RosieDunne Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Ok so I've been talking to this guy I met online for about 2 months now. He's really nice and sweet and we've been talking pretty much every day which is a really nice change from past relationships I've been used to. I can always rely on him to reply within the same day and he always seems genuinely interested in what I have to say. We've found out a lot about each other and he's just really easy to talk to, we've also flirted quite a bit and he's told me before that he likes me and he's just generally really really nice, basically I really like him. Anyway, the other night I was out with my friends and we were all quite drunk and he'd been messaging me all evening so he was on my mind and I told him we'd ended up going out to this club (he knows it too because we live really close to each other) and he was like ahw I'm jealous! And that he was just having a cosy evening in, to which I said I was more jealous of that! And one thing led to another and we ended up deciding to meet. It was my idea and I kind of regret it now because I didn't want our first meeting to be like that at all - I'd wanted to met him sober and go on a date, not to his house! I was just drunk and really wanting to meet him so I suggested it and he was really up for seeing me too. So I met him and he was really lovely and everything I expected him to be and better. We talked for ages and there was this real connection and when we were in his room he ended up kissing me and it was really really nice and there was a ridiculous amount of chemistry so we sort of ended up sleeping together. Which I did NOT want to happen the first time I met him so I'm really disappointed in myself and worried I've messed it up?! He was really lovely and in the morning we woke up cuddling and he kissed me a lot and rubbed my back and it was really nice and I'm hoping it's a good sign, but now I'm just terrified he's going to think I'm really easy and it's going to put him off me?? When I left he hugged me goodbye and said something along the lines of "Well I have your number now so I'll no doubt be messaging you soon haha!" (we'd been talking on tinder before that night) and I said yeah, hopefully see you again soon! This was yesterday morning so it's only just been a day really but I don't know if that's a bad sign that he hasn't messaged me yet? I know I'm being impatient as that's hardly any time at all, but I'm just really worried he's not going to be interested anymore or maybe he's changed his mind? So basically I was just wondering if I should message him? I kind of want him to message first but at the same time now I'm stressing over the fact that maybe he'll be put off me. I just thought about asking him if he wants to go for a drink sometime? or something like that and say it was nice to meet him. I really like this guy and I'd like to actually get to know him properly and go on a date, like I'd intended to do the first time we met. But now I'm really worried I've messed everything up. Do you think he'll think badly of me for sleeping with him?
InsaneTrombone Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 (edited) It's very possible you cemented yourself as a casual girl who just wants to bang in his eyes. I mean, it sounded like you guys were serious in the beginning of your paragraph, and you just threw it all up in the air by screwing him on the first time you met him, while drunk. It's not a good first impression and I know if I was the guy in that situation, you pretty much just took yourself out of the 'dateable' category and landed in the typical 'slutty' category. Sorry, but I don't see how this guy can take you seriously anymore. He's probably going to expect more of the similar from you now. And you can try to change that, but nothings going to change that first impression, and boy was it a big one. Edited November 9, 2014 by InsaneTrombone 1
Author RosieDunne Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 That's exactly what I was terrified of What can I do to change that impression??? That's not what I wanted him to think of me at all. I know it was really really stupid and I really wish I hadn't done it because I've potentially just ruined everything. I'm not like that. I've had some issues in the past when I'm drunk sometimes because of everything my ex put me through, he wouldn't have sex with me the 2 years we were together and generally was very abusive and made me incredibly insecure, and I know that's not an excuse, but it does affect me when I get drunk and I always find myself incredibly amazed if a guy wants to sleep with me at all because of the amount of times I was denied it in the past, and I guess sometimes I feel I need to prove myself against everything my ex said about me. He told me I wasn't attractive or sexy and people wouldn't want to sleep with me and I try to just forget about everything he's made me feel in the past but I guess sometimes it still affects me which is maybe why I felt like I needed to sleep with this guy because now I have it in my head that I have to prove my ex wrong and show guys that I can be sexy or they won't like me. So now I've messed everything up because of my insecurities and slept with this guy I really liked and I didn't mean to and I don't know what to do. Should I maybe apologise for the other night? Explain that it's not the kind of person I am? Or does that just make me sound desperate? I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I'm really upset because I thought finally a guy might actually like me and I might get a chance at something real with a guy who's actually nice to me and now I've just gone and given this terrible, terrible impression of myself. I'm not like that at all, I do want something serious, I don't just want to sleep around and I've never cheated in my life, even on the guy who treated me worse than I knew it was possible to be treated. Is there really no way to recover from this?
