Reconciled with Obsessive Thoughts

[xtymorgan]

I'm new here (actually, I posted a couple of times earlier in the summer when A was just discovered but then disappeared until today) so I'm not up to speed on all the abbreviations, etc. So bear with me.

 

Back Story: H had A with woman he met while we were in a rut. He left me for her in April but they broke it off and he came back home about 6 weeks ago.

 

Current Problem: While I have forgiven him and he's doing many, many things to prove his repentance and love for me, I'm having trouble with getting the images of the two of them together out of my head. To make matters worse, just two days ago we had "the talk" about exactly what happened while they were together. Not only did I just hear for the first time that they had sex 3 times but I also already knew (by reading his texts/facebook messages) that he told her he loved her. Now, he's saying he "thought" he was in love with her but realized he only loved me. But I still have to live with the fact that not only did he have sex with her, he at least THOUGHT he was in love with another woman.

 

Now that I know more specifics about what he did with her, I can't get the image of the two of them together out of my head. I don't want to beat him up over it on a daily basis and actually talking about it just makes it worse. So now I'm stuck with my own demons every day, imagining the two of them having sex. I know it's sick and I trust me, if it was as easy as "just don't think about it" (as he tells me), then I'd just block it out and never think about it again. My doctor even prescribed me a medication that's supposed to help with obsessive thoughts. But it's not working. Last night, we were intimate for the first time and I was able to do it without thinking about them together but afterward, I kept wondering "was that what it was like with her? or was he different with her?"

 

If anyone has survived this stage of reconciliation and found a way to move past these obsessive thoughts, PLEASE help me out. Bottom line, my question is this: will I ever stop thinking and imagining those nasty images? If so, is there anything I can do to help get past it?

 

Thanks,

[Decisiontomake]

Bottom line is yes you will. Well you will as much as you're doing now that is for sure. When my husband had an A I thought about what you are doing constantly. It's a natural, but horrible part of processing, and eventually moving on. It was a time thing for me, along with the actions he was doing to aid the reconciliation. There isn't a magic answer and the "don't think about it" is definitely not an option as you'll think about it at random moments. What you could try though is disciplining yourself each time you do think of it, to think of an image of the two of you since his return. Something nice - sexual or not. Our emotions can't be trained as such but our thought patterns can and that approach might help a little. Keep posting though - good and bad - it will help x

[Thegreatestthing]

For a few weeks or months,your partner liked someone besides you,it happens,humans are flawed don't expect perfection out of people.

Forgive him and move on with your life.

 

I never understood the anguish over affairs - peoples feelings,desires etc all fluctuate it's part of being human.

 

I'm new here (actually, I posted a couple of times earlier in the summer when A was just discovered but then disappeared until today) so I'm not up to speed on all the abbreviations, etc. So bear with me.

 

Back Story: H had A with woman he met while we were in a rut. He left me for her in April but they broke it off and he came back home about 6 weeks ago.

 

Current Problem: While I have forgiven him and he's doing many, many things to prove his repentance and love for me, I'm having trouble with getting the images of the two of them together out of my head. To make matters worse, just two days ago we had "the talk" about exactly what happened while they were together. Not only did I just hear for the first time that they had sex 3 times but I also already knew (by reading his texts/facebook messages) that he told her he loved her. Now, he's saying he "thought" he was in love with her but realized he only loved me. But I still have to live with the fact that not only did he have sex with her, he at least THOUGHT he was in love with another woman.

 

Now that I know more specifics about what he did with her, I can't get the image of the two of them together out of my head. I don't want to beat him up over it on a daily basis and actually talking about it just makes it worse. So now I'm stuck with my own demons every day, imagining the two of them having sex. I know it's sick and I trust me, if it was as easy as "just don't think about it" (as he tells me), then I'd just block it out and never think about it again. My doctor even prescribed me a medication that's supposed to help with obsessive thoughts. But it's not working. Last night, we were intimate for the first time and I was able to do it without thinking about them together but afterward, I kept wondering "was that what it was like with her? or was he different with her?"

 

If anyone has survived this stage of reconciliation and found a way to move past these obsessive thoughts, PLEASE help me out. Bottom line, my question is this: will I ever stop thinking and imagining those nasty images? If so, is there anything I can do to help get past it?

