Veb Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Ok, so you are gradually getting more physical and enjoying that part, but the texting delay issue is making you doubt if you two are compatible? Personally I really liked the fact that my new friend takes time to reply even when busy, as do I. Normally I do not like to text much, but if I do I would like to feel the male is happy to hear from me and happy to respond! It is a new dating relationship, there should be more male effort to show interest level, I feel. I would be wary too, at this early stage, with obvious physical escalation present during dates. It could be that the question you sent him was not considered to be important enough to respond to immediately. Male minds work in mysterious ways. Personally I would look at how often you had had contact, what type of contact was made by either of you in between dates, who asked out whom. Who initiates texts? Does he actually answer your questions to your satisfaction? If your dates are spaced further apart, there is a stronger possibility he multi-dates/ has physical relationships with other women, when he can. What does your gut instinct say? Can you proceed to be physical with him if he continues to be slow in responding to your texts? If you have doubts, then tell him you need him to respond in a timely fashion! 2
writergal Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 (edited) He doesn't have time to even call you after you text him? Hmmm, not a good sign. Even after 4 dates communication should be a priority if you like the person. Doesn't matter that he's older, or a doctor. If he likes you, and you text him a question, it's common courtesy to respond to your question within a reasonable amount of time. If he can't prioritize communication with you this early on, he may not see you as someone he wants to date long-term. You said that he's not even working right now, so as far as I'm concerned, he has no excuse not to respond to your text communication within a few minutes. Sorry but I view his delayed response time as a red flag that he's not serious about you. Edited November 9, 2014 by writergal 1
OwMyEyeball Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Have you tried sending a Morse code message to his telegraph machine? Or maybe you could try a telegram. Stop. He may be more receptive to those. Stop. 5
writergal Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Have you tried sending a Morse code message to his telegraph machine? Or maybe you could try a telegram. Stop. He may be more receptive to those. Stop. Or a carrier pigeon, smoke signal, singing telegram, or note to his butler. 2
BluEyeL Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I would calm down for now, because you don't really have enough information to draw conclusions. I would recommend to stay in the moment and let things be, let this relationship be and develop in its own time, let your feelings develop in their own time, and his feelings develop. Four dates is nothing, there are no roots to this relationship yet. Also, for the same above mentioned root reason , be cautious while on the dates and with how much you are physical with this person. I like what the medical researcher above pointed out. Dating physicians could be tricky. I dated one, he fully expected women to pursue him indeed. He actually was asking me to ask him out and he'll tell me if he's available or not. He was so arrogant! But he wasn't physical with me, and that helped me move on after about 9 dates of nothing advancing. 2
Veb Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Dating physicians could be tricky. I dated one, he fully expected women to pursue him indeed. He actually was asking me to ask him out and he'll tell me if he's available or not. He was so arrogant! But he wasn't physical with me, and that helped me move on after about 9 dates of nothing advancing. How does that work? How did he want you to ask HIM out? WOW I heard of it, but still have no idea how they do that. Good for you for getting away from the arrogant guy!
BluEyeL Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 He doesn't have time to even call you after you text him? Hmmm, not a good sign. Even after 4 dates communication should be a priority if you like the person. Doesn't matter that he's older, or a doctor. If he likes you, and you text him a question, it's common courtesy to respond to your question within a reasonable amount of time. If he can't prioritize communication with you this early on, he may not see you as someone he wants to date long-term. You said that he's not even working right now, so as far as I'm concerned, he has no excuse not to respond to your text communication within a few minutes. Sorry but I view his delayed response time as a red flag that he's not serious about you. Normally, I'd agree but after dating for a while I decided people are really different from each other and resolved to give people time, 3-4 months (generally with no sex) of full observations, before I start drawing conclusions based on things like texting and phone etiquette. I am a big proposer of rules of dating behavior, but you have to take all of them with a grain of salt and be the judge of someone's character by taking into account all elements of the relationship, not just one. My current guy is pretty bad with communication. He was REALLY bad in the beginning and stepped it up gradually, in time. Dates got more frequent and texts got daily in time, from zero. At her stage, my guy never texted me, he was just emailing once a week to make plans for the following weekend. We are very much serious now, we'll be 5 months in on Thanksgiving. It's best to let relationships be and don't force and jump to conclusions, or you can sabotage good things. Stay in the moment, don't try to push to the next level and fret for no reasons. Just let trust grow in time. And slow down the physical. Is he asking you out for every weekend? After a while, is he seeing you more often than once a week? Maybe 2-3x or even more? Does he ask you to be his gf after 3-4 months of dating? Starts making plans for the future at that point? Introduces you to the family and friends? How is he treating people around him? What company does he keep? How are his friends (players or people who are settled down)? What are his values? What are his goals? That's how you learn. Not by how much he texts or even calls.
