to stay with a friend, but it sent me into an absolute panic because I couldn't be in contact with him.

 

That Tuesday I talked with my therapist about what all has been going on in more detail. I told her all my fears about staying in the environment I was in, as well as staying in a marriage that I no longer felt in. He was able to get to my house, work the rest of the day, and I put him up in a hotel for the night. That turned out bad, as I didn't know he was out of his meds, and he got near suicidal (first time alone in a hotel room.)

 

So, Wednesday, I checked him out, and got 2 adjoining rooms at a different hotel.

 

I told my son that afternoon that I was leaving, that it wasn't because of him, and that I would fight to keep him. That night I told my wife, who started balling uncontrollably, doubling over. It was the ****tiest thing I've ever had to do ever. I really couldn't explain to her why I was doing this. I'm really still not self-confident or strong enough to confront her, let alone try to explain some of what I'm just realizing now.

 

I've consulted with a lawyer already, haven't filed yet, but have an apartment that will be ready on Friday, starting to move things along. My 18 yo lost puppy is going to be my roommate.

 

So, right now, I am just overwhelmed by everything going on. I was hoping to talk more with my therapist before breaking the news, but I couldn't stand the thought of this kid who feels like my best friend being alone and in crisis. All that really happened was my plans got screwed up in terms of timing.

 

I know I'm not explaining myself all that well. It's been a difficult all around ****ty week

[Yasuandio]

Dude, let me get this straight.........

 

You are breaking up a 23 year marriage with yo wife after a quicky BJ with a young black teen, and are now about to become roomies with a homosexual 18 year old young man? Is that whom you refer to as your lost puppy dog? Man, maybe you need to check yourself, seriously. If you got married to you wife at the age of majority (at the very least), you must be over 40 years old.

 

Isn't it kinda odd for a 40'ish plus guy to be into teens, or am I behind the times? I understand the bi-sexuality, but, not the, uh...........

 

This might be a good thing to focus on right away. Because, it appears to me, quite frankly, you seem kind of discussing this situation in an "off the cuff," sort of style, like it's just one of those everyday things. I wouldn't take this matter of a new sexual lifestyle with "lost puppies" in their teenage years so lightly.

 

Is this lifestyle a new thing for you, or has it been ongoing? I would urge you to be very careful with the young people. Some of these young teens may be younger than you are being led to believe (a lie by one year could land you in prison for twenty). That is what I'm getting at here.

 

Yas

Edited November 10, 2014 by Yasuandio

[jakrbbt]

You have ONE job: Take care of yourself and set up a healthy life (that also means splitting in a healthy way from your wife). That is not only for you, but for your son. It includes setting up what the separation and future look like for your and your son's relationship.

 

It does NOT include taking care of your lost puppy. I know he's a nice guy, but this isn't only about the timing. My guess is that you are tangled up in his life because you want to be. But think of this: Your life has purpose without him-- maybe you already know that. Now prove it to yourself. You have feelings, actions, that you don't need to base on anyone else. Things you would do or think even if your wife was critical of them. Even if she might curl up and sob. Even if your new young friend was kicked out of his house and lonely and needing a friend. Figure out what those things are, that you think all by yourself, when no one else is in crisis. Those more peaceful thoughts are the blue skies where your own self lives. You need the clear blue skies right now, even if just for a short time.

 

You might feel confused and lost, but from what I read, you still have every chance of a happy and meaningful future. That would have to include a functioning relationship with your son or at least an all-out attempt at one. Ideally, it would also include an amicable relationship with your ex for as long as you co-parent. Your job is to walk through the severing in a healthy and constructive way. Your future is worth your effort.

 

You adopted and parented a child, you had a long and at least semi-functional marriage with at least a semi-functional person, you realized where the marriage didn't fulfill you and your wife, you got a therapist, you did at least some planning, and you sound like you have some brains and plenty of ability to make friends and connect to people. You have a good future possible here. Don't panic and run from the things you need to do. Live alone or with a truly platonic roommate, one you do not feel at all responsible for. Take care of yourself. Take care of your relationship with your son. Figure out a co-parenting plan if he's young enough that you need one. Figure out how to navigate your guilt toward your ex. You need to figure out what decisions you'd make, if it weren't for guilt and other people needing you.

