whatatangledweb Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 You over come it by facing it. You make it worse by putting it off. The fear will just continue to build. You end it then put the focus on your husband instead of what you miss about MM. Every time you think of him picture a stop sign. I know that sounds silly but it does work. Do it all at once. You can't just ease out of it, that seems to make it harder.
DKT3 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I don't think focusing on her husbands pain is really answering her question or helping her. She's asking for advice and help. But there's no easy answer. You have to get to the point where you've had enough. No one one here can get you there. HELLO?!!? why do u think im on here dying for advise and how to be strong?? I AM WILLING TO LET GO OF MM. I WANT TO CONTINUE MY MARRIAGE. so pls stop talking about my husband and about how i dont care about him and butting into our marriage.. thast between me and husb.. just please focus on what i am asking here. i am really helpless. the post above this was right about me seeking for strength.. and having had enough. I think i have reached that point where i have had enough.. what was ur experiences when u came to the point of "Enough".. How did u handle loss??? thats all i want to know. You are niether helpless or had enough. Saying your helpless is like saying its out of your control. Having enough would mean you would end it. You ask these same questions endlessly then you don't listen to what anyone says unless they coddle you. Your quoted post makes my point, if you truly cared about your husband or wanted to really work on your marriage you would be focusing on how to heal your husband and marriage. My story is posted here, its not about having enough, its about making decisions that you can live with. I've dealt with my on wayward wife, read many stories and your clearly not stressing over your marriage and husband. Its also been clear that if MM was willing you would walk away from your marriage. That isn't a foundation you can rebuild on. 1
truncated Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 HELLO?!!? why do u think im on here dying for advise and how to be strong?? I AM WILLING TO LET GO OF MM. I WANT TO CONTINUE MY MARRIAGE. so pls stop talking about my husband and about how i dont care about him and butting into our marriage.. thast between me and husb.. just please focus on what i am asking here. i am really helpless. the post above this was right about me seeking for strength.. and having had enough. I think i have reached that point where i have had enough.. what was ur experiences when u came to the point of "Enough".. How did u handle loss??? thats all i want to know. You aree no mor ehelpless than you allow yourself to be. It's almost as if you're scripted some sort of fairytale scenariofor yourself, and you are living in some sort of romance novel. There is a simple solution to this. It's to stop it. Full stop. Let go of this utter tosh that you can't control yourself when you can. You just have to want to, and stop listening to those who would see you drag this out as nauseum because ou need "closure" or some other nonsense. Wjat did you do when any other relationship you had ended before you thoguht it should. Somehow, you managed to move on. If you did it then, you can darn well do it now. If you realy wnat to. 1
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I just want him out.. I really Do.. i want him gone from my life.. BUt..I AM SCAREDDDDDDD.. I AM SOO SCARED OF THE PAIN I AM GOING TO FACE, THE HEARTACHE... please.. this is not even a joke.. just thinking about not talking to him anymore makes me want to not even wake up from the bed... You're in pain now ALL the time. You're up and down like a light switch and don't think your husband hasn't noticed your energy is not right. He knows something is 'off' here. Anyway, back to the pain...The pain you'll feel when you end it will be final. It'll be a grieving kind of pain, one that goes away not like the pain you're in now, all confused, all over the map, making NO decisions and doing nothing IS worse than making a decision and sticking to it. If you want out of your marriage, file for divorce. Leave your husband. If you want to save your marriage, end your affair and go complete NC with MM. Be true to yourself. Whatever that is.... Don't be afraid to feel pain. That's a part of life, we all go through pain, whether it's inflicted by someone else, intentional or accidental/death etc., everybody suffers badly at times throughout their life. You'll go through the stages of grief (read up on it) and get through this. Make yourself accountable and own your decision. Just do it. You're a grown woman, staying in stand-still and doing nothing is more damaging than making a plan and changing your life. 1
Sassy Girl Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I'm an OW here and I'll tell you that DKT is on the money. Youre worried about YOU, YOUR pain, YOUR fear, YOUR heartache... You, you, you. Now, to DKTs point... pull your head out of your behind and think about your husbands feelings. HIM. Put someone else first for a change. Your posts lately on here are verging on the obsessive. How do you think your husband would feel if he came across your posts, saw all this drama and self indulgence. Its all YOU YOU YOU. Care about your marriage??? Then obsess about HIM. Make this about HIM. Fix yourself so you can be the wife that HE deserves. Otherwise, its just all about you you you.... and when your husband finds out, you'll know that you caused it...HIS pain, HIS heartache, HIS fears... then his misery, and yours, will all be on you. 5
