surferluke Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 (edited) Hey Everyone, New here, but been looking around for a few days. I guess I'll jump right into my issue. So, was with my ex for a little over 9 years and I broke it off with her 18 months ago. So it has been a year and a half at this point. We broke up because she was extremely jealous and passive aggressive and I also wasn't feeling that extreme passion, over the moon feeling for her anymore. It became more of a love but not "In love" feeling. when she was normal she was the best person I have ever met in my life and she was perfect in every other way.. Other then the jealousy. Our sex life was non existent because she was very self conscious. When it did happen it wasn't good at all. Without getting into details, let's just say it was very unfulfilling and I have an extremely high libido so you can imagine how this went. I also wasnt super attracted to her anymore because of this terrible sex and the fact that I was with her so long. New always seems more exciting. But she was my absolute best friend in the entire world and I would have given her my life if it came to it. I also suffer from bouts of extreme anxiety and depression at times. Just how I am wired I guess. It can be very embarrassing to tell people, especially with what I get anxious about. I wont get into that, but lets just say it isnt something you bring up to someone until you know they are going to be there for you nomatter what. Which she was. She was great with that and Always there for me. She was my rock. But again, I felt for a while that we needed to end things. I also always had this dream of being an actor. Didnt need to be a huge hollywood actor or anything nearly impossible like that, but one who made a decent living at it. That was a dream I had my entire life. I have done many plays, a few commercials, some print work and indie stuff. I really felt I had a shot. But then I met her and it kinds took a second seat until I stopped pursuing all together. So that was another contributing factor to why I ended it. Her insane jealousy, passive aggressiveness, horrible sex life, lack of any passion on my part anymore and regretting being held back from my dreams were all part of my decision when I weighed them against the positives which were: We were best friends, she was the most caring person I have ever met and she loved me with her whole heart (even though she didnt show it all the time) and she was there for me whenever I needed her the most with my issues. She did not take the break up well at all. Without getting into details lets just say I had severe anxiety for close to 6 months after because she couldnt let go and was still contacting me. I was dating around and having a blast. Enjoying the single life to the fullest. Not once did I regret my decision. I was surfing again, I was meeting a lot of sexy woman. I did a fitness shoot. I was even hooking up with girls in their mid twenties and being hit on girls even younger. I am going to be 36 soon so you can imagine how great that is from a guys stand point who hadnt had sex in years and when he did it was terrible. I was on top of the world. Now flash forward to recently. I am over the random hook ups and want something more serious. Post break up faze is over and if I want a family I need to start getting my life in order. So, I have met many girls who had everything I am looking for. But I just dont feel like I can move past my ex. The random hook ups were just fun and a way I dealt with things I guess. But my heart, giving that to someone else, it is something I cant do because she still has it. I guess. I mean, I feel like she is always in the back of my mind scratching to come to the surface. Also, the past few months I have basically realized the odds of my acting career working out is pretty slim. I am to old and out of practice at this point. I dont have time to go to workshops or auditions because I also work a full time job where I put in 50 plus hours a week. So, realizing my dream is basically dead and the fact that I am over this sleeping around stage and the understanding that I cant really give anyone a chance with my heart; not able to let go of the past, is causing severe anxiety and depression, which is even worse since I am already prone to these things. My friends all say its cause I havent met the right girl yet. But I also feel like no girl can truly get to know me because they dont know about my anxieties and I dont feel comfortable telling anyone about it. I feel like I have this weird secret that if they know about they wouldnt like me. Now, I know eventually I would tell them and they would most likely be okay with it. But I still cant get my ex out of my head. Almost like she is my crutch when the anxiety gets bad. So, I saw my ex in july at the beach. She started uncontrollably crying when she saw me and it was very emotional for both of us. So we began talking on the phone here and there "as friends" and she told me she was seeing someone, but wasnt letting it get anywhere because she wasnt over me and wanted me back more then anything. I been dodging these talks for a while now because I wasnt sure I was in any state to make that decision or even entertain those thoughts. Oh, I also forgot to mention. I saw her brother last night and he told me how much him and their family miss me and that I should still come around when she wasnt there so we can all catch up. I was super close to them but we all cut ties after. Her brother became one of my best friend and her sister dated my cousin for a long time, so we were very close. I used to do surfing comps with her cousin too. My anxiety has been so bad lately that everything, every scenario, every positive and negative is racing through my mind every second of every day. I recently started seeing someone as well. I mean we been on like 6 dates and just recently slept together. This girl is great. I mean she is sweet and likes me so much. I dont want to play with her head, but I know I am still not ready to move on. But after we slept together I have to treat this delicately because I dont want to hurt her. I dont want her thinking I just wanted to sleep with her an move on. I am not that guy. (I know I was doing that earlier with others, like I said.. but the girls were aware thats all it was. I made sure of that before hand.) So, My emotional state is so heightened at this point I cant make a rational decision. I miss her so much, but we broke up for a reason. Am I missing her because when I get this anxiety she helps ease it and is there for me? Do I just want to fall back into my comfort zone with her and then when I feel better say, "Oh, no.. I dont want to be with her. What did I do?" Can I really spend my life with her and miss out on someone who might be better for me? I mean, you get the idea. All these thoughts go through my head. Worst part of all, I feel bad for this new girl. I dont want to hurt her, but either way I realize now she is going to. I am not ready to be with anyone at this point. Not even my ex. BUT my ex is seeing someone and every day that goes by they are getting more serious, so that adds another layer of anxiety. Like there is a small window of time that I have to make the most crucial decision of my life. I am afraid I will never be able to let her go and move on and I am also afraid if we get back I will always wonder what if shes not the one and shes still out there? And I have horrible anxiety about this and I only have a short window to decide it feels like. I sat on the beach last night and had a few beers with a good friend and they basically said to me that I was screwed. He told me he would just move on and enjoy life, but he also is the typical, Stoner surfer guy who just wants to float through life and enjoying experiences and things. Very stereotypical of what people think "surfer dudes" are. So, not the best to take advice from. Which is why I am here. I am defenietly someone who loves to love and be loved and I really enjoy going on a lot of dates and experiencing people and all that. I cant ever get close to girls though because my ex is always in the back of my mind. Like I feel like I would be cheating on her if I allowed myself to move on in a more serious way. I know she is seeing someone, but she has made it clear that she wants to be with me and hes just someone shes trying to move on with. Apparently, from what her brother told me the guy knows she still not over me and is okay with that. He also said that was super weird that he would stick around after knowing that. lol. But I guess it is sweet. So, I am happy she has that. Well, maybe not happy. Actually I hate it. haha I just dont know what I want and thats the problem. There is a time frame on my decision making and I am not in any frame of mind to make a decision. So I am just losing my mind. Has anyone been in this predicament? Edited November 9, 2014 by surferluke
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