I am attracted to a man 32 years older than me. Help!

[mysteryscape]

the conversation was about marriage with a large age difference between the man and woman. He was old, she was young. Everyone said she will be left a widow. They had a family, but she was the one to get sick and die. So he was left a widower with several young kids to raise. I guess that's pretty twisted, huh?

[FitChick]

I think Bogey called Bacall that. Their age difference was something like 19 and 45, even more extreme in some ways (becuase she was younger). She always said the time with Bogie was the best time of her life.

Then I wonder why they both cheated and Bogey had a mistress the whole time. I think what Bacall meant to say was it was the best time of her CAREER.

[PogoStick]

 

My question is this, to all of you in this age range, if this had happened to you. Same story and everything, and she tells you she doesn't mind the age difference and leaves it wide open for you to make plans with her, would you have not done so?

 

Assuming you're physically attractive and have a good personality then I would be all over you! Then again, I'm only 36 and girls your age already feel out of reach, at least relationship wise. I've hooked up with 3 girls 22 y/o and younger in the last 2 years, but none felt like a relationship was realistic.

 

But I'll repeat what I said earlier. He may just be utterly confused or overwhelmed by the possibility of being with you. I still hope for you to take command and make it happen.

 

Edit: I see there's been progress. About him being protective of you, I think that's a good thing. That's the masculine thing. It may be a bit fatherly, but you should try to accept and enjoy that. Personally, I'm happy to take someone in with less experience. I'm happy to be a guide and use my life experience to help others from making unnecessary mistakes. As an older, mature man, he might feel similar. Appreciate what that maturity can do for you compared to the clueless guys who are your age.

Edited November 17, 2014 by PogoStick

[smackie9]

I'm 50 and dating a guy his age would turn me off lol.

[BikerAccnt]

I'm 50 and dating a guy his age would turn me off lol.

 

 

 

Hey now! Who' want's to date a 50' year old anyway, ya whippersnapper!

[smackie9]

no shortage of young admirers.

[LucieE]

Get itttt, smackie.

 

I am not going to compare other big age gap relationships to this. I am sure there are equal good and bad. For every wonderful story about it, there are probably just as many bad too.

 

I just got off the phone with him. He was still really sweet. I did, however, find out that he has a 15 year old daughter. Believe me, I was expecting children and an ex-wife (or wives), but I was definitely thinking his children would be grown and probably older than me.

 

It hasn't made me change my mind, but I am definitely processing it....should we keep this from her? I don't know how I would've felt at 15 if my dad was seeing a girl just 6 years older than me......and I desperately would want her to accept me if we did tell her.....I would be perfectly fine with not telling her or anyone else in his family.....but idk how'd that would work out if we did get serious. I do not believe he has custody of her. I believe it is a I get weekends thing.

I feel as though this has suddenly become a lot more complicated.

 

I appreciate any advice.

[Anderlie]

No need to put the cart before the horse, go for a date first and see if all the cuteness translates to anything real before you plan on family integration lol.

 

If you get a few dates in and it feels like there's potential then discuss with him what his plans are there, it's his daughter and he should get to take the reigns on how you are introduced or if you are at all. I wouldn't blame him if he was extremely hesitant for a loooooong time.

 

ETA: of course you get a say, for instance if he tried to introduce you as her new mother on date 1 then yes you are within your rights to say no. BUT if he doesn't want you anywhere near the girl for a while I think that's sane and you should respect that.

[LucieE]

I completely agree. I really like to overthink things!! Lol

We should find out if we even mesh well before I should be concerned about any of this.

I would definitely let it be his decision and I would be okay if he didn't want me to meet her either. I'd respect it either way. Just a shock I guess lol

[mysteryscape]

I think what Bacall meant to say was it was the best time of her CAREER.

 

Nope! Best time of her life. Despite whatever else may or may not have been going on -- do you believe all the gossip you read?

[mysteryscape]

I think that studies actually show that large age difference relationships are no more or less successful than others. That is really my point in bringing up some successful (or maybe less than successful) cases: they can work.

[FitChick]

If you want FWB it's irrelevant what others think. You can keep it a secret and just meet for sex or go places out of town where you are less likely to bump into anyone.

[FitChick]

Best time of her life. Despite whatever else may or may not have been going on -- do you believe all the gossip you read?

Do you? The affairs have been discussed for many years. Nothing new. Not to say that partying with the upper echelons of showbiz wasn't exciting for her when she was young. Just that the myth of Bogart and Bacall is like the myth of JFK, Jackie and Camelot. In Bacall's memoirs she said Bogie was furious when she got pregnant because he didn't want to share her with a baby.

