Art_Critic Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Nope. Wait until he has been fully and 100% divorced for seven months - at least... What she said
RebelWithoutACause Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I STRONGLY disagree with the majority here. I am separated and have absolutely no emotional attachment to my stbxh nor will we ever get back together. The signing of divorce papers is a formality. Which, on top, can take years. It's ridiculous not to date if you feel ready to date. I don't think the risk of things not working out is higher with somebody who's separated vs. somebody who's divorced or single. 3
Art_Critic Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I STRONGLY disagree with the majority here. I am separated and have absolutely no emotional attachment to my stbxh nor will we ever get back together. The signing of divorce papers is a formality. Which, on top, can take years. It's ridiculous not to date if you feel ready to date. I don't think the risk of things not working out is higher with somebody who's separated vs. somebody who's divorced or single. But you are not available... you are married to someone else.. it sucks but that is the reality, I agree that it is ridiculous for you to not date but you can't marry someone else and dating a guy who is looking to get married would be a mismatch until you are actually divorced and have processed the divorce emotionally. 2
veggirl Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I'm not the product of divorce nor have I been divorced, but aren't the divorces that take years to finalize the ones that are full of drama and people who can't agree on a solution? Why would you want to be a part of that?
veggirl Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 So... if you were in the UK or Ireland and you had to wait between 2 and 4 years to get a divorce... you would abstain from dating completely, because people who date while separated "just can't be alone"? I mean... My mom and step dad were already living together when my step dad's divorce was finalised. They were planning their wedding. I think the 7 months might be too early, but purely from a recovery point of view. Not because he is still technically married. 4 years is a long time. 2 isn't. To heal from a MARRIAGE? Seems like something that would take a couple years to fully get over, yeah. 1
anne1707 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I'm not the product of divorce nor have I been divorced, but aren't the divorces that take years to finalize the ones that are full of drama and people who can't agree on a solution? Why would you want to be a part of that? In the UK, a long divorce can actually make for a far easier, less painful process. If you wait 2 years and both agree to divorce then there is no need to cite cause. If both don't agree then at 5 years, you can divorce even if the other still does not agree (again with not having to state the cause). All in all, it can mean less fighting, less bitterness and less money being spent on solicitors. It can actually help you to move on because you are not having to "fight" with your stbx. 2
mortensorchid Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Wait until he's moved out of the house and signed the papers. Otherwise it's a no no. He's still married to that woman and he will remain so until they have signed the papers. I know a couple who is separated. One lives here, the other moved to Florida and has lived there for the last 25 YEARS. I would not put it past him that he probably has another wife and kids down there, but they are still legally married to one another. Would YOU want to date a man in that situation? If the answer is "I don't know" or "I'm not sure", then you have to ask yourself some other questions as well. He's still unavailable even though separated is not the same as divorced. 1
PogoStick Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I have been chatting to a guy on OKC for a month or so. I like him (so far) but he has been separated for only 7 months. He assures me that he is emotionally stable and is looking to move on. Should I meet him? I am afraid that I will meet him, like him and get hurt + just waste time. I am finally ready for a relationship again. Why would meeting him set you up to be hurt? A couple dates isn't much of an emotional investment. Go out and see how it feels, just like you would with any other guy. 2
PogoStick Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I STRONGLY disagree with the majority here. I am separated and have absolutely no emotional attachment to my stbxh nor will we ever get back together. The signing of divorce papers is a formality. Which, on top, can take years. It's ridiculous not to date if you feel ready to date. I don't think the risk of things not working out is higher with somebody who's separated vs. somebody who's divorced or single. For me, the marriage was over long before we ever agreed to the divorce. I had emotionally detached many months before. After selling our house and parting ways, we kept the legal marriage for an entire year for legal and insurance reasons. I started dating a girl a week before we even moved apart and that relationship ended up going 2 years. I consider that a successful relationship. 1
TouchedByViolet Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I don't understand the problem... go on a date. 7 months is plenty for some people to move on from any relationship. A date isn't a waste of time... just meet him and feel him out... too many assumptions about this guy IMO 2
xxoo Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 The risk I see, as I've seen it play out, is that someone who is separated and really wanting help moving on can come on strong, and then back off suddenly once things should be getting serious because "I'm still married". 2