glow worm Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 My situation is a bit different, since I was a single OW and all. But, I do know exactly what you're talking about with the fear of the pain you will face once ending the A. What really helped me when I made the final decision to end my A 3 months ago is that the pain you are experiencing while in the A, is in reality much worse than the pain you will experience ending the A. One of my friends described it to me as "Think of it as making an investment. You are trading a couple of months of intense heartache and sorrow for the future reward of being free from all the everyday pain and negative aspects of being in an A." If you end the A, it will be extremely painful and you will miss him. BUT this pain is different than the proverbial "rollercoaster" pain of being in an A, because this breakup pain will get better over time. And you will be free. Everyone processes grief differently. For me, I'm three months NC and it's still painful for me and I still miss him every day. But I've been getting a little better and stronger each day. Realizing that I'm much better off now than the literal agony of being in an A is what helps me maintain NC. I hope this helps. 2
Author hello234 Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 My situation is a bit different, since I was a single OW and all. But, I do know exactly what you're talking about with the fear of the pain you will face once ending the A. What really helped me when I made the final decision to end my A 3 months ago is that the pain you are experiencing while in the A, is in reality much worse than the pain you will experience ending the A. One of my friends described it to me as "Think of it as making an investment. You are trading a couple of months of intense heartache and sorrow for the future reward of being free from all the everyday pain and negative aspects of being in an A." If you end the A, it will be extremely painful and you will miss him. BUT this pain is different than the proverbial "rollercoaster" pain of being in an A, because this breakup pain will get better over time. And you will be free. Everyone processes grief differently. For me, I'm three months NC and it's still painful for me and I still miss him every day. But I've been getting a little better and stronger each day. Realizing that I'm much better off now than the literal agony of being in an A is what helps me maintain NC. I hope this helps. - Thank u for the words.. that did help.. SO i am not the only one who believes being in an affair is very painful.. MM is opposite to me though, thats why its been very difficult for me and i keep questioning my own moves.. He says he is "happy" with how things are (somehow he is able to overlook the fact of me going to bed with my spouse at night- not sure if it affects him, but he seems to be oK enough to continue the affair), he says "extramarital affair" and all are just man made terms.. so he basically thinks we are not doing anything wrong and by his words "Only humans have limitations but GOD doesntt have any limitations on us continuing this relation.." . So bottom line, how is it that he does not feel the rollercoaster set of emotions and pain that many of us do? the only pain he feels is when i say i want to end it and says that i am creating a drama... so of course i am thinking to myself like, "am i the one creating drama here?"
MuddyFootprints Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 You are not cut out for this. Not only is an affair painful, it's crazy making. And you are letting him drive you crazy over it. Don't be scared. Be PI$$ED!
Poppy47 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 YOu think that will be painful? Wait until your whole world comes crashing down around you. The loss of your present life and family will teach you what loss truly means. It will affect everybody you know and all your relationships. The answer is STOP. A little pain now is better than a ruined future. POppy. 6
Artie Lang Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 (edited) well, after 98 posts and countless thread going on about the same ol' thing, you'd think you'd be farther along by now. this won't end until you start being honest with yourself and your husband. enough coddling, already. you know what you have to, so do it! Edited November 13, 2014 by Artie Lang 2
Scarlet2 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 - Thank u for the words.. that did help.. SO i am not the only one who believes being in an affair is very painful.. MM is opposite to me though, thats why its been very difficult for me and i keep questioning my own moves.. He says he is "happy" with how things are (somehow he is able to overlook the fact of me going to bed with my spouse at night- not sure if it affects him, but he seems to be oK enough to continue the affair), he says "extramarital affair" and all are just man made terms.. so he basically thinks we are not doing anything wrong and by his words "Only humans have limitations but GOD doesntt have any limitations on us continuing this relation.." . So bottom line, how is it that he does not feel the rollercoaster set of emotions and pain that many of us do? the only pain he feels is when i say i want to end it and says that i am creating a drama... so of course i am thinking to myself like, "am i the one creating drama here?" Going back and forth IS creating drama and eventually what's going to happen is your MM won't want to deal with it anymore. It's not fair to your husband but it's also not fair to play with your MM's emotions either, you'll end up losing both of them due to your flip flopping. There's only two options, pick one or drop both to find someone new... You've made it clear you cannot have both.
