Met the guy I've been talking to for the first time, can I message first?

[Tayken]

Tayken - Sorry I'm not sure what you meant, do you mean you think what happened was ok? I certainly don't think I'm better than him at all!

 

PogoStick - Haha thank you this made me laugh, I can only hope he feels the same!

 

J21 - Thanks for your honesty, I do agree with what you're saying. I just hope he doesn't think that way!

 

The same for everyone, I appreciate you all being honest with me! And for the people saying he doesn't want a relationship - I don't think that's true, he's invested a lot of time in talking to me and we both were taking it really slowly up until now and I don't think that's a bad thing and I certainly don't think he would have put that much effort in if all he wanted was to sleep with me! I could be wrong, he just doesn't seem like that kind of guy but then again, I didn't think I was this kind of girl to sleep with him on the first day. But generally I do think he's a good guy, and the fact that I met him on tinder only reassures me that he does want a relationship because that's the main reason people use it! But now obviously I've probably given him the opposite impression, which isn't true.

 

Anyway, I did actually message him at 5pm asking how his weekend was and saying it was nice to meet him and does he want to go for a drink sometime, but it's now half 10pm and he still hasn't replied. Do you think I've ruined it? Any chance he could still just be playing it cool or do you think I'm being ignored?

 

 

Then why ask if you should message him first?

[smackie9]

The same for everyone, I appreciate you all being honest with me! And for the people saying he doesn't want a relationship - I don't think that's true

 

Anyway, I did actually message him at 5pm asking how his weekend was and saying it was nice to meet him and does he want to go for a drink sometime, but it's now half 10pm and he still hasn't replied.

 

You are so naive.

[RosieDunne]

Tayken - Just because I've grown up believing that you should always wait for the guy to message first or it looks clingy and desperate and I didn't want to add to the already bad impression I've given of myself! But I did end up messaging him anyway because I was waiting all day and I couldn't help myself

[smackie9]

Darlin take advice from a very experienced old gal.....guys will do and say anything just to get sex. You got played.

[RosieDunne]

You are so naive.

 

Bit blunt, you don't know him, where as I've been talking to him so I can gather this opinion of him if I want. I genuinely don't think he's a bad guy, that doesn't make me naive. I kept wanting to ask him to go out for a drink too but the opportunity never really arose, I could see why he hadn't asked me yet because we were always in the middle of a conversation and there wasn't really an opportunity yet, we did have a sort of 'snapchat date' once though, which I know sounds weird and doesn't count at all haha, but I'm just saying it's not like he wasn't putting in any effort to see me or find things out about me. I think he was actually about to ask me anyway because it was getting to that stage and I was very nearly going to ask him myself, but then this night happened so I guess I'll never know.

[RosieDunne]

Darlin take advice from a very experienced old gal.....guys will do and say anything just to get sex. You got played.

 

I do appreciate you trying to tell me what you think, I just don't think I did get played. To be honest, if anything I'm the one who played him. He was continually a gentleman where I was the one who messaged him drunk and asked if he wanted to meet, I was the one that suggested coming over to his, and yeah, he kissed me, but I was the one who took it further. It's my fault not his. And I wasn't 'playing' him, I do want something more, but I could see why he might think I don't.

[anna121]

I honestly can't imagine living with someone in the same city, for two months, and not making some effort to get together. To me, that would scream a lack of serious interest.

 

How could there not be "an opportunity" for him to ask you out because you were in the middle of a conversation??? That makes no sense at all.

[RosieDunne]

I honestly can't imagine living with someone in the same city, for two months, and not making some effort to get together. To me, that would scream a lack of serious interest.

 

How could there not be "an opportunity" for him to ask you out because you were in the middle of a conversation??? That makes no sense at all.

 

There was just never really a good time, plus he was at work a lot and I was really busy with uni work so neither of us really had the time to do it lately anyway. Even if he had asked I wouldn't have been able to do it until now. I know it sounds stupid, I just really don't think him to asking to meet up was a problem at all. We were still getting to know each other and taking it slow and I actually like that he hadn't asked yet. The only problem I have here is that now he's going to think terribly of me for what happened

[clia]

There was just never really a good time, plus he was at work a lot and I was really busy with uni work so neither of us really had the time to do it lately anyway. Even if he had asked I wouldn't have been able to do it until now. I know it sounds stupid, I just really don't think him to asking to meet up was a problem at all. We were still getting to know each other and taking it slow and I actually like that he hadn't asked yet. The only problem I have here is that now he's going to think terribly of me for what happened

 

I don't think you have to worry, because I doubt he's thinking very much about you at all at this point.

 

Him never asking to meet up with you after two months is a huge problem, and a huge red flag.

[fred123]

did you guys even speak on the phone before you met up? have phone convos?

 

if he is too busy to meet you for whatever reason in 2 months surely he could have time for a 10 minute convo a few times no?

