BrotherAaron Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 First off, I'm new to this forum because, until now, i was happy in a relationship, and I wanted to say that it's a great place. Already I've been helped by reading other people's experiences, but I need more help. I need advice; I need to hear what I already know, and what I haven't thought of yet. I met the girl in high school. She was 15, and I had just turned 17. We were young, and we were each other's firsts in many different ways. I dated her for my second two years of high school, stayed in my home town to wait for her to graduate, and then came to college with her. The connection I feel to her is intense. It's not a feeling, it's a need; it's a longing when she's gone, a worry when she's in trouble, and a feeling of absolute ecstasy when she's around. I think of her as no less than my soulmate. There are a thousand and one ways that I need her, and the three years where she needed me the same way are still so fresh in my mind, it feels like it was just yesterday. Sometime it feels like it's not over yet. We were coasting along great, or so I thought, until she met him. She was spending time with him, more than I was confortable with, but she reassured me that she had no interest. "You're my baby" she tells me. "He's my friend, he'd never do that to me" I thought. Yes, I was jealous... but everyone says that jealousy is unhealthy. I tried to be less jealous, when I should have been more. She called me on a monday upset. Not sad, but angry, and not with me, but with a mutual friend. "John told everyone that I made out with David, but I didn't, and I just wanted to tell you that before you heard from someone that it was true." When I press her about it later, the truth comes out. She tells me that she did make out with him, for half an hour. She tells me it felt good. Better than it ever does when we kiss. It made her shake and moan. (Keep twisting that knife, honey, I think I still have a semblance of positivity somewhere in there you can destroy.) This is where she starts feeding me lines. Nothing but lines. It's like she's a pullstring breakup barbie doll, telling me everything someone would tell me in a situation like that. "Kissing him was a mistake... it just happened... but now I know I need some time to myself." She tells me that this is a break... not an ending, just a trial, and we'll most likely get back together. This is where my world becomes a bloody nightmare. There's a trap waiting at every turn. Every friend I have her is a mutual friend. Half of them are giving me the advice that they are because they don't want her to hurt him and they don't give a **** about me. I live in the dorms at my school, and she lives in a room across the courtyard facing mine. He lives just a few doors down from me. I see her go to him. I know when she's home, and when she's gone, in spite of myself. I know when she's in his room. A lot of stuff has happened between us since that monday. We got back together, after she begged me, and then she told me she wanted out. Then we got back together because I cried and she wanted to think I was going to be fine. Of course this didn't last, and we broke up again, this time on my initiative but not my want. I could tell she didn't want to be there. "If you don't want to be here, don't be here" I told her. I've told her a lot of things that I regret. I've told her everything from "**** you/I hate you/I never want to see you again" to "i love you/i need you/i want you back". I'm sure she's sick of hearing about it by now; I'm sick of talking about it. But it's out there, because you can't take back what you say, no matter how bad you want to. Now she says she wants to be friends still. She's not doing the blow-off "want to be friends" either. I stopped calling her... for a day anyway. She called me because she wanted to hang out, go longboarding, go eat together. She wants to hold my hand, hug me for exessively long amounts of time, and even lay in the grass cuddling. She wants to kiss me, but controls herself. Then she tells me that she only has a little longer because she's got somewhere to go with David. Just when I let myself accept that I need to move on, she notices. She doesn't let it happen. Maybe she misses me too, I tell myself. That's the hope that keeps me from going anywhere. I need to move on with my life, and forget about her. That's what I need. What I want is to make her miss me in the incredible way I miss her so that I can take her back in a glorious made-for-TV movie moment so that my life will be perfect again. Here I am waiting for her like everyone says that I shouldn't. I can't forget about her, and I can't convince myself that she wont ever want me back. Because maybe she will. I see her, she lives right there, and so does he, so I can't get away from her. And she calls me when I ignore her, and tells me that she wants me in her life. She wants me to reassure her, and cuddle when she's lonely. She just doesn't want to kiss me, or be there for me. It's no longer a give-take relationship. I'm giving everything. I've already given her everything. I feel like Romeo at the end of the tragedy, holding my dead Juliet in my arms wishing to die. She may be gone as far as I can see, but she just can't tell me that she needs me in the exact same way. That's what I tell myself, anyway. How do I get over her? How do I forget her? How do I get her back? and what do I do?
NTB Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 it's rough and it sucks and you'll feel like your killing yourself for it but it is the best way..i am doing it and i mean i have good ones and then i have bad ones but i gotta keep doing it.......you gotta do it you need time time to figure things out and time to just be able to move on if she calls don't pick up i know it is easier for me to say than for you to do believe me i know cause i jumped everytime my ex called but you gotta do it she'll miss you when you have NC take that time to figure out if you really want this girl, i mean dude if i was you and she told me kissing another guy was better than kissing me i would really be thinkin twice about returning to that relationship...... nc is the best for right now........that's just my 2 cents hope it gets better for you
EC Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 She's very confused about you and your right she is using you as her little cuddle me elmo doll when she is lonely. It will hurt and it will feel like a bomb exploding in your heart but you have to stop contact with her or you will end up riding a never ending rollercoaster. This is the equation right now you+her+david=CONFUSION You need to take yourself out of there so that you wont be part of the confusion..do I make sense? I know its hard, and when she calls you will want to run because you need her to breathe but you need to let her know you have found an oxygen tank and your going to be alright! She can't continue to play with your emotions like that..she says he kisses better..then used that as an excuse that because of the kiss she realized she needs a break and to be byherself...but then she continues to still see david?? I mean she doesn't know what she wants..or she is not ready to be as serious as you are. Like NTB said..NC and you have bad days where you will be lying in bed remembering all the times until these unseen force makes you burst into tears and grab the sheets so hard, and you feel like you can't breathe..but then once you let it out you will have the good days. In which you start loving yourself and telling yourself YOU KNOW WHAT...... HER LOSS!!!! Your going to be ok.
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