I am attracted to a man 32 years older than me. Help!

[stillafool]

I don't see anything wrong with you becoming FWB with a man 32 years older if that is what you are attracted to, however it does make me wonder about your relationship with your own father. Do you have a good relationship with your dad and was he supportive of you?

[LucieE]

My dad and I have a good relationship. Nothing out of like the ordinary family spats happen. Both of my parents are still married.

 

I think I'm just attracted to him. Although I could say that I'm attracted to him too because my life does seem very chaotic and I think dating someone older would give a sense of security. Like a safe place to run to when I feel overwhelmed. I also have always been attracted to older men, this is just the first time I feel like I've thought about acting on it. When I was I highschool I had a crush on George clooney while all my friends liked Channing Tatum.

[mysteryscape]

Maybe I did give mixed signals but it wasn't my intention. My intention when I said "well I understand it couldn't be anything super serious" was to try and convey that, well, that I knew we weren't gonna get married or anything.

 

... don't turn down something that hasn't been offered!

 

The mixed signals are from HIS point of view that is he may not want to limit things as much as you indicated you do.

[LucieE]

Well, I don't know what else to do to convey that I like him. I called and no answer. I'm still gonna see him when comes by to pay his bill. I don't know, I think I am going to leave it here.

 

Thank you for your advice and I can see where he took it that way, if he wants further than that, but still I think he still would've called if he was interested. I don't know.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

LucieE, you sound like an incredibly mature 21 year old and this guy should've asked you out days ago! Maybe he's dating someone...

 

He knows you're interested so leave the ball in his court. Like another suggested, if he calls.. ask him out! If he doesn't call you back..I would leave it alone.

[LucieE]

Thank you! I think that's what I'm gonna do

[LucieE]

He CALLED me.

 

Sorry, I just wanted to let y'all know in case anybody wanted to know. Lol.

 

He just called me and we talked and he was really really sweet. He asked me several times if I was sure that this was what I wanted and then he says "look just give me a chance". In my mind I'm like (I'm the one that's been waiting for you to call! Lol)

 

Anyways though we have plans and I'm excited. I do definitely think though that a lot of you were right, he wants this to be serious. I'm gonna stay openminded.

 

Thanks everyone!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I was gonna blurt my thoughts in response to MY last statement, er to your reply to same

 

 

Glad I scrolled through the seeming cliff-hanger here.

 

 

 

I was merely going to suggest that a guy his age, would be 'pinching' himself at the thought of a young lass being serious in wanting his company.

 

So some of that may excuse his not being AS direct as might have been the last 23yo who noticed you or your friends.

 

 

BUT I am sure he was in a mind frame of thinking "maybe... MAY-be... May-be..." to where a push, or a SHOVE is all he would have needed to really LET HIMSELF (first believe it to be true, and only THEN be/seem more confident acting on his own interest).

 

Your spelling-out "I want YOU to ask me out on a date" would have equated TO that shove!

[GildedLily]

To the OP, it's great he called you, he should be chasing you and taking you on real dates. You should really explore why you want to be FWBs with someone bcs once you orgasm you will release oxytocin which will automatically bond you chemically to him. Happens to all women and rarely men on orgasm.

 

To some of the other posters, I think it's so weird the emphasis on youth being placed here, many many men should be creeped out to be with someone 32 years older than them and if they are healthy would not do so, this is not my opinion but rather the opinion of many distinguished therapists. Men dating substantially younger are not doing so to date an "equal" . This is coming from someone in a marriage with half of the OP's age difference between us. By the way youth doesn't automatically mean sexual desirability, those who think so are watching too much porn.

[mysteryscape]

You are entitled to your opinion. I happen to know both a psychiatrist and a clergyman who would disagree with you. And no, I don't subscribe to the porn channel, thank you.

[LucieE]

SincereOnlineGuy, Mysteryscape, and everyone else thank you all for your help.

 

After the conversation we had last night, I believe you were right, Sincere.

