neptoon Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 People, I have a problem. I have this desperate hoochie calling our house for my man. It's really obvious that she just went through some fresh break up with some man but I've answered the phone a few times and she has an idea that I'm living with him. She first called my man about a month ago and I was in the room and they talked for about 10 minutes then he told her he had to go. She's 38 and she recently moved back into her parents' place (I'm assuming because her and some man split up). She had looked him up in the phone book and called him asking about some guy he knew years ago but the guy's got an unlisted number or something and she can't seem to locate him. My man said he hadn't spoken to her in 8 years, he told me, and i believe him about that. He said that she was trying to get him to go out and meet her. I thought nothing of it. She called back on the morning before Valentine's Day and I answered the phone and she asked for him. I answered the phone beside the bed and gave the phone over to him but he was still sleeping. Then she got all in a fit with me and DEMANDED what time he'd be up. I said, "I don't know. Call back later..." because he always gets up at different times on weekends. She started pressing me for a time he'd be up and getting sorta psycho about it. I ended up telling her just to call back later. Then, she called AGAIN last Saturday night and said she wanted to sell her couch, yada yada yada, so he said he'd put up flyers for her around his work and just to send him the info about the couch and the phone number. Again, she asked about that guy who was unlisted. And then she was tried to invite herself over to our place or to get him to go out and meet her somewhere. Now, in this time, I'm getting these strange phone calls -- once I had someone pretending to be a telemarketer asking if I was MRS. <bf's last name here> and really pushing this. Why I thought it was strange was because it sounded like someone whispering to the person on the phone in the background and the person on the phone seemed to be hesitating. OK, whatever, I'll say it's just my imagination. And, during the days, I'm getting someone call my house and hang up. I got a bit mad because I spoke to him about this before and we agreed after that time she was rude to me that he'd mention he had a gf. I told him that I thought she had just broken up with her man and is looking for a rebound man. Nothing wrong with that -- I've been guilty of that myself at some point in my life ... but, I never call up an already attached guy -- if the situation even smells like there's a gf in the picture. I mean, it's disrespectful...not only to someone else's relationship, but also to myself. Even when I'm by myself and feeling lonely, why the hell would I want a guy who already had another woman -- I'd like to think I could maybe start something meaningful with the person. What can become of it? If you take someone else's guy, you're left with a guy that you know can be stolen. If you don't get the taken guy, you'll feel like a desperate hoochie mamma queen who is nothing more than a homewrecker. Who wants to be a homewrecker? I got mad at my bf because he didn't tell her the second time she called that I was in the picture and didn't mention me, even though she was trying to invite herself over to our place and, in some ways, he was leading her on. And I don't think he's messing around with her or that he's going to. I'm just annoyed by the situation. What do you guys think? How do I get this woman to stop attempting to steal my man?
Mr Spock Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 He needs to tell her to stop bothering him immediately. And if he doesn't, he's a dog.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 How do I get this woman to stop attempting to steal my man? When your man stops enabling what she's doing, she'll stop. She's calling, because he hasn't given her any reason not to - in fact, it sounds like he's been encouraging it. The problem isn't with this 'man stealing hootchie'. Its with your man who isn't telling her to back off.
Barby Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 What do you guys think? How do I get this woman to stop attempting to steal my man? Why don't YOU tell her to stop calling? I would make mention that (whatever your BF's name is) asked you his GF to relay the message to her to stop calling!
Mr Spock Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 Won't work, if you tell her to stop it may make it worse. Plus, your boyfriend SHOULD tell her to stop calling. Sometimes all men need is a little prodding. Tell him right now it's unnaceptable.
Mr Spock Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I just had a really bad thought. What if your BF is lying? She could be the "OW" and he won't tell her to piss off because she'll spill the beans. There is a reason she's focusing in on your BF.
Author neptoon Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 I had a good relationship with him up to this point. He's tried to make it sound like I'm being neurotic about it. I got into a fight with him last night about it and I went out for an hour walk to think things through. I came back and he asked me if I was ok last night and I said, "No." and then I talked about why it bugged me. I came close to leaving him last night because I was angry at him for not saying anything. He agreed he was in the wrong and said that he'd say something if and when she called again. I almost think he's doing this as an ego thing. He hates it when guys hit on me and very quick to say that I'm his gf. I don't think he's dogging me but I think he likes the attention. I don't think he's got a very good opinion of himself and that's why he likes any attention he can get. I don't like making a big production of "this is my bf/gf" thing but I also don't like to hide it.
Author neptoon Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 But, wouldn't a person get the hint after they hear a woman answer the phone a few times? That's part of the blame I put on her.