 

Thanks,

[HereNorThere]

The real answer to your question is yes, they go away in time. Like the death of a family member or other traumatic event, the thoughts eventually work themselves out. Sadly, they probably never truly go away completely, but they'll have less significance. Also, seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist or researching rumination and stop thought exercises will help tremendously. There are lots videos on youtube with various techniques to try.

 

I think eventually you just get tired of torturing yourself. You have to let go for YOU, because he's not worth losing your health and sanity.

 

You deserve better for yourself, so give yourself the gift of peace of mind and let it go. You can, you will.

[HereNorThere]

For a few weeks or months,your partner liked someone besides you,it happens,humans are flawed don't expect perfection out of people.

Forgive him and move on with your life.

 

I never understood the anguish over affairs - peoples feelings,desires etc all fluctuate it's part of being human.

 

It's not so much that someone has desires and feelings, it's all the lies, abuse and crazy making behaviors that come along with them. Having your life ripped apart, being lied to and mislead about events, being exposed to a strangers sexual fluids without consent are all pretty devastating things. Explaining to your kids that you'll only be seeing them on the weekends and oh by the way, mom has a boyfriend now is now picnic either. There's a lot more to affairs than meets the eye. Some people simply aren't capable of that sort of cruelty and deception.

[HermioneG]

For a few weeks or months,your partner liked someone besides you,it happens,humans are flawed don't expect perfection out of people.

Forgive him and move on with your life.

 

I never understood the anguish over affairs - peoples feelings,desires etc all fluctuate it's part of being human.

 

Attractions? Normal.

 

The deception of another human being and making choices that impact their physical and mental health without their consent? Harming families?

 

Abnormal and cruel.

[SawtoothMars]

Not only did I just hear for the first time that they had sex 3 times but I also already knew (by reading his texts/facebook messages) that he told her he loved her. Now, he's saying he "thought" he was in love with her but realized he only loved me. But I still have to live with the fact that not only did he have sex with her, he at least THOUGHT he was in love with another woman.

 

If anyone has survived this stage of reconciliation and found a way to move past these obsessive thoughts, PLEASE help me out. Bottom line, my question is this: will I ever stop thinking and imagining those nasty images? If so, is there anything I can do to help get past it?,

 

Ok... I don't think he was "in love" with her. This is kind of a guy secret, but we often tell ladies we are "in love" when in reality we are just "in lust". I really doubt his feelings ran very deep. I say this mostly for posterity sake, because I doubt it's going to make you feel any better.

 

In regards to the mental movies... they should go away over time. There is really no trick to it. It's like having a really deep knife wound... just don't pick at the stitches and let it heal. A short period of hysterical bonding sex often helps people a bit... have you hit that stage?

[Hardgrind]

The obsession will eventually go away. There are some things you can do to deal with them and there are many books out there with advice on how to deal with obsessive thoughts. The one I use is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, there are others also that address this issue. My personal advice is to focus on the current actions of your H more that what he said or wrote to the AP in the past. It also may be healing to talk with him about why they broke up and he came back to you to balance the thoughts about why he was with her in the first place.

[Man Mountain Makino]

Bottom line, my question is this: will I ever stop thinking and imagining those nasty images? If so, is there anything I can do to help get past it?

Yes, there is. But there's a lot of time, effort, and energy between now and then. I wish you the best.

[Oberfeldwebel]

First I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. When wayward spouses (WS) indulge their own selfish desires, it is the betrayed spouse (bs) that ends up paying for their misdeeds. The images in your mind will eventually fade in time, but how long that lasts differs from person to person. Some people immediately get over these things, while others never do. This does not innately made you a good or bad person, it is just a fact of life. My advise is to be honest with each other and know this is going to take awhile to fix. There are no magic pills or shortcuts to help the problem.

 

Additionally, if you are not in counseling, I would highly recommend that you do so. Your anger and fears are all valid and need to be explored to help you heal, but professional help is essential here. You are going to be a riding a roller coaster of emotions, just understand you will have good and bad days. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties are willing to put in the work to fix the problem.

[nightmare01]

I can't get the image of the two of them together out of my head. I don't want to beat him up over it on a daily basis and actually talking about it just makes it worse. So now I'm stuck with my own demons every day, imagining the two of them having sex. I know it's sick and I trust me, if it was as easy as "just don't think about it" (as he tells me), then I'd just block it out and never think about it again.