[mysteryscape]

A biography by Kitty Kelley. A real reliable source. She was the one who insinuated that Sinatra was having an affair in the White House with Nancy Reagan. You believe that one too?

 

Look, Bogie and Bacall may not have been perfect, but she DID say that those were the best years of her life, that Bogie was her great love.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

... yeah, it's still more fun to juggle and contemplate the far-reaching things as soon as you can, juuuuuuuuuuust to have some cause to THINK about him (some more).

 

 

But of course the common sensible thing to remember is:

 

 

You can always tell the fifteen-year-old daughter, but you can never UN-tell her...

 

 

Let that last concept dictate the near-term for you, while you're merely having fun with one another.

 

 

(and I do NOT mean that you'll eventually need to present it as any big deal {speaking only with regard to your respective ages} )

 

 

Just thinking along with you.

[LucieE]

Yeasssssssss I knowwwwww, I am just trying to come up with ways to think about this more.

 

You're absolutely right, and I thank all of you for your advice and opinions.

 

I don't have anything new to tell so I think I'll just go think

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I don't have anything new to tell so I think I'll just go think

 

 

 

 

That line is so funny!

[mysteryscape]

Maybe she's too busy with her new boyfriend?

 

I'm sure we'd all like to hear what has happened!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Yes, we would collectively like an update from Lucie.

[LucieE]

Things are good!

I have so so so so much to tell. Once I am able to sit down and type it all I will. I actually logged back on today because I was going to send each of you a private message asking for advice

Once I am able to type it all trust me I will .

[smackie9]

post it because most of us don't pay for private messaging.

[Trimmer]

post it because most of us don't pay for private messaging.

If you've got 50-100 posts or more, and you've been a member for a few months, you can have private messaging without having to pay for it. You do have to go into your Control Panel (or whatever it's called) and turn it on - it's not enabled by default.

 

Paying for it is sometimes suggested when a very new member would benefit from private messaging for some reason, and cannot wait for it to be enabled "naturally". But it's not necessary.

 

The actual issue here is that since LucieE has so few posts, and is such a new member, she may very well not be able to SEND PM's at this point.

[LucieE]

I didn't know that you had to pay for private messaging. No worries.

 

I am going to tell y'all everything because the anonymity of the internet makes me feel comfortable in doing so, because you don't have to read this if you don't want too, and because I really want some advice.

 

This is going to be really, really, really long, but I want you to know the full story so that you can help me and give your input as much as possible. I don't mind criticism or blunt honesty as long as it's meant to be helpful.

 

The last time I posted I mentioned how I just found out he had a daughter (he doesn't have full custody he only gets her occasionally on weekends) and how I thought he wanted something more serious and how I knew for sure that he liked me. I also said pretty clearly that all that I wanted was a FWB relationship but I would be open minded towards something else.

 

Well, I am still certain that he likes me and I am definitely certain that I still like him. What I need advice on, is that my feelings have changed. I was so certain that all I wanted was physical and now that's not how I feel.....ughhhghghhghg lol I feel so frustrated typing this...I have a crush on him. A crush that is more than physical now. And before I felt confidant that he liked me more than physically too or atleast I wasn't as worried about whether or not he did because I was certain that I didn't need or want anything more than just the physical.

 

What I need advice on is that I like him a lot and I don't know if he feels the same way....or if he wants it to be just sex. So I'm just going to tell you everything, and you tell me what you think.

 

At this point, our conversations were still only around 5-15 minutes long and we still had not yet been out together or seen each other in person since we had started talking on the phone. We also had not yet (still haven't actually) discussed what each other wanted / wants out of this. Our conversation became more flirtatious, he told me he wanted me and that he fantasized about me. The day after I last posted, I called him and left a message asking how his day was going etc. He called me back while I was at work, and left me a message saying "Hey ____ , I'm kinda glad you didn't answer, because I want to tell you about one of my fantasies about you, it's a small one, but I want you to call me, I want you to let me come over, and I want you to answer the door wearing nothing but a towel, a bathrobe, something....and that's just one of my small ones about you. anyways baby bye."

 

I was happy / excited when I got the message, but I was also uneasy. I was uneasy because I had wanted us to go out before we did anything physical, but I think I was mostly uneasy because I had begun to realize at this point that I wanted something more than just physical with him and I was worried if we jumped into sex right away he wouldn't feel the same way.

