Mid-50s Men and Texting. Clueless or Indifferent?

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I am dating a man 14 years older than I. He is 56. He knows how to text but the frequency and time he takes to respond is killing me! We've been on four dates over a period of two weeks. I have let him initiate all of the dates AND texts because this is my method of how to gauge his interest; however after sending me a text, he sometimes takes up to 24 hours to respond, and when he does it's usually a one-word response.

 

I can't tell if this man A) has a low-level interest in me, B) only interested in sex since most of our dates have been extremely physical (though we haven't done the deed yet), C) simply has no clue on texting etiquette, D) is not tech-savvy and doesn't care to keep in touch that way.

 

He's a physician, very bright and successful. However sometimes I'll say words like "bluetooth" or "retina display" and he will stop me and say wtf is bluetooth?

 

If I had his full attention, wouldn't he be responding to me right away? We met on a dating site so if he's able to post his profile, surely he can return texts in a timely manner! The silence in between dates is pure torture. Is this an age thing?

 

Thanks...and no yelling at me for freaking out!

[CarrieT]

It is generational, I'm sure of it.

 

It is not that he is clueless on texting etiquette, it is simply that his/my generation have a different mindset on communication and dating.

 

If it bothers you, you need to explain it to him or accept him for who he and what he is. Or date someone from your own generation.

[newmoon]

it's an age thing. i am currently dating someone 20 years older and he can barely use the iphone he has. i text him and he never responds, and when i ask "did you get the message" he just says yes. it still doesn't generate a response. he doesn't know about websites or retina or an ipad or anything else, and he doesn't even have a laptop. but - he does make phone calls, lol. it is generational to some extent, but there are also a lot of people in an older age group that make an effort. he's just not tech savvy. but it could be a good thing. i know the guy i go out with can't even get online, let alone search for dates, go to dating websites, facebook, etc. look at the upside!

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Thanks, Carrie.

 

It bothers me a bit because I typically gauge a man's interest in me by how responsive he is with me in between dates. This man is giving me crumbs!

 

Thank you for reassuring me it's generational. I'm willing to accept him the way he is; I'll just have to alter my modus operandi.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

it's an age thing. i am currently dating someone 20 years older and he can barely use the iphone he has. i text him and he never responds, and when i ask "did you get the message" he just says yes. it still doesn't generate a response. he doesn't know about websites or retina or an ipad or anything else, and he doesn't even have a laptop. but - he does make phone calls, lol. it is generational to some extent, but there are also a lot of people in an older age group that make an effort. he's just not tech savvy. but it could be a good thing. i know the guy i go out with can't even get online, let alone search for dates, go to dating websites, facebook, etc. look at the upside!

 

Hahahha! Your post made me laugh!

 

I think the problem here is I'm projecting my own ambitions onto the guy I'm dating. If I really liked the person, I would take the time to learn how to respond and stay in contact no matter how difficult I find it.

[preraph]

Texting is one of the least quick and easy ways to communicate and us older folks know it because we've done all the different ways. So not everyone likes it and those who do may only want to do one word answers because it's too time-consuming. And he is a physician, so he is busy. It also means keeping your phone on you and he's too busy for that and that's not convenient for a lot of people. And if he's a wise old guy, he will also realize that it's a lot more fun to discover a person face to face because that can lead to intimacy on many levels. If you communicate everything via text all the time, what do you have left to talk about in person that hasn't already been conveyed.

 

Here's a hypothetical example. Let's say you got in a car wreck. So you text him that you got in a car wreck today. Then later you see him, and you're still feeling a bit pitiful and could use some sympathy because it's been a bad day with a car wreck. If you hadn't already texted him that and you had instead told him in person, he'd probably have thrown an arm around you and hugged you and asked if you were okay. Since you've already told him about it and that you're okay, now if you bring it up again, he's just going to say something like, Yeah, that's what you said earlier. I'm glad you're okay" but he's probably not going to dish out the sympathy and physical caring behavior. So you missed that. And it was a good opportunity to see firsthand how he would respond and learn things about him.

[newmoon]

Hahahha! Your post made me laugh!

 

I think the problem here is I'm projecting my own ambitions onto the guy I'm dating. If I really liked the person, I would take the time to learn how to respond and stay in contact no matter how difficult I find it.

