Kenya Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 Hi everyone. my 1st post, i tried a few people with my issues and they all have different answers. So i thought that maybe you can give me some advise. Been married for 6 years with 3 kids. My husband is a freelance artist and I have a permanent job. Because of his job, any kind of credit is in my name. Weve had financial issues since we got married, my biggest issue is not that I pay for most things, but the fact that, he always manages to get us in some financial trouble unnecessarily. Currently things are tough and he hasnt made much this year, im burdened with all these bills, but the bills dont stress me as much as he does. every idea that i come up with,he doesnt implement.He is not willing to sit down n do the budget, he is not willing to compromise. I have literally down graded my entire life, hes not. Even when he has money he wont ask whats not paid so i can pay for it, he waits for me to ask him if he got paid, then ill ask him to pay a bill, he agrees but i have to ask more than once for it to be paid. Sometimes i have to fight. He needs the car for work and im thinking of not paying for it so it can get repossessed . but it will affect my credit record. If i run an idea past him and ask him to get back to me , he just wont.Im more tired of his irrisponsibility. I feel like i bailed him out for far too long and im tired of having 4 kids.
dichotomy Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 (edited) My thoughts. If he is not paying the bills you need to start the process of financially separating if not personally. If your paying for his car (or second car) simply tell him you are having difficulties making the payments and need to sell it - then do it. Don't let payments stop under your name. He can get his own car. If your listed on joint bills/bank accounts or credit cards or loans - start closing them off and putting only those YOU use in your name. If your cosigned on any of his stuff, get off it. I got married to a woman with terrible money issues, and only after years and when it was necessary did we co joint sign a loan. Mostly we are 90% separate credit and accounts. Still anything that requires her to pay or handle from a financial standpoint she is terrible. I recently found out she "forgot" to sign up for a flexible medical account for next year. Its only supplemental (I make sure we have main medical insurance)- but it would have been helpful and I am angry with her. Anyways - rather than her pay bills - she gives me a lump sump check each month and I pay 99% of bills. She even complains however when I remind her its the first of the month and I need her $$$$ monthly payment - but then the mortgage bill has to be paid. Again bottom line - before you consider physically separating which is an issue all in its own (few people get back after that) - get financially separated. I would also consult with an divorce attorney to review all your bills and money issues just in case. Edited November 8, 2014 by dichotomy 2
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I agree you need to separate financially, have separate personal accounts and an account that you both pay into monthly, to pay for all the bills, the shopping the kids, etc. As your money pays for most of the basic stuff, I think you should manage that bill paying account and as his money management is poor, he perhaps should be denied access to that bill paying account. As his money, being a freelancer, is probably not very regular, I think you need to take charge here, work out how much he made last year and get him to set up a monthly standing order for his total annual earnings/12, and pay that sum into the bill paying account. That way he can budget and know he can't just spend all his money and leave you to pay all the bills from your money. He needs to grow up. 1
oldshirt Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 In the eyes of creditors, courts etc, a married couple is often considered as one financial entity so this whole 'financial separation' will only go so far. You may have to actually divorce him. If you divorce and live in separate households, the court will order some degree of child support ( that will actually be complicated since his income is irregular and less than yours). If you get some kind of joint, shared custody, the court will require him to provide adequate housing, food etc for when he has them or they will order him to pay some kind of child support if you have primary custody. Either way, he will likely be forced to get a real job and support his kids after a divorce. In other words it may be that only through divorce will he have to step up and get a job and support his family. That is quite the irony isn't it? :-o As it stands right now you are enabling him to be irresponsible and allowing him to be a slacker that does what he wants without regard to his responsibilities. Cut off his gravy train and he may be forced by the courts to step up to the plate. You can still date him and sleep and maintain a personal relationship with him post-divorce if you want but I assume your respect and desire for him will be so low by that point that you will opt for an employed, responsible man instead once you become legally single and available. 1
Author Kenya Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 You all are touching on important things, but my biggest issue is not his low income but his lack of support when it comes to me suggesting ways to lower our responsibilities. For example he knows that he wont be able to pay for the house and he doesnt notify the bank then we get bounced check penalties, ill ask him nicely to do it, n he just wont do it. The list goes on and eventually all the bank penalties can buy a months supply of groceries. I realised today that every time when i suggest something, he wont take me serious because to him whether im talking nicely, suggesting something or just talking im fighting , controlling and nagging. He told me today that the way we are going a divorce is inevitable. Of course I know a divorce will give me financial freedom, well after years of paying off debts. But ill be left with 3 kids, from a broken home. im from a broken home its not nice .
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Obviously he is not to be trusted with financial stuff, so stop asking him, do it yourself, especially if it is losing you money, but make it clear there is a payback, get him to do the ironing or take the kids to the park. Divorce is a big step if all he has done is not pay a few bills on time. 1
Author Kenya Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 Obviously he is not to be trusted with financial stuff, so stop asking him, do it yourself, especially if it is losing you money, but make it clear there is a payback, get him to do the ironing or take the kids to the park. Divorce is a big step if all he has done is not pay a few bills on time. Elaine I dont want a divorce I just wanted a break, i wanted to be away for sometime, with the hope that he will realise that I was right. There are certain things that i feel i cant do for him. and everytime i do them, i end up resenting him for using me. and like i said its not a few bills, its not realising that the motgage is not paid and me asking him to go buy some thing cos im at work the whole day and he wont until I flip. Its him not paying his own traffic fines and him not worrying about his retirement, i have asked him so many times to get one or top up mine so that we get a larger retirement. Just a little responsibility is all im asking for .
CarrieT Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Elaine I dont want a divorce I just wanted a break, i wanted to be away for sometime, with the hope that he will realise that I was right. Just a little responsibility is all im asking for . I predict this will not end well. You just being gone is not going to produce a lightbulb above his head and suddenly instigate him to suddenly become responsible. 1
Arieswoman Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 Kenya, I hear what you're saying;- Of course I know a divorce will give me financial freedom, well after years of paying off debts. But ill be left with 3 kids, from a broken home. im from a broken home its not nice . But isn't it better for kids to come from a broken home than live in one? And what message are you sending to your children about adult relationships and financial responsibility?
Author Kenya Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 Kenya, I hear what you're saying;- But isn't it better for kids to come from a broken home than live in one? And what message are you sending to your children about adult relationships and financial responsibility? I get what you are saying completely, i have always believed that it is better to raise kids apart, than to do it together while fighting. And I know he is his fathers son. He is doing exactly what his father did to his mom. iv been watching him making the exact same mistakes his father is still making.
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