(But I did call him too! I just chickened out and didn't leave a message)

 

He was extremely sweet but hesitant on the phone. He asked me several times if I was okay, if I had thought about it more, and what my feelings were if they were still the same. I told him I was fine and that my feelings were still the same. He told me "listen, I am not gonna lie to you or bull**** you." He made if clear if I had questions or concerns or anything, that he would be upfront. He told me again how attractive he thought I was, and he said I think you're beautiful, I don't know what you see in me. I didn't mess up this time, and I told him about how attractive I find him, I could tell he was maybe dumbfounded but excited/happy. At one point he said "just give me a chance". I have no doubt that he likes me / is interested now. I think you were right, I think he was just caught off guard, surprised, shocked etc

I think he needed time to think about it but I also think he wanted to give me my space and make sure I thought about it.

 

I definitely think 100% he wants this to be serious. I'm openminded towards the idea.

 

The only thing I thought was odd (not necessarily in a bad way please don't take it that way) is how protective he was towards me in the conversation. I thought it was endearing, but I was just surprised he acted that way this early on (not saying it's a bad thing just saying), he also ended the conversation with "bye baby". Which I thought was forward seeing as how we've only talked on the phone twice and haven't been out yet. However, he was not under any circumstances pushy.

 

Either way, I'm excited we are going to go out and I'm excited to see where it goes.

 

As far as the psychology behind why I am attracted to him or why he is attracted to me, I honestly don't know. I just am. I don't have a good reason other than that I think he's attractive and he doesn't seem like he would play games or be immature and I think he would be like a safe haven when I get stressed out or overwhelmed with college, work or just trying to figure out where I'm going in life in general.

I also understand that this may not be a good decision and I may regret it at some time, but from what I understand young and stupid is the best way to become old and wise and I'm willing to make a mistake or two.

[mysteryscape]

I think his "protectiveness" is only odd in that it is kind of unusual. I think it's OK that he called you "baby" though I wouldn't do that, I think Bogey called Bacall that. Their age difference was something like 19 and 45, even more extreme in some ways (becuase she was younger). She always said the time with Bogie was the best time of her life. I knew another couple where it was 18 and 45. He recently died after a long and happy marriage in which they both had somewhat distinguished careers.

 

I would only suggest that before too much time goes on, you talk to him about your hesitation to have anything "serious." It sounds like he is getting infatuated quickly. I hope he doesn't have a terrible letdown.

 

But that is getting ahead of things. Good luck to you and I hope you will report back.

 

And remember, old can be just as stupid as young in these things. And, you have people here who are ready to help with their "wisdom"!

[ktya]

This is going to be long and I apologize in advance. Lol. Please help me if you can! I am 21 years old and I need some advice. Please do not be judgemental. There is a man that I am very attracted too, and I think he is 53 years old (almost positive not for sure definitely in that range). I am very young and focused on my career right now, I have my own home that I purchased and I work two jobs. I consider myself very mature and boys /men my age can be irritating because they aren't ambitious or mature. I am not looking for a serious relationship or children or marriage. This isn't a money thing, I know where he works and I would be almost confidant that make more than he does.

 

OP I didn't read anything other than your original post but given what I have quoted above you are extraordinarily mature for your age, it makes sense that you would be attracted to someone significantly older. Your average 21-25 year old guy is more focused on his score at beer pong than mortgage payments. Your average 21 year old girl is usually more focused on being someone's princess and getting her ego stroked.

 

You say your not looking for a serious relationship or marriage or children and this guy in his 50s certainly wouldn't be looking for any of that out of you, save for if he became infatuated with you and the beaming glow of dating someone so much younger than he is (I've been there it can be intoxicating).

 

Go for it just check your emotions. You at 21 may be super mature for your age but you may lack the experience to differentiate love and sex once the ball gets rolling. He will be able to do it even if he gets infatuated and you put distance between you he'll be OK.