 

Is there some decent way you can get out of the roommate situation without leaving the 18-yr-old totally in the lurch? Give him a month's rent in advance, tell him you are always his friend but that he should get another roommate, and move in with an elderly lady who has three cats? You can get a lot of rent reduction for cleaning out litter boxes. But focus on YOU, not lost puppy. You are worth it, your future is worth it.

Edited November 10, 2014 by jakrbbt

[kindy14]

jackrbbt - thanks for the kind words, and advice. He parties when he's living with his mom, other relations, or friends. His dad didn't stick up for him against his step-mom. His other close friends can't provide him with any place to stay. I wish there were someplace else I could dump my 18 yo friend, but at the moment, I'm all he has that can provide him a safe, drug-free environment. And I'm the only one employing him at the moment (see below.)

 

Yas - thanks for the slap in the face, really. This whole thing has been a reality check for me, and I know everything I'm doing should be questioned. I wasn't trying to be cavalier, this is just my style of conversation/typing.

 

So, no, I'm not leaving my wife over a quicky and this 18 yo. The quicky was to confirm what I remember from before college. How it felt to be with a guy sexually. I enjoyed it as much then as before. The fact that the first kid was 19, was just that was the first opportunity that came up. I was hit on a lot after that day, but didn't bite for anyone, whether they were 18 or 60. I've since deleted the app off my phone as it's to much of a distraction.

 

I didn't seek out this other kid to become deeply connected with. He was available, and cheap. He was just supposed to be helping me put together some things so I could focus on my job, my son, and the rest of my life. The plan has been on-going since at least the end of July when I turned 50. (I know, typical mid-life crisis time)

 

I was talking with my therapist then (July) and since about what I was feeling, disconnected, angry, stressed out, lost, like my whole life had been a failure, a waste, and seriously depressed. Talking more and getting my medication worked out helped with many of the symptoms, especially the depression, and my social anxiety. But I still knew I would have to put all the parts of my life through a wood chipper to really get to who I am, and what I wanted to do. I wasn't sure then which parts would survive, and which would not.

 

It was really Robin Williams suicide that kicked me out of my sloth and indecision. I had recently faced those demons, after RW died, I connected with people who had survived, figured out ways to cope with the depression, and started figuring out where I wanted to go with my life.

 

Before this past week, my plan had been to sell a bunch of stuff, work on creating a new business, continue talking with the therapist, look for a house or apartment to rent in our same school district, and try to keep things together without loosing control over my temper when my wife and son get into arguments. I was already discussing rooming with a co-worker, and his fiance.

 

It's only been in the last week that I've recognized why I do a lot of things the way I do. The problem is me. I've never wanted to change all that much for her, and she's never changed all that much for me. We don't live up to each others image for the other. I'm not the man she wants me to be, and she's not the woman I see she could be. And nothing in 23 years of knowing each other has changed any of that. No matter what we've done to change, we are still the same people inside we were when we met. Neither of us liked our selves all that much then. It's really only been in the past 2 weeks that I've felt any self-confidence or strength to deal with my own fear of confrontation. Only in the last several days, that I've realized I've let fear run my life since I was 13.

 

It's only been in the last month that I've lived my life with any kind of intent, rather then just bobbing along, go with the flow, whatever happens happens. I've always just fell into everything in my life, low effort, no planning. And I've been successful at it, I am 50, we've been debt free except for mortgage for 5 years now, I make a decent salary though I'm underpaid. Safe, risk free, and not satisfying anymore.

 

I've never been the kind of guy who takes advantage of others. I've already told my "lost puppy dog" that I couldn't consider getting romantic/physical/serious until he was able to stand on his own 2 feet. He might be a crutch right now for my psyche, but I don't want a pet, I want a friend, and I want him to be his own man. He wants that to.

 

Before he was kicked out, things were really looking up for him. I'd been employing him for about 5 weeks. Supposed to be only part-time, but he'd been pulling enough hours to be full time. He was doing excellent at the work I assigned to him, cataloging items I had for sale, posting them online, and dealing with the calls/contacts. He was taking a pre-req class for college. He was hoping to really be able to help with the new company I am starting. He was looking at being able to save money, have fun, and planned on moving out next year around March. He was in a really good place mentally.

 

Before I hired him, he was having trouble finding any work. His drivers license had been suspended on a DWI, and during his arrest he kicked a cop while they took him to the ground. Because he had a job, was staying out of trouble, and the other cops on the scene were refusing to back the cop trying to press charges on a gay, 120lb soaking wet, 18 yo, his lawyer had been able to get the charges dropped, and a final court date in December.