 

When people tell you to just "forget about it and move on" they are actually saying you should shove it all under the rug and pretend it isn't there. Problem is, there's an awfully big lump in the rug.

 

You can't just "not think about it" or "forget about it and move on". Being betrayed by your spouse is a life altering event. People who say those things are minimizing what was done to you, and marginalizing you as a person.

 

If your spouse is telling you these things, he probably does not have any remorse over what he did. You'll need empathy and remorse from him if you are going to reconcile, because if a person is not truly sorry for what they did how can you ever forgive them? Actually forgiving a person that isn't sorry for the pain they inflicted on you is just asking them to do it again.

 

Getting beyond betrayal takes YEARS and lots of work by both the WS (wayward spouse) and BS (betrayed spouse). It can't be rushed. Healing takes as long as it takes.

 

BUT you will heal. You just can't do it on command because you have to work through all of it.

 

Does your husband have any further contact with this woman?

[harrybrown]

Has your H read about the pain that he has and is causing you?

 

Have him reverse the roles. If you had an A, would he even take you back?

 

Tell him it will take years to get feeling better. I do think the years have made the pain less, but the "flooding of emotions" that you can't control is so painful.

 

It is hard to tell if I am better off with her or without her. If she wasn't trying, I would not be here.

 

Hope you can get a good counselor. He has done a horrible betrayal that blew up your relationship for many many years to come.

 

Hope you can stay if you want to, but only if he is remorseful. good luck, but the images dim over time, but tell him it will take years of trying.

 

I hope he is up for the long haul.

 

 

So sorry for your pain.

[badkarma2013]

Has your H read about the pain that he has and is causing you?

 

Have him reverse the roles. If you had an A, would he even take you back?

 

Tell him it will take years to get feeling better. I do think the years have made the pain less, but the "flooding of emotions" that you can't control is so painful.

 

It is hard to tell if I am better off with her or without her. If she wasn't trying, I would not be here.

 

Hope you can get a good counselor. He has done a horrible betrayal that blew up your relationship for many many years to come.

 

Hope you can stay if you want to, but only if he is remorseful. good luck, but the images dim over time, but tell him it will take years of trying.

 

I hope he is up for the long haul.

 

 

So sorry for your pain.

 

 

i will post this again

All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true

it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20.

 

It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that.

But WS did.

 

WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will NEVER reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts FOREVER, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head.

That is the hardest thing to live with.

 

EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does.

That time is gone.

 

BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them.

That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong.

 

BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead.

And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue.

 

BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it.

 

Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B.

 

R is the Plan B version of marriage.

 

It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness.

A more tolerable kind of sadness.

[gettingstronger]

I am kind of odd in the sex part did not bother me nearly as much as the lying and deceit- instead of picturing them having sex, I would picture him leaving the room (or standing right there) to tell me good night on the phone, I would picture her laughing and smiling at our family vacation photos-it drove me nuts- and as the others say, it does get better-it does pass but it takes so much longer than you want-because when you are going through it the thought of one more day like that seems like torture-

 

I was not able to -turn it off- I just could not- I just endured it, I am not even sure how at this point because I remember it being so painful-

 

All I can say is take care of you- I took up yoga to find my center- to help calm my mind- it has helped incredibly-not to mention I am now a toned size 0/2- that feels good-

 

My body changed faster than my mind, but I do believe it helped-

 

Good luck-

[fellini]

I used self hypnosis MP3s I bought and downloaded online for about 10 dollars. There are several good ones for triggers (which you don't mention suffering) and intrusions (which you do). I needed them because my WS gave me a detail about her AP that i did not ask for without realising this would cause me more intense intrusions than if she had just said nothing.

 

Google is your friend here. I was able to rid myself of most, not all intrusions and dramatically reduced the impact of triggers using one every couple of nights before sleeping.

[jm2013]

I'm one year out and it appears at least to me triggers would never completely go away. Whether it is an anniversary, pictures, commercial, location, conversation, friend or a movie there are countless things that will make you think about it. The obsession may go away but the thought I think will always be there. I guess it is how you use those thoughts. I am to this day still struggling. I have not been able to invest 100% of myself back into my wife after her affair.

 

I hear from my counselor to try and look at the present and not the past to help with this. I find this incredibly hard. There is so much emotional trauma that happens to the betrayed spouse I think these thoughts will always be there as long as the marriage is still continuing. I think with time these thoughts do change.

