NJ123 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Yes, an "individual's view" seems more appropriate/fitting. Thus, the individual shares the responsibility for his/her own views and subsequent feelings. Yeah, probably the best way to put it. But at the same time, I still truly think that a much bigger percentage of men have a problem with a woman's sexual past, than a woman does towards a man's.
Author Eris918 Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 The majority of the replies confirm that nobody ever reads the OP. I got tested, I'm clean. Please read all of the posts before assuming that I'm a judgemental *********. Because without reading them you are essentially doing to me what you are accusing me of doing. I was more looking for support in getting past this than being told I am a jerk. I love this girl, I'm just getting over her past. I'm no pot to the kettle
Maleficent Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 The majority of the replies confirm that nobody ever reads the OP. I got tested, I'm clean. Please read all of the posts before assuming that I'm a judgemental *********. Because without reading them you are essentially doing to me what you are accusing me of doing. I was more looking for support in getting past this than being told I am a jerk. I love this girl, I'm just getting over her past. I'm no pot to the kettle In your first post, you mentioned getting tested after she asked you if you ever got tested. She was well within her rights to ask you if you got tested before - especially if she had an infection-type thing going on. At this point, you did not know for sure you were clean. Also, if you don't want to come off as a judgmental *********, you might want to tone down on things like 'Where the ?$@%? does she get off accusing me of having an STD when she's had 3X more partners than me'. Just sayin' 1
preraph Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Yes @pereph, I totally agree. I have more than one friend who have given me ***** about never getting laid. Maybe I just take sex too seriously, I have a habit of putting it on a pedestel There is too much peer pressure to get laid when you're young. It's why a lot of people do it before they're ready and have babies before they're ready.
preraph Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I guess I had it so beat into my head when I was a kid that the more sex somebody has the cheaper it becomes. Maybe I was brainwashed, she did get really upset with her past and even started crying. I know that its a good thing, so fine she fooled around and made mistakes, she feels guilty (not me making her feel that way, she said she felt that way before we met) and has moved forward. I grew up in a very conservative religious community who believed it was a sin to have sex before marriage, etc. It does have an effect on you. And then lots of times parents can be shaming about it whether they intend to or not and that takes a toll. Sometimes people have to go out and "try it" a few times to get confident that they are doing it right and/or are attractive. I was that way.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 (edited) Your total overreaction to her past, plus the fact that you apparently have not had the STD conversation with prior partners, makes it seem like you're the one who should be apologizing. She sounds like a responsible adult who knows the importance of regular STD testing. You made her feel ashamed and dirty, which must be tremendously upsetting. Here's the thing about pasts, sexual or otherwise: everyone has one. My current boyfriend hasn't had many partners, but he was previously engaged and after that had a nearly four-year relationship. If I wanted to, I could think about all the times he had sex with those women, the moments he spent being in love with them, the conversations they had planning their futures and so on---and I could go completely insane with jealousy and insecurity. Or I could replace it with better thoughts: these women helped make him who he is today, he had stable and loving relationships, and what matters is that he's chosen to be with me today. Think about it. If you genuinely can't get over your hang-ups, then you need to end the relationship. But if this girl is great and makes you happy, you'd be a fool to leave her in hopes of finding someone whose past doesn't bother you. It will also get exponentially more difficult to find that someone as you get older. 10 guys is probably around average for a 25-year-old these days. Moreover, in an age where STD protection and birth control is readily available, it's not a big deal. Having multiple partners doesn't make you "used"; you cannot tell someone's sexual history based on how their genitals feel (that is affected by age and childbirth, not sexual intercourse). And as others have said, it only takes one sexual encounter to get herpes/HIV/chlamydia/etc, and the most STDs are asymptomatic. I think if you truly care about her you should apologize, explain your discomfort, and then offer to get tested together. You need to be tested for your own health anyway so why not do it as a couple? It's not exactly romantic, but afterwards you'll both feel better and will have bonded over doing something weird and awkward, and she'll feel better about having opened up to you. You should also buy her flowers because UTIs suck. Edited November 10, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ 1
Jules Dash Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I was more looking for support in getting past this than being told I am a jerk. I love this girl, I'm just getting over her past. I'm no pot to the kettle And mqny here are more than happy to give someone that support but as someone mentioned above, your original post comes off as very judgemental of your GF for having a sexual past that is very reasonable. What if you had a GF that had sex with only 2 guys before you then turned around and screwed your best friend behind your back? Now what if you had a GF that had 25 guys before you and when your best friend came on to her she ran crying to you disappointed that he would betray you in such a way? You see, it's just sex.