 

As a long term play this would be a horrible idea with that kind of age difference but if you just want to hang out with an older guy who can talk the same language as you nothing wrong with that. I'd give you a 99% chance if you give him your number and want to date him that he'll go for it. I can't imagine a 53 year old guy rejecting a 21 year old girl who is into him even if married or with a live in girlfriend. For him it will be one of those once in a lifetime opportunities.

[Elle1975]

It reminds me of my dad when he was over 50, went after a 19 y old girl, and was gentleman enough to knock her up in the process.

 

There are social norms in place for a reason.

[mysteryscape]

No 19 year old ever gets knocked up by a 20 year guy. The social norms work beautifully!

[ktya]

It reminds me of my dad when he was over 50, went after a 19 y old girl, and was gentleman enough to knock her up in the process.

 

There are social norms in place for a reason.

 

Thats called "locking her down". Not particularly ethical, I dont agree with having irresponsible sex with a girl to lock her down, but I know women will often do the same thing when they want a guy for keeps.

[LucieE]

Thank you mysteryscape!

 

Thank you ktya. I would like to think I'm pretty mature. Lol.

 

I have no intentions whatsoever to have this man's child/children. I would like to be well into my late 20's / early 30's before I even think of children.

 

I have no interest in trapping him.

 

As far as him trapping me, well, it's really in my control whether or not he can do that I think.

 

I think there are ways to prevent yourself from being 'trapped'.

 

Every person and situation is different. I think my situation is certainly different from that of your father's.

[JohanD]

As a man, I am very certain that he likes you and that he is attracted to you. he comes back often, so seems like a rather stable guy, which is good to know! I would actually not give him your number, instead write:

 

Would you like to have dinner with me? + your First name initial (or your name if he knows it)!

 

This is so much better than giving him your number, and will give you an answer fast as well as building excitement!

 

Please let us know the outcome!!!!

[readynow]

'Bye baby' I love that!

 

I'm fine with big age-gap relationships but this one seems very wide. You as a 21YO do have a lot to look forward to in life so weigh this up properly.

 

Also be prepared to manage the everybody else, family and friends. Other people will always mistake you for father and daughter. Be prepared to manage his own expectations too because although you might see this as a possible FWB thing, he's probably thinking you're his reward for all the good deeds he ever did and may want you for keeps.

 

For you also, you may only want him for now but what happens when you develop deep feelings for each other and years from now, you become ready for a family?

 

I'm probably over analysing this Pls keep us updated, it will be great to see how this progresses.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

many many men should be creeped out to be with someone 32 years older than them

 

 

 

You sound like someone who hasn't even paid any attention to this thread.

 

 

Where did you get that??

[SincereOnlineGuy]

SincereOnlineGuy, Mysteryscape, and everyone else thank you all for your help.

 

After the conversation we had last night, I believe you were right, Sincere.

(But I did call him too! I just chickened out and didn't leave a message)

 

He was extremely sweet but hesitant on the phone. He asked me several times if I was okay, if I had thought about it more, and what my feelings were if they were still the same. I told him I was fine and that my feelings were still the same. He told me "listen, I am not gonna lie to you or bull**** you." He made if clear if I had questions or concerns or anything, that he would be upfront. He told me again how attractive he thought I was, and he said I think you're beautiful, I don't know what you see in me. I didn't mess up this time, and I told him about how attractive I find him, I could tell he was maybe dumbfounded but excited/happy. At one point he said "just give me a chance". I have no doubt that he likes me / is interested now. I think you were right, I think he was just caught off guard, surprised, shocked etc

I think he needed time to think about it but I also think he wanted to give me my space and make sure I thought about it.

 

I definitely think 100% he wants this to be serious. I'm openminded towards the idea.

 

The only thing I thought was odd (not necessarily in a bad way please don't take it that way) is how protective he was towards me in the conversation. I thought it was endearing, but I was just surprised he acted that way this early on (not saying it's a bad thing just saying), he also ended the conversation with "bye baby". Which I thought was forward seeing as how we've only talked on the phone twice and haven't been out yet. However, he was not under any circumstances pushy.