 

i think in this case you have to respect his age group and that he probably doesn't have the comfort level you do with tech stuff. as long as he is asking you out, calling on a phone and otherwise initiating dates it's all good. i mean, a guy from the age groups we are both dating in will be old-fashioned anyway, so it's best to just let them do everything and let it go slow(er)

[PumpkinLumpkin]

i think in this case you have to respect his age group and that he probably doesn't have the comfort level you do with tech stuff. as long as he is asking you out, calling on a phone and otherwise initiating dates it's all good. i mean, a guy from the age groups we are both dating in will be old-fashioned anyway, so it's best to just let them do everything and let it go slow(er)

 

 

Thanks for being so understanding and relatable.

 

The last guy I was with created two iPhone apps and put together my network and we texted constantly.

 

This is a big change for me, but it is refreshing not to have someone exploding my phone. Never dated anyone this much older than I, but I like him a lot and willing to go at a slower pace.

 

I'm also expecting that at age 56, he's not a player and looking for something meaningful and solid. He's never been married, no kids. I'm in the same boat but I'm way younger. I'm not quite sure what his intentions are as there's only been four dates it's never been addressed.

 

What has been your experience with dating someone much older?

[ScreaminEagle]

I am dating a man 14 years older than I. He is 56. He knows how to text but the frequency and time he takes to respond is killing me! We've been on four dates over a period of two weeks. I have let him initiate all of the dates AND texts because this is my method of how to gauge his interest; however after sending me a text, he sometimes takes up to 24 hours to respond, and when he does it's usually a one-word response.

 

I can't tell if this man A) has a low-level interest in me, B) only interested in sex since most of our dates have been extremely physical (though we haven't done the deed yet), C) simply has no clue on texting etiquette, D) is not tech-savvy and doesn't care to keep in touch that way.

 

He's a physician, very bright and successful. However sometimes I'll say words like "bluetooth" or "retina display" and he will stop me and say wtf is bluetooth?

 

If I had his full attention, wouldn't he be responding to me right away? We met on a dating site so if he's able to post his profile, surely he can return texts in a timely manner! The silence in between dates is pure torture. Is this an age thing?

 

Thanks...and no yelling at me for freaking out!

 

So my gauging his interest, your playing the chasing game with a man 14 years older and wiser then you, yeah let me know how that works out.

 

 

I think you pretty much answered your own question, he is a Doctor, probably on call a lot, so maybe he cannot answer your text, or other matters are more important.

 

 

How do you know who posted his profile ? My aunt who around his age, my cousin did it for her. I wouldn't assume.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

So my gauging his interest, your playing the chasing game with a man 14 years older and wiser then you, yeah let me know how that works out.

 

 

I think you pretty much answered your own question, he is a Doctor, probably on call a lot, so maybe he cannot answer your text, or other matters are more important.

 

 

How do you know who posted his profile ? My aunt who around his age, my cousin did it for her. I wouldn't assume.

 

He's been on leave for a few months, so I believe he has time to respond. Or if he doesn't, why not simply say a "in a meeting. talk later" instead of complete silence for 24 hours?

 

I have never been in a relationship where things started off this disconnected.

 

I'm willing to accept this generational gap thing, but the actions when we are together don't really match the habits when we are apart. Hence my post.

Edited November 8, 2014 by PumpkinLumpkin

[CarrieT]

You've only been on four dates. Who's to say you have his full attention; he may be dating several people.

 

And, at that age to have never married, he probably has a full life in some regard, on his own. You are expecting too much based on what a 30-something or 40-something does in the dating scene because (from my experience) they are perhaps a little more motivated than this guy sounds.

 

Seems like you are wanting more than he is ready to give.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

You've only been on four dates. Who's to say you have his full attention; he may be dating several people.

 

And, at that age to have never married, he probably has a full life in some regard, on his own. You are expecting too much based on what a 30-something or 40-something does in the dating scene because (from my experience) they are perhaps a little more motivated than this guy sounds.

 

Seems like you are wanting more than he is ready to give.

 

Wise words.

 

My decision right now is to just cool it and enjoy getting to know him. It is what it is. No use freaking out over his under-texting. We don't owe each other anything at this point.

[ScreaminEagle]

Pumpkin, there is no reason to freak out, but dating has to be reciprocal, especially with the generational gap.

 

 

Gauging interest goes two ways. And I did not know he was on leave. Maybe he is the old fashioned kind who was forced to embrace technology, just because that is what society has become.

 

 

Good luck with him.

[Veb]

Female medical researcher here, early fifties.

