Dealing with somebody's past.

November 9, 2014

Hi Loveshack,

I apologize that this post is something of a novel but I am in a tough spot and I really need some advice/help. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

I started dating somebody a few months ago, things have been going brilliantly. So much so, that we have discussed a future together. Maybe a bit of a rush, but this really feels right. We did everything right, really got to know each other before ever getting physical. As far as I knew at the time, I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. From the first time we ever got physical I was very upfront with her, I told about my past. Just an overview, no heavy details. She seemed totally cool with it and all she said was that everyone has a past and it was no big deal. Great.

Fast forward to a few days ago, she had gotten a couple of ut infections from fooling around. So far, we have been following all the rules and been belt and suspenders safe with everything, honestly, I thought she was allergic to latex or something. Then she asks me if I had ever been STD tested. I said no because I had always been careful and not gotten around that much. I was actually pretty offended especially after I had been so upfront with her. (Full disclosure: I have since gotten tested and was clean, shocker…)

Then I asked her about her past, and I asked that she be honest she said that she had been with 10 guys before me, she is 25, I feel that this is quite a lot for somebody this age. I am 27 and only had 3 previously (which is sort of where I thought she was). I wanted to say it so bad but I bit my tongue “Where the f$%# do you get off asking me if I have STDs when you have gone all the way with over 3x as many people as me?”

This is the part where I really need help, I honestly feel gross now. I watch a football game and think that she has had sex with the equivalent of half the guys on the field (minus one), you could fill a room with the guys she had sex with, etc. I have a good job, I am successful but from knowing one or two of the guys she’s had they are much better looking than me. I feel like she has had her fun, and now she is just settling with me. I had thought I found the greatest girl in the world who was loyal, trustworthy, etc. Now I find this out and it shakes what I feel about her to the very core. What’s to stop her from running off with the pool boy?

I really don’t want to be judgmental or anything and I still care a lot about her. She said that she feels awful about her past and she was a stupid careless kid, etc. I am fully aware that the past is the past, but I just can’t shake the feeling of the fact that she said “take me” to 10 people. I just don’t know what to do, I was fully aware she wasn’t a virgin from the get-go, just not quite to this extent I guess. I feel like I have a past and she has a roster.

What should I do? I have already discussed it with her and she has assured me that I am her man and the past was a huge mistake, etc. I totally know that as we get older the number of people girls have been with will increase. I am just a little shell shocked, that’s why I am coming here, discreet private advice. If I talk to her anymore about this with her she starts crying, apologizing and feeling terrible.

Thanks again, maybe I am over reacting. I really don’t want to break up with

her over this, but I just can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want it to make our relationship toxic by harping on this over and over.

November 9, 2014

Break up with her.

Everyone has a past and by judging your past with her's, you are already demeaning her. You are bringing the toxicity to the situation and you have already stated that you can't stop thinking about it and "feel gross."

There is nothing she can do to make it better for you and she shouldn't have to. Part of why you fell for her is because of who she is and that person you know is made up by the experiences she has had: Good and Bad.

Since you can't deal with it, let her go to find someone who won't be as judgmental.

November 9, 2014

I agree with Carrie. Just let her go and be with someone who is not so judgemental. She should be with someone who does not sit on the board of deciding how many sex partners are enough for a 25 year old woman.

November 9, 2014

10? That doesn't seem like a lot. But if it bothers you that much, you need to end things because it doesn't just go away.

November 9, 2014

Like I said, I didn't want to be judgmental. Maybe that didn't come out correctly. I come from a very conservative family and it was the way I was raised, I am no saint myself. Two of my 3 were longer term relationships and we definitely went full bore more than once.

To be completely honest, I feel that this is something I could probably get over. One of the reasons we waited so long was that she said she had made mistakes in the past and wanted to make sure we were the real deal first. She said she had made a pact with a friend of hers to make sure that the next guy she had sex with was going to be her husband on her wedding night. So I guess we slipped up, but things were going so well it happened a little early.

Its just a lot to be told all at once, especially when you get caught totally off guard. I'm willing to work with this, like I said past is past. Nobody can change anything, and she is the same girl I fell in love with. She didn't cheat on me or anything, that would be a whole other can of worms

November 9, 2014

Another question I have, is 10 a lot for a 25 year old? I know some girls that are psycho about saving themselves and some that are north of 250 who treat sex like a handshake. What's the norm? I had assumed that she was between 3-6. I don't know why a couple one nighters would be that big of a deal to me. I had a friend who is in her 30's who had an 8 year BF then broke up with him at 32 and said at that age you basically go on 3 dates with somebody and then go all the way so people's numbers tend to skyrocket. I know there is no one size fits all here, just looking for the norm.