InsaneTrombone Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 (edited) That's exactly what I was terrified of What can I do to change that impression??? That's not what I wanted him to think of me at all. I know it was really really stupid and I really wish I hadn't done it because I've potentially just ruined everything. I'm not like that. I've had some issues in the past when I'm drunk sometimes because of everything my ex put me through, he wouldn't have sex with me the 2 years we were together and generally was very abusive and made me incredibly insecure, and I know that's not an excuse, but it does affect me when I get drunk and I always find myself incredibly amazed if a guy wants to sleep with me at all because of the amount of times I was denied it in the past, and I guess sometimes I feel I need to prove myself against everything my ex said about me. He told me I wasn't attractive or sexy and people wouldn't want to sleep with me and I try to just forget about everything he's made me feel in the past but I guess sometimes it still affects me which is maybe why I felt like I needed to sleep with this guy because now I have it in my head that I have to prove my ex wrong and show guys that I can be sexy or they won't like me. So now I've messed everything up because of my insecurities and slept with this guy I really liked and I didn't mean to and I don't know what to do. Should I maybe apologise for the other night? Explain that it's not the kind of person I am? Or does that just make me sound desperate? I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I'm really upset because I thought finally a guy might actually like me and I might get a chance at something real with a guy who's actually nice to me and now I've just gone and given this terrible, terrible impression of myself. I'm not like that at all, I do want something serious, I don't just want to sleep around and I've never cheated in my life, even on the guy who treated me worse than I knew it was possible to be treated. Is there really no way to recover from this? I mean, I think the only way this could be salvaged is with a few serious dates. Getting to know eachother. I wouldn't apologize about what happened, but I would mention how that was very unlike you and that's not the impression you wanted to give. You need to convince him you really just want to get to know him and go out a few times and talk and have fun together with eachothers company. This is all assuming he is still up for that and not already done with the idea of you two dating. Does it sound desperate? Maybe, but if you want to see if you can turn things around, you don't have much of a choice. If you're REALLY into this guy, that's probably your only shot. I'm not here saying that will work, but I think it's your only feasible option at this point. Just don't get caught up in the whole thing and do not tell him about your crazy exbf and your insecurities and everything you just listed here. That'll make him run as fast as possible. He doesn't need to know all that at this point, maybe down the road. So you can TRY to recover from this, but there is no guarantee whatsoever, keep that in mind if you're going to attempt it. Edited November 9, 2014 by InsaneTrombone
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 You have been talking with this guy for 2 months and him not even asking you for a date, see where this is going? He took the opportunity to meet up at his place, you end up in his room, had sex. He had no intention of dating you in the first place. Don't waste your time. 11
J21 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Way to blow 2 months of rapport building to waste on 1 drunken night. He lost respect for you. If I were him, I would have thoughts you are doing this with other guys so I'd probably not think of you as a serious relationship material. Just a fling type of chick that is dtf. 1
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Tip, don't build a relationship on texting, meet and get to know one another ON DATES. If a guy is willing to spend time going out with you, taking you to places, and not his bedroom, he actually is interested in a relationship. 3
J21 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 (edited) FWIW, if I were the guy's best friend. I would tell him that the chick is just a casual chick looking to bang and wouldn't get too attached emotionally. I'd definitely put out the argument: "she could be doing this with 10 other guys, who knows". "Why would you want a relationship with someone that has sex so easily? You think she hasn't done this before with other dudes? Have fun banging her all you want, but I don't think she's relationship material bro". Unfortunately you don't get a second chance at first impression. You can't go 100 mph on the first day you meet (which wasn't even a date), and then expect to go back to a snail crawl and build a relationship. Seriously, you're gonna go from having sex to just going out on regular dates that ends only with a hug/kiss? Get real. If he contacts you, it's most likely because he wants to bang. Edited November 9, 2014 by J21
Author RosieDunne Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 But I'm not like that at all I was drunk and got carried away and made a stupid decision to meet him and I'd do anything to take that back because I really wanted to take it slow with this guy and hopefully have things work out. But I'm really hoping there is a chance it might be ok? Truth be told, my last boyfriend I met on a night out and we went back to his house that same night and I'd never even met him before and we ended up going on dates after that and ended up in a relationship for 2 years, so it can work out, right? That's actually one of the main reasons I probably thought it was ok when I was drunk this time, because that's what happened the first time. (Well, technically that's not the full truth - I didn't actually sleep with him because I didn't want to but he thinks it's because his parents were home so he was under the impression we would have slept together that first night if they weren't there, so technically still had the same opinion as if I had slept with him, because I did go back to house?) Anyway, I was just an idiot and wasn't thinking rationally. I really want this to work out, I know I was stupid. And I already hate myself for this and I know you're all right, but these comments are making it a lot worse. Is there not anyone that thinks it might be ok? I spoke to my housemates about it and they think it might be fine, I'm just scared he's never going to contact me again now.
preraph Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 The only thing to do now is wait. And as another poster said, you may very well have pidgeon-holed yourself as the casual-sex girl. So you'll have to do something to minimize that. You should tell him you never usually do that. If he wants to believe that, he will. But once you tell him that, don't sleep with him again unless he's taking you on a real date.
mortensorchid Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I'm sorry sweetheart, but it ain't gonna happen. At least, not in the way that you wanted it to. You met him on Tinder (strike 1), you had been in communication for two months and he never asked you out before then (strike 2), you were drunk when he decided he was bored enough to communicate with you (strike 3), you slept with him upon meeting him. If you sleep with someone when you first meet them, it's over and done with. The dynamic was based on sex not love (or potential love). I would just say "That's that" and move on. It happens to all of us. We learn. 5
veggirl Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Why did it take 2 months and a drunken night out to meet? You guys live that close and he never asked you out... 3
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 But I'm not like that at all I was drunk and got carried away . dear he had no intention of dating you in the first place even if you didn't end up drunk in his bed. He was never that into you, you got played. 3
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 And like you were the only on he was texting....he played his cards right that eventually one of the many would want to come over to his place.