 

I'm a guy so my thoughts may have been different than that of a BS who's a woman. Initially the physical part bothered me. I'm not sure why. My wife and I had previous partners before we got married. I guess the reason this bothered me so much is not the physical part alone but my wife who I love being able to go through with that and share a sexual experience I thought was only reserved for me since we were married and thought were exclusive to only each other. The lies and betrayal are hard to get over.

 

At least for me I'm at a disgust stage. I told her the past weekend a pile up of emotional things are making her look less appealing if you will. I said this in so many words. I find her physically attractive but the emotional things I'm dealing with are taking the drive out of me. It's like a person who's looks amazing when you first look at them but when you get to know them their personality just strips that all away. I'm not even sure if that's a good example to use cause my wife at least has done so much to try and salvage our marriage. This right now is more of a problem on my end.

 

But to answer your question I think there are some things that will help you take your mind off it.

 

1) Time

 

2) Working out

 

3) Hobbies

 

Last but not least, if you find yourself being mentally tortured by these thoughts down the road you have to ask yourself if a divorce would take this burden away from you. I told my counselor I don't know what my thoughts will be like a year from now. If I find myself still struggling a year from now with these same thoughts I don't think I will be able to invest in my marriage and perhaps a divorce would be best in my situation. If I cannot invest 100% back into my wife somebody else will and I'll just end up getting betrayed again when she finds herself in another affair with a man who is investing in things I'm not able to do right now. Good luck to you and I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes it does seem like mental torture having to endure these thoughts. Only people who've gone through this can relate to it.

Edited November 11, 2014 by jm2013

[SawtoothMars]

This right now is more of a problem on my end.

 

That attitude is why you are struggling.

[jm2013]

That attitude is why you are struggling.

I don't want to hijack this thread but can you elaborate?

[drifter777]

I'm one year out and it appears at least to me triggers would never completely go away. Whether it is an anniversary, pictures, commercial, location, conversation, friend or a movie there are countless things that will make you think about it. The obsession may go away but the thought I think will always be there. I guess it is how you use those thoughts. I am to this day still struggling. I have not been able to invest 100% of myself back into my wife after her affair.

This has been true for me - for decades. The near continuous obsessing ended many years ago, but the triggers put me right back into that moment. I've accepted that this is the best this is ever going to get for me and, for now, I can handle it. Frankly, it's just too late to do anything about it now.

 

For many of us BH's, triggers will always be there. Her betrayal will never be forgotten and the memories will hurt & disgust you ever time they pop up. If you divorce her then, obviously, the triggers are greatly reduced because you don't have to look at her, anniversary's are no big deal, etc, etc. Most men seem to be reluctant to just walk away after d-day and they try the reconciliation path. You can find statistic's regarding the success rate, but those statistic's can never tell you the rate of men who SAY they have reconciled - maybe even believe it - find themselves years later living unhappily married or finally divorcing and walk away.

 

There will always be triggers because you will never forget and you have to accept that fact. Make your decision on reconciliation knowing this fact.

Edited November 11, 2014 by drifter777

[SawtoothMars]

I don't want to hijack this thread but can you elaborate?

 

When attempting to reconcile one of the most important factors in success is actually having a wayward spouse that "gets it".

 

In your situation, you have a wife that has undergone a rather dramatic... and superficial change in behavior. This is likely not just to win you back, but also because she feels bad about her actions prior. The problem being that this new behavior no matter how much she thinks is permanent... is at it's core inauthentic. However, she is probably very scared that you will not love the "real" her, so buries anything she doesn't think will be positive.

 

Now... you are currently faced with a wife who is working her tail off to be fake... a very positive fake... but fake nonetheless. In your heart you know this is fake. She has also trickle truthed you... so that nothing she says can be taken at face value.

 

So you have hit a beautiful brick wall in your reconciliation process. THIS is what makes the mental movies keep rolling. I know, because I've literally been there. You cannot trust the wife you see, and the harder she works to be "perfect" the more fake she seems. That creates insecurity in you and starts the obsessive thoughts about her with the other man. I had it really bad at one point, because after tons of her lies... one of her friends admitted to hearing them have sex in the women's bathroom at a bar 20 minutes before I got there.

[jm2013]

When attempting to reconcile one of the most important factors in success is actually having a wayward spouse that "gets it".

