Separated six months - want to divorce & move on 1 minthen want to go home the next!

[DKT3]

I am in limited contact right now. It's in it's death throws. I've given it up tangible but not emotionally or mentally yet. Am working hard on that.

 

And as for telling my husband, I am not going to do that unless we were attempt to reconcile.

 

This is about control. I believe we spoke of this before. If you confess to the affair in your relationships current state the "decision" would then be beyond your control.

 

I personally think your logic is backwards, and this is information that your husband needs before any attempt at R. Its a game changer, its almost like your wanting to manipulate him into committing to R before you drop the bomb.

 

Here is the problem, you confession will most likely kill what's left of your marriage, if its true or not your husband will only believe you left to be with OM. You won't be able to change that. Honestly, I believe you left for a chance to be with OM, only when it started to fall apart did you see husband as an options. Its seems so clear to me from your posts that its the case.

 

I hope you can find peace in your decision, though I think its only fair your husband is given the chance to make the best decision for him. Your being totally selfish, maybe deep down you know he will walk away if he knew.

[Decisiontomake]

Hi Mr Lucky

 

What I mean is that he wants to reconcile at this time. If I wanted to do that - which I don't believe I do by am having a hard time of fully letting go - then I would sit with him and tell him I wanted to R but that I had something to tell him that may make him not wish to or that would make the journey through that much harder.

 

I don't mean that I would reconcile and then drop the bomb of my affair.

 

I don't understand how that would work ???

 

Isn't "he" part of "we"? How could "we" make a decision as to whether or not to attempt reconciliation unless "he" knows? You're in a Mobius loop, it all leads to the same issue - you can't move forward without his awareness of what's taken place.

 

None of this applies if you're going home paralyzed with the same guilt and indecision affecting you now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Decisiontomake]

Hi DK.

 

Control is one issue, yes. But actually that could be to my advantage too in that I so am stuck, unable to make a decision one way or the other, that my H knowing and taking that decision away from me is actually a little alluring. I don't want to tell him now because I don't want to cause further hurt. I wouldn't want my children to know (just as they do not know about his prior affair) and it seems pointless to tell him if we are to official divorce.

 

I did not leave my H for my OM but I would be lying if I said that hadnt played a part. If OM (who is also married) had lived here (we are in different countries) then I believe an actual relationship would have been a possibility. But that alone is enough to make it highly unlikely. But I have thought of the other relationships I may enjoy throughout my remaining years if I were not with H.

 

The ending of the A itself is not making me consider options for R with my H any more or less than I have done so throughout our whole separation. It's been a constant swing on that. Admittedly it's more alluring to reach out to him for comfort during this time, but I've not done that.

 

Thank you for taking the time to continue to give me your insight. It's truly appreciated.

 

This is about control. I believe we spoke of this before. If you confess to the affair in your relationships current state the "decision" would then be beyond your control.

 

I personally think your logic is backwards, and this is information that your husband needs before any attempt at R. Its a game changer, its almost like your wanting to manipulate him into committing to R before you drop the bomb.

 

Here is the problem, you confession will most likely kill what's left of your marriage, if its true or not your husband will only believe you left to be with OM. You won't be able to change that. Honestly, I believe you left for a chance to be with OM, only when it started to fall apart did you see husband as an options. Its seems so clear to me from your posts that its the case.

 

I hope you can find peace in your decision, though I think its only fair your husband is given the chance to make the best decision for him. Your being totally selfish, maybe deep down you know he will walk away if he knew.

[ralfgarnett]

DTM, Mods, fellow LS posters, please accept my sincere apologies for my comments and for any upset I caused you, I shouldn't of been so judgemental, you have my word I wont do it again towards you or anyone else, I hope you have a nice peacefull Sunday in whatever you end up doing, once again I am truly sorry for any upset I caused you.