I think that this thing has more to do with the fact that I was totally blindsided with this info and it was more than I had expected. I don't think its enough to break up with her on principle, if it was 50+ then maybe I guess. I read a lot on line and from what I gather its good to hash it out with her then kind of drop it unless it needs to come up i.e. for medical reasons or something.

Edited November 9, 2014 by Eris918

November 9, 2014

Funny how everyone thinks their number is the normal number and judges anyone over that as "too many." You're 27 and you've only slept with 3 women? See, to me, I am judging you and deciding you're not very adventurous or else you weren't very popular. But I'm not going to kick you out of my life for it.

When you're young, you usually date around a lot and these days, that means sex. The number has nothing to do with whether they will be faithful.

November 9, 2014

This is why I say do not discuss sexual history. Are you clean, yes or no. Get tested if need be but otherwise I do not want to know how many a woman has been with or what kind of sex she had with those prior partners. She also does not need to know that I've had zero partners. I'm clean and a willing participant and that's all she needs to know.

November 9, 2014

Yes @pereph, I totally agree. I have more than one friend who have given me ***** about never getting laid. Maybe I just take sex too seriously, I have a habit of putting it on a pedestel

November 9, 2014

I guess I had it so beat into my head when I was a kid that the more sex somebody has the cheaper it becomes. Maybe I was brainwashed, she did get really upset with her past and even started crying.

I know that its a good thing, so fine she fooled around and made mistakes, she feels guilty (not me making her feel that way, she said she felt that way before we met) and has moved forward.

November 9, 2014

" I have already discussed it with her and she has assured me that I am her man and the past was a huge mistake, etc. "

"If I talk to her anymore about this with her she starts crying, apologizing and feeling terrible. "

OP, she REGRETS sleeping with so many people in the past and feels terrible about it. It sounds like she has just been young and naive.

November 9, 2014

It's no mistake to have sex if you are a consensual adult unless the other person is married or something like that. That is what I would tell her if I was her friend. You dud nothing wrong by having sex with 10 guys. The only guys who seem to have a problem with this are the guys who habe a lower number than the girl.

As someone has already stated, do not share how many partners you have been with, especially women. As you can see, ladies, guys just can't handle it. Don't discuss it. Don't volunteer it and refuse to give it when guys ask. I am helping so many mental states of so many men here.

November 9, 2014

@Jules Dash To be completely honest she is no different now than she was when I met her. You are probably right, I just don't need to know and shouldn't have asked (or told her myself). Sometimes ignorance is bliss I guess

November 9, 2014

Sometimes ignorance is bliss I guess

But how are you going to feel the next time you have sex?

Is it still going to be "gross" to you or do you think you can see beyond it?

November 9, 2014

huh I had more than that when I was her age and that was 25 years ago. No 10 is not that many but depends on when she started, like if it was last year ya I would be worried about her self esteem, etc.

Her asking you if you had an STD what NOT out of line. You can easily have one from just being with one person, so stop being so ignorant. It's your perception that is the issue here. If you can't see past it, then stop punishing her for it and making her feel guilty...you are a rat bastard for doing that...totally uncalled for.

I feel it would be in both your best interest to break it off.

November 9, 2014

Hi Loveshack,

I apologize that this post is something of a novel but I am in a tough spot and I really need some advice/help. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
I started dating somebody a few months ago, things have been going brilliantly. So much so, that we have discussed a future together. Maybe a bit of a rush, but this really feels right. We did everything right, really got to know each other before ever getting physical. As far as I knew at the time, I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. From the first time we ever got physical I was very upfront with her, I told about my past. Just an overview, no heavy details. She seemed totally cool with it and all she said was that everyone has a past and it was no big deal. Great.

Fast forward to a few days ago, she had gotten a couple of ut infections from fooling around. So far, we have been following all the rules and been belt and suspenders safe with everything, honestly, I thought she was allergic to latex or something. Then she asks me if I had ever been STD tested. I said no because I had always been careful and not gotten around that much. I was actually pretty offended especially after I had been so upfront with her. (Full disclosure: I have since gotten tested and was clean, shocker…)
Then I asked her about her past, and I asked that she be honest she said that she had been with 10 guys before me, she is 25, I feel that this is quite a lot for somebody this age. I am 27 and only had 3 previously (which is sort of where I thought she was). I wanted to say it so bad but I bit my tongue “Where the f$%# do you get off asking me if I have STDs when you have gone all the way with over 3x as many people as me?”