 

I probably could have found a different way of helping him when he got kicked out last Monday. At this point, no, he's been relying on me for employment. Once we get him to a more employable state, and driving, he should be able to get another job, with my recommendation. That had been my goal for him all along, unless we're able to make my new business successful.

 

I had wanted to figure things out internally more before I separated. But, I already knew it was going to happen before Monday, it was only a matter of weeks, not months, that I was planning to separate. I was tired, finally, of lying to my wife, and living a lie. I felt strong enough to confront her.

 

The particular way things are going right now aren't to "plan," but no plan survives contact, and there is no easy way to split a marriage.

 

He's affected the situation I'm in, but it's not because of him that it's happening...

Edited November 10, 2014 by kindy14

[kindy14]

I could no longer deceive her or myself that I was IN the marriage. Or myself that I wanted to be in the marriage any longer. It was plain to her what I'd been up to with selling everything she thought I cared about. Cars, motorcycles, guns, that I no longer had time to enjoy. All but the motorcycles were projects or spares anyway. I was stripping down on my hobbies, the clutter in my life.

 

She has asked very pointed questions, several times, all of which I denied, denied, denied...

 

This past Saturday, I broke down because I could no longer lie. I would have gone to a hotel then but for the severe drunken state I was in. I was barely able to keep it going till my therapy appointment on Tuesday morning.

Edited November 10, 2014 by kindy14

[LifesontheUp]

Personally I fell sorry for your 14 yr old son.

 

Not sure what else to say tbh.

[Yasuandio]

Well, you are honest - now, with yourself and here, you are facing your issues. I didn't mean to bitch slap you, just pointing out the obvious risk you are taking, that can impact your livelihood, future, and impact/influence on your own son (and, of course, you wife). Don't want your son to end up being a "lost puppy" one of these days too.

 

You gotta disappear this young man, totally uncool. You will get caught, and wreck your life. He is not your problem. A kid like that isn't mature enough to have feelings - and could end up blackmailing you, setting you up, or worse, much worse. This kid could be on the radar (with police). If he is on the radar, or any of his buddies, the police are going to look at you. That is how the system works.

 

I'm not a big expert or anything. I'm just using some common sense, from what I've learned from popular culture, and TV programs like "Cops," "Lock--Up," "CSI," etc. Factor in that you are emotionally vulnerable - an easy target. Even the mainstream dating world is WAR for the 50 's crowd. When you are emotionally vulnerable, you can easily be taken advantage of - this has happened to me several times.

 

For example, I made friends with a couple, that were very kind to me, and helped me quite a bit around the house, with things I was unaware of, such as my security lights not working, my window unlocked (one lock on the second floor actually broken and pried open from the outside), etc. I perceived this couple to be offering kindness and assistance to me, as I am disabled. But they were systematically robbing me. My tools, my jewelry, item by item, things I did not notice right away. I was a total idiot, and kept allowing them in my house, for a couple weeks. Still to this day, I go to look for something, and it is gone. Makes me so made. I finally figured it out - when I saw my Grandmother's gold band on the bathroom floor, that was "out of place." DUH.

 

Perhaps get yourself divorced, then explore the sexuality issue with someone somewhat a decade or 2 closer to your own age bracket that you can better relate to. Someone that that has a driver's license, and doesn't get busted. In my opinion, that is a good basic criterion to work with - for a man with your success, debt free, a decent salary, established. You certainly do not want to eff up your profession with an indiscretion, or perceived guilt by association.

 

OK. Be careful. Be safe. We are all vulnerable when hurting, confused, and displaced. And, I'm sorry to tell you, do not trust right now, while you are in this state. Not even professionals - be very cautious, and attentive to details. I think that is some outstanding advice I can give you from my experience. You are not alone. LS is an excellent site, and there are very good hearted people here to advise you. Yas

[ralfgarnett]

This past Wednesday I left my wife of 21 years. I've been considering options for my life since the end of June, when I had a severe emotional breakdown. I realized how absolutely miserable I was with my life. My job, my friends, my family, everything. I didn't want to go on with anything.

 

Our marriage has always been a little rocky. I've never felt she was my best friend, and I've only come to the realization in the last couple of days, that in the 23 years we've been together neither of us live up to the image the other has of the other.