Goodbye Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I am scared.. Scared of loss and a broken heart... I know i have posted many many times on here and people have been wonderful and patient about giving me advise on MM- thank u for that. I have been going back and forth about whether or not to end the affair, leave him completely, keep it low contact or continue..bla bla.. i am soo tired and mentally and emotionally exhaustted...has been a roller coaster of soo much frustration and pain ( no1 lies when they say an affair is pain and heartache)..Right now we are back in contact but i am continuing to get frustrated day by day over the same stuff and reading ppls advise on here fumes my negativity toward MM even more.. I just want him out.. I really Do.. i want him gone from my life.. BUt..I AM SCAREDDDDDDD.. I AM SOO SCARED OF THE PAIN I AM GOING TO FACE, THE HEARTACHE... please.. this is not even a joke.. just thinking about not talking to him anymore makes me want to not even wake up from the bed... How DO i overcome this FEAR OF PAIN ND BE STRONG? I read somewhere some one else commented on someones post "dont be scared of loosing him".. those words inspired me and gave me a bit of confidence hearing words like that... You sound like you are in the throws of addiction. As I'm sure you've read here, many (including myself) describe the affair as addictive. I needed to detox. It is hard, really hard...but a necessary part of recovery. I'd suggest getting into therapy if you aren't already. Tell MM you need to go NC, and that he must help you and abide by this. Can you take a few days to yourself? I had to crawl into bed for a few days, not take care of others, to get through the very initial stage of NC. After a week or so I got back into day to day life. Filled with grief but willing to experience it knowing that it would, in time, lead to the end of this pain. I'm not sure how much your H knows about your situation. Could be very complicated navigating your grief over MM while being married. Journal, talk to friends, walk, meditate, scream in the shower....do anything BUT contact MM. After a month, you will start to feel human again. At some point it would be good to have a long, honest talk with your H...it sounds like you are desperate need of healing. Don't be scared of the pain that is ahead. Know it is survivable. With time it gets less severe. It is the only way out.
Friskyone4u Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 You are NOt helpless. You are a grown woman with a brain and you know what you are doing is wrong. What you are looking for is someone on here to tell you a simple and painless way to stop your affair and make believe it did not happen. A drug addict cannot quit without discomfort and you will not stop this affair with out putting as much energy into stopping as you have been into lying and deceiving your husband. Do not tell everyone this crap to stop bringing your husband into this because it is him you are disrespecting every day of your life . And you expect your behavior not to take any emotional toll on you. Of course it is terrible. You are leading two lives Your wonderful boyfriend is having a blast. He is banging you whenever he feels like it and why would he stop. You're his little toy. You can post on here for years and until you make a decision and stick to it with the determination like you have had to be a cheater , you will get no peace. One of the other posters asked how you would feel if your husband was reading this. You ought to think about it So if you really want to stop, do it. Only you can. Looking for empathy and encouragement on how hard it is for you will not solve your problem. Either you will face the pain and be strong or you will just wallow in the mess you are in and whine to the women on here who will tell you they understand what you are going through and tell you to just keep doing what you are doing because it is painful. Sorry for the 2x4 but you seem to be more worried about your affair than your marriage. So why don't you just end it, one of the other . Your problem ain't going away by itself 2
FusionCutter Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Exactly. If you cause pain for others, you expect you expect to get though pain free? It's only fair. There's no magic way out of this.
Author hello234 Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 thanks for all feedback.. I know ive been going back n forth im just frustrated n confused myself Another thing that stops me from committing to a decision is I keep thinking about what MM is going to think or feel like.. i did end up caring for him n his feelings.. he will feel sad n hurt( or am i an idiot n wrong) ? and he will think i am some drama queen.. n i know ur gonna say " what about husbands feelings??" well i m considering his feelings too tats y trying to cut this affair but i also cant help feel about MM n think abt his feelings, on a friendly level even...