 

In your situation, you have a wife that has undergone a rather dramatic... and superficial change in behavior. This is likely not just to win you back, but also because she feels bad about her actions prior. The problem being that this new behavior no matter how much she thinks is permanent... is at it's core inauthentic. However, she is probably very scared that you will not love the "real" her, so buries anything she doesn't think will be positive.

 

Now... you are currently faced with a wife who is working her tail off to be fake... a very positive fake... but fake nonetheless. In your heart you know this is fake. She has also trickle truthed you... so that nothing she says can be taken at face value.

 

So you have hit a beautiful brick wall in your reconciliation process. THIS is what makes the mental movies keep rolling. I know, because I've literally been there. You cannot trust the wife you see, and the harder she works to be "perfect" the more fake she seems. That creates insecurity in you and starts the obsessive thoughts about her with the other man. I had it really bad at one point, because after tons of her lies... one of her friends admitted to hearing them have sex in the women's bathroom at a bar 20 minutes before I got there.

 

Wow. This sounds so true. So what happened with you and your wife? Did you divorce? Are you still working at a R? I have told my wife this exact thing. But she swears she "changed". Inside she has to be wearing herself out. In ways it feels extremely unnatural. If I was dating a new woman it would feel normal because I would be able to tell she wasn't going out of her way. She would just be herself if you know what I mean. I don't think I've seen my real wife since I got married. She changed a lot after we had our daughter. I can't blame the attitude part completely on her though. I wasn't contributing what I should have to the marriage to help fill her emotional needs.

[SawtoothMars]

Wow. This sounds so true. So what happened with you and your wife? Did you divorce? Are you still working at a R? I have told my wife this exact thing. But she swears she "changed". Inside she has to be wearing herself out. In ways it feels extremely unnatural. If I was dating a new woman it would feel normal because I would be able to tell she wasn't going out of her way. She would just be herself if you know what I mean. I don't think I've seen my real wife since I got married. She changed a lot after we had our daughter. I can't blame the attitude part completely on her though. I wasn't contributing what I should have to the marriage to help fill her emotional needs.

 

While our initial situations were similar... grumpy wife, affair with coworker, massive dishonesty, crazy inlaws... ect. Your wife is much different from my xWife. We did divorce during the first year... We tried to reconcile the first 4 months, but she never fully admitted the affair and that killed it. She admitted to absolutely nothing... even when faced with hotel a receipt she claimed they were "just talking". It took a full year AFTER the divorce for her to come clean.

 

Your wife actually seems like she wants the marriage and cares about you. She is just going about it the wrong way.

[PrettyLilLiar]

This is likely not just to win you back, but also because she feels bad about her actions prior. The problem being that this new behavior no matter how much she thinks is permanent... is at it's core inauthentic. However, she is probably very scared that you will not love the "real" her, so buries anything she doesn't think will be positive.

 

In my situation I am the WS ... not a full blown affair, but I did cheat, and did get caught, and have been desperately trying to make up for it since. I don't mean to hijack this thread myself, but what you said Sawtooth gave me pause. I don't THINK that I am being inauthentic - I am genuinely filled with remorse, and I love my husband very very much and want more than anything for things to be ok between us, but now I don't know if I am coming across as fake and maybe that has got us stuck in a holding pattern - not moving backwards exactly, but not moving forward either. I sure hope not, but maybe you (or any of you!) can elaborate on what your WSes have done/are doing that may come across as inauthentic, or cause triggers, or anything that has helped you in the reconciliation process and could possibly help me?

[jm2013]

In my situation I am the WS ... not a full blown affair, but I did cheat, and did get caught, and have been desperately trying to make up for it since. I don't mean to hijack this thread myself, but what you said Sawtooth gave me pause. I don't THINK that I am being inauthentic - I am genuinely filled with remorse, and I love my husband very very much and want more than anything for things to be ok between us, but now I don't know if I am coming across as fake and maybe that has got us stuck in a holding pattern - not moving backwards exactly, but not moving forward either. I sure hope not, but maybe you (or any of you!) can elaborate on what your WSes have done/are doing that may come across as inauthentic, or cause triggers, or anything that has helped you in the reconciliation process and could possibly help me?