 

Anytime there's been something wrong with our relationship, it's always, I'll change, we can fix this.

 

I've changed so much from who I was, that I'm no longer who I want to be. I have to hide various aspects of my behavior in order to avoid offending her. For instance, I'm a tremendous smart ass, but early on she let me know she didn't appreciate it. So, out that went. That just seems to be the whole pattern of our lives together. I've always been about avoiding conflict.

 

So, things got worse when our adopted son (he was 12 when we got him) hit puberty. He became extremely defiant, mostly with my wife. We have vastly different parenting styles. I know if I ask him to do something, he will grumble about it, but get it done in his own way, on his own time. She just always seems to want things done, now, now, now, and exactly the way she would do it. This always causes arguments between them, and they've become a nearly daily occurrence. This brought up a lot of stuff from my past, as my mother and sister had daily arguments once my sister hit puberty. My whole life has been about avoiding arguments.

 

So, about 7 weeks ago, I hooked up with a black 19 yo guy and traded blow jobs. Up until then I had never physically cheated on my wife. And that was the first time I'd been with a guy since before I went to college. All these years I'd been keeping my sexuality hidden, I'm bisexual.

 

About a week after that I hired a cute 18 yo gay guy to help me with selling off assets (cars, motorcycles, guns) to help fund the new path I was planning on taking. We really hit it off in the first week, and I just seemed to bond with him instantly. Things went fine for the next month, he showed up to work, did his job, and was getting things organized for me. We talked a lot about his past, my past, what I was trying to do with my life. New job, divorce, new life. While I am attracted to him, he has kept things platonic, as he says, he doesn't want to be anyone's mistress. He seems to fit in with my real personality much better than my wife. Since I've met him, I feel a lot more complete and honest as a person.

 

So, in the last week before I separated, my wife had confronted me 3 different time about what was going on. I'd become distant, explosive temper (including pushing my 14 yo son during one particularly bad argument,) selling things, texting.

 

Monday night, this guy gets into a fight with his step-mom, who calls him a faggot and kicks him out of the house. He was able to stay with a friend, but it sent me into an absolute panic because I couldn't be in contact with him.

 

That Tuesday I talked with my therapist about what all has been going on in more detail. I told her all my fears about staying in the environment I was in, as well as staying in a marriage that I no longer felt in. He was able to get to my house, work the rest of the day, and I put him up in a hotel for the night. That turned out bad, as I didn't know he was out of his meds, and he got near suicidal (first time alone in a hotel room.)

 

So, Wednesday, I checked him out, and got 2 adjoining rooms at a different hotel.

 

I told my son that afternoon that I was leaving, that it wasn't because of him, and that I would fight to keep him. That night I told my wife, who started balling uncontrollably, doubling over. It was the ****tiest thing I've ever had to do ever. I really couldn't explain to her why I was doing this. I'm really still not self-confident or strong enough to confront her, let alone try to explain some of what I'm just realizing now.

 

I've consulted with a lawyer already, haven't filed yet, but have an apartment that will be ready on Friday, starting to move things along. My 18 yo lost puppy is going to be my roommate.

 

So, right now, I am just overwhelmed by everything going on. I was hoping to talk more with my therapist before breaking the news, but I couldn't stand the thought of this kid who feels like my best friend being alone and in crisis. All that really happened was my plans got screwed up in terms of timing.

 

I know I'm not explaining myself all that well. It's been a difficult all around ****ty week

 

 

Your sick mate what planet are you living on ?

[kindy14]

I really don't want anyone pulling punches with constructive advice. I really am grateful for what you have said.

 

Being taken advantage of was the reason my first girlfriend broke my heart at the age of 19. We were ****ing one day, the next she had me drop her off at her future fiances. Talk about an ego blow I've only just started recovering from.

 

Professionally, this kid can't do much harm. I've already told my wife I'm separating. She'll find out he's a roommate when the time comes. Which will probably be this week or next.

 

I was thinking about this since I posted the last post.

 

Would I be helping him if I weren't attracted to him, yes. I've done it before, I'll do it again. Helping others has always been a part of my path.

 

Would I be helping him if I weren't divorcing, yes. I may have even been able to work my wife into putting him up temporarily in our house.