mammasita Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 You directed yourself right into booty call lane girlfriend. 2 months of talking and no date and one night you mention being drunk and close by and all of a sudden he agrees to meet up. I wouldnt count on anything of substance with this one. 3
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Rosie the reason why you ditched all reason and went to meet him was because he never asked you out, and ignored that fact, so you pushed it with him, only to have yourself in this position. You obviously really liked this guy, but TBH he wasn't making a move, so you chased your dream to be with him. You just want to be in a relationship so bad you were willing to make this desperate move. Don't feel that bad from what happened, you were driven by blind desire, fueled by alcohol. Lesson learned. Now it's time to lick your wounds and move on. 1
Brooke02 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Tip #2 Don't go to a guys house thinking your not gonna sleep with him. Especially if you are drunk.. And you don't even know him.. Texting isn't "knowing" him..How safe was that? You HAVE to be smarter than that. In a guys mind, that's WHY you came over. 4
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Yup I agree, if they invite you over, the expectation is there. If you are not ready decline. We already had a regular on here that fell victim to such scenario, even tho the warnings were all their right in front of her face.
Tayken Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 @OP...I don't see why not if you feel like it. Unless of course you think you are better than him?
PogoStick Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 It's not a good first impression and I know if I was the guy in that situation, you pretty much just took yourself out of the 'dateable' category and landed in the typical 'slutty' category. Landing in my "slutty" category would make her more dateable. 1
J21 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 But I'm not like that at all I was drunk and got carried away and made a stupid decision to meet him and I'd do anything to take that back because I really wanted to take it slow with this guy and hopefully have things work out. But I'm really hoping there is a chance it might be ok? Truth be told, my last boyfriend I met on a night out and we went back to his house that same night and I'd never even met him before and we ended up going on dates after that and ended up in a relationship for 2 years, so it can work out, right? That's actually one of the main reasons I probably thought it was ok when I was drunk this time, because that's what happened the first time. (Well, technically that's not the full truth - I didn't actually sleep with him because I didn't want to but he thinks it's because his parents were home so he was under the impression we would have slept together that first night if they weren't there, so technically still had the same opinion as if I had slept with him, because I did go back to house?) Anyway, I was just an idiot and wasn't thinking rationally. I really want this to work out, I know I was stupid. And I already hate myself for this and I know you're all right, but these comments are making it a lot worse. Is there not anyone that thinks it might be ok? I spoke to my housemates about it and they think it might be fine, I'm just scared he's never going to contact me again now. What you are, and what his impression of what you are, are totally different things. Unfortunately, he's going off of the latter because you guys don't really know each other. You seem like a good person that really likes him, and just happened to make a alcohol fueled mistake. But there are some mistakes that just needs to happen once and it's over (for genuine relationship track). I think sleeping with him on your first meet is one of them. I'd rather have people be honest and "tell it like it is", than people "fluff you up" and tell you it's not that bad. I mean, so many people are agreeing it isn't gonna work out, yet you like him so much you are trying to find people to agree it will work out.
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Again the reality is there was noting to work out regardless. This guy had no intention of a relationship. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I don't see this as a big deal. FYI with my longest relationships we had sex within the first 3 dates. His lack of contact now and lack of initiation to meet you before doesn't look good though. Don't beat yourself up, you enjoyed the night right? Take it as a nice experience and move forward. I wouldn't contact him but I don't see that as making a difference at this stage. Might as well get it out of the way. 2
Author RosieDunne Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 Tayken - Sorry I'm not sure what you meant, do you mean you think what happened was ok? I certainly don't think I'm better than him at all! PogoStick - Haha thank you this made me laugh, I can only hope he feels the same! J21 - Thanks for your honesty, I do agree with what you're saying. I just hope he doesn't think that way! The same for everyone, I appreciate you all being honest with me! And for the people saying he doesn't want a relationship - I don't think that's true, he's invested a lot of time in talking to me and we both were taking it really slowly up until now and I don't think that's a bad thing and I certainly don't think he would have put that much effort in if all he wanted was to sleep with me! I could be wrong, he just doesn't seem like that kind of guy but then again, I didn't think I was this kind of girl to sleep with him on the first day. But generally I do think he's a good guy, and the fact that I met him on tinder only reassures me that he does want a relationship because that's the main reason people use it! But now obviously I've probably given him the opposite impression, which isn't true. Anyway, I did actually message him at 5pm asking how his weekend was and saying it was nice to meet him and does he want to go for a drink sometime, but it's now half 10pm and he still hasn't replied. Do you think I've ruined it? Any chance he could still just be playing it cool or do you think I'm being ignored?
snowflakes88 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 If he were interested in anything more than a convenient hookup, I highly doubt he would have let 2 months go by without asking you out on a proper date. There's "taking it slow," and there's just plain not interested. 3
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