Mid-50s Men and Texting. Clueless or Indifferent?

[writergal]

Wow, no offense, but men like me dodge bullets when you have to refer to getting to know someone and having an M/O.

 

 

Communication should be reciprocal, not one sided. But hey, if it works for you, god bless ya! If it makes you happy, then that is all that counts.

 

 

I am merely stating my opinion that I would stay away from women like you with a ten foot pole. I don't need the games, or tests, things in life go both ways. You just do things differently, and I respect that.

 

Why are you and Tayken insinuating that Pumpkin's playing games? She's clearly not playing games. That assumption is as ridiculous as an episode of The Kardashians. :laugh:

 

Pumpkin clearly stated that he's pursued her from the start and initiated the communication. But then he left her hanging for an entire day when she responded to a text that he initiated with her question. Not responding timely to someone's text can and does imply a low level of interest from that person. It's a reasonable assumption to make.

[ScreaminEagle]

Why are you and Tayken insinuating that Pumpkin's playing games? She's clearly not playing games. That assumption is as ridiculous as an episode of The Kardashians. :laugh:

 

Pumpkin clearly stated that he's pursued her from the start and initiated the communication. But then he left her hanging for an entire day when she responded to a text that he initiated with her question. Not responding timely to someone's text can and does imply a low level of interest from that person. It's a reasonable assumption to make.

 

Hello WriterGal,

Pumpkin also clearly stated that the way she dates was her modus operandi, or her way of dating, waiting or not making contact with the person until they do, gauging their interest. Knowingly engaging in this behavior with another person is a form of game playing, in my opinion.

 

 

While this may work for her, I find that to be a form of cat and mouse, the chase game, and personally, I am not a fan of such behavior, although if it works for her, then that is fine.

 

 

In regards to him leaving her hanging, their is also the question to be answered about the age difference, the styles of dating, and the technology question, I do believe Pumpkin stated that she does act this way with other dating situations, and outlined the reasons.

[ScreaminEagle]

Thanks, Screaming.

 

I only do this in the beginning stages of dating. And yes, it's a method that works for me because I tend to get attached and swept up very easily. If I made decisions based on whatever emotion I'm feeling at the moment, those would be poor, ineffective choices that usually end up having the opposite result of what I'm looking to achieve.

 

That is totally understandable, becoming attached too quickly only to be let down is not a good feeling. But from a male perspective, if I constantly have to initiate contact and their is no reciprocity, then it is a turn off.

 

 

With that being said, I do see the reasons why you do it. As long as you achieve what you seek, then that is important. I am just merely saying that from my perspective it is draining to try and date someone who doesn't initiate, it leaves you wondering about many things. You maybe the exception to the rule but a large percentage of women I have dated who exhibited that behavior were playing games.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

That is totally understandable, becoming attached too quickly only to be let down is not a good feeling. But from a male perspective, if I constantly have to initiate contact and their is no reciprocity, then it is a turn off.

 

 

With that being said, I do see the reasons why you do it. As long as you achieve what you seek, then that is important. I am just merely saying that from my perspective it is draining to try and date someone who doesn't initiate, it leaves you wondering about many things. You maybe the exception to the rule but a large percentage of women I have dated who exhibited that behavior were playing games.

 

How about if you initiated, she says yes. The date ends up being fabulously sexy and smart. Date ends well.

 

You ask for a second date. Second date just as wonderful...and you know she is receptive because of her body language and vibrant conversation.

 

You ask for a third date...fourth date...she responds positively...and all along the dates get progressively better and more intimate and you're wildly attracted to each other.

 

All this in a matter of two weeks.

 

You would really be turned off and not ask for a fifth date because she didn't initiate anything?

 

Reciprocity doesn't necessarily mean eye for an eye and tooth for tooth. Reciprocity can come in the form of saying yes and letting a magical date serve as the response. I think that's much more sexier and fun than making the girl responsible for initiating half the time.

Edited November 10, 2014 by PumpkinLumpkin

[Tinroof53]

Thanks, Screaming.

 

I only do this in the beginning stages of dating. And yes, it's a method that works for me because I tend to get attached and swept up very easily. If I made decisions based on whatever emotion I'm feeling at the moment, those would be poor, ineffective choices that usually end up having the opposite result of what I'm looking to achieve.

 

But he isn't that interested - or interested enough to participate the way you want/expect him to participate. Yet you are pining away for his attention even though you say you have other prospects.

 

It's interesting you're so focused on him when he's not super focused on you.

 

He's busy doing other things. Busy men make time for the woman they are interested in. He's just not calling you.

 

Why not forget about him unless he steps up his interest level?

 

If he shows more interest then spend time thinking about him.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

It's interesting you're so focused on him when he's not super focused on you.

 

 

Yeah, but he doesn't know that!

 

Anyway he texted back earlier today. No biggie.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Yet you are pining away for his attention even though you say you have other prospects.

 

Because I like him the bestest.

[writergal]

Hello WriterGal,

Pumpkin also clearly stated that the way she dates was her modus operandi, or her way of dating, waiting or not making contact with the person until they do, gauging their interest. Knowingly engaging in this behavior with another person is a form of game playing, in my opinion.