 

My therapist did start going over some of this stuff with me, this past Tuesday. I know that a lot of my emotions and thoughts are evolving. I don't want to be in a position of caretaker for him. But, I honestly can't abandon him either. If we can find away so he is employed, and has his own place, I will push him that way. Until then I am just being honest with myself. I couldn't stand if anything happened to him right now because of some inaction on my part.

 

Right now, he is baggage. I'd rather not have it, but I'm not going to leave it behind. He is along for the ride, and I will do my best to keep his life moving to where he can be independent of me.

[kindy14]

Your sick mate what planet are you living on ?

 

Same world as you, dude. Where a person you've been close to for 20 years turns into an alien and leaves you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Right now, he is baggage. I'd rather not have it, but I'm not going to leave it behind. He is along for the ride, and I will do my best to keep his life moving to where he can be independent of me.

 

It's a mistake for you to be mentoring or sponsoring someone else when your life is in chaos. And the distraction of his situation simply makes resolving yours harder.

 

You're facing coming out, divorcing, non-custodial parenting, job change and therapy.

 

Absent a counseling degree on your part you haven't yet mentioned, I'd focus on trying to do a few important things well...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

Well said, Mr. Lucky, well said.

 

And for the record, it certainly was not my intention to "pull punches with constructive advice," thank you very much. We all got our different styles and profiles, and I was sincerely trying my best to provide decent advice. Good luck to you. Yas

[kindy14]

Well said, Mr. Lucky, well said.

 

And for the record, it certainly was not my intention to "pull punches with constructive advice," thank you very much. We all got our different styles and profiles, and I was sincerely trying my best to provide decent advice. Good luck to you. Yas

 

I wasn't saying you were, just in general... you know how it is when you start on a new forum. mea culpa, no offense meant... That's what it rhetorically felt like, and I could use a friend doing that, let alone a stranger. Perceptions and raw emotions on my part.

 

Well, as luck would have it, he has been contemplating a lot of the same stuff, (or maybe read this thread ???) and today expressed a desire to try to find at least a temporary place to live, like a couple of weeks at a minimum. Mostly to let my life settle in a little before he injects himself into it any further. Very mature on his part don't you think. It made me feel better about my opinion about him.

 

I told him as long as he was safe and sound, I wouldn't worried about him. As long as he stays in touch. Right now, his safety feels like it's on me. I get anxious when I don't know where he is. Some of that is his current legal status and documentation, and his current mental state. Some of this is just my concerns for someone I've been helping and who has been helping me. Some of it is just additional anxiety from the stress of the situation. So, if he can find a place, that will be great. One burden I can absolve myself from.

 

He really had been acting as an executive assistant for the past 2 1/2 weeks. And doing a very good job at it. All my spare guns are selling now. I have been very impressed with his drive, focus, and attention to detail. He will get a very good recommendation letter from me because he's a good worker. Currently he has a very good salary that I am able to cover, plus a bonus at the end of 5 or 10 % of everything he gets sold. He will have a good chunk of change if we get everything sold that I was selling.

 

I'm not trying to mentor him in anything that doesn't come under the heading of basic life skills. Getting his ID resolved, getting his prescription/insurance info taken care of, staying with his studies, keeping in touch with his lawyer, and other adult stuff. Granted, his father ought to be doing a lot of this with them, but his father couldn't take sides between his son and his 2nd wife. Tomorrow, I would like to work with him writing down his resources, people he knows, where all his stuff is. Hopefully, show him where else he can find additional support from and for his own life. He had plans on going to college for some sort of business administration degree before he ever met me, and I hope he continues to pursue that. I really only want the best for him. I really do want to see him stand as his own man.

 

He has not been my primary concern. My son, my path, and my career, have been above him.

 

His current situation is nothing a little money and patience on my part haven't solved. Last week he was frantic, this week he is calmer, more confident. He's starting to be in a more stable place in his head every day. His issues are easy compared to mine. I could have stashed him in a cheap hotel room or something, and tried to maintain some fiction. If I were not trying to be more careful with my life and my son, my baser instincts would have been to say F it all, move 1/2 of our investment savings into my own account, and move pretty much anywhere USA and setup shop. With whole new identities if I really wanted. It would have been far less draining if I were that sort of person.

 

I'm still working on all these issues. Day by day, moment by moment, things get clearer in my head. Talking it out on here, as well as with other adults, is good therapy until I get to my actual therapist. Only 1 person hasn't been constructive on this thread, so overall I'm glad for the reception here. This all is really helping.

