NJ123 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 And just a tip for the future, OP, don't ask women about their sexual past other than "have you been tested for STDs recently?". You don't want to know how many men she has been with and frankly, it's none of your business anyways. If you hadn't pressed for details you wouldn't even be in this situation. I also think you should break up with her. This isn't healthy for you or her and I doubt you are just going to magically get over it. Well, if a woman asks you about yours, don't you think you have a right to know about theirs? Maybe that didn't exactly happen in this case, but I believe that sexual past can dictate how a relationship with that person could go. Would you want to be with someone who admitted to having multiple threesomes with 2 other guys? Or if they happened to cheat on a few former partners? Or someone that talks bad about all her former partners? Those would be red flags to me.
Maleficent Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Well, if a woman asks you about yours, don't you think you have a right to know about theirs? Maybe that didn't exactly happen in this case, but I believe that sexual past can dictate how a relationship with that person could go. Would you want to be with someone who admitted to having multiple threesomes with 2 other guys? Or if they happened to cheat on a few former partners? Or someone that talks bad about all her former partners? Those would be red flags to me. Everyone has their own redflags. Personally, a man who says he has an issue with the number of partners before him - no matter the number - is a huge redflag for me. This tells me this kind of man will respect me less after I slept with him. Suddenly I am very thankful for the man I started seeing. He sincerely does not care how many people I slept and it has a huge (and great!) impact on our make out sessions. But I'm curious. Why mention a threesome with 2 men? Should I assume that a threesome that involves one man and two women is ok? 1
Divasu Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Thanks again, maybe I am over reacting. I really don’t want to break up with her over this, but I just can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want it to make our relationship toxic by harping on this over and over. No one can make you feel better about this. How you feel, is how you feel. I will suggest however, that those types of feelings are founded on obsessive thoughts, among other things. We all have our "limits". For you, taking active steps to confront, and overcome yours, is essential.
NJ123 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Everyone has their own redflags. Personally, a man who says he has an issue with the number of partners before him - no matter the number - is a huge redflag for me. This tells me this kind of man will respect me less after I slept with him. Suddenly I am very thankful for the man I started seeing. He sincerely does not care how many people I slept and it has a huge (and great!) impact on our make out sessions. But I'm curious. Why mention a threesome with 2 men? Should I assume that a threesome that involves one man and two women is ok? Well, maybe it's because your not a guy, but if a guy finds out the woman he's seeing had a few threesomes with 2 others guys in the past, that would bother him A LOT more than if it was with another man & woman. And a lot of people think if someone has threesomes, that they don't respect themselves enough. It's the thought process behind it, where the guy is thinking the girl your with was banged by 2 guys at the same time. A lot of guys do not like being in relationships with women who have had threesomes in the past in general though.
Tayken Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 It's the thought process behind it, where the guy is thinking the girl your with was banged by 2 guys at the same time. I don't know anyone man that will be more than happy knowingly, like to come in behind all that to do the clean up.............ewwwwwwww. It's bad enough dating a woman that was married for a long time.
NJ123 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I don't know anyone man that will be more than happy knowingly, like to come in behind all that to do the clean up.............ewwwwwwww. It's bad enough dating a woman that was married for a long time. Yeah, this is what I mean. No guy wants to be with a woman like that. It's considered extremely slutty behavior to get banged by 2 guys at once.
Tayken Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 To use a business term...depreciation in value i.e. like a used car.