 

 

While this may work for her, I find that to be a form of cat and mouse, the chase game, and personally, I am not a fan of such behavior, although if it works for her, then that is fine.

 

 

In regards to him leaving her hanging, their is also the question to be answered about the age difference, the styles of dating, and the technology question, I do believe Pumpkin stated that she does act this way with other dating situations, and outlined the reasons.

 

So waiting to see how much someone likes you, before you reciprocate is game playing (if I understand your post correctly)?? Couldn't that also be viewed as just being cautious? Maybe?

 

It's a biological fact that men chase and women choose. Women who chase men they like are viewed negatively anyway; as though they are clingy, needy, desperate or insecure. Chasing men is not a good dating strategy for women because it never yields a long-term, committed relationship.

[Tinroof53]

Because I like him the bestest.

 

And his lack of attention leaving you pining allows him to hold all the power.

 

So things are out of balance from the start.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

And his lack of attention leaving you pining allows him to hold all the power.

 

Yeah, but he doesn't know that BECAUSE I HAVEN'T CHASED.

 

Also I haven't given it up (yet) so I hold power too.

[ScreaminEagle]

How about if you initiated, she says yes. The date ends up being fabulously sexy and smart. Date ends well.

 

You ask for a second date. Second date just as wonderful...and you know she is receptive because of her body language and vibrant conversation.

 

You ask for a third date...fourth date...she responds positively...and all along the dates get progressively better and more intimate and you're wildly attracted to each other.

 

All this in a matter of two weeks.

 

You would really be turned off and not ask for a fifth date because she didn't initiate anything?

 

Reciprocity doesn't necessarily mean eye for an eye and tooth for tooth. Reciprocity can come in the form of saying yes and letting a magical date serve as the response. I think that's much more sexier and fun than making the girl responsible for initiating half the time.

 

In my world, if's and but's don't exist, actions do. Maybe my version and your version of initiating are starkly different. No two situations are the same.

 

 

If I initiated, hypothetically, and she said yes, things went well, I would expect some mutual initiating of communication on both ends, that is how a second date is planned right? I don't sit around to wait to hear that they did or didn't have a good time? If I don't hear from them, well then one is to assume that they didn't have a good time. I am not a mind reader. Sometimes dates do appear to go well, but the end result is not as it seems.

[writergal]

And his lack of attention leaving you pining allows him to hold all the power.

 

So things are out of balance from the start.

 

This I agree with. If he's not texting or calling you, he's just not that interested in you (good book by Greg Berendt).

 

And I do see things as off-balance for you and the Dr., Pumpkin, based on the fact that he waited a full day to respond to your text. I mean, he left you hanging. And that doesn't bother you? It takes 10 seconds (if that) to respond to a text or dial someone's phone number to call them.

[ScreaminEagle]

So waiting to see how much someone likes you, before you reciprocate is game playing (if I understand your post correctly)?? Couldn't that also be viewed as just being cautious? Maybe?

 

It's a biological fact that men chase and women choose. Women who chase men they like are viewed negatively anyway; as though they are clingy, needy, desperate or insecure. Chasing men is not a good dating strategy for women because it never yields a long-term, committed relationship.

 

I am sorry, I don't think women showing interest in a man is anything negative, nor would I portray them in a negative light.

 

 

It seems the OP does not want to initiate due to her past of getting hurt. Biological fact ? It is 2014, the rules of dating have changed from the 1950's. In fact I think a woman who shows interest is a strong woman, who knows what she wants.

 

 

I do believe there is a difference in being cautious, and being calculated in ones actions.

[ScreaminEagle]

I am sorry, but when you have use the word "power" in a situation involving dating, it wreaks of games, mind games, the chase game, not healthy.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

In my world, if's and but's don't exist, actions do. Maybe my version and your version of initiating are starkly different. No two situations are the same.

 

 

If I initiated, hypothetically, and she said yes, things went well, I would expect some mutual initiating of communication on both ends, that is how a second date is planned right? I don't sit around to wait to hear that they did or didn't have a good time? If I don't hear from them, well then one is to assume that they didn't have a good time. I am not a mind reader. Sometimes dates do appear to go well, but the end result is not as it seems.

 

Well, what I just outlined to you is exactly what happened to me. Everything went swell except for this damned texting which I don't know if that's attributable to age or low interest or not a techie.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I am sorry, but when you have use the word "power" in a situation involving dating, it wreaks of games, mind games, the chase game, not healthy.

 

Tin Roof used the word "power." I'm merely using it in his context.

[ScreaminEagle]

Well, what I just outlined to you is exactly what happened to me. Everything went swell except for this damned texting which I don't know if that's attributable to age or low interest or not a techie.

 

I think it is safe to say that you should move on from him. You deserve better.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

This I agree with. If he's not texting or calling you, he's just not that interested in you (good book by Greg Berendt).

 

And I do see things as off-balance for you and the Dr., Pumpkin, based on the fact that he waited a full day to respond to your text. I mean, he left you hanging. And that doesn't bother you? It takes 10 seconds (if that) to respond to a text or dial someone's phone number to call them.