Author neptoon Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 I don't think she's the OW, Mr Spock. The situation doesn't look like that. It looks a lot like he's relishing in the attention. He's told me that his ultimate fantasy is to see two women fighting. I think there's something behind every person's fantasy ... that it somehow relates to an experience in their past. I don't know what that experience is for him, but I think it has a lot to do with feelings of inadequacy. His whereabouts can always be accounted for, he doesn't do things behind my back and he likes to come home and chill out a lot. The nights when he is out, I often go to meet him at wherever he is or his friends and his friends' gf's are there. We live in the city and don't have a car, so it takes him some time to get from A to B. He always tells me where he's going and always asks me to come along and he's really happy when I show up. I don't always because sometimes I have to stay in to do work. It's the "having your woman fight for you" thing that jumps out at me right now. When I started seeing him, he asked me why i never get jealous. I just can't do it and it's the first real fight we've ever had about some other woman hitting on him and he said I was acting jealous the other day and making mountains out of molehills. Could be, but hey, if I think someone's walking all over me, I'm not going to sit there and take it and say nothing. ON EDIT: I'm just thinking that I don't always tell him of my whereabouts while he leaves his life like an open book.
Mz. Pixie Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 Neptoon- Yeah, he's probably getting off on it a little. My story- dating this guy for a while now, things are really serious. The girl he dated before me was a user and borrowed a bunch of money from him. For a long time he tried to remain friendly with her because of the money- she was to pay him back. It got to the point where she was past disrespectful of me in my opinion and I let him know it bothered me. He told her to stop calling. She did for a while, but she has called him once since then. What pissed me off about the whole thing was that he had to have been loving it- because lots of people were telling him she wanted him back and stuff. He wouldn't admit to at least getting a ego trip out of it(she dumped him). He may be trying to make you jealous. IMO though she's calling alot for someone he hasn't talked to in 8 years. Tell him you don't like it and that she should stop calling but that you will not ask her to, that will be up to him. Then sit back and see what he does.
Author neptoon Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 He had started saying to me, "I'll tell her to stop calling because my live-in gf doesn't like it." It looks like he's trying to instigate the cat fight that he gets off about. It's not that I want to stop him talking to one person or another. I have a lot of guy friends. I talk to a lot of guys. I have guys trying to find out whether or not I'm seeing someone. But I make sure guys I talk to know about him, if conversation steers in a direction necessary to divulge this information. It's that she's talking to him under false pretenses ... whether or not that's his doing is another issue. I just want him to mention that his gf lives with him. She can call all she wants after she knows this, but when I know she knows this, I'll tell her off only if she gets out of line (i.e. asking my man to meet her somewhere). Who he wants to talk to is his choosing but I won't stand for being played. While I was giving him a piece of my mind last night, i saw him smirking with some sort of self-satisfaction. Speculations about why I think he's doing this: I think maybe he's got low self-esteem or feels he's not attractive. He's said this a few times in the past, how when he was a child, some very cruel friends of his parents suggested he was an unattractive child. He's commented many times that he thinks he's "ugly". There were several relationships where women have used him as a rebound guy (or used him as the OM while her marriage was ending and ended up leaving him and her husband for another man altogether) and found some way to discard him after. Or women go out with him once or twice but just never call him back without any explanation. I can't imagine what that does to someone and when I think about it, it has to be especially flattering on his self-esteem to have a woman fight for him, if he has felt discarded or cast aside a lot. I've gone out with some VERY confident men in the past, who would've handled this situation very differently, even if they were going to be sneaky about it. I don't think this necessarily makes him a bad person. I don't think he's doing anything behind my back at the time. While I understand his ego needs, I don't think this is the best way to fulfill that need of the ego. A better way to build it is to build confidence in oneself by expanding one's own horizons through hard work. I gotta find a better way of re-channeling his energies in his effort to build his self-confidence to a healthier level. I understand this because i think I've been in his shoes before about other things.
Author neptoon Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 Originally posted by Mz. Pixie He may be trying to make you jealous. IMO though she's calling alot for someone he hasn't talked to in 8 years. She called three times in the past month. Is this a lot? I still think she's desperately looking for some rebound guy.
Mz. Pixie Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Three times in a month- at home when you're there? What about work or his cell? Not suggesting he's doing anything sneaky but you know a girls gotta be careful. The reason I had a problem with this particular chick was because she knew about our relationship and had even talked with me online (I happened to be on his computer once when she imd him and I told her that if she wanted to talk to him to call him on his cell and we chatted). As soon as we finished "chatting" she called him to ask him if he'd like to go out that night! WTF? After she'd told me, "You guys seem to be so happy and I wish you the best". Then she made a huge scene at a bar when we showed up to dance as well. To me, she didn't have respect for me or our relationship so why should he maintain a even distant friendship with her? He has friends that are women and I do not have a problem with him talking to them. I just think you have to be suspicious because of the situation. Not that he's doing anything but I just don't trust people (her) who seem to have a agenda. He should tell her about you and ask her not to call out of respect for your relationship. She may be lonely and just wanting to talk- but she needs to find her own man. To me, he's with you and why should he care about what some random chick from 8 years ago thinks??
Impressive1 Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 He may not want to ask her to stop calling because he's just a nice guy, but not mentioning anything about you I think is a bit disrespectful, I think. Maybe he just enjoys all of the drama it's causing.
Donut Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Can you change your number and make it ex-directory? Or would that cause hassle?
EIN Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 This sounds more like a Desperate Stalker. Heed other forum users advice.
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