 

I am a year out and my wife is doing everything. So much around the house she's trying to consume 100% of the duties that I used to help with before her affair. She even starts my car, gets my vitamins and brews my coffee. I think this is a little over the top. She "says" she enjoys doing this stuff but I'm sure this is furthest from the truth. To me it does not feel real. While I appreciate what she's doing I think she needs to take a step back. This will not maintain for long and she will burn out soon. I have told her this countless times.

 

The key things that will help your reconciliation is #1 - truthfulness. Be an open book to your spouse so they can start building some sort of trust back up. Stop doing anything iffy for awhile like girls night out etc. Unlock all of your stuff to give your spouse an option to check up on you if they feel the need. As far as triggers, please don't do what my wife did. One night she thought it would be a great idea to play our wedding video. As a BS my wedding is completely irrelevant as are the rings. It all means nothing to me anymore.

 

I got mad when my wife wore her wedding ring and didn't understand it. The same ring was on her hand while she was sleeping with him. I have no clue in her head what it even symbolically meant to her anymore. I have not worn my ring since D-Day. I do not have plans to put that ring on my finger ever again. We are also liquidating her ring. You won't be able to prevent triggers. These are going to happen a lot. The only thing you can do is be compassionate and understanding. Be authentic when you see him in pain. Ask him if there's anything you can do to help him with the pain. Do something for him to try and make him smile. Try and create new memories.

 

I think one other thing that stuck out to me is when my wife would say things like "I am the best for you", "You won't find anybody better than me" blah blah blah. I'm surprised she said those things. Later on she apologized and said her best friend suggested it lol. Those aren't the most intelligent things to tell your spouse. She was probably in her own freakout mode when I found out. Another thing that may help is when you're creating your new memories why don't you make sure you get a lot of pictures. Then start replacing the new memories with the old ones that were hung on your walls. I trigger a lot looking at old pictures. It upsets me to no end looking at what we were doing then and knowing what she had done. I also told her to remove our wedding photos off of the wall. I hope some of this info helps. It all just takes time. You'll see him go through many stages. Good luck.

 

Oh and one more thing. I don't know why this bothered me so much but there was at some point where my wife said SHE had forgiven herself for what she did. I hadn't offered up my forgiveness to her and still don't know how to utter those words because I'm still shattered a year later. It came off extremely arrogant and inconsiderate in my opinion when she said this to me. I think my wife initially did everything completely WRONG when I initially found out. During this process I would even tell her this sounds stupid and you should have said something like X.

Edited November 12, 2014 by jm2013

[SawtoothMars]

In my situation I am the WS ... not a full blown affair, but I did cheat, and did get caught, and have been desperately trying to make up for it since. I don't mean to hijack this thread myself, but what you said Sawtooth gave me pause. I don't THINK that I am being inauthentic - I am genuinely filled with remorse, and I love my husband very very much and want more than anything for things to be ok between us, but now I don't know if I am coming across as fake and maybe that has got us stuck in a holding pattern - not moving backwards exactly, but not moving forward either. I sure hope not, but maybe you (or any of you!) can elaborate on what your WSes have done/are doing that may come across as inauthentic, or cause triggers, or anything that has helped you in the reconciliation process and could possibly help me?

 

With all honesty it is very different for everyone. Not all Wayward Spouses are built the same. The only thing I can really say is that you need to talk to your husband about it triggers. You will need to follow up with him every couple months to see how it's going.

 

With regards to coming across as fake... just be yourself. Try not to act like you did during the affair, but also don't act like a new person who just wants to trap her husband into staying. If you can remember how you acted and felt when you first started dating... that would be a great start.

 

Oh and one more thing. I don't know why this bothered me so much but there was at some point where my wife said SHE had forgiven herself for what she did. I hadn't offered up my forgiveness to her and still don't know how to utter those words because I'm still shattered a year later. It came off extremely arrogant and inconsiderate in my opinion when she said this to me. I think my wife initially did everything completely WRONG when I initially found out. During this process I would even tell her this sounds stupid and you should have said something like X.

 

Look... your wife really cares about you. Yes she is stupid and doesn't get it sometimes.... but her heart seems to be with you.

 

I suggest reading DazedNConfused's posts from back in 2005. That guy stayed for 3 years and tried to make it work. His wife "got it", but never really had a heart for him. In the end her selfishness ended the relationship.

 

In your case... I think you are failing to communicate your needs and express your feelings properly. If you do that and things still don't change... then I'd say you are not going to make it. That means you need to Forgive her! Even if you don't say it aloud.