Feeling indignant - He found The One - so why'd he put me through hell!?

[HGirl]

Through university, I dated a guy. He was pretty full on and intense. I was hesitant about getting into a relationship because we were in the same friendship group, plus I felt too young. Initially he didn't seem to really want to - but then pressured me into it. I finally relented and though I might as well give it a try.

 

This worked out OK for 2 years. However I broke up with him because 1. I doubted he loved me (though he was adamant he did) and 2. I wanted some freedom in my final year at university.

 

All hell broke loose after this; we had the same friends so were often in each others' company. He went nuts;

 

- He tried to Isolate me from the group through manipulating me and others agaisnt each other.

- He would hold me to ransom - For example, he would say "Oh I'll make sure to tell HGirl about X event", he would only tell me about the plans my friends had made if I "behaved well."

- He was a bad drunk - would start arguments/make me cry/ turn up at my house and shout. Once he even threatened violence.

- He accused me of sleeping with other people (I wasn't, but I was single and had every right to). He was sleeping with other people.

- He'd call me incessantly - once he called 50 times in a row.

 

Worst of all, he started telling me about how he loved me, how he wanted us to get married etc.

 

To keep this behaviour to a minimum, I kept a little bit of contact with him, gradually he "weaned off" our relationship.

 

So I still speak/see him now and again.

 

Recently he mentioned he has now found "The One". I was a little dubious about this - he had said he wanted to marry me at one point and I mentioned this.

 

He laughed. As if it was hilarious, and then went on to tell me how this girl was different and he'd never felt this was before.

 

Great - but why put me through hell then?!?! I'm not jealous or anything - I always said to him that, one day he would meet someone and realise that he didn't love me, not really. He insisted this wasn't the case.

 

In fact, the whole premise of "I loved you so much and wanted to marry you" was used by him to justify his behaviour, not only to me but to our friends. Our friends felt sorry for HIM because, supposedly, he was the one who was heartbroken.

 

While I'm glad he's someone elses problem now, it's really reopened old wounds. I was traumatised by the whole thing - just goes to show you should always trust your gut!

[Seeker12]

Wow just be happy your out of it, he seems crazy! Basically you broke up with him but he couldnt let you go, either because he didnt want to be alone or has issues being independent etc. he went through all the stages of denial, anger etc etc and only reached acceptance when he found someone else, dont be surprised if he comes banging at your door if this girl dumps him! Cut him off honestly, completely.

[HGirl]

Yeah, Hindsight truly is amazing.

 

While we were dating, I thought he was the nicest, sweetest, most generous guy ever.

 

He actually was seeing another girl before he has found "The One".

 

He hit on me and tried to have sex with me pretty early on in that relationship. (I had none of it). He was never fussed on her and has basically been tagging her along and only dumped her when someone else he preferred came up. Pretty awful, Huh?

 

So bizarre how different the person I thought I was dating is to this guy.

[stillafool]

It happens to the best of us. They spend years with one person, break up and before you know it they have found the love of their life. Been there so I know how you feel. You should wish him well and be glad it's not you.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

If someone dumped me because of "you don't love me" I would be peeved too...

[HGirl]

If someone dumped me because of "you don't love me" I would be peeved too...

 

Why? I was obviously spot on! You don't emotionally bully someone you love. You don't use love as an excuse for poor behaviour towards the supposed love one.

 

If anything I deserve a round of applause.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

For telling him & pushing him to go & do exactly what he done? Be careful what u wish for.. U might just get it

[HGirl]

For telling him & pushing him to go & do exactly what he done? Be careful what u wish for.. U might just get it

 

Well I obviously did him a favour - if I'm not "The One", then he would've been staying in a relationship with the wrong person for him.

 

I knew this, he just didn't want to accept it.

 

And sorry, but what an awful thing to say that I "pushed him" into dong it.I mostly certainly did not deserve or bring on that type of behaviour.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

"However I broke up with him because 1. I doubted he loved me (though he was adamant he did)"

 

"I always said to him that, one day he would meet someone and realise that he didn't love me, not really. He insisted this wasn't the case."

 

Yep & so that's what he done... I'm thinking u are actually very needy..

 

What did u expect trying to tell someone else how THEY feel... Did u want fireworks & a shooting stars as he begged at your feet...

 

It's all panned out just as u made it pan out

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

He was happy with u from what u have said... The entire problem here appears to be caused by you... U have to take some responsibility here. I don't see he's done anything wrong but be dumped my someone he loved & went & got on with his life, sorry

[HGirl]

He was happy with u from what u have said... The entire problem here appears to be caused by you... U have to take some responsibility here. I don't see he's done anything wrong but be dumped my someone he loved & went & got on with his life, sorry

 

I think you missed my point and no,i'm not needy....

 

I'm not annoyed he's found someone else. In fact, this is the second girl he's dated since we broke up. If anything i'm relieved because it minimises the potential for him to bother me again.