 

"You gotta disappear this young man, totally uncool. You will get caught, and wreck your life"

 

Caught at what exactly was my off the cuff thought on this. I'm not physically involved with him. I hug him when I'm feeling needy, but he keeps his distance otherwise. Any kissing was when he started on a new medication and he was a little more touchy feely for like 2 days, like 3 weeks ago. And wreck my life beyond making me move sooner on a plan I had anyway. His presence should not effect my custodial fight, and if it does, we will solve that by moving him, not my son. With a little more work history and his ID's taken care of he should easily be able to move out by the time custody is being decided, if its even an issue. I'm abstaining from any sexual relationship with anyone at the moment. Never been promiscuous, not through a lack of trying, just no results in my 20's, except for my wife.

 

I have been and currently am legitimately able to employee him, at least part time. Our professional relationship is subject to the employment letter I sent him with the terms, expectations, and length of service needed. Future employment has always been dependent on my being able to find customers for the new business I've been starting (before I ever met him.)

 

The personal stuff I've done for him I've done without any strings from me. When my wife came into quite a bit of money several years ago, I wanted to get my best friend and my handyman used vehicles, as gifts. I've helped dozens of people through my life, provided advice, lent cash, given cash, from $10 dollars to the "stranded" person in the parking lot for "gas," $300 to the anonymous family traveling between West Virginia and somewhere who had a flat tire and no cash, to giving an Iraqi veteran $5000 no strings attached for his bills, car, rent, and medical bills, while he waited for his VA benefits to be worked out. He was near deaths door when he made his public plea on a crowd funding site. A site I read happened to have a link to him. I read his story and wept. I share my talents, capital, and heart, with a whole host of people. Friends and strangers. As much as I can, without draining my own resources for survival. Trying to make the world a better place by impacting those around me directly, sometimes as God calls me to it. Like the stinky hobo hitchhiker I picked up, drove to a more popular truck stop along the way to my job, and gave $20 to for food or whatever he needed. I've never asked for anything for that stuff. No recognition, only the satisfaction of helping someone in need. And I only bring it up here to give some history/context on my giving nature.

 

A lot of the stuff in this thread will be compiled and discussed on Thursday with my therapist, and then hopefully be able to make some sense of how to say this to my wife, who will be at the appointment (though I think I need time to talk to therapist alone first.) Nothing I've done so far can't be undone, at least according to my wife. To me, delaying or trying to "fix" this, is only delaying the inevitable in my mind. I've not done anything permanent, but my mind is in a whole different place than it's been. I don't see me changing my mind. I'm not sure how much I'm willing to try. I know I need to work things out for myself and my son most of all.

Edited November 11, 2014 by kindy14

[kindy14]

Personally I fell sorry for your 14 yr old son.

 

Not sure what else to say tbh.

 

I feel sorry for my part in everything, and I know there's no easy solution for all this. I've been reading more about divorcing as a dad, to try my best not to screw him up anymore than he already has been.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not physically involved with him.

Any kissing was when he started on a new medication and he was a little more touchy feely for like 2 days, like 3 weeks ago.

 

These two statements certainly contradict each other .

 

He has not been my primary concern. My son, my path, and my career, have been above him.

 

You'd never know that from what you've posted here, you've written of little else. In fact you seem infatuated with him.

 

Look, you can tell us anything you want. But Step 1 would be to be honest with yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kindy14]

Personally I fell sorry for your 14 yr old son.

 

Not sure what else to say tbh.

 

I feel sorry for my part in everything, and I know there's no easy solution for all this. I've been reading more about divorcing as a dad, to try my best not to screw him up anymore than he already has been.

[kindy14]

These two statements certainly contradict each other .

 

You'd never know that from what you've posted here, you've written of little else. In fact you seem infatuated with him.

 

Look, you can tell us anything you want. But Step 1 would be to be honest with yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He slipped me the tongue a little, but he says it was nothing. I didn't pursue that, since 3 weeks ago. He really surprised me with that. And it only happened a couple of times. Hugs have been brief, and friendly, not intimate. When I say physical, I mean sexually.

 

Is there some puppy love from me, sure, I haven't denied those feelings to him, or myself since I started feeling that. I told him up front when I met, that I would be emotionally raw through a lot of this, and it would be a distraction and a mistake to get romantically involved with anyone.