[thecrucible]

Try not to be too hard on yourself. What's done is done and all you can do is move forward.

[smackie9]

I honestly can't imagine living with someone in the same city, for two months, and not making some effort to get together. To me, that would scream a lack of serious interest.

 

How could there not be "an opportunity" for him to ask you out because you were in the middle of a conversation??? That makes no sense at all.

In one ear and out the other....

[RosieDunne]

He still hasn't replied to the message I sent him on Sunday yet I know most of you think he's a bad guy and maybe all he did want was a fling, but I still have hope that that's not true, I do believe he's a good guy because everything was going really well until this.

I really hate myself for going to meet him because I really enjoyed talking to him and now he's just disappeared off the face of the earth. I know I should probably give up but I don't want to, do you think it'd be weird to send another message? I don't want to be pushy nor do I want to look like an idiot if he's deliberately ignoring me but it is possible maybe he missed the message or something? That did happen once and he was really apologetic for it and said it made him sad he'd missed it. I just don't want him to disappear completely. Maybe I could just continue the conversation from where we were before I met up with him? Or do you think I should ask about this somehow or something? I hate that's he's just gone, no explanation or anything and now I hate myself so much because I think it's all my fault. I want to know if he isn't interested or not because right now I have no idea what's happening and I can't work if he's just done with me now he's slept with me. He didn't seem like that at all, it seemed like more, but maybe I was just wrong.

[pteromom]

You have nothing to lose by sending another message.

 

But I wouldn't expect to hear back. If he didn't make an effort to meet you in person within 2 months, he wasn't that crazy about the idea in the first place. (Not necessarily anything to do with you.)

 

But he took sex since it was available.

 

I am sorry this happened to you, but it has happened to all of us.

 

From now on, if you are talking to someone online, expect to meet in person within a week or two. And never never go back to his place if you aren't wanting to sleep together.

[Standard-Fare]

You have nothing to lose by sending another message.

 

Disagree. She's got more dignity to lose.

 

Rosie, please don't send another message. It would be such a turnoff. He'd have been in contact with you by now if he wanted to be.

 

Either a) you'll never hear from him again, or b) he'll leave you dangling for a while until he gets back in touch looking to hook up again. (Probably a post 10 pm text.) In which case, you should not respond.

 

You're not a monster or a slut for getting drunk and having sex. But you ARE coming across as very naive in trying to pursue a "relationship" with this guy.

[losangelena]

He still hasn't replied to the message I sent him on Sunday yet I know most of you think he's a bad guy and maybe all he did want was a fling, but I still have hope that that's not true, I do believe he's a good guy because everything was going really well until this.

I really hate myself for going to meet him because I really enjoyed talking to him and now he's just disappeared off the face of the earth. I know I should probably give up but I don't want to, do you think it'd be weird to send another message? I don't want to be pushy nor do I want to look like an idiot if he's deliberately ignoring me but it is possible maybe he missed the message or something? That did happen once and he was really apologetic for it and said it made him sad he'd missed it. I just don't want him to disappear completely. Maybe I could just continue the conversation from where we were before I met up with him? Or do you think I should ask about this somehow or something? I hate that's he's just gone, no explanation or anything and now I hate myself so much because I think it's all my fault. I want to know if he isn't interested or not because right now I have no idea what's happening and I can't work if he's just done with me now he's slept with me. He didn't seem like that at all, it seemed like more, but maybe I was just wrong.

 

OOOH, girl.

 

It's time to back up off that. Even if he DID miss your text, the fact that it's been several days since you last saw him, since your hook up, if he'd wanted to be in contact by now he would have been.

 

Just as you're not a "bad person" for sleeping with him so soon, neither is he a "bad person" for failing to have any interest at this point. This kind of thing happens. I too agree that he seemed all to eager to have you come over to his house in your drunken state. The fact that he HADN'T asked you out before signifies to me that he was not interested in pursuing. A gentleman in this case would have not invited you over. If he was interested, he would have offered to meet you at the bar you were at.

 

By the way—you were out with girlfriends. What was their take on the situation??

 

Don't beat yourself up over this. There's a lot of trial and error in dating. When I first started I had a similar experience with a guy I liked a lot. We didn't have sex, but things were taken too far physically too soon, and he even said it kind of ruined it for him. Never mind that he was there participating, it was a good lesson nonetheless. Some guys will be okay with sex in the first few dates, some won't. Yes, this is a double standard. And yes you can talk to the guy about it and try and make sure where they stand before you go for it, but as I've said here before it's ALWAYS a risk. ALWAYS. You took the risk this time and it didn't work. Try a different tactic next time and see how it works.

[snowflakes88]

He still hasn't replied to the message I sent him on Sunday yet I know most of you think he's a bad guy and maybe all he did want was a fling, but I still have hope that that's not true, I do believe he's a good guy because everything was going really well until this.