 

I pushed any uneasiness aside and called him back that night. He did not answer. I didn't know how to follow up a message like he had left me, so I didn't leave a message. A few days passed, and he didn't call me back....I was disappointed, but I decided to try and call him again. He still didn't answer, and I didn't leave a message. I was disappointed, upset, and I figured he had changed his mind. I did not call him again.

 

Six days after he left his fantasy message, he called me and left a message saying " Hey ____, it's ____, I hope you didn't get the wrong idea of what I said to you, when I called you, but you know what I meant by it all is that I ain't been with nobody in a while, and you look nice, and I'm attracted to you, and you're young so of course, I want to be with you, and I'm physically attracted to you, not that that's all that I want or that I don't want to get to know you better, but I do want that. I just wanted to call and say I was sorry...anyways bye baby"

 

I was happy / ecstatic, I realized that because I didn't leave a message he must have not realized that I had called. I called him back that day and left a message saying that I had not meant to make him think that I was upset, that I wanted him too but I want to get to know him first, and that I had called.

 

He called me back that day elated, and his message said "Oh, ____, your voice sounds so sweet, listen, you've got to let me have my fantasy with you, I promise I won't mess with you, I just want to kiss you...call me baby bye"

 

I was happy....but I was uneasy...again. I didn't want to rush into this. I wanted us to take our time and my emotions were mixed because I had realized that I really liked him now.

 

I called him back that afternoon after I got off work, and he answered. He told me how happy he was that I called and how much he loved hearing my voice in that last message. He mentioned again about coming over, I told him I wanted to meet with him first, that I wanted to get to know him. He understood. He told me he wasn't going to pressure me, and that no means no. He told me about his daughter again and when he sees her, he told me that his daughter's mother and him are friends but that they haven't been physical in years. He told me he doesn't smoke, I told him I didn't either, he said listen, I do like a drink and I do like my beer. I told him I didn't drink, he immediately said then I will not drink around you I do not want you to be uncomfortable. (I was surprised by that) I told him it wouldn't bother me as long as it wasn't excessive. He lives about 20 minutes from me in the same town that I grew up in and where my parents live. We talked about the area for a little while. I don't think he believed me when I told him that I had called him back after that last message. He said over and over again "listen, you've GOT to call me. Call me, I promise I won't mess with you. Just call me."

 

A day ( or two ?) later it was thanksgiving, he calls me that morning and leaves a message saying "Hey ___, I was just seeing if you were going out to your parents today or what you were doing today...I was gonna see if you wanted to stop by and see me today when you went out there...anyways bye."

 

I was already at my parents when I got the message...I called him back and we made plans, I would meet him at his house at 6:00. I could hear in his voice that he was thrilled. I made sure I looked very good. I was determined however that we would not have sex. I wanted to just talk to him tonight. When I got there, I got out of my car and I think we were both nervous. I could tell he was happy I was there.

 

We talked outside for a little bit, he told me about his dog, and his property, we walked inside the house and his home is such a perfect representation of him I almost had to laugh.

The only way I know how to describe him is 100% man. He is very rugged, there is nothing soft or gentle about his demeanor at all. He is from a northern state (we're in America) and he is very blunt / frank, not rude, just completely straight forward. There are no frills to him, he is very much what you see is what you get. It's what attracted me to him in the first place. He has blonde hair and blue eyes. It's just funny, we couldn't be anymore different. I am extremely feminine, my master bedroom is painted pink, there are flowers in almost every room in my house, I love poetry, and even my living room is a light pink. I am from a southern state and very much am in that kind of a culture. I say y'all and I love big hair. I have dark brown hair, fair skin, and brown eyes.

 

The only way I know how to describe his home is man cave meets James Bond meets the 70's. As soon as you walk in there is a pool table where a dining room table would go, and a custom bar stocked with alcohol. Everything is very minimal and organized, it's very clean which I was impressed with. Any doubts I may have had about him having a woman there were quickly discarded, I don't believe that a woman, other than his daughter, has ever been there. It definitely shouts "MAN." He has a ton of old records, vintage collectibles, a Bond poster, etc. I felt out of place, lol, but I also felt welcomed if that makes any sense.

