Did I do the right thing?

[nyla35]

Ill try to make this as short as possible. I met my ex girlfriend abouth 7 1/2 months ago. She took a semester off of college and lived at home. She was going to transfer to a school that was only about 50 miles away from the area where we both lived. We met at a party and instantly had a nice connection and our relationship moved fast. She never really had a serious boyfriend but was more used to "flings".

 

A little bit before we met she began experiencing anxiety for the first time and it would confuse her a lot. I'm used to having anxiety so I would love to help her through it.

 

After about a month or so she would say things like "my liking for you used to rise every time I saw you but now it has sort of leveled out." "I don't love you yet but I really want to love." "If we broke up I'd only want to hang out with you and hook up with you." I explained that its still super early in our relationship and thats what happens. We move on and everything's great. She has a tendency to see things in only black and white with no room for grey area.

 

After 2 incredible months later the same idea pops into her head right before I leave on a 9 day trip. She had just been telling me how much she misses me and that I shouldn't go on a trip and we should go on a trip together and then the next day she is confused. I go on my trip, we come back and she says the same things as before. I think it is her confused and over thinking things and we move on with life and everything is fine.

 

About 2 weeks later she tells me she loves me and everything is going perfect, I mean absolutely perfect. she describes herself as not that affectionate yet she is being affectionate with me.

 

She goes to her new school which is 50 miles away and I visit about once a week and everything is once again going perfectly. when she has her troubles she would come to me and she is extremely trustworthy and so caring.

 

After being in school for about 2 months she comes home for fall break (for 6 days) and we spend a lot of time together and I sleep over her house multiple days. She is a person who does not necessarily like being with the same person for long periods of time but she invited me over so i went. After she went back to school after fall break she was a little bit distant with me and broke up with me about 4 days later. "love but not in love." She almost seemed more devastated than I was.

 

She told me that she wants me in her life and that she will let me contact her whenever I wanted. About 4 days go by and I am miserable. She calls me and we have a 2 hour conversation, both crying. We end the conversation saying that we both know we can't just jump back into what we had for fear of this happening just a month down the line. I told her I would call her in a couple days and we will see.

 

I called her a couple days later with the message that we cannot talk and I have to delete her on all social media for some time. She was devastated. I mean crying to the point of almost throwing up. It was so hard and so sad on both ends. She is saying things like I have no thing to look forward to now (Which are all things I was saying during this break up.) It feels like I broke up with her. We both wanted nothing more than to be in the same place with each other. As we hung up we talked about the future and the possibility of rekindling once we both sort out out individual issues. She says she is confused, which she is.

 

It's been four days since then. My mind is going a mile a minute. The only reason I'm functioning is because I am holding on to hope. I basically got what every dumpee wants, their ex to call them saying they cannot live without them, but she is EXTREMELY confused and not ready for a serious relationship right now even though she "loves me so much." I can't help but feel like I broke up with her almost which is not what I wanted at all. I want her back and she wants me in her life so badly. I feel like with NC and deleting her I am forcing her to get over me as well which is not what I want and my fear is it will lead to her forgetting what we had and if I had stayed in her life there would be a better chance at rekindling. It's hard not to text her. I have moments of thinking I made a wrong decision. I was wondering to hear someone else's take.

 

I do want to note that because she said she does not like talking and being with someone every day I backed off completely in terms of texting first. I let her start pretty much all conversations so that I would not smother her.

[Downtown]

She began experiencing anxiety for the first time and it would confuse her a lot.

Nyla, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I hope your exGF suffers only from GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), as you suspect. Perhaps she does have GAD. If so, however, there is a 25% chance she also has co-occurring BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. I mention this because the black-white thinking you mention is strongly associated with personality disorders. Moreover, the strongest association is with BPD.

 

She has a tendency to see things in only black and white with no room for grey area.

B-W thinking is so strongly associated with PDs because it typically (though not always) arises from an arrested emotional development caused by a trauma occurring before age five. When trauma occurs that early, it can prevent the child from developing an integrated sense of herself. That is, she is unable to integrate the good and bad aspects of her own personality and actions. This means, for example, she never reaches that moment where she sees that she is "essentially a good girl" even though she occasionally does bad things.

 

Due to that lack of integration, the person never is able to comfortably tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, or the other grey areas of interpersonal relationships. Instead, she will force everyone into a black or white box so she knows how to deal with them.

 

This will be evident, for example, in the way she categorizes everyone at polar extremes: e.g., as "all good" or "all bad" and as "with me" or "against me." And, a few weeks later, she can recategorize someone -- in just ten seconds -- back again to the other polar extreme. This B-W thinking also would be evident in frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

 

I was wondering to hear someone else's take.

My take on the situation is that you made a very wise decision to go NC and stay away from this young woman who so easily feels suffocated by you. Yet, if you ever feel strongly tempted to rekindle a romance with her, I strongly recommend you see a good psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. If she really does have GAD, there is at least an 80% chance she has another disorder as well. It therefore is important you obtain professional guidance on what that other disorder likely is.

 

If you resume your relationship with her, I also would suggest that you read about the warning signs for BPD so you're able to spot any strong signs that are occurring. One such sign, for example, is the repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back that you describe. Yet, if she really does have strong BPD traits, you would be seeing other red flags in addition to the black-white thinking and push-pull cycle.

 

If you're interested, an easy place to start reading is my description of those red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. Take care, Nyla.

[nyla35]

Thank you. This has helped a lot. She does have a tendency for some pull-in and push-away. She's a great girl and she used to say that she doesn't think she is a good person sometimes. She did not say it too often but she has said it once or twice and that is just false. She is an incredibly caring person towards her family and now me. She says that she never really connected with too many people before she met me. I really want to help her and I hinted that we should both spend some time apart and figure ourselves out first and then maybe in the future try again. I said that logically, not emotionally, because emotionally I want to be with her right now. I'm a mess. I was just wondering if you think that giving her NC and space and giving her time to more or less lose her feelings her me and somewhat forget the details of our relationship is a good thing? I figured she needs to figure all of this out on her own but I'm scared of losing her for the future.

[Downtown]

I was just wondering if you think that giving her NC and space and giving her time to more or less lose her feelings her me and somewhat forget the details of our relationship is a good thing?

As I said, I believe your decision to go NC is wise. If she really does love you, she likely will contact you eventually because love is not a feeling that is easily lost. As I noted above, my greater concern is that you seem to be describing behavior that goes beyond anxiety into the area of emotional instability.

 

That's why I encouraged you to obtain a professional opinion if you ever decide to start dating her again. Importantly, do NOT rely on her therapist's opinion. He is not your friend. Just like an attorney, he is ethically bound to protect HER best interests, not yours. This is why it is prudent to see your own psychologist if your exGF returns and is still exhibiting push-pull behavior, B-W thinking, and being suffocated by your intimacy.

[nyla35]

Thanks again. She did use to say that sometimes she wanted to be with me all the time and then sometimes needed space, which seems completely normal to me. She needed space whenever we would spend a few days in a row together so I thought it made sense. But when she would get in her moments of needing space I think it would make her think that our relationship was missing something because she only saw things in black and white for the most part. I told her that we can't talk for a little bit because I need to get over her before we can be friends again even though we both want nothing more than to be able to talk and hang out. Of course I would love to continue to be with her. She is young, 19 and in college. She has no desire to hook up with other guys but obviously eventually she will. I just wonder how much time I should give her? I know this won't be resolved in the near future. But at the same time I am worried about becoming too distant, I mean we only dated for 7 months. I don't want to miss my opportunity to be with her again.