This is the part where I really need help, I honestly feel gross now. I watch a football game and think that she has had sex with the equivalent of half the guys on the field (minus one), you could fill a room with the guys she had sex with, etc. I have a good job, I am successful but from knowing one or two of the guys she’s had they are much better looking than me. I feel like she has had her fun, and now she is just settling with me. I had thought I found the greatest girl in the world who was loyal, trustworthy, etc. Now I find this out and it shakes what I feel about her to the very core. What’s to stop her from running off with the pool boy?

I really don’t want to be judgmental or anything and I still care a lot about her. She said that she feels awful about her past and she was a stupid careless kid, etc. I am fully aware that the past is the past, but I just can’t shake the feeling of the fact that she said “take me” to 10 people. I just don’t know what to do, I was fully aware she wasn’t a virgin from the get-go, just not quite to this extent I guess. I feel like I have a past and she has a roster.

What should I do? I have already discussed it with her and she has assured me that I am her man and the past was a huge mistake, etc. I totally know that as we get older the number of people girls have been with will increase. I am just a little shell shocked, that’s why I am coming here, discreet private advice. If I talk to her anymore about this with her she starts crying, apologizing and feeling terrible.

Thanks again, maybe I am over reacting. I really don’t want to break up with
her over this, but I just can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want it to make our relationship toxic by harping on this over and over.

Dump her. Like I've said before, no man wants to be the settle guy, & it seems from what you said that's exactly what she's doing with you.

November 9, 2014

If you can't see past it, then stop punishing her for it and making her feel guilty...you are a rat bastard for doing that...totally uncalled for.

I think this is the first time I heard someone be called a "rat bastard" outside of tv. It's great.

OP, just don't give your GF a hard time for her measly 10 guys. Try to be ok with it. You should save some anxiety for when your future GFs start telling you they took 2 guys at once. I am telling you now that that situation will be ok too.

November 9, 2014

I think this is the first time I heard someone be called a "rat bastard" outside of tv. It's great.

OP, just don't give your GF a hard time for her measly 10 guys. Try to be ok with it. You should save some anxiety for when your future GFs start telling you they took 2 guys at once. I am telling you now that that situation will be ok too.

But why is she so guilty about it for? It seems to me all the guys from her past were trashy "bad boy" type of guys that basically pumped & dumped her for her to be feeling this way. Now she's all of a sudden with a good guy that's successful & with a good job. And he's even feeling like he's some sort of settle guy for her. That's a bad position to be in for a man. If he's feeling like the settle guy, than the relationship won't work out.

November 9, 2014

If he feels like a settled guy then his is just an insecure twit that she shouldn't be wasting her time on....nice guy my ass. Even guys who claim to be nice, are actually true jerks.

November 9, 2014

If he feels like a settled guy then his is just an insecure twit that she shouldn't be wasting her time on....nice guy my ass. Even guys who claim to be nice, are actually true jerks.

True in some cases. But why is she so ashamed by her past relationships with other men? Isn't that sort of a red flag that she was with complete *******s in the past?

November 9, 2014

I wanted to say it so bad but I bit my tongue “Where the f$%# do you get off asking me if I have STDs when you have gone all the way with over 3x as many people as me?”

Did she get tested? If she did, she is 100% sure she does not have an STD.

On the opposite side, you have had three partners and no tests. You don't know how many partners these three girls had and you have no way of knowing if you have an STD since you never got tested. No matter how safe you think you were, if you have sex, there is a risk.

That's how the **** some of us get off asking a new partner if he got tested.

November 9, 2014

Yeah I have to say, you can get an STD from just one person. Makes no sense to get upset over that. Now, if you had been a virgin pure as freshly fallen snow, that would be a little different...

November 9, 2014

True in some cases. But why is she so ashamed by her past relationships with other men? Isn't that sort of a red flag that she was with complete *******s in the past?

If you had someone you were in love with freak out about it yes, you would feel guilty because it upset them. When you see your partner that upset, you get scared of losing them, and it crushes you.

November 9, 2014

If you had someone you were in love with freak out about it yes, you would feel guilty because it upset them. When you see your partner that upset, you get scared of losing them, and it crushes you.

But I'd like to think the way the past multiple relationships someone was in can possibly reflect on a future one. Seems to me she was with a lot of jerks & dislikes most of the people she was with. Wouldn't you say that's possible? I mean I think a lot of guys would be a bit worried in this guys situation.

November 9, 2014

And just a tip for the future, OP, don't ask women about their sexual past other than "have you been tested for STDs recently?". You don't want to know how many men she has been with and frankly, it's none of your business anyways. If you hadn't pressed for details you wouldn't even be in this situation.

I also think you should break up with her. This isn't healthy for you or her and I doubt you are just going to magically get over it.

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Dealing with somebody's past.

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