 

Either way, I'm excited we are going to go out and I'm excited to see where it goes.

 

As far as the psychology behind why I am attracted to him or why he is attracted to me, I honestly don't know. I just am. I don't have a good reason other than that I think he's attractive and he doesn't seem like he would play games or be immature and I think he would be like a safe haven when I get stressed out or overwhelmed with college, work or just trying to figure out where I'm going in life in general.

I also understand that this may not be a good decision and I may regret it at some time, but from what I understand young and stupid is the best way to become old and wise and I'm willing to make a mistake or two.

 

 

 

When you find yourself analyzing the "bye baby" part, you are only indulging yourself in how MUCH you want to enjoy merely thinking about him (and analyzing every iota). (which is all normal, and just like nearly all relationships between two younger people)

 

It is NOT any noteworthy concern at all that he said 'bye baby' in the context of all of this.

 

 

Getting back to an earlier thought, liken him TO the guy who does spell-out his significant flaws to the equivalent of someone he met online before they met in person.

 

We all sit around here and trade stories about online-to-real-life meetings, OF people who didn't spell-out in advance that they had a large green, ooozing unicorn horn protruding from their foreheads, and how terrible it was to omit something so significant.

 

Consider that we never hear from the ones who ARE responsible enough to announce their flaws up-front, and who are sincere enough to think to do so. Consider, also, that any such (mythical in this case) online person who is 'aware' enough to DO something like spelling-out his flaws clearly to another, innocent soul... has AFFORDED HIMSELF surprising comfort, the likes of which many of us with various insecurities might not even *know*.

 

Ultimately, such a (mythical in this case) online person does this for HIMSELF, and for HIS OWN BENEFIT (even though it seeeeems as if he is doing so for the sake of the other person). Clarity: it's a bonus for all sides!

 

 

 

 

**********************************************************************

Let me stress that I know that THIS THREAD has ZERO to do with online dating, or online meetings - I'm just using/making an example

**********************************************************************

 

 

 

 

Now equate the older man in this thread, TO the example of the online person above who spells-out his major flaws (so that he affords himself the extreme COMFORT of showing-up for a first meeting with somebody he now knows to be expecting 'HIM').

 

The older guy is exercising WONDERFUL INSTINCTS of somebody who is both deeply interested and drawn TO young LucieE... while at the same time he is inclined to help her to be as clear as she can with regard to just who he is, and how they might mesh.

 

Upon interacting with Lucie after building such a foundation, he will be entirely free to really {enjoy the fruits of her youth} in unbridled fashion. (and it is entirely possible that she might well love every minute of it).

[LucieE]

When you find yourself analyzing the "bye baby" part, you are only indulging yourself in how MUCH you want to enjoy merely thinking about him (and analyzing every iota). (which is all normal, and just like nearly all relationships between two younger people)

 

It is NOT any noteworthy concern at all that he said 'bye baby' in the context of all of this.

 

 

Getting back to an earlier thought, liken him TO the guy who does spell-out his significant flaws to the equivalent of someone he met online before they met in person.

 

We all sit around here and trade stories about online-to-real-life meetings, OF people who didn't spell-out in advance that they had a large green, ooozing unicorn horn protruding from their foreheads, and how terrible it was to omit something so significant.

 

Consider that we never hear from the ones who ARE responsible enough to announce their flaws up-front, and who are sincere enough to think to do so. Consider, also, that any such (mythical in this case) online person who is 'aware' enough to DO something like spelling-out his flaws clearly to another, innocent soul... has AFFORDED HIMSELF surprising comfort, the likes of which many of us with various insecurities might not even *know*.

 

Ultimately, such a (mythical in this case) online person does this for HIMSELF, and for HIS OWN BENEFIT (even though it seeeeems as if he is doing so for the sake of the other person). Clarity: it's a bonus for all sides!