BluEyeL Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 (edited) How does that work? How did he want you to ask HIM out? WOW I heard of it, but still have no idea how they do that. Good for you for getting away from the arrogant guy! It was like this. He asked me out for the first date. At the end of it, he said "well, from now on, please let me know when you want to go out and I'll tell you if I am available. Also, I can't make plans in advance". I told him I am not really comfortable with that, I prefer that the man is asking me out. So when he got home he emailed me and asked me out for a second date. But at the second date he reiterated his ideas of me asking, I still said that's hard for me to do, he asked me for a third date. But after that date he wasn't contacting me at all in between dates. He was texting me on Saturday night. And then on Sunday mornings he was calling me on the phone around say 9am. If I didn't say to go out, he was just saying good bye. He kept saying, on the dates, to let him know when I want to go out next. And then again, he'd call me and wait for me to suggest meeting. Then he wanted me to say what I wanted to do and then he'd decide if that sounded good or not. During conversation it came out that women always pursued him, since he was a teenager and bragged that there are a lot of women after him but he doesn't want to date in his medical circles. He wasn't physical with me either. At all. In the end I got bored, I asked him I'm interested in dating someone, if he wants to have friendship thing, I have enough friends, and he doesn't seem to be interested in which case we should part ways. We had one more date after that (he called, heard I was going ziplining and said he wants to come too) and then he texted me and I didn't reply and that was it. He was 45 yo and pretty hot. Meh... doesn't keep me warm at night if he wasn't all that nice. Edited November 9, 2014 by BluEyeL 1
writergal Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 (edited) Just let trust grow in time. And slow down the physical. Is he asking you out for every weekend? After a while, is he seeing you more often than once a week? Maybe 2-3x or even more? Does he ask you to be his gf after 3-4 months of dating? Starts making plans for the future at that point? Introduces you to the family and friends? How is he treating people around him? What company does he keep? How are his friends (players or people who are settled down)? What are his values? What are his goals? That's how you learn. Not by how much he texts or even calls. Au contraire mon soeur/frere. By your logic, I shouldn't have judged the POF online guy who blew up my phone with daily texts and calls as actually liking me? He did fool me. I thought he was interested but he wasn't, which he proved when he cancelled the day of our first date and never rescheduled. I agree with the other factors that you mention as far as tools to use when gauging a man's interest level. But I'm sorry. Communication just can't be left out of your list. It's a very important indicator of how a man views you, especially early on. Even if it's to mislead, as what happened to me. You have to pay attention to how frequently/infrequently a man communicates and responds to you in between dates to gauge his interest level in you. To say that's not important makes no sense to me. Since the OP asked her fella a question via text that he didn't bother to answer with a follow up text or even a follow up phone call, well that's inconsiderate no matter how you view it. After 4 dates and he can't respond to her question period? He's not even working. He has no excuse unless he's just not that serious about her. Why wouldn't he want to respond to her question, even if just to call her back to respond? It's just rude not to respond to someone's communication, especially this early on. Edited November 9, 2014 by writergal 3