Maleficent Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Well, maybe it's because your not a guy, but if a guy finds out the woman he's seeing had a few threesomes with 2 others guys in the past, that would bother him A LOT more than if it was with another man & woman. And a lot of people think if someone has threesomes, that they don't respect themselves enough. It's the thought process behind it, where the guy is thinking the girl your with was banged by 2 guys at the same time. A lot of guys do not like being in relationships with women who have had threesomes in the past in general though. This has nothing to do with me. I stay away from men who judge my past sexual history so I don't have this kind of problem. But if the fact someone has threesomes means they don't respect themselves enough, isn't kind of hypocritical to say a threesome that involves two women and a one man is not so bad while a threesome that involves one woman and two men is bad? 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Another question I have, is 10 a lot for a 25 year old? I know some girls that are psycho about saving themselves and some that are north of 250 who treat sex like a handshake. What's the norm? I had assumed that she was between 3-6. I don't know why a couple one nighters would be that big of a deal to me. I had a friend who is in her 30's who had an 8 year BF then broke up with him at 32 and said at that age you basically go on 3 dates with somebody and then go all the way so people's numbers tend to skyrocket. I know there is no one size fits all here, just looking for the norm. I think that this thing has more to do with the fact that I was totally blindsided with this info and it was more than I had expected. I don't think its enough to break up with her on principle, if it was 50+ then maybe I guess. I read a lot on line and from what I gather its good to hash it out with her then kind of drop it unless it needs to come up i.e. for medical reasons or something. It's on the low side. My friends and I are averaging around 15-20 guys so far and we're your girlfriend's age. It's just sex. It has no indicator on how faithful someone will be. It just shows that the person is comfortable with their sexuality, doesn't treat sex as a massive 'big deal' and... that's about it. 3
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 But why is she so guilty about it for? It seems to me all the guys from her past were trashy "bad boy" type of guys that basically pumped & dumped her for her to be feeling this way. Now she's all of a sudden with a good guy that's successful & with a good job. And he's even feeling like he's some sort of settle guy for her. That's a bad position to be in for a man. If he's feeling like the settle guy, than the relationship won't work out. She probably ISN'T guilty. She was probably fine with it before you came along. And now, in order to please and keep you, she's having to pretend that she feels so bad about her past, knowing that if she said 'yeah I loved every minute, so what?' you'd call her a whore and dump her. 3
Maleficent Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 She probably ISN'T guilty. She was probably fine with it before you came along. And now, in order to please and keep you, she's having to pretend that she feels so bad about her past, knowing that if she said 'yeah I loved every minute, so what?' you'd call her a whore and dump her. If only more men know the effect this kind of thing has on a woman's sexual desires... 2
NJ123 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 This has nothing to do with me. I stay away from men who judge my past sexual history so I don't have this kind of problem. But if the fact someone has threesomes means they don't respect themselves enough, isn't kind of hypocritical to say a threesome that involves two women and a one man is not so bad while a threesome that involves one woman and two men is bad? Because to a guy, that's considered completely slutty if they have sex with 2 guys at once. It's just the way it is. And maybe it is hypocritical but I'm not exactly sure how women would react to that if they found out about it. But I'd like to think it's possibly just one of those double standard situations. Men in general perhaps are just be more bothered by it, than a woman would be.
NJ123 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 She probably ISN'T guilty. She was probably fine with it before you came along. And now, in order to please and keep you, she's having to pretend that she feels so bad about her past, knowing that if she said 'yeah I loved every minute, so what?' you'd call her a whore and dump her. lol sorry, but your mistaken. I'm not the OP of this thread.
NJ123 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 It's on the low side. My friends and I are averaging around 15-20 guys so far and we're your girlfriend's age. It's just sex. It has no indicator on how faithful someone will be. It just shows that the person is comfortable with their sexuality, doesn't treat sex as a massive 'big deal' and... that's about it. Your a woman, so you don't understand how guys think about these things though. Trust me on this, a huge percentage of men would have a big problem if they found out the woman their seeing slept with 20 guys before them. I'm sorry to say, but it's true. Guys & women have completely different mindsets on these type of things.
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Your a woman, so you don't understand how guys think about these things though. Trust me on this, a huge percentage of men would have a big problem if they found out the woman their seeing slept with 20 guys before them. I'm sorry to say, but it's true. Guys & women have completely different mindsets on these type of things. And there are some men that don't care because they see the woman before them as who they actually are....the woman they are in love with unconditionally ie my husband. 2
Maleficent Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 And there are some men that don't care because they see the woman before them as who they actually are....the woman they are in love with unconditionally ie my husband. And every single guy I've dated in the past 10 years lol 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 lol sorry, but your mistaken. I'm not the OP of this thread. Ah my mistake... advice still stands for the OP though, if he happens to wonder why his girlfriend slept with ten men but then felt so guilty about it! Your a woman, so you don't understand how guys think about these things though. Trust me on this, a huge percentage of men would have a big problem if they found out the woman their seeing slept with 20 guys before them. I'm sorry to say, but it's true. Guys & women have completely different mindsets on these type of things. Men aren't one huge mass with one set of thoughts, feelings and ideas... they are individuals. And I've never had a partner who has had a problem with the number of men I've slept with before them. If I found out that he did, it would be an instant 'next' for me because I don't think I could respect somebody that would judge me for my sexual history, given that all partners were consenting adults, protection was used, and no STIs were contracted. Sure, some men would have a problem with it but as those aren't the men I want to spend time with or build a relationship with it's no problem for me. It goes both ways: of my two long term relationships, one partner had had one sexual partner before me... the other, close to a hundred. It didn't change the way I felt about them whatsoever. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 You can't deal with it...you either accept it or not, you're basically ok with it and move on or it's a problem and you can't. Don't go down the road of right or wrong, and her number realistically speaking is practically a virgin for many 25 year old women, or just as an average to low number...in society today at least. I'd recommend that you just dump her and get a woman with a more conservative past with more aligned values and feelings about sex, there's plenty of other women on the planet. And you're still young enough to find someone who doesn't have the "standard" sexual past history that many women will have, which is up to them of course...but it's up to you whether you're ok with it yourself, you have a choice, and you do have reasonable options still. If you date this girl and then throw away another 3 or 4 years but fighting over this and not getting over it (which I doubt you will), it's going to be even more difficult to find that conservative woman, and if you do she might not be all that "ideal" for you otherwise...so I'd definitely recommend continuing to pursue what you want out of a romantic partner. In your 30's however you might feel differently about this, and it doesn't mean a more conservative woman will ensure a greater future and a more promiscuous woman will not...it's really just how you feel about it and if it's important to you and the woman of your dreams hasn't been with 10 guys by age 25 and takes intimacy very seriously, then find her and be happy with a woman you will respect. You don't have to respect other women for their choice in lifestyle, you just have to respect the one you're with in your relationship.
