laelithia Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Hi Everyone, I've posted a few times on here, mostly trying to find ways in which to get my ex back. However, as it is over 3 months since the break up of a very short but intense relationship, I'm starting to realize the chance of reconciliation is very small. In addition, the way my ex has acted since the break up has made me question whether I would want him back again. Here is some context of the relationship (he is 23, 22 when we met and I am 25). This is long, so if you like, skip to #30 at the end: 1. We originally started off as fwb, as we were both out of recent relationships and didn't want the pressure of commitment. 2. Over time, we both started developing feelings (I did not think he did at this time, but I realize his actions showed much more than fwb behavior. For instance, he used to call me every day after work, we would see each other every day, not just to have sex. The sex was amazing though, and that was clearly a large part of our relationship). 3. I told him I could no longer continue our fwb arrangement as I was feeling more. He said he was starting to too, but that he couldn't do a relationship at this point in his life as he was just starting his career and didn't know if he was going to stay in the city or not (he had moved from across the country with some friends). 4. I started dating someone else, he kept in contact with me the whole time and said he didn't want to loose me out of his life. 5. Things with my new relationship did not work out (lasted about 3 months), and he begs me to try again with him, saying he realized he was stupid to let me go. 6. I wait a month to see if he sticks around, he does, so I decide to give it a shot. 7. The relationship goes well at first, we are both happy and having fun. That being said, he is quite insecure and hounds me about talking to certain people (male and female) and we get into arguments often over it. 8. At some point, I begin taking him for granted and turn every small thing into a huge argument. He tries his best to prove how much he cares about me, and to put me at ease. But I am uncomfortable with the amount of time he tries to spend time with his friends without me, even though we see each other almost every night. That being said, he does everything I have looked for so long in a boyfriend. He remembers what I like, buys me flowers and gifts to cheer me up, pays attention to how I text and if I seem upset makes sure I'm okay. When I'm sad, he tries to make me laugh and cheer me up. He helps me move, and stands up for me when his friends question our relationship. Tells me how much he cares about me, and really makes an effort to make me happy. 9. About 3 months into the relationship, he goes away for the weekend and when he gets back, he tells me he is going to spend time with his friends and sister and see me later that night. I'm upset and hurt that he doesn't want to see me first after being away, so we argue about it. 10. This argument leads me to immaturely bluff and say I'm ending things, expecting him to fight for it, as he had in the past. This time he does not. 11. I try and apologize minutes later, as I realize my mistake. He says he needs the day to think 12. I'm miserable for the rest of the day and night, can't eat, threw up, can't sleep, etc. Finally at 7ish the next morning I text him and ask what is going on. 13. He says the mature things is for us to break up. When I ask for another chance, he says he needs time. I give him a week, more of me feeling sick. 14. A week in, I ask how he is doing. We make small talk, and he says he wants to remain friends. I'm shocked, as I did not think we were officially broken up as it was all over text and when I asked if it was over or not, he always answered "I don't know". 15. We talk here in there sporadically for the next week or two, mostly him asking me for space. I eventually get frustrated that he has not returned my things and demand for them back, he keeps saying he's not ready. Eventually I contact his sister to help get my things and he answers me. 16. We finally meet to exchange things, he is tearful and says that the entire relationship and the ending has broken him, that he is miserable most nights. 17. One day after I call him late at night after being at a party and missing him terribly. Someone made a move on me during the night and I felt very upset. I told him this, and he begins to cry and get enraged, saying me doing this to him is going to lead to him hurting himself. I make him promise me he will be ok and I give him more space. 18. Again we have sporadic contact for a few weeks. He asks if I'm seeing anyone, I say no and ask if he is, he also says no. One day, I have a strange feeling and decide to drive by his house (I realize how wrong this is, I just couldn't shake this feeling). I drive by his house and just as I do, he is leaving outside with his ex who lives out of town. I am heartbroken. 19. He sees me, says to leave him alone and that he isn't dating her. I stop contacting him. 20. We don't have contact for a while, but soon he contacts me saying he doesn't want to end on bad terms and that he wants me in his life as a friend. And again insists he isn't dating her or anyone else. I agree because I don't know what else to do. 21. A couple weeks go by, and we occasionally meet up to have sex. It is clear now that he only wants that, and has no intention of getting back together whenever I ask. He says "I don't know" or "not right now, but I don't know what will happen in the future". I am miserable because this person is so different than the one when we dated and the one that fought for me. He used to be so sweet and loving, I can't reconcile the two people. 22. As I'm having these feelings of regret, I have that strange feeling again. He tells me he is going out of town to see his friend, who I know is close to his ex. I ask him if he is going to see her, he gets angry and says no and that he doesn't need to explain himself. However, I trust my gut and I look at his ex's instagram page, and low and behold he went to see her and there is a picture of them together carving pumpkins. Again, I am devastated, this time because he lied straight to my face. 23. I confront him the next time I see him, and he says they are only friends and he didn't tell me because he knew I would get upset. He seems afraid I might contact her though, so that of course sends up a red flag. I ask him if he plans on dating her in the future, and he again says he doesn't know the future. 