In a long term relationship but having an affair...which I think is over...

[FusionCutter]

Hi DTK3, I would love the world to be so black and white with no grey areas. Yes, i know my actions have been selfish (not sure how many more times I have to say this), but it is just that: a selfish act. I believe that I was quite mentally ill when all this started and I acted out of character...I'd lost a baby and felt unsupported...not to mention that I just felt like a useleas human being. I beat myself up constantly and spent a long time feeling like less of a woman....all the while trying to deal with my partner and his issues with addiction. I clung to anything that made me feel better and became quite fatalistic. ..I considered suicide at one stage (prior to the affair) as I was struggling to cope with numerous bereavements and the miscarriage. Then there he was...I can't lie, it did make me feel a little more alive when all I saw around me was death. It hasn't stopped either...I buried my grandma last week and my uncle a few weeks before that...I'm lonely and my family is shrinking fast. So please, before anyone else judges me, I'm not some heartless scarlet woman who 'puts it about' with anyone who asks...nor do I not care. I was sad, lonely and the shoulder to cry on (I was his shoulder too) got way out of hand. I just want to get things right going forward.

 

I used to think these things were "shades of grey" until I realized that's justifying bad behavior. If we agree on black and white for certain things (like betrayal is wrong, black and white) what to do usually becomes clearer and easier.

 

A world full of shades of grey can lead to real pain for people. Messing around with people's feelings can really lead to emotional chaos.

 

It sounds like you know what you have to do, you just have to muster the courage to do it.

[bubble77]

Thank you all for considering the issues and not just the 'judgey' bit. I'll express thanks in turn:

 

DTK3: I like what you said about black, white and grey...and needing to act in the here and now. When all this crazy stuff began I was so broken up inside that I cared little about anything. Now I'm working on getting my head straight it's like the fog has lifted and I'm doing what I did the other night...looking in the mirror, despairing at what I've become. There is fear, I know that. Rarely in my life have I ever felt safe and I think it manifests itself in clinging to situations which do me no favours at all...not to mention those around me. Thank you for your words, it's hard to hear but certainly not incorrect.

[bubble77]

Velvette: Thank you, yes, I think counselling is the way forward. It's overdue but better late than never. X

[bubble77]

Lovebug: Wow, you really hit on some things for me there. I work in a people based caring profession too and therefore seem to spend all my time in that role. Funny how it's natural for me to help others yet I struggle to take my own advice. Crazy! I will have a look at the codependancy thing. I put up with a lot in relationships and then I think I get so angry that I sort of 'pull the pin out'...which I do see as me trying to show how much it's upsetting me...that's wrong though, I know that.

 

It made me sad to hear what you've been through. ..I totally see how that happened and could see myself doing the same thing...especially since your H's brother had died. ..you wanted to ease his pain. It's a shame that our compasses are perhaps a little off for that and we help beyond help! Hugs to you x

[bubble77]

FusionCutter: Thank you for more clear speak. Yes, I get about the bad behaviour and I know I've engaged in it. And yes, I know what I have to do.

[DKT3]

FusionCutter: Thank you for more clear speak. Yes, I get about the bad behaviour and I know I've engaged in it. And yes, I know what I have to do.

 

You need a plan, there will be tough decisions. First end it with your AP. The odds that he is part man part your minds creature is about 90%. Meaning its very unlikely there is much there outside of an escape, or way to feel better about yourself for a short time. Then the guilt and shame come crashing down around you.

 

Secondly, find a therapist. The healthier you are, the better your decisions will be going forward.

 

Third, deal with your relationship. Doesn't sound like you guys communicate well. I will bet he has as much resentment towards you as you have towards him. Its rare that only one partner in a relationship is either happy or unhappy. Deal with this relationship before you even think about starting or continuing another one.

 

I just have the feeling that once you get healthy neither of these guys will seem like much of an option. You have one who seems emotionally detached and another who seems to prey on you being in a bad spot. PS that is no friend BTW.

[emy99]

i've suffered the same problem my friend became you know just awful all the time i think he is in anther relationship i love him and i want him to stay with me:(:(:(:(

[Miss Clavel]

So please, before anyone else judges me, I'm not some heartless scarlet woman who 'puts it about' with anyone who asks...nor do I not care. I was sad, lonely and the shoulder to cry on (I was his shoulder too) got way out of hand. I just want to get things right going forward.

 

then don't sit still, MOVE. if you can have happiness and amazing sex with your AP then chances are you can find that again, when you're free.

 

go NC. then speak to your "roommate" and tell him what you are prepared to do for him while he seeks treatment at a 12 step program.

 

if he goes into a 28 day hospital stay i would use the time to declutter the house, pack things up, clean and evaluate the relationship. when he comes out, let him know you've been "unfaithful" in the past because he "wasn't there" emotionally.

 

let him have his say. commit to him or move on and find someone ELSE.

[bubble77]

Ok...I've done it. I contacted AP and have ended it. I feel tearful and empty. I explained to him why and I know that's contrary to what some here advised but I had to tread my own path and do what felt right. I now know that I want to live more closely with what I see as my right path and yes, I don't want highs/lows/deception to be part of how I live.

 

Now to deal with the loss and keep moving towards living more authentically.