I have lots of experience with physicians in this age group, so here are some observations:

 

Some are not into technology, so keep using the phone as a phone only.

 

Personally I have contact with some old friends (age group + 10-12 yrs), who are extremely busy, travelling to international conferences, but reply to my email, skype, text etc. within a few minutes to a couple of hours.

 

My new physician friend sees patients full time, no research which allows a bit more time to respond sometimes.

He responds to my calls within minutes during a workday, but we end up missing each others calls as we both see patients, so I use text if I need him to get some information.

 

If it is a text not in urgent need of response he will wait until a break, or right after he is finished for the day.

 

I get an immediate answer via text, if he can't reach me on the phone.

We both fit that in between seeing patients, but we will keep everything very short until after work/or lunch/coffee break.

 

You might also keep in mind that some, not all physicians, are quite used to being persued by females and SOME have the idea that they do not need to put in so much effort.

 

I do not want to discourage you! Just be aware that physicians his age are not all sincere.

Many are very nice, but some just like to enjoy their status with younger women, any women.

 

I personally know some very nice, sincere doctors who are happy when they find a genuine woman, so you just have to find out what his intentions are.

[newmoon]

Wise words.

 

My decision right now is to just cool it and enjoy getting to know him. It is what it is. No use freaking out over his under-texting. We don't owe each other anything at this point.

 

that is a good plan, regardless of the age. and him being a doctor doesn't really correspond to him being able to text/not text. i think it's a different age group, personally. being younger the expectation is that we'll hear from a guy all the time via text/email/facebook. etc. and when you don't it's cause for worry. i am experiencing much the same as you - a bit of disconnect between when we are together and then when i don't get any texts or etc. for days. my guy never texts. but it's ok. like yours he is also no kids/no marriage at his age (59, i am 39). personally, i think there is a reason for it :-) but they have a ton of life experiences so i don't ask the questions that i would with someone in my own age group. does it really matter what type of music they like? or superficial questions like that? i think it's much more about life goals and etc. - my guy asked me if i wanted children on date 2. they get more to the point in my experience and the games are fewer. i don't think your guy is playing games by not responding to you, and you shouldn't gauge texts or lack thereof as a weakened sign of interest. the biggest problem? he brings up music/shows/people and i have no idea what he's talking about. and he lived through an era (the 60s) and i wasn't even born for another 15 years after it, so... generational stuff.

[Snowman219]

It is generational, I'm sure of it.

 

It is not that he is clueless on texting etiquette, it is simply that his/my generation have a different mindset on communication and dating.

 

If it bothers you, you need to explain it to him or accept him for who he and what he is. Or date someone from your own generation.

 

I'm 29 and I don't like people, they were invented a long time ago...

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Female medical researcher here, early fifties.

I have lots of experience with physicians in this age group, so here are some observations:

 

Some are not into technology, so keep using the phone as a phone only.

 

Personally I have contact with some old friends (age group + 10-12 yrs), who are extremely busy, travelling to international conferences, but reply to my email, skype, text etc. within a few minutes to a couple of hours.

 

My new physician friend sees patients full time, no research which allows a bit more time to respond sometimes.

He responds to my calls within minutes during a workday, but we end up missing each others calls as we both see patients, so I use text if I need him to get some information.

 

If it is a text not in urgent need of response he will wait until a break, or right after he is finished for the day.

 

I get an immediate answer via text, if he can't reach me on the phone.

We both fit that in between seeing patients, but we will keep everything very short until after work/or lunch/coffee break.

 

You might also keep in mind that some, not all physicians, are quite used to being persued by females and SOME have the idea that they do not need to put in so much effort.

 

I do not want to discourage you! Just be aware that physicians his age are not all sincere.

Many are very nice, but some just like to enjoy their status with younger women, any women.

 

I personally know some very nice, sincere doctors who are happy when they find a genuine woman, so you just have to find out what his intentions are.

 

Thank you for taking the time to post this. It's truly an eye-opener. Bottom line, I guess, trust my gut. My gut is saying a man this bright and fun would not have a problem answering me in a timely manner if he really wanted to.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

You might also keep in mind that some, not all physicians, are quite used to being persued by females and SOME have the idea that they do not need to put in so much effort.

 

I haven't initiated one text or set up one date with him, so I am definitely not pursuing him. (I'm just freaking out behind closed doors.)