24. I try and be the bigger person and maintain "friendship" with him, I still have a hard time letting this person go, as it will almost be a year since we met. Since then, we have never not been in contact. However, I am still hurt over this and everything that has happened, I begin to lash out at him. During this time, he says he is depressed and that he has thoughts of ending his life again. Of course this causes me to change my tune and I try and help him. He says I am the only person in his life that he can talk to about these things. 25. I tell my close friends about all of this, even my parents when he talked about suicide. They beg me to stop contacting him, I say I will and pull away from him 26. He starts to act "better", telling me he will never try and hurt himself again and that he deeply wants me to stay in his life as a friend, but that he will understand if I can't do it. 27. I maintain limited contact with him, assuming I can do it and maybe even become close enough that dating might be a possibility again. 28. We become on good enough terms that I can ask him about the relationship and what went wrong and if he would ever see us together again. He says this "I was miserable and didn't feel treated properly. I was embarrassed of letting myself give up. And I opened up more than I wanted to. That is it." I ask him if there is more, like a clash of personalities that I am too uptight or that I am a city girl and he is not. He says "Not the city part. But that you always thought the bad. You always thought I was doing something wrong. You never gave me the benefit of the doubt or saw how much I wanted to do for you. And you never back down and apologize. You just fought and always made small things into a huge fight. I never felt as if I could tell you any of this or even talk to you". I ask why if he is clearly physically attracted to me, cares about me, wants me in his life and for me to be happy, why he doesn't give me a second chance. He says "because I was hurt deep and scared. I'm still scared. And as much as you have changed I still see flash backs with both of us. I do wrong too but it's still there and it hurt too much. I wasn't ready. I don't expect you to understand but it all made sense in my crazy head". He also earlier said "I know we honestly hate things about each other and fight. But we don't hate each other. There is an underlying love that won't go. but we can't have it. it would wreck us both. This doesn't mean we can't help each other where we are needed and be humans with each other. I'm done being a monster to you. It's over" 29. We again have limited contact, still trying to be friends. However, I become obsessed with the idea of sleeping with him again, so last night I did. He tells me afterwards that he is going to see his friend again, and I of course ask if he is going to see his ex. He says he isn't, but of course I'm not convinced. I leave it at that though, and I leave. We talk a bit this morning, and then he says he'll be busy so have a good day. I'm of course certain at this point that he is going to see his ex. 30. Here we are now. I don't even know how to feel. I want to move on from all this, but when I think about how much of a wonderful boyfriend he was and how badly I treated him, I'm filled with energy to try and convince him to give me another shot. My friends think that it never would have lasted even if I had been a good girlfriend, but I can't shake the feeling like I put myself in this position by taking him for granted. So I guess my question is, how do you move on when you feel like it was solely your fault for causing the end of a relationship you truly valued?
dclan Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Ok well this is a bit complicated, but I see 2 problems, you should explain a bit more: 1) One of the things that seemed to upset both him and you, is the fact that he is in sort of contact with his ex, and that you talk to other guys (even if they are just friends). So my question is: what is your prior relationship history? (both of you) because you said you were both out of serious relationships before the whole FWB thing-- and why did those relationships ended? 2) You guys saw each other everyday, and he seemed to leave often to "meet with friends", so maybe he is feeling a lil bit suffocated. You guys see each other everyday because you want to? or because you have to? (maybe you are work buddies or something).
Author laelithia Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 Ok well this is a bit complicated, but I see 2 problems, you should explain a bit more: 1) One of the things that seemed to upset both him and you, is the fact that he is in sort of contact with his ex, and that you talk to other guys (even if they are just friends). So my question is: what is your prior relationship history? (both of you) because you said you were both out of serious relationships before the whole FWB thing-- and why did those relationships ended? 2) You guys saw each other everyday, and he seemed to leave often to "meet with friends", so maybe he is feeling a lil bit suffocated. You guys see each other everyday because you want to? or because you have to? (maybe you are work buddies or something). Thanks for your reply. To answer your questions, prior to this relationship i ended a 6 year relationship with someone else. However, that break up was a long time coming and I was ovwr him long before the actual split. My ex told me he had dated his ex as more of a fwb situation, but that was clearly a lie as she is friends with his friends and they seem to have some sort of history together. He said they broke up bevause he moved here. We saw each other almost everyday because we wanted to, or at least it seemed that way. It was rare if we didn't sleep next to each other each night
