Two months in.. don't know what's going on

[alice73]

I've been seeing a man for about 8 weeks. I really like him, the first person i've had feelings for since my last serious relationship ended three years ago. From the start the attraction and chemistry has been strong. He is considerate, kind, romantic, intelligent - a gentle soul. When we are together there is a lot of eye contact, he is tender, strokes my hair, tells me he has missed me, tells me im beautiful etc etc. We have great conversations too. He's a fairly quiet person, big into his routine, and in no way seems like a player. He has taken me on lovely dates, bought me a birthday present, offered to help me out lending me things. Asked me to a concert that's still weeks away. When we are together it feels very special, i can feel it in the way he holds me and kisses me! So it appears all good.

 

You know there's a 'but' coming..

so.. He only wants to see me once a week. And he only gets in touch between to organise the next date. The times i've asked him to do something at shorter notice hes sent a very brief ' no i cant sorry' text. He's not a fan of texts - he keeps it to the point. And he seems to be a stickler for his rather rigid routine (fitness, work, child custody which obvs cant be helped).

 

I'm driving myself mad obsessing over whether he really wants me, or if i am just a pass-the-time once a week woman. I don't know what to do.. im scared if i have the 'what are we' talk he'll run a mile. I'm scared to ask him. Or im thinking he may be seeing someone else. The biggest issue is almost my level of obsession over all this! I cannot get him out of my head. Help!

 

ps. he's 43 im 41

[Tayken]

(fitness, work, child custody which obvs cant be helped).

As a single father, I can relate to this and my time with someone will be when I don't have my child i.e. every other week.

 

So based on the fact that he works, keeps himself healthy and looks after his kid(s), you can expect a 3-4 days a week arrangement. I mean married couples at times don't even spend that much time together.

 

It's only been 8 weeks...you are expecting a lot too soon. Do you have kids yourself, and does your job keep you busy? If not find something else to keep you occupied e.g. interests / hobbies

[alice73]

Thank you Tayken. That's reassuring, especially coming from a man in a similar position. Yes I am busy myself - i work full time, im a single mother, and I have a good social life. I guess I feel that even being busy, if he was really into me he would make more time to see me.

But then, as you say 8 weeks isnt very long at all. Maybe I am expecting too much too soon (and a little insecure!). Should I just wait and see do you think? I am finding it so hard - dating in my 40s is no less fraught than it was when i was younger - i feel like an out of control teen and I dont like it

[mortensorchid]

I don't see what the problem is. As we age, there are more things you want to do with yourself other than go out and party into the wee hours. Plus he has kids and a lot of things can happen when you have kids, which is why he's left everything sticking to said schedule. Operating by a schedule is a good thing, especially when you have had nothing that resembles organization. I'm sure he likes you just fine (I read nothing that said otherwise), this is how he operates.

[Tayken]

Thank you Tayken. That's reassuring, especially coming from a man in a similar position. Yes I am busy myself - i work full time, im a single mother, and I have a good social life. I guess I feel that even being busy, if he was really into me he would make more time to see me.

But then, as you say 8 weeks isnt very long at all. Maybe I am expecting too much too soon (and a little insecure!). Should I just wait and see do you think? I am finding it so hard - dating in my 40s is no less fraught than it was when i was younger - i feel like an out of control teen and I dont like it

 

 

Bold 1: Wrong and you won't be the first to feel that way, hence the reason why some women play the head game because they haven't heard from a guy. If you have your kid(s) all the time, that could be an issue too for most guys including myself. It equates to no time to bond.

 

Bold 2: Yes you are...self centered.

 

Bold 3: Best course of action.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Thank you Tayken. That's reassuring, especially coming from a man in a similar position. Yes I am busy myself - i work full time, im a single mother, and I have a good social life. I guess I feel that even being busy, if he was really into me he would make more time to see me.

But then, as you say 8 weeks isnt very long at all. Maybe I am expecting too much too soon (and a little insecure!). Should I just wait and see do you think? I am finding it so hard - dating in my 40s is no less fraught than it was when i was younger - i feel like an out of control teen and I dont like it

 

I don't know... no matter how busy someone is, usually if they want to see you they will see you. Once per week after two months doesn't scream 'interested' to me. Most of the happy couples I know were seeing each other a few times a week by that stage because they knew they were onto a good thing and really wanted to be near that other person.

 

Also if he's only actually communicating in depth with you on each date, that means you're getting nothing in between. Without calls and texts in addition to the dates it's going to be very hard to get to know him on a deeper level.

 

I would ask him how he feels about you, if I were you. This limbo and feeling like an insecure teen is a horrible feeling. At least if you ask either a) he will put your mind at rest and you can see if he increases contact or b) you will hear he isn't too interested in taking it further and you can move on before too much more time getting attached.

 

Never be afraid to ask somebody where they think something is going, unless you've only been seeing each other a week or so. It doesn't mean 'let's get married' to the other person, it's just gauging their interest. A man might get scared and run but if he does that was going to happen whenever it came up, and they're not mature enough to be a good candidate for a relationship anyway.

[curlygirl40]

I'm in my 40's and it seems most of the men I have dated who have kids and other responsibilities always start out with a once a week date. So this isn't unusual.

 

However, a lot of the men I have met like it that way not because it's a good pace for them and they are busy, but more because they are somewhat emotionally unavailable and/or don't want a serious relationship so they keep that pace to stop them or you from getting too close/too soon.

 

Personally I am busy also and I'm raising kids and I don't mind that once a week date pace.

 

HOWEVER. There comes a time when you'd like to know if the relationship is progressing to the gf/bf area because if that's what you're looking for, you want to make sure you're on the same page and looking for the same things.

 

I would give this more time. BUT IMO not too much more time. 4 months tops. If at 4 months he's not your boyfriend, and he's not asking to see you more than once a week, then it's been my experience that it won't progress to anything more than a once a week fun time.

 

If that's what you're looking for, great. If it's not what you're looking for, then it's time to have the talk.

 

If after 4 months, he's not your boyfriend, he is most likely either not interested enough to make you his girlfriend, or that's not at all what he's looking for in general.

 

Either scenarios are not good for you if that's what you're looking for.

 

So give it more time. It's tough! I hate that beginning stage where you really don't know where you stand but you know it's really too soon to ask.

 

Pay attention to his actions. Is he initiating dates? Is he initiating contact? Is he keeping in touch with you? Does he have his profile online still?

 

Pay attention to those things and give it some more time.

 

Good luck!

[CryMeARiver]

Sounds to me he knows he is in control of the relationship. I think right here he is sorting things out in his head...he could be the classically emotionally unavailable men. My advice if you chose to proceed would be allow him to set the pace, mirror him in what he does. If he texts, text back. If he calls, call back. And in text, don't send 10 to his one for sure. Men, I hear, get vunerable when they feel they might be pushed into a commitment. While they are still there and willing to put in the time, sometimes they begin to pull away if we push harder and do the chasing. I know it's hard, but lean back a bit and see if he pulls in. Use time to get things in order at your home, work, etc...to try and redirect your energy. If HE has all of it, then you are without! Get it back and try to remember the confident person he first met who could take it or leave it.