Eternal Sunshine Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I have been chatting to a guy on OKC for a month or so. I like him (so far) but he has been separated for only 7 months. He assures me that he is emotionally stable and is looking to move on. Should I meet him? I am afraid that I will meet him, like him and get hurt + just waste time. I am finally ready for a relationship again.
CarrieT Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Nope. Wait until he has been fully and 100% divorced for seven months - at least... 9
Haerts Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Time is so relative. There was a guy who I use to date that it took me a couple hours to get over. There was another one that I dated for the same amount of time and it took me about 4 months to fully get over him. So really, time doesn't mean that much. If you're afraid, then go slow, but if you like him, why not take the chance? Just relax and see if he's really over his past relationship with time.
CarrieT Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 why not take the chance? Because technically he is still married and is not 100% available. 7
Haerts Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Nope. Wait until he has been fully and 100% divorced for seven months - at least... I really wonder why do people like to set a timer when it comes down to relationships. It goes different for everyone. So OP, like I said, if you're afraid, go slow, but if you're comfortable with trying then go for it. And it looks like you do want to try.
Tinroof53 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 If you've waited your whole life to meet a guy like him then wait a bit longer until his D is final. 2
writergal Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Nope. He's technically still married and unless you want to be his side affair, his emotional rebound, then proceed with caution my friend. I dated a separated guy who told me the same exact thing, and he broke up with me and went back to his wife. Left a very bad taste in my mouth for men who have that "separated" label. Will never date those kind again. Wait until he's divorced, minimum 1 year before you date a guy like that. 2
Tinroof53 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I really wonder why do people like to set a timer when it comes down to relationships. It goes different for everyone. So OP, like I said, if you're afraid, go slow, but if you're comfortable with trying then go for it. And it looks like you do want to try. A lot of guys in the process of divorcing go back to their wives before the D is finalized. Then it hurts the gal they started dating while separated. 3
Haerts Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Because technically he is still married and is not 100% available. He's separated though, not with her anymore. A friend of mine had been married for 3 years, separated at the end of 2013 and only got her divorce a month ago, yet a couple months after she got separated she started to see another guy and things went great for them. I just think that it depends on so many things, that I would give it a try, while going slow and seeing how things would go then
writergal Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 He's separated though, not with her anymore. A friend of mine had been married for 3 years, separated at the end of 2013 and only got her divorce a month ago, yet a couple months after she got separated she started to see another guy and things went great for them. I just think that it depends on so many things, that I would give it a try, while going slow and seeing how things would go then Until the person is divorced, they aren't in any condition to date another person. And anyone who gets involved with a separated person needs to know that their role is treated as more like a fling or hookup by the separated person. Plus, his wife may get jealous that he's on OKCupid talking to women, and ES could find herself dealing with an angry wife. Not to mention the other risks: he may still be sleeping with his wife, dating other women aside from ES, or may view ES as an emotional rebound before he returns to his wife. ES, do yourself a favor and pursue men who list their status as "single." You don't want to date a guy whose baggage includes his wife. 2
Tayken Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I really wonder why do people like to set a timer when it comes down to relationships. It goes different for everyone. So OP, like I said, if you're afraid, go slow, but if you're comfortable with trying then go for it. And it looks like you do want to try. Because it takes at least 2yrs for the average person to be psychologically ready to get back into it. Dating whilst separated is the most idiotic thing to do, especially when there is still legal wranglings going on. 2
Tayken Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 o yourself a favor and pursue men who list their status as "single." You don't want to date a guy whose baggage includes his wife. Fellas...the reverse applies to you too. I have dumped a couple of women who were separated, and another one was still living in the same house as her ex. She couldn't understand how after I found out, I didn't want anything to do with her. 2
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 Sigh. When is it my turn to meet the right guy? I am getting really fed up with this. 2