 

When we first walked in, he stopped me and said "Can I look at you?" he held me at arms length and examined me, he went over and over and over about how beautiful I was. He told me how beautiful my eyes were, my hair, etc. I couldn't help but feel like a doll in his arms and it made me slightly uncomfortable (although I was flattered). I was so tense and nervous. He would hold me in his hands and examine me for a few minutes and then bring me close to his chest and hold me there for a few minutes, and then repeat. Finally, I brought my face to his, trying to signal that I wanted him to kiss me. I think he was surprised at first. I think part of him must've thought that I wasn't serious about wanting him? He seemed shocked. Finally, we kissed, and we kissed several times. We stopped and he held me again. Then he said let me show you the house, he showed me his bar, his pool table set up, and the kitchen, he has a collection of records. I told him I have my own record player, and I enjoy Sinatra, Dean Martin, Glenn Miller, Benny Goodman, etc. He went into how Rock N Roll was what he loved, every so often going through the house we would stop and kiss for a moment. There were times after we would kiss that he would take his hands off me and shake his head. He showed me his daughters picture, and his daughters room. We got to his room and kissed longer. We talked a little more and walked out. He led me to his front door and I was about to leave. We kissed again, and he held me again.

 

I'll spare some details but he asked if we could go back to his room, I said yes. We walked back there and we both took our shirts off. Nothing happened below the belt. We touched each others chests and he wanted to go further. I enjoyed everything that happened, but I knew I wanted to wait. I told him I should go. He said Do you want me to stop ? I said yes. We started to put our shirts back on, and he said "you aren't mad at me, are you ?" I said "No, definitely not." and I wasn't. As I was getting my shirt back on, he left and went to the kitchen. (for some reason it bothered me that he left me alone.) I walked out there, I was worried he was maybe upset that I had stopped it, I asked him if he was upset, he said no, he asked if I was I said no. We talked some more. I told him that I was nervous, because he was so much more experienced than I was, he laughed held his hand out to me and said "look at me, I'M nervous." He shook his head and smiled and said " I shouldn't even be touching you." At this point, we were both leaning across his bar and he took my hands in his and leaned towards me. He would hold my hands and stroke them as we talked. We talked about records we liked, he told me about how he was in the army and where he was from originally. He told me "listen, I will change for someone, if they want me too, to an extent. Like If you want me to start going to church, I will, I will go every Sunday morning if that's what you want, and I will be involved, I won't be some dumbass falling asleep on the bench, but I'm only gonna go Sunday morning, I'm not gonna go twice on Sunday and then Wednesday. I'm not gonna go crazy but I'll do what you ask." (he used the church as an example, but I thought what he said was sweet.) I told him that I wasn't looking to change him, I think that meant a lot to him. He told me again how much he loved my hair and my voice. He told me "listen, I don't have internet here and I don't have a cell phone. When you asked me if I texted, I told the guy I work with that, and he laughed and laughed. It isn't that I'm retaliating against the phones or anything, I just don't like that stuff. I wouldn't even know how to begin to text and I've never had a cell phone. All I have is that (he pointed to his one small home phone) " I told him I didn't mind and that it was okay with me, I told him it was different. I told him my only concern was that if something happened to him how would he call for help ? or let someone know ? I think it touched him when I said that. He brought up the things he collects and he told me about his sister passing recently, and he showed me her saddle that he still had from her, he said "it's not like I'm living in the past, it's just I was alone for a long time, and the only thing that made me feel better was going to the antique malls and the record stores and being around these things." We talked some more, and as I was leaving he looked at me and said "I don't deserve you."

we said good bye, and I went home. (I felt good about what happened, and I knew I really liked him, I scolded myself for being so nervous and tense around him, and I knew that I was ready to take the next step with him. I was ready to have sex with him)

 

He called me ten minutes after I left and asked if I was okay with everything that happened and I told him I was...we talked some more and said goodnight.

 

The next day he called me and left a message, saying "Hey ___, I just called to say hey, and last night after you left I smelled your perfume in the house and it was so nice...anyways I hope you're still okay with everything that happened, anyways, call me baby bye."

 

I called him and we talked, he told me how sweet my voice sounded, he told me how much he loved smelling my perfume in the house after I left and told me he could even smell some of it this morning. He told me about this crazy neighbor he has that keeps trying to steal his dog, and we laughed and laughed. He kept saying over and over "I know you don't wanna hear this, I know I'm boring you." and I kept reassuring him that he wasn't. I was on my way to my second job at the time, and we talked about that, and he said "I would never let my old lady work two jobs" (where I am, it's common to refer to your SO as your old lady / old man.) I know it's silly but the old lady comment bothered me slightly...it made me feel like he didn't look at me as his old lady since he said that...but maybe he meant it more like 'if you were with me, I'd take care of you' kind of way. He told me he set some records aside for me, and he wanted me to get them when I came by again. (I thought that was really sweet) He asked me again if I was okay with everything that happened. I told him I was. He told me he was glad I stopped it, that he wanted me to be completely comfortable. He told me two things stuck out more than anything else and they were the way I looked when I got out of the car and the way he felt when he realized I was going to let him kiss me. We said goodbye.

