Reconciled with Obsessive Thoughts

[badkarma2013]

I used self hypnosis MP3s I bought and downloaded online for about 10 dollars. There are several good ones for triggers (which you don't mention suffering) and intrusions (which you do). I needed them because my WS gave me a detail about her AP that i did not ask for without realising this would cause me more intense intrusions than if she had just said nothing.

 

Google is your friend here. I was able to rid myself of most, not all intrusions and dramatically reduced the impact of triggers using one every couple of nights before sleeping.

 

 

I forgave her ...Then immediatly filed for Divorce...the OMs life was destroyed when i outed him to his now EW...They both lost their jobs due the the lawsuit i was going to file...her own son wont speak to her and she HAD to leave town...as her family disowned her due the pics the OM left for me....

 

Funny I NEVER TRIGGER...Go figure ... Badkarma Indeed!

[merrmeade]

For a few weeks or months,your partner liked someone besides you,it happens,humans are flawed don't expect perfection out of people. Forgive him and move on with your life.

 

I never understood the anguish over affairs - peoples feelings,desires etc all fluctuate it's part of being human.

Which means nothing more than that, TGT: You don't understand. It also means you obviously have never been through it, so your intellectual assessment and easy advice - just do it, man - means nothing also.

 

But for the OP: you've gotten a lot of good advice here, which mostly comes down to - gotta wait it out - basically.

 

I would add that expressing, explaining it was essential for me - when it was happening - with all the outrage that exploded behind it. I remember one night in particular. I suddenly leaped out of bed in the middle of sex and yelled, "It's like there are all these other women in my bed." (3 to be exact) It was like an animal inside me that came tearing out.

 

I have to hand it to my H. He's listened to all of my explanations of what I'm going through and NEVER once denied, argued or otherwise dismissed what I was feeling. That much he did well. It helped tremendously.

Edited November 13, 2014 by merrmeade

[flowergirl14]

i will post this again

All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true

it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20.

 

It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that.

But WS did.

 

WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will NEVER reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts FOREVER, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head.

That is the hardest thing to live with.

 

EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does.

That time is gone.

 

BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them.

That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong.

 

BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead.

And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue.

 

BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it.

 

Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B.

 

R is the Plan B version of marriage.

 

It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness.

A more tolerable kind of sadness.

 

I have come to this same conclusion. I have to accept that my husband is capable of the worst. I either accept him or move on. I often think he will change but has he really? Like you said its never the whole truth..so why would I expect that now. I have told him that the death of a loved one is horrible but its finite. Affairs are like clothes in a washing machine. Your mentally always agitated!

[flowergirl14]

My husband is also in the stage of acting like the "perfect" spouse. So much so that I actually think he could be cheating again. I don't know for sure but hey I'll take this new behavior and enjoy. During his Affair he was a complete A**h to me and the kids so this feels good. If things don't end up working out at least we will have had some good times.

[jm2013]

My husband is also in the stage of acting like the "perfect" spouse. So much so that I actually think he could be cheating again. I don't know for sure but hey I'll take this new behavior and enjoy. During his Affair he was a complete A**h to me and the kids so this feels good. If things don't end up working out at least we will have had some good times.

 

This seems to be a common theme. My wife and I are trying to reconcile but looking back at everything that happened over the course of the year just makes my stomach churn. I'm not sure where my feelings will go over the course of more time but if I can't seem to snap out of this funk I don't think I'd want to live with these feelings forever with her. I miss looking at a more pristine woman who I thought was keeping her wedding vows and looking forward to growing old with. Now I look back at a cheating, lying selfish woman who she "was" and ask myself how this all happened and trying to adapt to the new woman she is now. The changes are night and day but I have a hard time differentiating what she did into complete sincerity or a feeling of necessity to win me back for her own security and our daughter. Perhaps she carries more guilt from putting her family on the brink of divorce and asking herself how she almost stripped our daughter of her father and gotten thrown into an every other weekend relationship with me.

 

As for now, I am just sitting back and enjoying the ride. We have mostly good days so I can't complain. We never argue and she always hears me out and I guess tries to understand where I'm coming from. I have no clue yet if it's just a front. I guess only time will tell!

[katielee]

at 2.5 years out some of the things that triggers me surprise me, considering where I was a year ago.

 

Last night we were at an event and low and behold OW2's son was the bartender and we sat near oW2's friend she was with when she met hubby at another business event. I was bummed but it certainly didn't ruin my night. I had fun and I just seemed to be "meh" about it. I did let him know that I was a little down in the dumps over it - he didn't know or recognize either of them - but I sure know who the major players are. And then we went to bed.

 

This morning I was cleaning out my desk and work and found a camera. On it was some of the photos I took of his Blackberry when I found out - including a lovey dovey email he sent her. It effing sunk me.

 

Sometimes I want just one day off from this crap. Just one day off of not thinking about it. The alternative? Divorce and thinking about all that would entail - sharing kids at holidays, him with another partner - it just all sucks so bad... ugh.

[xtymorgan]

Thanks to all who responded. Every single response was helpful.

 

To answer some of your questions, yes, we've been through the hysterical bonding period. I think we're almost on the other side of that.

 

No, we aren't going to counseling. I know many of you will want to respond and say it's necessary but I've been through counseling before and I"m not a big fan. But we are going to church (get this - the OW goes to the same church! We haven't run into her yet but I've seen her from a distance) and we've decided to renew our vows. (I'm going to post on this topic next).

 

Thanks again. This forum has been a Godsend to me throughout this process even though I've only posted a couple of times.

 

I'm willing to do the work and move on with my life. As long as he continues to do the work, too. And he has. He's been nothing shot of wonderful to me and I truly believe he is repentant and that he loves only me. But it's early in the reconciliation process so I still have thoughts that he may still love her and miss her but he'd never admit that.

 

Thanks again!

[jnel921]

Which are you more upset over? The things he did while he was in the A initially or the in between time when he left in April until 6 weeks ago when he came back into your home.

 

Honestly it all sounds upsetting to me. Not only did he say he thought he loved her, he left you to give that relationship a chance and I guess realized it wasn't all unicorns and rainbows and decided he wanted to be with you.

 

You need to ask yourself if your love for him is strong enough to handle that. Not all of us are. An A is a lot of hot monkey sex that our WS go off and do with other people. Then they are basking in the glow of their own orgasms and their heads are in a fog. They are not thinking of their BS or how they'd feel about what they are doing. All of a sudden every problem in their M is magnified 100X over and this is what is used to justify their actions.

 

What made you take him back? I know I wouldn't have. The trust would be totally gone. The foundation of our marriage would be gone. He would not get a pass to test the waters and then see if he can float nicely on it. He would never been allowed back into my home or bed if he left me and my kids for some piece of a$$ that in the end meant nothing to him. Besides, it is humiliating. What do you tell your family, your kids? Daddy is done having fun.

 

Good luck to you and whatever you choose to do.