 

YES! It bothers me a lot!!! Hence why I'm the OP of this thread! Trying to figure it out....

 

One good thing is he's always been consistently inconsistent, if that makes any sense. It's not like there's a decrease in texting. It's always been this inconsistent.

[writergal]

In my world, if's and but's don't exist, actions do. Maybe my version and your version of initiating are starkly different. No two situations are the same.

 

 

If I initiated, hypothetically, and she said yes, things went well, I would expect some mutual initiating of communication on both ends, that is how a second date is planned right? I don't sit around to wait to hear that they did or didn't have a good time? If I don't hear from them, well then one is to assume that they didn't have a good time. I am not a mind reader. Sometimes dates do appear to go well, but the end result is not as it seems.

 

I think in the very beginning (at least for me as a woman), I want the man to initiate the first few dates with me. So I can see where Pumpkin is coming from. I used to ask men out on dates but that never led to anything long-term. Those connections where I took the lead ALWAYS fizzled out. If a man gives me his number I throw it away. Why? Because it's the equivalent of him saying to me, "you're not worth the effort of calling because I'm not *that* interested in you for anything serious."

 

I have no problem contributing my ideas for a date if he asks me, "where would you like to eat dinner?" or "what movie would you like to see?" But I'm not going to initiate dates anymore.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I think it is safe to say that you should move on from him. You deserve better.

 

I DO????

 

Wow. That's very kind of you to say....or is that sarcasm I'm detecting?

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I have no problem contributing my ideas for a date if he asks me, "where would you like to eat dinner?" or "what movie would you like to see?" But I'm not going to initiate dates anymore.

 

I am the exact same way!!!! I will throw out suggestions, but asking a man out on a date? No. I refuse to do it. I'd rather watch Charlie Rose and eat cereal from a box than have to ask a man out. We would have to be a well-established couple first.

[ScreaminEagle]

I DO????

 

Wow. That's very kind of you to say....or is that sarcasm I'm detecting?

 

No I mean that, genuinely. No sarcasm.

[writergal]

I am sorry, I don't think women showing interest in a man is anything negative, nor would I portray them in a negative light.

 

 

It seems the OP does not want to initiate due to her past of getting hurt. Biological fact ? It is 2014, the rules of dating have changed from the 1950's. In fact I think a woman who shows interest is a strong woman, who knows what she wants.

 

 

I do believe there is a difference in being cautious, and being calculated in ones actions.

 

Yes it is 2014 not 1950; but that doesn't change the fact that all the data suggests that women who chase men NEVER CATCH THEM. Men like the chase. In fact, they need the ego boost, the thrill of the chase. Men want to be challenged.

 

A woman isn't stronger or more attractive to a man if she chases hem. That's a lot of malarkey. Pffft! A woman who knows what she wants, is a woman who knows how to get a man to chase her and keep her.

 

If a man wants you in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Show a girl you don't care and she'll chase you. Show a woman you don't care and she'll replace you.

[ScreaminEagle]

I think in the very beginning (at least for me as a woman), I want the man to initiate the first few dates with me. So I can see where Pumpkin is coming from. I used to ask men out on dates but that never led to anything long-term. Those connections where I took the lead ALWAYS fizzled out. If a man gives me his number I throw it away. Why? Because it's the equivalent of him saying to me, "you're not worth the effort of calling because I'm not *that* interested in you for anything serious."

 

I have no problem contributing my ideas for a date if he asks me, "where would you like to eat dinner?" or "what movie would you like to see?" But I'm not going to initiate dates anymore.

 

I don't think we are on the same page with the "initiation" word, or maybe I misinterpreted the OP and her intentions.

 

 

I do agree that in the beginning, men asking women out on dates is old school chivalry, nothing wrong with that, when I meant initiation, I was referring to communication after the first, or second date. Meaning, waiting to see if "he texts" or purposely not initiating a text just to gauge his interest.

 

 

However, I don't see anything wrong with a woman asking a man out, some women claim to know what they want, so it wouldn't turn me off, it has happened to me, I was shocked and flattered. But if you are not comfortable with it, then that's cool.

[ScreaminEagle]

Yes it is 2014 not 1950; but that doesn't change the fact that all the data suggests that women who chase men NEVER CATCH THEM. Men like the chase. In fact, they need the ego boost, the thrill of the chase. Men want to be challenged.

 

A woman isn't stronger or more attractive to a man if she chases hem. That's a lot of malarkey. Pffft! A woman who knows what she wants, is a woman who knows how to get a man to chase her and keep her.

 

If a man wants you in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Show a girl you don't care and she'll chase you. Show a woman you don't care and she'll replace you.

 

What data are you speaking of ? Can you cite sources? My best friend was asked out by a woman, and they are in a wonderful relationship. Everyone needs an ego boost, ego doesn't favor any gender. The thrill of the chase is for the young, mature people don't need to chase. I can speak for myself, but I want something real, I don't need to be challenged in the terms you speak of. I do agree on keeping her, and the same goes for the woman, she should have to get the thrill of keeping him, see a two way street.

 

 

Tis better to have loved and lost, then to be with someone you cannot defrost. =)