Jules Dash Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Everyone is judgemental. The people calling the OP judgemental are judging him when they do so. Circular argument. Agree with every thing else though
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 You wouldn't ever know it...it would serve that man zero purpose in letting you know that, even if he still sleeps with you which is at times the point in not expressing his true feelings or impressions of you....because regardless of men not approving of your behavior, it doesn't mean they won't sleep with you...they just won't stick around. His true opinions and thoughts are shared with other men. And I'd go as far as saying it's far more revealing in how a man talks about a woman he is with to other men than anything he does or says with her directly. Um, I think I would know. And I'm not talking about casual partners not having a problem, I guess it was never really discussed anyway with some of them, some it was, and if they're an equal and willing partner then clearly they're okay with casual sex too so they'd be a hypocrite to judge. If they had the mentality of sleeping with me then 'not sticking around' because of my past I would consider it a lucky escape! I do know that none of my relationships have had a problem with it. Sometimes my number was higher, sometimes theirs. And usually it was me that wouldn't 'stick around'... not because of a guy's history but just because I didn't feel the compatibility. So I don't buy this notion of a guy banging me and then disappearing off because to be honest, that's never happened to me... it's generally been that the guys have wanted something more and I haven't. 2
isisisweeping Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 yes; you are overreacting also you having been with anyone ever and not having been std tested is easy more disturbing than her partner count. I've only slept with a few people in my life but I got an std test immediately after being intimate, 3 months later, and after breaking up. STDs don't only happen to people who sleep around (nor do they always happen to people who sleep around) 1
greenemerald Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Hi Loveshack, Then I asked her about her past, and I asked that she be honest she said that she had been with 10 guys before me, she is 25, I feel that this is quite a lot for somebody this age. I am 27 and only had 3 previously (which is sort of where I thought she was). 10 is a lot? In what world? In yours? Only because you only had 3 girls before doesn't mean that her number is high. Stop comparing yourself to others. 10 isn't much, especially not if she didn't have many relationships before. If it bothers you so much, break up with her, for your both's sake. If you wanna stay with her, get over it and stop dramatizing things that are in the past.
smackie9 Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Even my husband doesn't know most of the crap I did when I was first dating. I gave him an idea and that was that, he didn't care to know more. I know more about his crap, but he volunteered that info, I never cared to ask for the details. We discussed more about the bs that happened in our past relationships....I find that more important than when, how, who and how many times they had sex. Sex is irrelevant IMO. 1
Author Eris918 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 I know I use cheesy words like "full bore" both of my first two I dated for over 3 years each. I'm not some church boy who doesn't know where to put what. Lol I have to apologize to everyone, especially women posters. People have their pasts, I was just a little shocked I guess. I still care for this girl very much and have decided to move forward with her. I never got in her face, we had a nice chat about things and I am glad she was honest with me. I was raised a certain way with certain values, and I'm also a guy. I slipped up too. I have been feeling almost bi-polar about this (NO I AM NOT BI POLAR) half of me doesn't care at all, past is past the other half feels very weird about the whole thing. Is there really a difference between 3, 5 or 10? I don't know to be honest. Is there a difference between dating a girl for a few years and having sex 3,000 times with her, than a girl who had a few bfs and maybe made a couple poor drunken decisions in hs/college? I have to say though that I would rather know than not know. Especially if we get married, honesty and communication are everything. I also think that early in a relationship (few months after you start having sex) is prob the time to have this chat. First few dates guys going to know she's an easy lay, a year or so in id be really uncomfortable. The only reason I even brought up the settle guy thing was that she is maybe a bit out of my league looks wise. Maybe as girls get older a six pack isn't everything? Lol
Author Eris918 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 Full disclosure: with first post I was still pretty shocked and maybe had about 6 beers before posting.