curlygirl40 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I have been chatting to a guy on OKC for a month or so. I like him (so far) but he has been separated for only 7 months. He assures me that he is emotionally stable and is looking to move on. Should I meet him? I am afraid that I will meet him, like him and get hurt + just waste time. I am finally ready for a relationship again. This is the problem with newly separated/divorced men. They really do think that they are ready. But they are not. And they can't possibly know this until later on down the line. I pretty much spent my entire year on a newly divorced guy. Because I had been down this road before (I'm a slow learner!!!) I was very skeptical. I told him this. He assured me he was ready. He said he's not a dater. He would never date someone just for 'weekend fun'. He's relationship minded. He went to therapy and spent 9 months alone before deciding to date. He did everything 'right'. 4 months ish in he started pulling away. I asked him about it at the 6 month mark. He said he's too scared. As we speak he's on OKCupid trying to meet other girls and to see what else is out there. Have you heard the saying 'you don't know what you don't know'? That's what this is. He doesn't know that he's not ready. Which is why he will tell you that he's ready. Stay away. For sure. 4
curlygirl40 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I STRONGLY disagree with the majority here. I am separated and have absolutely no emotional attachment to my stbxh nor will we ever get back together. The signing of divorce papers is a formality. Which, on top, can take years. It's ridiculous not to date if you feel ready to date. I don't think the risk of things not working out is higher with somebody who's separated vs. somebody who's divorced or single. Not saying that separated people can't date. I dated a ton. But I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. The issue here is that ES is saying she's ready for a relationship. And people who are newly separated or newly divorced are too risky to try to have a relationship with. For many reason. Not just that they might not be over the marriage or not just because they might go back to their spouse. Mostly because they need time. Time to figure out what they want, time to enjoy time with their friends if they were missing that, time to get settled on their own and figure out who they are as a single person. Someone who has been married a long time also might want to see what else is out there and MANY people (men and women) want to just have short flings with no responsibility to answer to someone else. All of that is fine if they are honest about what they are looking for. However for someone (like me or like OP) who is seriously ready for a relationship, this person is too risky for us. Even if they 'think' they are ready, they are not. Yes, everyone can come on and give us examples of people that it worked out for. My own sister is in a relationship that was started immediately after her separation. They've been together 5 years and doing well. BUT they are in the minority. 1
ThaWholigan Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I think you're probably better off not going much further with this one. It appears you're ready for something with a level of substance and not much mess. Dating someone who is still attached to someone else - even if it's only by paper at this point - is not the best situation to be in as it's even less of a certainty that something significant will come of it, that will be healthy for you in the long run. Dead ends happen, but I get the feeling you'd rather be minimizing them at this point. In any case, I do actually agree with Carrie + the others. It's a situation that can work at times, but I don't think it will for you. 1
Tayken Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Rebound, infatuation, need to be loved, spitefulness, delusions.......cloud the thinking of separated men and women. I personally won't want to walk into a situation where the person has ongoing family court matter going on, as well as constant fighting in the form of child services etc. This will be a red flag for me because that could end up being you in the future, so look in the mirror pal. 3
writergal Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 The risk I see, as I've seen it play out, is that someone who is separated and really wanting help moving on can come on strong, and then back off suddenly once things should be getting serious because "I'm still married". That's exactly what happened to me with the separated guy whom I dated. After three months of dating and sleeping together, he sends me an email (the coward) to say he's decided to reconcile with his wife and wished me well. Not even a "I'm sorry I hurt you." Jerk. This is the problem with newly separated/divorced men. They really do think that they are ready. But they are not. And they can't possibly know this until later on down the line. I pretty much spent my entire year on a newly divorced guy. Because I had been down this road before (I'm a slow learner!!!) I was very skeptical. I told him this. He assured me he was ready. He said he's not a dater. He would never date someone just for 'weekend fun'. He's relationship minded. He went to therapy and spent 9 months alone before deciding to date. He did everything 'right'. 4 months ish in he started pulling away. I asked him about it at the 6 month mark. He said he's too scared. As we speak he's on OKCupid trying to meet other girls and to see what else is out there. Have you heard the saying 'you don't know what you don't know'? That's what this is. He doesn't know that he's not ready. Which is why he will tell you that he's ready. Stay away. For sure. I agree with you that newly divorced or separated men are in denial about their emotional healing/availability for a new relationship. If he has to convince you he's ready, he really isn't. 1
Brooke02 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I agree with all these statements. Don't do it! He has unfinished business that needs to be finished first. What if he goes back to his wife? Wife drama What if you go with him for a year & he's still not divorced? You can't move forward.. It's happened to me... Never again. Not only that, 7 months? It needs to be longer than that.. AND legally divorced. 1