dclan Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 (edited) Thanks for your reply. To answer your questions, prior to this relationship i ended a 6 year relationship with someone else. However, that break up was a long time coming and I was ovwr him long before the actual split. My ex told me he had dated his ex as more of a fwb situation, but that was clearly a lie as she is friends with his friends and they seem to have some sort of history together. He said they broke up bevause he moved here. We saw each other almost everyday because we wanted to, or at least it seemed that way. It was rare if we didn't sleep next to each other each night But regarding his previous relationship...did he got dumped? or did he break it off? You see in my opinion this is happening: a) Maybe the girl dumped him for another guy, or cheated on him. This could very well explain his "jelousy", and why he gets angry that you talk to other man. He is insecure about relationships. b) He could still have feelings for his ex... If he is the one that got dumped, it would reinforce this theory. His relationship was defintly not FWB, if it was long term....a FWB usually lasts a few months, then it either becomes something serious, or they split. c) I believe your relationship moved too fast for him: he had just gotten out a long relationship, and you guys started as FWB; then you sort of pushed for something more serious....something he may have not been ready for, and he started feeling suffocated, specially if you guys saw each other every day. You need to understand that, even if he truly likes you, he WAS in a long relationship. I suppose that, since he is young, he might had planned to have a period of having fun being single. So even if he truly likes you he probably has a big mess inside his head: - On one side, his feelings for you. - On the other side, his feelings for his ex. - On a third side, his desire to be single and have fun. Finally, I could add, as a minor reason, he is not living in his home town right? maybe his ex and his friends give him some nostalgia. Does he have a job? school? something permanent in the town you guys live? Because, maybe he is also considering moving back there, which in turn would give him another reason to break up with you. IMHO thats the reason he doesn't want to be in a relationship, yet calls you and misses you, then dissapears back and forth. He doesn't know what he wants, because he wants too many things. I believe this breakup was mostly because of bad timing. If maybe you guys had met in like 6 months, things might have been different. Edited November 9, 2014 by dclan
Author laelithia Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 But regarding his previous relationship...did he got dumped? or did he break it off? You see in my opinion this is happening: a) Maybe the girl dumped him for another guy, or cheated on him. This could very well explain his "jelousy", and why he gets angry that you talk to other man. He is insecure about relationships. b) He could still have feelings for his ex... If he is the one that got dumped, it would reinforce this theory. His relationship was defintly not FWB, if it was long term....a FWB usually lasts a few months, then it either becomes something serious, or they split. c) I believe your relationship moved too fast for him: he had just gotten out a long relationship, and you guys started as FWB; then you sort of pushed for something more serious....something he may have not been ready for, and he started feeling suffocated, specially if you guys saw each other every day. You need to understand that, even if he truly likes you, he WAS in a long relationship. I suppose that, since he is young, he might had planned to have a period of having fun being single. So even if he truly likes you he probably has a big mess inside his head: - On one side, his feelings for you. - On the other side, his feelings for his ex. - On a third side, his desire to be single and have fun. Finally, I could add, as a minor reason, he is not living in his home town right? maybe his ex and his friends give him some nostalgia. Does he have a job? school? something permanent in the town you guys live? Because, maybe he is also considering moving back there, which in turn would give him another reason to break up with you. IMHO thats the reason he doesn't want to be in a relationship, yet calls you and misses you, then dissapears back and forth. He doesn't know what he wants, because he wants too many things. I believe this breakup was mostly because of bad timing. If maybe you guys had met in like 6 months, things might have been different. Thank you so much for your insight. He broke up with her to move here, I'm quite sure she kept having feelings for him though (kept all their pictures up on fb, stayed in touch with his sister and best friend, etc.). Anyway, as I suspected he lied about not seeing her today. Less than 12 hours after being intimate with me I see a new picture of him and his ex with her mom no less. Clearly it's much more than he said. I'm kind of bewildered at this point, I'm not even sure I should bother confronting him
dclan Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Thank you so much for your insight. He broke up with her to move here, I'm quite sure she kept having feelings for him though (kept all their pictures up on fb, stayed in touch with his sister and best friend, etc.). Anyway, as I suspected he lied about not seeing her today. Less than 12 hours after being intimate with me I see a new picture of him and his ex with her mom no less. Clearly it's much more than he said. I'm kind of bewildered at this point, I'm not even sure I should bother confronting him My advice would be to move on. His break up with his ex girlfriend was, sort of forced (because he was moving, not because he didn't like her). Yet, every weekend he goes to visit his family and friends, he'll probably meet with her...
Author laelithia Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 My advice would be to move on. His break up with his ex girlfriend was, sort of forced (because he was moving, not because he didn't like her). Yet, every weekend he goes to visit his family and friends, he'll probably meet with her... Yes I agree. I don't understand why he continues to try to talk to and see me if he wants to be with her. But I will just ignore him from now on. I was thinking of messaging the her to let her know what's going on but I'm worried it will backfire on me somehow
dclan Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Yes I agree. I don't understand why he continues to try to talk to and see me if he wants to be with her. But I will just ignore him from now on. I was thinking of messaging the her to let her know what's going on but I'm worried it will backfire on me somehow Well he does have some feelings for you, thats why he calls. Obviously he has more memories and feelings for his ex, besides she is friends with his friends. Lot of history. More attachment.
Author laelithia Posted November 11, 2014 Author Posted November 11, 2014 Well he does have some feelings for you, thats why he calls. Obviously he has more memories and feelings for his ex, besides she is friends with his friends. Lot of history. More attachment. It seems that way. It's so frustrating to me that he is clearly going back to her but still contacting me and trying to see me. I don't know why it matters but she is significantly less attractive and ambitious than me, I just don't get it
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