 

I know in my heart not to trust those feelings. Wouldn't be my first struggle with this particular circumstance, though last time was with a 19 yo girl I had a huge crush on, 3 1/2 years ago. Before then the 23 year old gal at a Christmas Party. They were both smoking hot, and sociable towards me, and I towards them. Back then I had to be drunk to get that much courage to talk to anyone I didn't know. I've been working on that one all year in preparation for starting my own business.

 

As far as my son goes, he is a top concern of mine. One of the surface reasons for leaving is how our home situation has devolved over the past year and a half, and especially the last 5 months. I can't stay, stay in control of my emotions, fight to advocate on his side against a wife who is to controlling, who've I've never had the strength to deal with directly, in a marriage I no longer desire to be a part of. I haven't talked about him on this thread because I haven't sought advice on him. I know where I have to be with him. He's always been in my plans from the start of this.

 

I believe in my heart that getting myself out of there is the best solution for both my son, and myself.

 

This young man I'm partially infatuated with, I'd rather have him as a friend, then try to screw him. He has nothing to offer me right now then a sympathetic ear and organizational skills. I could get sex elsewhere from anyone from 18 to 60, some of them far hotter, and more age appropriate if I really wanted to.

Edited November 11, 2014 by kindy14

[Mittens]

Is your wife aware that you are bisexual, or have you hid it from her as well?

 

This whole situation is no different if it was another woman that you are getting involved with. I've been there, when you are splitting from a marriage getting straight into another entanglement is probably the worst thing you can do.

 

You've got problems enough right now. Leave this young man out of them.

[kindy14]

Is your wife aware that you are bisexual, or have you hid it from her as well?

 

This whole situation is no different if it was another woman that you are getting involved with. I've been there, when you are splitting from a marriage getting straight into another entanglement is probably the worst thing you can do.

 

You've got problems enough right now. Leave this young man out of them.

 

No, I have not told her, and may or may not do that on Thursday when we talk with therapist. Not sure if I'm quite yet ready for that can of worms to open.

 

As far as entangling with another, I know it's something I have to be careful with. I've tried to be careful, and very straightforward with him. We set expectations and boundaries that we are keeping to. Except for the brief kisses a couple weeks ago, those boundaries have kept in place.

 

We've been very respectful of each others privacy while living next door to each other. Most of the time we have not been hanging out. He has needed his space to get centered, and same with me. We've done some shopping, eating, and working together.

 

I told him yesterday, that I hope he can find even a temporary place to live. And I'd support him whatever decision he makes, as long as he is in a safe, sound place. I don't NEED him to be a roommate financially. If he ends up not being a roommate, that bedroom can be a full time office for me (TAX DEDUCTION!!!)

 

Things are looking less overwhelming by the day with regards to him and myself. I've done my best to not put my burdens on him, or cause him any personal anxiety. He knows the situation, though I've not shared every detail of my interactions with my wife. I'm used to dealing with things in my own head anyway.

[Mittens]

Then I feel very sorry for your wife. You've basically lied to her for the whole of your relationship. My fiancé is bisexual, but I've always known.

 

You do realise that when you tell her she is automatically going to assume that you've cheated on her throughout your relationship? She's also going to feel like her whole marriage has been a lie. Which lets face it, it has. You are also now blaming her for the fact that you've lied to her for so many years...blaming her for the fact that you've 'hidden' things. No one 'made' you hide anything, you chose to. You don't like conflict - I don't know a single person that enjoys it.

 

All she is going to see is that you've lied to her about something so damn important, and now are skipping off into the sunset with your toyboy. Because of course if you tell her you're sharing accommodation with this young man, she's also going to assume you are in a sexual relationship with him.

 

But of course, you could keep on lying to her. She deserves it, after all, according to you.

 

BTW, my mother had a male friend who upped and decided he was gay and went off with a boy half his age... after 25 years of marriage and 2 kids. The kids were so disgusted with him they never spoke to him again.

 

p.s. I'd stop posting so much about your toyboy. It makes you look like that he's all you care about right now.

Edited November 11, 2014 by Mittens

[LifesontheUp]

Kindy, I still cannot get over that you are infatuated with the other guy.

 

In all honesty, you don't need him as a friend because you really need to sort yourself out and get to what exactly you want without an "interest" to distract you.