 

The next day he called me again and left message saying he just wanted to talk and laugh for a minute. I called him back, he told me the crazy stories about his elderly neighbor coming over trying to steal his dog. We talked a little more, he said " there are so many things I want to do to you." He knew I was at my parents at the time, and he said "look, don't tell your parents about me, I don't think they would understand." I told him that I hadn't told my parents (but it bothered me that he asked me not too.......) Eventually though, if it got serious between us, I would tell my parents and I genuinely think they would understand....(my moms first marriage was to someone 20 years older than her.) it bothered me that he asked that. We said goodbyes.

 

That night he called again and left a message "Hey ____, man, I am starting to really think about you a lot, and I hope you're thinking about me a little bit, anyways bye."

I called him back that night, and we talked. (this is still my favorite conversation we've had.) He sounded so sweet. He said "Look, I don't know what you want....but I mean, I could try and keep up with you if that's what you wanted.....I don't know what you want." I said "What do you want?" He just laughed and didn't say anything. We made plans to see each other the next day. He told me he really liked me and liked talking to me. He told me how beautiful he thought I was. He said "listen, don't think I don't know how lucky I am you're willing to do this with me." He told me about how he talked about me to his work partner, and his partner asked him to describe me, he said "I told him you were an Angel." he laughed, and said again "I told him you were an Angel, isn't that ****ed up?" he laughed again. I said "it's a really sweet thing to say, but I'm not an Angel" and we both laughed and he said "You look like one. When you got of your car the first time, you looked like an Angel." He told me later on "listen, I don't know what you're wanting out of this....but I like you a lot, and I am attached to you." I told him I liked him a lot too, (at this point I felt confident that he wanted me in a serious way and I was elated but I never told him that was what I wanted.) I knew that when we saw each other the next day, that I was ready to be with him. (I also knew we needed to talk about protection etc)

I did say " ____, I need to tell you something, I am not on birth control. I know that's something I need to take care of, I just haven't because I haven't been sexually active in a while and ." and he interrupted me and said "well, I might ruin everything, I don't know if you'll still be interested...I don't know what you want, but I can't have children...I had a vasectomy so there's no way for me to get you pregnant, I don't know if that is something you would want." I told him no, that I thought it would be easier for us this way. I told him that eventually I would want children, but not anytime soon. He laughed, and said listen you have the rest of your life for kids, you've got plenty of time, but I also think he was slightly disappointed / remorseful that we wouldn't ever be able to do that. He told me "look, I want you to be completely honest with me" I promised him I would be, and I told him I wanted him to be with me too. He said "I want to do whatever it takes so that I can have you whenever I want you.....and so that you can have me whenever you want me too." I agreed. We talked a little more and then said our goodnights.

 

At this point, I was on a high and felt confident and happy that he wanted to be with me in a serious way too. Everything was smooth and I was happy.

 

He is so rugged, and aggressive in nature, like I said before there is nothing soft or gentle about him, but the night I went to his house for the first time and this particular phone call, I felt like I saw glimpses of the very lonely man underneath all that. I loved seeing that side of him. It was so sweet and it touched me.

 

I'm going to type up what happened the next day, but it's almost midnight here and I am so tired, and I will post the rest tomorrow, but that's when my doubt started to creep in.

[mysteryscape]

Sounds like a lot going on. I haven't been able to digest or even read all of it. One thing you should consider is that vasectomies are sometimes reversible. Sometime they don't even work, my cousin had a surprise. (And it was his child!)

[smackie9]

He had a vasectomy for a reason....he doesn't want to have children because of his age and he just wants to be a father to his own daughter. That train has come to a stop, so don't ever hope for it to arrive. But it was very proper of you to tell him straight that someday you will want children, but the reality is, it will be with someone closer to you own age, which would make total sense. Secondly, you both are being infatuated with each other and your common sense for the both of you is out the window. Stop planning a future together, just expect this to be a BF/GF relationship, enjoy your time together. Like he said you have many years ahead of you to find someone to marry and have babies with, but don't let that stop you from having a relationship, that could last say 2 to 3 years. The reality is you both will eventually go your separate ways, but this is something you shouldn't be thinking about. For all you know this might only last a few months. My advice to you is, to communicate well, and have fun with it. Stop over thinking beyond that.