Author Eris918 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 (edited) Also, there is also the question of what constitutes sex? For me I regard anything but the kind that makes kids as foreplay (I'm only talking about Hetrosexual couples, obviously a different set of rules applies to homosexual couples). Also before you let me have it for clarifying that, let me just mention some of my best friends are gay and I have no problem with it at all. Shocker for the bible thumping church boy some assumed I was (haha) If you count the other things I would be 8-9. Which makes me a bit of a hippocrite I guess Edited November 10, 2014 by Eris918
smackie9 Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I know I use cheesy words like "full bore" both of my first two I dated for over 3 years each. I'm not some church boy who doesn't know where to put what. Lol I have to apologize to everyone, especially women posters. People have their pasts, I was just a little shocked I guess. I still care for this girl very much and have decided to move forward with her. I never got in her face, we had a nice chat about things and I am glad she was honest with me. I was raised a certain way with certain values, and I'm also a guy. I slipped up too. I have been feeling almost bi-polar about this (NO I AM NOT BI POLAR) half of me doesn't care at all, past is past the other half feels very weird about the whole thing. Is there really a difference between 3, 5 or 10? I don't know to be honest. Is there a difference between dating a girl for a few years and having sex 3,000 times with her, than a girl who had a few bfs and maybe made a couple poor drunken decisions in hs/college? I have to say though that I would rather know than not know. Especially if we get married, honesty and communication are everything. I also think that early in a relationship (few months after you start having sex) is prob the time to have this chat. First few dates guys going to know she's an easy lay, a year or so in id be really uncomfortable. The only reason I even brought up the settle guy thing was that she is maybe a bit out of my league looks wise. Maybe as girls get older a six pack isn't everything? Lol You know what, when we fall more deeply for someone, the thought of them being with someone else will give us a twinge of jealousy or a touch of heartbreak, but that is perfectly normal. It will pass.
Woggle Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I truly don't care about a woman's numbers but is a guy's right to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. If he decides to break up with a woman over it is his life. Plenty of people have dealbreakers which may seem stupid to others so why is a guy so wrong for having this one? 2
Maleficent Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I know I use cheesy words like "full bore" both of my first two I dated for over 3 years each. I'm not some church boy who doesn't know where to put what. Lol I have to apologize to everyone, especially women posters. People have their pasts, I was just a little shocked I guess. I still care for this girl very much and have decided to move forward with her. I never got in her face, we had a nice chat about things and I am glad she was honest with me. I was raised a certain way with certain values, and I'm also a guy. I slipped up too. I have been feeling almost bi-polar about this (NO I AM NOT BI POLAR) half of me doesn't care at all, past is past the other half feels very weird about the whole thing. Is there really a difference between 3, 5 or 10? I don't know to be honest. Is there a difference between dating a girl for a few years and having sex 3,000 times with her, than a girl who had a few bfs and maybe made a couple poor drunken decisions in hs/college? I have to say though that I would rather know than not know. Especially if we get married, honesty and communication are everything. I also think that early in a relationship (few months after you start having sex) is prob the time to have this chat. First few dates guys going to know she's an easy lay, a year or so in id be really uncomfortable. The only reason I even brought up the settle guy thing was that she is maybe a bit out of my league looks wise. Maybe as girls get older a six pack isn't everything? Lol I am glad you figured things out. good luck with your relationship! As a woman poster - I accept your apology and really appreciate it. 1
Author Eris918 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 You know what, when we fall more deeply for someone, the thought of them being with someone else will give us a twinge of jealousy or a touch of heartbreak, but that is perfectly normal. It will pass. Yea, that's what I'm thinking. I really love this girl, my family likes her hers likes mine. Maybe it's just the initial phases and it will pass I hope. I like her a lot and breaking up with her would be really hard on me. Especially for something (at least now) which is totally out of her control. All that I ask is (if we did get hitched) that I was her last. This sort of feels similar to my last serious gf, when we broke up I was devastated. The thought of her with anyone else made me want to vomit. These days though, I honestly couldn't care less. Also part of this is me accepting the fact that as we get older people numbers will climb. 15-25 would be nothing for somebody in their mid 30s idk
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