Tayken Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Sigh. When is it my turn to meet the right guy? I am getting really fed up with this. There could be one starring at you as we speak, or one on your street / block 1
writergal Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 ES don't despair. Separated people have no business dating until they finalize their divorce. I know you like this guy but he's not even divorced. He is lying to himself (and to you) when he claims he's emotionally ready. If you get involved with him now, he may hurt you. And you don't need that. You deserve to be with a man who is 100% emotionally free and clear from his previous relationship/marriage. This guy you met is still legally and emotionally tied to his wife. 2
BluEyeL Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Absolutely not. Don't go out with him and stop communication. Invite him to come back when he's been divorced at least one year. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I agree with the consensus. One of my absolute deal-breakers is "separated". And I'd be very wary of dating a guy who'd been divorced less than at least a year, preferably 2 or more. Sigh. When is it my turn to meet the right guy? I am getting really fed up with this. I feel ya. I've been on OLD a few weeks, and no luck. I suppose I will have to re-enter the real-world dating jungle again. Ahhhhhh! 4
BluEyeL Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I agree with the consensus. One of my absolute deal-breakers is "separated". And I'd be very wary of dating a guy who'd been divorced less than at least a year, preferably 2 or more. I feel ya. I've been on OLD a few weeks, and no luck. I suppose I will have to re-enter the real-world dating jungle again. Ahhhhhh! A few weeks is not enough. I've done OLD 18 months until I found a relationship. Also, I got more flexible on the "instant spark/chemistry" thing. And that's when it finally worked. 1
ASG Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 He's separated though, not with her anymore. A friend of mine had been married for 3 years, separated at the end of 2013 and only got her divorce a month ago, yet a couple months after she got separated she started to see another guy and things went great for them. I just think that it depends on so many things, that I would give it a try, while going slow and seeing how things would go then My mom and my step dad started dating way before my parents were divorced (but had been separated for a while). It's been over 20 years and they're still going strong. Here in the UK you have to wait for 2 years to get a divorce. How is it reasonable that you not date during that time?!?! 2
cactusgal Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Here in the UK you have to wait for 2 years to get a divorce. How is it reasonable that you not date during that time?!?! Yes, here in Ireland, you have to be separated for 4 years before you can get a divorce. I'm pretty sure most separated people date and get into relationships during those four years. It's hard to say. I think 7 months separated sounds a bit soon, but it's possible the marriage was on its last legs for a long while before that, so the recovery period may be less. 1
veggirl Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I agree with the others, hell no. To me, separated people who insist on dating just can't be alone. No good. Can you imagine being with a separated guy on the day his divorce is finalized? What if he gets all weepy and sad? lol no thanks. 2
ASG Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I agree with the others, hell no. To me, separated people who insist on dating just can't be alone. No good. Can you imagine being with a separated guy on the day his divorce is finalized? What if he gets all weepy and sad? lol no thanks. So... if you were in the UK or Ireland and you had to wait between 2 and 4 years to get a divorce... you would abstain from dating completely, because people who date while separated "just can't be alone"? I mean... My mom and step dad were already living together when my step dad's divorce was finalised. They were planning their wedding. I think the 7 months might be too early, but purely from a recovery point of view. Not because he is still technically married. 3
SunnySide0418 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Absolutely not. Don't go out with him and stop communication. Invite him to come back when he's been divorced at least one year. I completely agree with this!!! I am divorced and can tell you that there is a big difference between being separated and actually divorced. Save yourself the potential future heartache and move on. 1
Haydn Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I don't see the harm. Meet him, see what happens. Never been married. Just a legal break up. You could be surprised, everyone's experience is different.
xxoo Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 He assures me that he is emotionally stable and is looking to move on. I wouldn't date a separated man. Let him be on his own first. The bolded line could be a bit of a warning flag. He is looking to move on from his marriage (of course he is), but he hasn't already moved on from his marriage. He's may be still dealing with it far more than he'd like to be, thus the desire for new distracting romantic pursuits. If this is THE guy, he'll still be THE guy after he's divorced. Be the woman who tells him to take care of his business and look you up when he's put it behind him. That's attractive. 2
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