Woggle Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I would actually wait until he has been divorced for at least a year. 3
BluEyeL Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 The problem with separated people is not that they will necessarily get back together with their spouse (I did go back and forth with my ex-H for 3 years after the divorce, btw), or that they shouldn't date, they should date and are ready to date and have sex. But that they generally are not emotionally ready to get in a serious relationship so soon after ending a long marriage. They need to rebound, to have flings etc. Like Curly40 said, they don't even know it themselves. I know of women who've been there and it didn't end well. I went once on a couple of dates with a man who had been divorced 5 months at the time and he said that his last relationship ended because the girl wanted more and he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. He said "I wasn't even divorced yet!!". So, that's the main problem. There are exceptions, but they're very rare. So, in general, I don't give these people a chance because they are very high risk of failure. Why go out with them and waste time? 1
ScreaminEagle Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 The problem with separated people is not that they will necessarily get back together with their spouse (I did go back and forth with my ex-H for 3 years after the divorce, btw), or that they shouldn't date, they should date and are ready to date and have sex. But that they generally are not emotionally ready to get in a serious relationship so soon after ending a long marriage. They need to rebound, to have flings etc. Like Curly40 said, they don't even know it themselves. I know of women who've been there and it didn't end well. I went once on a couple of dates with a man who had been divorced 5 months at the time and he said that his last relationship ended because the girl wanted more and he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. He said "I wasn't even divorced yet!!". So, that's the main problem. There are exceptions, but they're very rare. So, in general, I don't give these people a chance because they are very high risk of failure. Why go out with them and waste time? Very nicely worded. But for someone who doesn't mind that behavior and exhibits it themselves, someone separated might be a perfect match. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 10, 2014 Author Posted November 10, 2014 Thanks for the advice guys. This morning I sent him this email: I have come to a decision that I don't want to date a separated man. To me it's about the same as having an affair as separated still means "legally married". Even if you were to argue the semantics of that, I know that I want a fully committed relationship which I don't feel you (or anyone newly separated) has the capacity to give me. Take care and all the best. 6
ScreaminEagle Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 Thanks for the advice guys. This morning I sent him this email: I have come to a decision that I don't want to date a separated man. To me it's about the same as having an affair as separated still means "legally married". Even if you were to argue the semantics of that, I know that I want a fully committed relationship which I don't feel you (or anyone newly separated) has the capacity to give me. Take care and all the best. Very nicely worded email. Doesn't seem like a harsh let down at all. That has been a huge deal breaker for me, the "separated" status. Some states you are legally married, some are legally separated. I find that there will always be that baggage looming in the background, no matter how amicable the separation might be. 1
RebelWithoutACause Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 (edited) But you are not available... you are married to someone else.. it sucks but that is the reality, I agree that it is ridiculous for you to not date but you can't marry someone else and dating a guy who is looking to get married would be a mismatch until you are actually divorced and have processed the divorce emotionally. There's a distinction between being emotionally available and being legally available. I personally had moved on emotionally from my marriage 18 months before we physically separated but we stayed in the same house together for financial reasons mostly. If the OP thinks it's "safer" for her to not get involved she's entitled to do so. And although I'm not dating, if I were and someone rejected me because i was not divorced yet I'd find this perfectly reasonable. But for me, i would be even more open to "finding love" because I had been stuck in a unhappy relationship for a very long time. I think many separated/divorced people feel the same way. For me feelings > paperwork. But this is just my experience and my perspective. Edited November 10, 2014 by RebelWithoutACause
howcouldInotknow Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 I have to agree with the others here. Most men in the process of divorce don't want to admit it but they are so messed up and emotionally unstable. It's emotional suicide to date a guy in this phase. If the chemistry is real it will be there later on. He misses the physical and emotional closeness of being married and they try to fill this space. I dated a separated guy. When I met him he was separated for a year. We dated for over a year we got engaged and he still gave the marriage one more shot before finalizing the divorce. It hurt but it was a lesson. My friend is divorcing his cheating wife and I have so much respect for him because he refuses to date. Because he knows emotionally he cannot be what a woman would need. 2
Tayken Posted November 15, 2014 Posted November 15, 2014 Most men in the process of divorce don't want to admit it but they are so messed up and emotionally unstable. It's emotional suicide to date a guy in this phase. Just so you know, the same applies to women also.....I have dumped 2 who had unfinished business with their ex's and still living in the same house with them.
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