BluEyeL Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Au contraire mon soeur/frere. By your logic, I shouldn't have judged the POF online guy who blew up my phone with daily texts and calls as actually liking me? He did fool me. I thought he was interested but he wasn't, which he proved when he cancelled the day of our first date and never rescheduled. I agree with the other factors that you mention as far as tools to use when gauging a man's interest level. But I'm sorry. Communication just can't be left out of your list. It's a very important indicator of how a man views you, especially early on. Even if it's to mislead, as what happened to me. You have to pay attention to how frequently/infrequently a man communicates and responds to you in between dates to gauge his interest level in you. To say that's not important makes no sense to me. Since the OP asked her fella a question via text that he didn't bother to answer with a follow up text or even a follow up phone call, well that's inconsiderate no matter how you view it. After 4 dates and he can't respond to her question period? He's not even working. He has no excuse unless he's just not that serious about her. Why wouldn't he want to respond to her question, even if just to call her back to respond? It's just rude not to respond to someone's communication, especially this early on. Yes, keep that in mind, as a data point. He might not be a considerate person. He might not have high interest. Or he might just be a bad texter. Which one it is? I don't think we know yet. Keep in mind that people are different. I base it on the fact that guys who blew up my phone left me in the dust, or were pursuing sex. And my current bf wasn't texting me at all in the beginning. Zero. Nada. Zilch! Date. Ask me on the next date on the current date. Email a few days about plans and respond to my emails every 24h!!! Now he's texting me daily and things are very serious, we didn't have one hiccup. Sometimes he leaves me hanging too. He always responds to direct questions and responds quickly to texts, I'd say, instantly, but he's not doing back and forth, back and forth. Sometimes I feel he should comment on something I said and he just doesn't. I decided that's this is him. I take it or leave it. He told me he is not a big texter. In fact, he's speaking his texts that's how much he doesn't like typing them...But he's excessively sweet, he's a gem! He drives 40 minutes one way to pick me up and take me back to his place and then drive me back again. Does so many things where I go "awww...". But didn't do them "in the beginning". It just grew. It's backwards with this one. Gets better and better. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 I agree with the other factors that you mention as far as tools to use when gauging a man's interest level. But I'm sorry. Communication just can't be left out of your list. It's a very important indicator of how a man views you, especially early on. Even if it's to mislead, as what happened to me. You have to pay attention to how frequently/infrequently a man communicates and responds to you in between dates to gauge his interest level in you. To say that's not important makes no sense to me. Since the OP asked her fella a question via text that he didn't bother to answer with a follow up text or even a follow up phone call, well that's inconsiderate no matter how you view it. After 4 dates and he can't respond to her question period? He's not even working. He has no excuse unless he's just not that serious about her. Why wouldn't he want to respond to her question, even if just to call her back to respond? It's just rude not to respond to someone's communication, especially this early on. I agree 100 percent!!! To top it off, HE was the one who texted me this morning, and I responded with a question only to be left hanging all day with no response! That being said, I've also never dated someone in their mid 50s who may not be not very tech savvy or may have more old-fashioned ways of dating. I view texting as a valid means of communication, as short and informal as some may think it is, texting is effective and efficient way to keep in touch. Not responding, esp. after HE initiated, is just plain rude. 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 Personally I would look at how often you had had contact, what type of contact was made by either of you in between dates, who asked out whom. Who initiates texts? Does he actually answer your questions to your satisfaction? He has always initiated contact since we started dating. He has always asked for the dates. I have not initiated one thing and let him take the lead. Four dates in two weeks...I won't chase and I won't pursue! He knows I am interested because my actions indicate on our dates. When we do text, sometimes they are deeper and more complex. But more often than not, they are infrequent and one or two words with hours and hours in between. He is capable of texting. I just can't understand if he's truly interested why he would leave a period of 24 hours go by silent.