 

I'm indignant because he harped on about how much he loved me and this was justified for his bullying behaviour. I went through all that and for what?

 

I guess him just finding "the One" just fully illustrates just how pointless the whole episode was.

[HGirl]

He was happy with u from what u have said... The entire problem here appears to be caused by you... U have to take some responsibility here. I don't see he's done anything wrong but be dumped my someone he loved & went & got on with his life, sorry

 

er, No I did not cause him to physically threaten me. Breaking up with him for a legitimate reason, does not make me fair game for the above described behaviour. His inability to handle himself was NOTHING to do with me, and it was not my fault.

 

Also, there are two people in a relationship. He might've been happy, but I wasn't. Therefore it was not a happy relationship and it was right that it should end. Eventually he'd have ended up unhappy as well.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I could not even begin to imagine telling my partner that I love them & want to marry them & then be told "no you don't, u don't love me & one day u will meet someone you really love & then u will know u didn't love me" - what sort of games are u playing?

[HGirl]

So you understand the animosity I experienced while going through that breakup;

 

Everyone felt sorry for him. He was the dumpee and therefore the victim, right?

 

One night he got drunk and started calling me, repeatedly. He thought I was out and sleeping with other people.

 

When I turned my phone off, he called my best friend and started crying down the phone to her, heart wrenching crying.

 

She immediately asked me "What have you done?"

 

Because she couldn't fathom that someone would be so upset and not have been provoked.

 

But he hadn't been provoked. He was emotional because he was being possessive. He was trying to control me as much as possible and for him to do that, he had to make sure I wasn't seeing anyone else and he needed to know what I was doing at all times.

 

I went through the entire breakup without the support of my friends, because they couldn't see how manipulative he was actually being (to be fair, I didn't realise it fully either).

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

You need to open your eyes...

 

"One night he got drunk and started calling me, repeatedly. He thought I was out and sleeping with other people.

 

When I turned my phone off, he called my best friend and started crying down the phone to her, heart wrenching crying."

 

Because he LOVED you!!

[HGirl]

I could not even begin to imagine telling my partner that I love them & want to marry them & then be told "no you don't, u don't love me & one day u will meet someone you really love & then u will know u didn't love me" - what sort of games are u playing?

 

I wasn't playing games - I knew based on his actions that he was getting carried away with himself. I also now believe he was using this to manipulate me by;

1. Making me feel guilty (guilt is a VERY powerful tool).

2. using this to Justify his poor behaviour (I only do this because I love you so much).

 

Plus, I was right wasn't I? He just laughed at the idea of having said he wanted us to get married. So it was obviously disingenuous anyway!

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Why would u not answer & then turn your phone off.. That could be classed as emotional abuse...

[HGirl]

You need to open your eyes...

 

"One night he got drunk and started calling me, repeatedly. He thought I was out and sleeping with other people.

 

When I turned my phone off, he called my best friend and started crying down the phone to her, heart wrenching crying."

 

Because he LOVED you!!

 

It is very worrying that you think that is what love is.

 

Love is respect, acceptance and kindness.

 

If he'd loved me, he would have respected my decision and what I wanted.

 

He'd have accepted what I was saying and appreciated the advice I was trying to give him about finding someone else.

 

He would not have been so unkind so as to try and control me/isolate me from friends. He would not have wanted to upset me.

 

IN short, if he'd loved me, he'd have left me alone. Because when you TRULY love someone, their happiness is what is most important, even if that doesn't involve you being with them.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

He's winding u up & I do not blame him. I actually think u can probably still sort this out but stop playing silly games & trying to tell other people how they feel

[HGirl]

Why would u not answer & then turn your phone off.. That could be classed as emotional abuse...

 

Because I didn't want to be harassed on the phone by an emotional drunk. what a stupid thing to say.

 

I'm getting the impression you have been recently dumped yourself and are taking it out on me? Or you're just trolling?

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

& no that's jusy fantasy rubbish.. If u love someone u fight for them... He appears to have tried to do that now please climb down from your high horse, swallow some humble pie & go & sort it out before it really is too late

[HGirl]

He's winding u up & I do not blame him. I actually think u can probably still sort this out but stop playing silly games & trying to tell other people how they feel

 

Have you actually read the post?

 

We broke up years ago.

 

We are both with other people. We do not want to get back together.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

That's fine I don't blame u but u could have told him that not just ignored & switched your phone off

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Then why are u harping on about it!? U need to be a little bit more honest with yourself. I'm not being horrible to you, I really think the guy loved/still loves u & I think deep down you do too. Just please think for a moment how u would feel if u knew u loved someone & they kept saying "no u don't" please think about it x

[HGirl]

That's fine I don't blame u but u could have told him that not just ignored & switched your phone off

 

I had told him that many times. This was one of many occasions when he would repeatedly call and cause me distress.