ThaWholigan Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 OP thinks how he thinks. A lot of guys are like that. I don't necessarily feel it's right - I'm not bothered about any potential GF's past, regardless of what anyone says to me! I'll take care of myself if it doesn't work out. But this kind of visceral reaction to an SO's past is relatively normal. They do not want to even think about their woman with someone else. Those kinds of guys are better off dating a woman who's just as cagey about an SO's past as they are. Someone with a complementary view on sex is likely to yield less gross-out moments later on. 2
NJ123 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 And there are some men that don't care because they see the woman before them as who they actually are....the woman they are in love with unconditionally ie my husband. I definitely agree, but there's unfortunately a double standard on the issue. And also some happen to have different views on sex as well. Like for me personally, I'd rather have sex with someone I care about & who cares about me instead of having multiple random one night stands.
Divasu Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Good post TW. I'll go as far to say, I've had similar thoughts/feelings as the OP. Whereas, there are certain sexual behaviors by men that I am not comfortable with. It's a personal decision for ME, whether or not I can overcome it. At the same time, I am sure there are some men who would not be comfortable with things I've done in the past sexually.
NJ123 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Good post TW. I'll go as far to say, I've had similar thoughts/feelings as the OP. Whereas, there are certain sexual behaviors by men that I am not comfortable with. It's a personal decision for ME, whether or not I can overcome it. At the same time, I am sure there are some men who would not be comfortable with things I've done in the past sexually. See, exactly. Even you admit as a woman, that there's some things you wouldn't be comfortable with a guy doing in the past. So how could you blame a guy for the same thing? So maybe perhaps double standard wasn't the right term to use, but more so it has to do with the individual's view on sex.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Thanks again, maybe I am over reacting. I really don’t want to break up with her over this, but I just can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want it to make our relationship toxic by harping on this over and over. If you really don't want to break over it, then you're just going to have to accept the facts and live with them. You can find many discussions of the subject on this forum if you search on "retroactive jealousy", "sexual past", "sexual history", etc. It's a very common problem. You will make things worse if you keep harping on it to her. It's done, and she can't change it now. Rehashing it over and over will only agitate the situation. As for what's typical, by age 25, I'd had 3 sexual partners, all long-time boyfriends, and yes, that number was very low compared to the average in my age group. Most of my friends at that time had had sex with at least 10 guys, if not a couple dozen more. But averages don't matter much. What matters is what you're comfortable with. I also prefer men who have a relatively low number, as it points toward selectivity and a more serious attitude toward sex in general, which is the wavelength I'm on as well.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 And I've never had a partner who has had a problem with the number of men I've slept with before them. If I found out that he did, it would be an instant 'next' for me because I don't think I could respect somebody that would judge me for my sexual history You wouldn't ever know it...it would serve that man zero purpose in letting you know that, even if he still sleeps with you which is at times the point in not expressing his true feelings or impressions of you....because regardless of men not approving of your behavior, it doesn't mean they won't sleep with you...they just won't stick around. His true opinions and thoughts are shared with other men. And I'd go as far as saying it's far more revealing in how a man talks about a woman he is with to other men than anything he does or says with her directly.
Divasu Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 See, exactly. Even you admit as a woman, that there's some things you wouldn't be comfortable with a guy doing in the past. So how could you blame a guy for the same thing? So maybe perhaps double standard wasn't the right term to use, but more so it has to do with the individual's view on sex. Yes, an "individual's view" seems more appropriate/fitting. Thus, the individual shares the responsibility for his/her own views and subsequent feelings.
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