 

 

 

 

**********************************************************************

Let me stress that I know that THIS THREAD has ZERO to do with online dating, or online meetings - I'm just using/making an example

**********************************************************************

 

 

 

 

Now equate the older man in this thread, TO the example of the online person above who spells-out his major flaws (so that he affords himself the extreme COMFORT of showing-up for a first meeting with somebody he now knows to be expecting 'HIM').

 

The older guy is exercising WONDERFUL INSTINCTS of somebody who is both deeply interested and drawn TO young LucieE... while at the same time he is inclined to help her to be as clear as she can with regard to just who he is, and how they might mesh.

 

Upon interacting with Lucie after building such a foundation, he will be entirely free to really {enjoy the fruits of her youth} in unbridled fashion. (and it is entirely possible that she might well love every minute of it).

 

 

 

 

 

I think you are very wise, Sincere. I imagine we would be good friends if we knew each other in real life.

 

You are absolutely right about me indulging myself in over analyzing things about this because well, because I do like to over analyze things naturally but also because I have not stopped thinking about him and, well, like you said, I want to be thinking about him. Lol.

 

Your analogy (?) between the man online and him is accurate and I see that now, (I saw it before too, I swear, I just was pouting because I really wanted a date okay ). I believe that he wants to make sure we are both walking into this fully aware. I also think he is making me step back and think, I think he really wants me to evaluate my feelings. Not just for his protection (should I go rushing into this and then change my mind and hurt him), but also for my protection too.

 

I haaaavvvveeeee to say, it makes me want him more.

 

The hesitation at first was killing me, but now I look at it as a very sweet, endearing, and kind gesture.

Certainly, I have never known anyone that has tried to protect or warned me up front about their insecurities and even what could go wrong in the relationship.

 

I also see how he benefits from having done so. He is free to be himself with me now.

 

I am super excited

[SincereOnlineGuy]

... in time, you will look upon it as being indicative of well-founded structure and/or personality.

 

 

With time spent with this or any partner, you will know some circumstances in which only being there, and watching how he reacts will cause you to know what happens when, say, his old high school crush sees you and him together at a fancy restaurant... or when potential road rage flares up... or when his team loses the Super Bowl on a last-second field goal...

 

But what you've already gleaned, from his careful approach, assures that he probably has many more favorable instincts and impulses which you might do well to get to know.

 

I'm glad you are excited about all of this... and don't forget that some of the excitement has nothing to do with age, and is just... how you likely feel every time you've successfully communicated your vulnerability/interest {each in a good way} to someone, and experienced his NOT walking all over your visible feelings.

 

 

Hopefully neither of you will find yourselves working too hard to seem older/younger {aka - someone you're not} merely for thinking the other would be more drawn to same.

 

 

It's OK to be yoursel(ves) - that, in the first place, is what afforded each of you this new excitement!

 

 

 

 

(If he talks about Banana Koogle - don't pretend you know just to seem 'mature' and well-informed - it's OK to ask!!! )

 

 

(If he talks about "Battle of the Network Stars", or about Howard Cosell, you do NOT have to spend all evening before a date studying my70stv dot com in order to seem to fit-in)

 

(If he does a nasally voice imitation of some random-seeming person and uses the name Shari Belafonte Harper - just laugh heartily while disguising your absolute shock over how well I have prepped you here)

 

 

Can't encourage you enough to just BE yourself... (while urging him to do same)

[GildedLily]

You sound like someone who hasn't even paid any attention to this thread.

 

 

Where did you get that??

 

Sorry meant many men would be creeped out to date someone 32 years younger than them, it's pretty easy to see I read the thread, and made a backwards error!

[GildedLily]

You are entitled to your opinion. I happen to know both a psychiatrist and a clergyman who would disagree with you. And no, I don't subscribe to the porn channel, thank you.

 

Glad you talk to your clergyman about sex with younger women lmao