 

 

Regards

RG

[Justanaverageguy]

In all this I know my sweet, patient H, continues to wait for me - wanting me to go home. But I also know that his emotional capacity has never been an issue in our marriage but his lack of actions or partnership have been and I haven't seen any change in either of those elements over the last six months. He's doing what he's always done - waiting for me to make the plan, direction, action. That's when logic tells me nothing will be different if I were to return home.

 

I am rather sick of myself being stuck in this place.

 

You know what most women in your position - stuck in limbo - actually say .... they want their husband to make a decision.

 

The fact he is sitting on the sidelines pining and waiting for you to return is what actually keeps women from going back. Often women will say they see their husbands as pathetic for putting their lives on hold and waiting for them. Most women want the man to give them an ultimatum. Show them they have a backbone and wont put up with their **** anymore.

 

My guess is if your husband showed he was moving on with his life, showed through his actions that he was no longer waiting for you eg: dating other women, planning for future living arrangements and break up of assets, issued you with divorce papers - you would probably be falling over yourself to get him back and claiming what a huge mistake you made.

 

How do I know this ... because I have seen it many times. In my own relationship recently and with several of my friends and even family members. Women have no respect for a man who is prepared to sit on the sideline as a backup player and wait for them to make a decision. Its only when the man shows he actually has some balls and stops acting like a lost puppy dog the woman realizes the decision is no longer hers to make .... and with the control for the situation taken away they quite often suddenly realize/decide they made a "huge mistake".

[Decisiontomake]

Thank you "Just" - I appreciate your thoughts. I'm not sure I would suddenly feel as though I wanted to go back if he did any of the things you mentioned - would they hurt? - absolutely! But on the occasions where he has got a little frustrated and had conversations with me about how he's going to see a lawyer and get this over and done with, my overriding emotion has been relief. It's totally messed up, I know that. I have to stop oscillating - that much is clear - I just need to find the strength within me to do that. Thank you again.

[notbroken]

Nike was right in this case - 'just do it'. Put the poor guy out of his misery (or at least make it so he can eventually move on) by divorcing him. I do think you owe him the truth about what you did. That way he can at least know it wasn't "all him" and he had a third party involved. He can stop idolizing you and know the truth. I think it will make it easier on him and make him stop chasing you.

 

Make a decision and do it as soon as possible. Hard as that may be. Limbo just sucks. Don't stay there even one second longer than you have to. You have been in Limbo for a long time. So was your husband. He just didn't know it. That is cruel. Release him from his misery.

[Decisiontomake]

That way he can at least know it wasn't "all him" and he had a third party involved. /QUOTE]

 

I've never made him feel like it's "all him" - our discussions have always been about the dynamic WE created with the faults we are both responsible for. It's probably a chicken and egg question regarding whether affairs end/cause trouble in marriages, or whether they are a symptom of a marriage in trouble. I would guess that differs with each set of circumstances. Mine started as the latter, but I am not naïve enough to say that it didn't then contribute to further issues. However, my point in this is that the affair wasn't what led to the end of my marriage - the issues were there for years prior to that. My husband played a part in where we are now, just as I did and I would not express otherwise.

[Decisiontomake]

DTM, Mods, fellow LS posters, please accept my sincere apologies for my comments and for any upset I caused you, I shouldn't of been so judgemental, you have my word I wont do it again towards you or anyone else, I hope you have a nice peacefull Sunday in whatever you end up doing, once again I am truly sorry for any upset I caused you.

Regards

RG

 

 

Thank you RG - as I said in my PM to you, but for the benefit of others here too, "I understand you are in pain from your situation. I have read and commented on your posts and am truly sorry for the pain you are in. We are all here for different reasons and come with our own heartache and circumstances that led us there. We do not know each other nor gain a full picture of our relationships through our posts. Your attack was truly hurtful and I hope you will think again before saying similar words to others who have come here, just as you have, to gain advice and comfort." The fact you took time to apologize is very sweet of you and appreciated. This forum is an invaluable resource for so many different people, with different circumstances, and it works so much better for all involved when we all help each other regardless of our own personal experiences. Thank you again for your apology, and I wish you well in your continued journey.