 

We saw each other last night. He texted me this morning and I responded with a question. Seven hours later, still no response.

[rester]

I'm younger than you, OP, and I generally don't respond to texts while I'm at work, or exercising, or with friends. Would NEVER respond while in a meeting with something like, "in a meeting, talk to you later". When I'm busy I'm busy and sometimes it takes me hours to return texts even to my girlfriend. Luckily she's the same way and we don't have that disconnect because we don't feel the need to be texting back and forth all day. If that's important to your relationship, I could see these differences becoming a problem, but maybe you two can get on the same page. I just personally find texting back and forth all day to be unnecessary and exhausting. Just trying to offer another perspective. It may or may not be generational but I also don't think the time it takes a man to respond to texts is any indicator of interest level whatsoever.

[Veb]

You are right to trust your gut!

 

There are many lovely, kind doctors out there, so even if this one is not for you, there are others actually looking for a good relationship and not just sexual escapades.

 

Men in their fifties actually have a very high rate of Sexually transmitted infections, compared to most other age groups. It seems there is a mid life crisis, hormonal aspect...

 

You mentioned that you found the dates quite a bit physical, what happened?

 

How have you felt while with him?

 

Maybe I can decode some behavior. Some physicians spent so much time working, that they have stunted their social growth.

 

They can seem very awkward while dating. It is a possibility.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

You mentioned that you found the dates quite a bit physical, what happened?

 

How have you felt while with him?

 

First date, just a quick kiss goodnight.

 

2nd - 4th date, progressively everything but intercourse.

 

I told him I didn't want to because there still so much I don't know about him. He said he will do whatever I want and wants to be respectful of my wishes. I also said I prefer not to have sex unless I could see a full panel STD test.

 

Saw him last night. He texted this morning. I responded with a question to which he has not answered. It's now been seven (7) hours and, no, he is not at work.

 

When I am with him, we are insanely attracted to each other and cannot keep our hands off each other. We talk but it never goes beyond how our day went or what we read or heard on the news, minor family issue, our passions and hobbies. But nothing about future goals.... We laugh a lot...a ton. There's lots of joking around. Lots of compliments, lots of affection/chemistry. Nothing too substantial. Then again, it's only four dates.

 

I have a feeling we are both keeping each other at an arm's distance. He won't let me in any further, and as a result I won't let him in either.

 

I don't think he's a player, but this nonresponsive texting is a huge turnoff.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I'm younger than you, OP, and I generally don't respond to texts while I'm at work, or exercising, or with friends. Would NEVER respond while in a meeting with something like, "in a meeting, talk to you later". When I'm busy I'm busy and sometimes it takes me hours to return texts even to my girlfriend. Luckily she's the same way and we don't have that disconnect because we don't feel the need to be texting back and forth all day. If that's important to your relationship, I could see these differences becoming a problem, but maybe you two can get on the same page. I just personally find texting back and forth all day to be unnecessary and exhausting. Just trying to offer another perspective. It may or may not be generational but I also don't think the time it takes a man to respond to texts is any indicator of interest level whatsoever.

 

No one said anything about texting back and forth all day.

 

There's courtesy where you can just let the other person know, "getting in the car. txt later" instead of complete silence for the next day.

 

I think responding to questions or responding at all, just ONE text, says everything about courtesy. It lets you know they are aware of the other person's feelings.

[rester]

No one said anything about texting back and forth all day.

 

There's courtesy where you can just let the other person know, "getting in the car. txt later" instead of complete silence for the next day.

 

I think responding to questions or responding at all, just ONE text, says everything about courtesy. It lets you know they are aware of the other person's feelings.

 

I mostly agree but at the same time you've only been on four dates. If I had to text my girlfriend a response within a few hours every time she asked me a question I'd get annoyed very quickly. I just personally don't agree with the "it only takes 30 seconds to text" crowd. Texting is a distraction that I try to minimize in my life. He may be the same.

 

If I were in your position, I'd straight up ask him. "Hey, I was wondering, why do you take so long to respond to texts?"

 

Then you'll know why he does it.

 

All I'm saying is that I don't think it's a good idea to equate a bad texter with someone that isn't interested.

[rester]

If I were in your position, I'd straight up ask him. "Hey, I was wondering, why do you take so long to respond to texts?"

.

 

And obviously don't text him that or you'll never know why. lol

[PumpkinLumpkin]

and obviously don't text him that or you'll never know why. Lol

 

hahahah!!!