I really hate myself for going to meet him because I really enjoyed talking to him and now he's just disappeared off the face of the earth. I know I should probably give up but I don't want to, do you think it'd be weird to send another message? I don't want to be pushy nor do I want to look like an idiot if he's deliberately ignoring me but it is possible maybe he missed the message or something? That did happen once and he was really apologetic for it and said it made him sad he'd missed it. I just don't want him to disappear completely. Maybe I could just continue the conversation from where we were before I met up with him? Or do you think I should ask about this somehow or something? I hate that's he's just gone, no explanation or anything and now I hate myself so much because I think it's all my fault. I want to know if he isn't interested or not because right now I have no idea what's happening and I can't work if he's just done with me now he's slept with me. He didn't seem like that at all, it seemed like more, but maybe I was just wrong.

 

First sign he isn't interested: letting two months pass without asking you out on a date.

 

Second sign he isn't interested: not contacting you after you had sex.

 

Third sign he isn't interested: not responding to your message.

 

Sure, contact him again if you don't mind looking pushy and desperate. But this one is done. In the future, don't spend weeks or months chatting to someone who isn't making any effort to meet up with you. And definitely do not hop into bed with someone you hardly know before you've even been on a date with them.

[RosieDunne]

Ok so I was 100% convinced I'd ruined this and was never going to hear from him again... and last night I was a bit drunk and ended up sending him a message (it was nothing bad, I literally just said hey do you fancy meeting up sometime again) obviously it's not something I would've done sober as I definitely looked desperate after sending that so I was dying of embarrassment about it today and told myself to just forget the whole thing.

But, now I've just got a message from him saying "Yo sorry I missed this. Was asleep! You okay? x"

What does that mean?? I'm starting to wonder if he even got my first text at all?? But even if he didn't, he made no effort to contact me! So is it good that I got a reply? I'm not sure, I really can't work him out. Please give me thoughts on this I'm so confused!!! I was never expecting to hear from him again!

[Divasu]

Two months went by and you never had a single date with him.

 

You both manage to have sex.

You become clingy afterwards.

 

Yeah, this is pretty much a done deal.

 

And for what it is worth, you did not ruin this relationship. There was never a relationship. He knows exactly what the deal is.

[RosieDunne]

Two months went by and you never had a single date with him.

 

You both manage to have sex.

You become clingy afterwards.

 

Yeah, this is pretty much a done deal.

 

And for what it is worth, you did not ruin this relationship. There was never a relationship. He knows exactly what the deal is.

 

I never said it was a relationship - far from it, I'm just trying to work out if he is actually interested in any way or not. Everything everyone said made perfect sense until he messaged me and now I'm just confused as to what he wants? Again, the no date thing is really not that big of a deal, I hadn't even had the time to think about it yet, it was probably more like a month and a half anyway, and we were just getting to know each other a bit better first. My friend met his girlfriend on tinder and they didn't meet up for about 3 or 4 months, it really didn't bother me that he was taking his time! It just sort of happened that we did end up meeting!

[snowflakes88]

You've asked him out twice since you slept together. He did not answer either time about meeting up again. All you can do is ask a third time, I guess. Dignity is out the window at this point anyway.

[Divasu]

I never said it was a relationship - far from it, I'm just trying to work out if he is actually interested in any way or not. Everything everyone said made perfect sense until he messaged me and now I'm just confused as to what he wants? Again, the no date thing is really not that big of a deal, I hadn't even had the time to think about it yet, it was probably more like a month and a half anyway, and we were just getting to know each other a bit better first. My friend met his girlfriend on tinder and they didn't meet up for about 3 or 4 months, it really didn't bother me that he was taking his time! It just sort of happened that we did end up meeting!

 

Okay relationship was the wrong use of word on my part...

 

How about, potential relationship.

 

In other words, what exactly do you think you "ruined"?

 

As for taking the time to meet you, don't you think it's remotely possible that when sex was on the table, it had no longer become an issue for him to wait?

[clia]

I never said it was a relationship - far from it, I'm just trying to work out if he is actually interested in any way or not.

 

There is nothing left to work out here. He's not interested.

 

Everything everyone said made perfect sense until he messaged me and now I'm just confused as to what he wants?

 

You texted him drunk and he simply responded. Did he ask you out? No. Did he proactively reach out to you? No.

 

Please delete his number from your phone so you don't drunk text him again.

[losangelena]

Please delete his number from your phone so you don't drunk text him again.

 

I Second this.

[preraph]

You basically just asked him for another hookup. He might take you up on it, but he's not dating you or he already would have. You have to realize you're not the only girl he's talking to on Tinder. Tinder is known as THE hookup site, not the dating site. He's talking to a dozen girls on Tinder holding out for the easy hookup. He's not asking on dates. He's not dating. He's hooking up. He didn't ask you out in two months in the same town. No excuse for that. He didn't ask you out after you hooked up with him. He didn't even bother to answer the first text. Keep making excuses for men and you'll end up with a poor excuse of a man.