CarrieT Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I just can't understand if he's truly interested why he would leave a period of 24 hours go by silent. Have you asked him yet? There could be a gazillion reasons... - his phone died - he lost his phone - he took a day-long hike Stop speculating and passing judgment until you ascertain data to make a viable conclusion.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 Have you asked him yet? There could be a gazillion reasons... - his phone died - he lost his phone - he took a day-long hike Stop speculating and passing judgment until you ascertain data to make a viable conclusion. I would agree if this only happened one time. However the long delays are a regular thing. He did not lose his phone every other day. Anyway, I'm going to view this as an information-gathering event. Actions speak very loud and that will help me base my decision on whether he's a person worthy of investing my time in. No more freaking out.
edgygirl Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I haven't read all the posts, but the 48 yo doctor (that I am yet to meet) is the same. He takes days to answer emails, sent a few texts once and never again. He has a little daughter and he seems to dedicate all his free time to her, to the point where it's been hard to even try and meet for the first time. To be honest, I am not sure I can deal with this... almost giving up on him.
GildedLily Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 He's been on leave for a few months, so I believe he has time to respond. Or if he doesn't, why not simply say a "in a meeting. talk later" instead of complete silence for 24 hours? I have never been in a relationship where things started off this disconnected. I'm willing to accept this generational gap thing, but the actions when we are together don't really match the habits when we are apart. Hence my post. I married a doctor in his early fifties and we have a bigger age gap than you, he texted and called, why can't your guy call? You asked for advice about the age thing, screen him right off the bat; ask him if he's looking for the same things you are marriage and kids ( if that's true), don't get further involved until you know. My experience has been, most men who reach this age without being married or having kids don't want either. It's rare to find a man who was just waiting for the right woman, I was lucky to find one that had been. 2
Fondue Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 He's a doctor. That's pretty much your answer. Take it from me, I work with doctors on a daily basis. I'm a Murse myself, so I have a good understanding how stressful the the healthcare lifestyle is. ESPECIALLY for an MD. Make that 2x if he is a particular kind of surgeon or has a demanding specialty. Doctors these days have absolutely no time to breath. Just to give you ONE example of many: With the structure of medicare reimbursement, they have to see an obscene amount of patients in a day to get paid. Wayyy too many to even be considered "safe" practice. On top of that, he's receiving a million phone calls a day from other medical staff, from patients/families, hospitals, other doctors, labs, etc.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 He's a doctor. That's pretty much your answer. He's been on leave for several months.
Woggle Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I am 35 and I don't text either. It is a waste of time. I will call back but we need hear each other's voice. A little breathing room is good for a relationship and the texting culture we have these days doesn't allow that to happen. 2
Tinroof53 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Thanks, Carrie. It bothers me a bit because I typically gauge a man's interest in me by how responsive he is with me in between dates. This man is giving me crumbs! Thank you for reassuring me it's generational. I'm willing to accept him the way he is; I'll just have to alter my modus operandi. Well, his generation calls more than texts if he's not living in the texting world. Does he call you 1-3 times each day? If not, he's not that interested. Are you certain he's not still married?
CarrieT Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 He's been on leave for several months. What has he been doing with his time? I am newly married to a doctor and I'm curious what precipitates a doctor to take a leave... It is pretty unusual unless there is some underlying "issue" (forced leave? artistic sabbatical? religious retreat?)
Tinroof53 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Busy men make time when they are really interested! 4
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 Does he call you 1-3 times each day? If not, he's not that interested. Are you certain he's not still married? He is not married. I check for female hairs in the bathroom And if he called me 1 - 3 times a day, I would go running for the hills. 1
Tinroof53 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 He is not married. I check for female hairs in the bathroom And if he called me 1 - 3 times a day, I would go running for the hills. What is it you want from him? If it's texting and he won't do that - then figure he's not going to please your preference of communicating. No wonder men feel like they can't please women. If YOU NEED that then tell him. If he won't then he's not for you.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 What is it you want from him? Consideration. Simple. Whether it's in the form of a text (which HE initiated and I responded to with a question) or simply saying "thank you." 1
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