Realist3 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 (edited) hello234, I have been hesitant to reply to your threads because frankly you are all over the map emotionally and psychologically. In other words, a complete mess. That is not an insult just an observation of you going from one extreme to the other in regards to MM. He's a great guy, he's a bad guy, he's so sweet, you don't want to appear he rejected you so he is a bad guy again, he chases after me what does that mean does that make him different than most MM, is he crazy for me?, does he love me?, how can I deal with the pain?, I want him out of my life, etc. etc. etc.. There were several things that dawned on me especially when I learned this was only a 5 month affair. You don't know MM. These questions and back and forth all over the place are because you do not KNOW him. You obviously have fallen in love with what he has fed to you in that short period of time, but was not enough to keep you from having tons of insecurities about him or his motives. The next observation is that you think you might have found someone better than your husband. You said something about, and I am paraphrasing, "What if in three months of NC and he forgets about me, and I realize I made a mistake." After only 5 months you are this deep in? Your comment says a lot about your feelings towards your husband. Next, neither of you are on the same page at all. He says he is "happy" with how things are (somehow he is able to overlook the fact of me going to bed with my spouse at night- not sure if it affects him, but he seems to be oK enough to continue the affair), he says "extramarital affair" and all are just man made terms.. so he basically thinks we are not doing anything wrong and by his words "Only humans have limitations but GOD doesntt have any limitations on us continuing this relation.." . You both want and expect different things from this affair. Until you two have a serious discussion about understanding what each other wants, you will continue wandering around in the dark like a lost puppy dog, driving yourself crazy. From my eyes this affair just seems so superficial around the edges. For your emotions to be this strong it is beyond obvious that there are many things you need to be discussing with him instead of asking anonymous posters on the internet about what he is thinking or expects. Until you have those discussions with him you will not done. You will have to determine whether you are okay with being a side piece and a close friend. I will say that again, you are not done with this. When someone is done, there is not over-thinking and stressing about the things you have been over the past several weeks. Done means washing your hands of the whole situation and being confident in that decision. Sure there will be a grieving process, but that will pass in time. Have those discussions with him and decide if that is something you are willing to accept. Edited November 13, 2014 by Realist3 10
FusionCutter Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 hello234, I have been hesitant to reply to your threads because frankly you are all over the map emotionally and psychologically. In other words, a complete mess. That is not an insult just an observation of you going from one extreme to the other in regards to MM. He's a great guy, he's a bad guy, he's so sweet, you don't want to appear he rejected you so he is a bad guy again, he chases after me what does that mean does that make him different than most MM, is he crazy for me?, does he love me?, how can I deal with the pain?, I want him out of my life, etc. etc. etc.. There were several things that dawned on me especially when I learned this was only a 5 month affair. You don't know MM. These questions and back and forth all over the place are because you do not KNOW him. You obviously have fallen in love with what he has fed to you in that short period of time, but was not enough to keep you from having tons of insecurities about him or his motives. The next observation is that you think you might have found someone better than your husband. You said something about, and I am paraphrasing, "What if in three months of NC and he forgets about me, and I realize I made a mistake." After only 5 months you are this deep in? Your comment says a lot about your feelings towards your husband. Next, neither of you are on the same page at all. You both want and expect different things from this affair. Until you two have a serious discussion about understanding what each other wants, you will continue wandering around in the dark like a lost puppy dog, driving yourself crazy. From my eyes this affair just seems so superficial around the edges. For your emotions to be this strong it is beyond obvious that there are many things you need to be discussing with him instead of asking anonymous posters on the internet about what he is thinking or expects. Until you have those discussions with him you will not done. You will have to determine whether you are okay with being a side piece and a close friend. I will say that again, you are not done with this. When someone is done, there is not over-thinking and stressing about the things you have been over the past several weeks. Done means washing your hands of the whole situation and being confident in that decision. Sure there will be a grieving process, but that will pass in time. Have those discussions with him and decide if that is something you are willing to accept. Respect. A really well thought out post. hello234, you should really put aside your crazy irritational thoughts, calm down and read his post a few times to understand yourself. 1
Author hello234 Posted November 13, 2014 Author Posted November 13, 2014 hello234, I have been hesitant to reply to your threads because frankly you are all over the map emotionally and psychologically. In other words, a complete mess. That is not an insult just an observation of you going from one extreme to the other in regards to MM. He's a great guy, he's a bad guy, he's so sweet, you don't want to appear he rejected you so he is a bad guy again, he chases after me what does that mean does that make him different than most MM, is he crazy for me?, does he love me?, how can I deal with the pain?, I want him out of my life, etc. etc. etc.. There were several things that dawned on me especially when I learned this was only a 5 month affair. You don't know MM. These questions and back and forth all over the place are because you do not KNOW him. You obviously have fallen in love with what he has fed to you in that short period of time, but was not enough to keep you from having tons of insecurities about him or his motives. The next observation is that you think you might have found someone better than your husband. You said something about, and I am paraphrasing, "What if in three months of NC and he forgets about me, and I realize I made a mistake." After only 5 months you are this deep in? Your comment says a lot about your feelings towards your husband. Next, neither of you are on the same page at all. You both want and expect different things from this affair. Until you two have a serious discussion about understanding what each other wants, you will continue wandering around in the dark like a lost puppy dog, driving yourself crazy. From my eyes this affair just seems so superficial around the edges. For your emotions to be this strong it is beyond obvious that there are many things you need to be discussing with him instead of asking anonymous posters on the internet about what he is thinking or expects. Until you have those discussions with him you will not done. You will have to determine whether you are okay with being a side piece and a close friend. I will say that again, you are not done with this. When someone is done, there is not over-thinking and stressing about the things you have been over the past several weeks. Done means washing your hands of the whole situation and being confident in that decision. Sure there will be a grieving process, but that will pass in time. Have those discussions with him and decide if that is something you are willing to accept. - THANK U. for this thoughtful and considerate post.. I know u dont mean to insult me. You could be right in what you said. I know that maybe I do not know him so well.. See, that is the problem I am having.. My mind is torn in between "should i stay and get to know him better, then maybe things would work out better for me and insecurities would go away? At least as a friend?" Or "Jus end it all now and save the pain.." if i do continue, i am going to face pain anyways right? Now, as i already "broke up" with him 3 other times, and again now i am distancing myself.. he doesnt understand why.. to him, we are not doing anything wrong.. its all "Gods" choice... HOW DO i make such a guy understand that this isnt the best thing for both of us? He says, speak for urself.. but how do i make him understand and in a rational and calm way that im not cut out for this? i told him its stress for me.. i dont want him to think i am a drama queen... at the same time i am sad to loose him as a friend as we both have a lot in common and discuss alot about our depression and anxietys...
