I think I'm doing the right thing....

[slh71]

So long story short...I met a girl 4 months ago. I fell in love harder with her than I ever have in my life. There was a lot, a tremendous amount of baggage on her end. We dealt with a lot of it, and things were going well, but some of it was too hard for me to handle so I decided to break it off with her. It was one of if not the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I was an emotional train wreck. I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted by our relationship.

 

I went NC on her and cancelled her phone (I had paid for it). Just prior to all this we'd had a fight and I left, I went and packed up all her stuff and took it to her house, the whole time she was texting me and calling me and begging for another chance (I'd heard this all before several times and I always get burned so I stuck to my guns and ended it).

 

So after I cancelled her phone I didn't hear from her for over a week. I was angry and upset for the first few days, then the real pain started to set in, but I was sticking to my guns and realizing that this is not a good relationship, there are just too many factors that are bad.....but the pain I've been feeling and the regret over how I ended it has just been horrible these past three days or so, I mean just dreadful. I have no energy. I come home from work and just want to get plastered (which I did once, but I've avoided drinking other nights, I know it's not a good way to deal with things). I just think about her and cry and cry and am so miserable....... I wonder if maybe I'd been too hasty. Let me stress again, I've never, ever felt like this about anyone. It was so powerful. But over time with the lying and the mistrust I have for her my love slowly was killing me inside....how can I be with someone I can't trust fully? There are other factors as well.....

 

So today I'm at work and I get a phone call.....I check my phone and it's her. I'm like "How can that be? I cancelled her phone?" So I figure it's the phone company calling or something. I answer, it's her. She said "Can we talk?" and I was just so happy and also so scared. This woman has power over me. It's like she's a succubus. She just has a way about her, and it pulls me into the fray and I can't hardly control it. That's what drove me away from her, all the stress and just ***** all the time, but I kept going out of my love and lust for her, and hoping I could change her and help her be the person she claims she wants to be.....

 

Anyway, so we talk, she tells me how much she misses me and how sorry she is for how things went down, and I admit that I've missed her terribly and still love her as well. It was a very calm, guarded conversation on both our parts.

 

I told her, "We have to start over. We have to move on from the past and start fresh." She agreed. We are supposed to see each other later tonight.

 

I guess I'm writing this, and I know I've been enigmatic by not sharing all the details, to try and see if you all think I'm doing the right thing.

 

Before my heart was completely in this relationship. Then all the crap happened and my feelings changed, we broke up and in the course of time I realized just how much I still love her (not that I had stopped loving her but maybe I didn't really realize just how deeply I was in love) The problem is I know this will never be a normal relationship like I truly want. I just want a standard normal man/woman each person together and equal type of relationship. But with this girl it will never be that simple, there are too many other issues going on, that I don't want to get into just yet.

 

So where I'm at at this point is here: I'm going to see her, I'm going to love her and at the same time I'm going to try and be more open minded about our relationship. Don't get things wrong here, I have my lines and if she crosses those I'm absolutely done, like cheating, etc.... but I just feel like I have to keep going here, I have to give her another shot. She's too damn special and important to me. I've never been this effected by someone else in my life (I'm 42 and have been married and had a few other relationships in the past including one long term one four years). I just can't get this girl out of my head. I wake up every morning and remember the dreams I've been having about her, I have thought about her every minute of every day since the day we met 4 months ago. Literally not a minute has gone by that she wasn't on my mind....it's insane.

 

And this past few days has been utter hell....pure misery. I'm scared of what might happen in the future with this woman, but I'm also very happy to have her back.

 

Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.

[travelbug1996]

First I had to go look up 'succubus'. lol

 

Four months and a boat load of drama already?? You say you don't trust her. Why not?

 

You say she's a liar? What did she lie about? How many times have you broken up since getting together?

 

This situation sounds toxic. Google toxic relationships and come back.

[NopeNah]

I agree.. Four months in is when the honeymoon phase starts wearing off and one's true colors, slowly, start to surface. Don't replace loneliness with misery. Id be very cautious.

[slh71]

Just an update, I've broken up with her for good. I've realized who she is and what she's all about and realize my foolishness for all that I was hoping she would be...it was all just a fantasy in my own head. I'm glad she's out of my life and I'm trying to recover and move on.