 

Cut your ties with this other guy and continue with your therapy. I think you owe that to your son, your wife and yourself to be fair.

 

Your son in my opinion should be your first priority as well as sorting through your feelings. Your son is young, put him first instead of complicating matters with another guy in the mix.

[kindy14]

I'm not blaming my wife for any of this. I know this is crushing her.

 

I'm not really interested in what she is going think, feel, or do. I know she's not taking the separation very well, I can't imagine how she's going to deal with everything else.

 

I've been emotionally divorced from my marriage for months now. Since, I separated, I've barely thought of her. My thoughts have been my son, my inner self, my job, my new business, and getting things sorted out.

 

People keep asking me things about my "toyboy" who is nothing of the sort. That's what people are focusing on, not me. He, and his problems, are all compartmentalized from me at the moment. I am here to help, but giving him the space to do his own thing. I would feel guilty if I just abandoned him and he did something stupid to himself.

 

I know it sounds trite, but I'm still finding my self.

 

My built up anxieties, depression, ADD, and years of deceiving myself, and others. I've never been good at personal relationships, expressing my feelings, confronting others, following through, pretty much any interpersonal social interaction causes me anxiety. Therapy is helping with all that. It's the only reason I've been strong enough to make this leap without a parachute.

 

You guys don't know what's in my head, and this conversation barely scratches the surface. Heck, I barely know 1/2 of what's swimming around up there. I discover something new almost every day about myself now.

 

I don't know how to talk about this to the woman I've been with for 23 years. That's my main hangup right now. Just about everything else has been arranged, so I can move to an apartment.

 

I haven't filed for divorce yet, but that's mostly because I want to talk more about all this with my therapist. I really don't see reconciling with her and moving back. I'm willing to give talking a chance, but I really don't know how we can stay married when I want to be free. I'm also open to the idea that some of this may be medicine related, since I am on zoloft.

 

I'm still discovering who I am. 23 years of knowing each other, and neither of us like who we are as individuals. The love just isn't there anymore for me. And without that, there's no reason to be in the marriage.

[kindy14]

Kindy, I still cannot get over that you are infatuated with the other guy.

 

In all honesty, you don't need him as a friend because you really need to sort yourself out and get to what exactly you want without an "interest" to distract you.

 

Cut your ties with this other guy and continue with your therapy. I think you owe that to your son, your wife and yourself to be fair.

 

Your son in my opinion should be your first priority as well as sorting through your feelings. Your son is young, put him first instead of complicating matters with another guy in the mix.

 

My infatuation may very well be situational, and it's not really that huge a deal to me. I've been hung up on young women before, helped some of them out financially, all without strings attached. Compared to some crushes, and infatuations, this one is mild. I primarily think of him as a friend.

 

I thought he was cute when I saw him, we had some similar interests, and then we bonded. He feels like my best friend from high school when we are together. He feels like a life long friend. I can't explain it any better than that.

 

I just cant cut him loose and leave him on his own. It would be like leaving a puppy dog in the middle of the highway. It would break my heart if he got hurt because of me. As I said above, if we can find a better place for him to live, I'm open to it.

[tippydog90]

I think the first thing to discuss with your therapist is why you keep becoming "infatuated" with men/women young enough to be your children. Based on the information in your post, you are over 50. This young man is 18. You have stated the one night fling was 19 and that you have had a "thing" for very young women. I will be straight up here, that is VERY disturbing to put it mildly. My advice to you would be to get this young man out of your life before you do something that will be damaging to his well being (intentional or not), get into intensive therapy to address your attraction to very young adults, and divorce your poor wife and let her have a better life, and focus on your relationship with your son. He is going to have a hard enough time if and when what you are doing/have done comes to light. Sorry, but I find your posts and continual references to your "lost puppy" very, very disturbing.

[kindy14]

We have talked about that. Part of it is a father/mentor thing I have for helping them.

 

I don't only become infatuated with younger guys and gals, those are 3 more recent examples. I had a heavy infatuation with a 35 year old gal, when I was like 22/23. Mostly the 18-35 year old range catches my eye physically. Hook up was purely first available opportunity.

 

I've never used sex or manipulation to try and get anything from these infatuations. Most of them get a decent friend for a while, they like the attention, and they ask for favors. Would I have liked to have sex with them, sure, but it wasn't a primary goal of mine, at least, not while I've been married.