Sub Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 to him, we are not doing anything wrong.. its all "Gods" choice... HOW DO i make such a guy understand that this isnt the best thing for both of us? He says, speak for urself.. but how do i make him understand and in a rational and calm way that im not cut out for this? i told him its stress for me.. I think he's crossed the "crazy" line with the talk about it being God's choice, but that's a whole other conversation. You don't need to make him realize or understand anything. Just cut him off, ask him to leave you alone, and then tell your H. Honestly, I think the telling your H is the ONLY way anything's going to possibly change for you.
Realist3 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 - THANK U. for this thoughtful and considerate post.. I know u dont mean to insult me. You could be right in what you said. I know that maybe I do not know him so well.. See, that is the problem I am having.. My mind is torn in between "should i stay and get to know him better, then maybe things would work out better for me and insecurities would go away? At least as a friend?" Or "Jus end it all now and save the pain.." if i do continue, i am going to face pain anyways right? Again, I think this involves a serious question to him. "Where do you see this going? What do you want out of this? Are we both supplementing our marriages with no future, or are we looking towards something more?" I'm not sure if you live in India or not, but the cultural norms could play a part in his answer. I understand all of that complication. Now, as i already "broke up" with him 3 other times, and again now i am distancing myself.. he doesnt understand why.. to him, we are not doing anything wrong.. its all "Gods" choice... HOW DO i make such a guy understand that this isnt the best thing for both of us? He says, speak for urself.. but how do i make him understand and in a rational and calm way that im not cut out for this? i told him its stress for me.. i dont want him to think i am a drama queen... at the same time i am sad to loose him as a friend as we both have a lot in common and discuss alot about our depression and anxietys... Does he love you like you love him? Way too early to tell. It seems you want to follow your heart, but are hamstrung by your religious bindings. I know that is VERY difficult. I'm not going to try to tell you to do one thing or another. That is up for you to decide. You are obviously very conflicted. In my opinion, it would take some more time to decide whether this MM is a path you want to go down. You have to get to know each other better if you aren't willing to walk away. Step back and take a seep breath. Stay away from the intimate stuff, and see how it goes. You have to be able to judge his true intentions, and thus far you don't seem to have a very good read on that. I know a lot of that is very cultural. Lay back a little bit and let the truths come out. Then you will know him and his intentions. I'm not going to judge you in one way or another, but be confident in what you do decide to do. 1
Realist3 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 I think he's crossed the "crazy" line with the talk about it being God's choice, but that's a whole other conversation. You don't need to make him realize or understand anything. Just cut him off, ask him to leave you alone, and then tell your H. Honestly, I think the telling your H is the ONLY way anything's going to possibly change for you. Sub, with all due respect, you don't understand the culture. 1
cif Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 (edited) I haven't read all posts but why don't you go 60 days strict NC, focus all your energy on your home, husband, marriage.. then decide what you want. You obviously need clarity. And not having OM in the picture can provide that. Surely, if this is true love it can handle a couple months apart. Edited November 13, 2014 by cif 1
cif Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 Sub, with all due respect, you don't understand the culture. This is why she shouldn't tell her husband.. or leave him for that matter. If she does move on to an open relationship with OM, they will be outcasts. Is it really worth it?
Realist3 Posted November 13, 2014 Posted November 13, 2014 This is why she shouldn't tell her husband.. or leave him for that matter. If she does move on to an open relationship with OM, they will be outcasts. Is it really worth it? Exactly, herein lies the problem most of us don't realize. It is easy to place our cultural norms on others without walking a step in their shoes. 1
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