idoltree Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 (edited) He says I need to grow up in order for us to be in a "mature adult relationship". He wouldn't know a "mature adult relationship" if one smacked him right in the forehead. His mind isn't working normal, this just isn't normal.Correct. He has some sort of personality or mental disorder (my money is on co-occurring BPD and NPD), and he isn't going to get better by you "being happy with yourself" and "winning him over." There is no hurdle that you can finally jump over and have him not creating more insanity for you to have to fix. He is gaslighting you, which is a way to confuse you enough that you stick around for more. It is emotional abuse, plain and simple. He abandons you to manipulate you, which is emotional abuse, plain and simple. He devalues you and removes love on a whim, which is emotional abuse, plain and simple. And it sounds like you've got the beginning of physical abuse in the mix too, which will only escalate if you stick around. He isn't going to get better, and this relationship isn't going to get better. All it's going to do is to continue to damage you psychologically. You've already incurred damage, which is why you are having trouble seeing him clearly and how obviously ridiculous his behavior is. Honey, run. I know you love him, but if you think about it, you don't. This crazy part of him is part of the real him. You tell yourself "if only, if only", but that guy that you think is under there that if you work hard enough will come back and stay is only a piece of him. The good and the (really really) bad are who he is. You don't love him; you love who you want him to be. Let that reality strengthen your resolve to walk away and find an emotionally healthy person who can have a healthy relationship with you. Also, shift your focus from him to you. What made you attracted to this person? He gave off some signals early one that the crazy was lurking, and they drew you in rather than repelled you. Work on your self-esteem and emotional health so you can pick up on those signals in the future and stay far far away from someone who is just not right. Out there somewhere is a guy who would be horrified to see you being treated this way. Get out of this so that you can find that guy and experience real love, instead of emotional and physical abuse. If you don't prioritize and care about yourself, then no one else will be able to, either. Edited November 9, 2014 by idoltree 1
evanescentworld Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 ... How am I supposed to be happy when he broke up with me? By realising just how huge the bullet you've dodged, is. You may not think so right now, but the guy has done you a big favour. Big. HUGE. Massive. Thank your lucky stars.... And I'm supposed to get back together with this guy? Good grief for all that is blessed in heaven and on earth, No! a 1000 times, NO!! His mind isn't working normal, this just isn't normal. Pretty sound, sensible and logical reason for running and never looking back, if you ask me.....
evanescentworld Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 As I said in a previous post - he has a bestfriend and his bestfriend's girlfriend broke up with him a week before my ex boyfriend broke up with me. His bestfriend has been saying how much he's enjoying his own space etc, but he is still meeting up with his ex girlfriend quite frequently. I don't know but I have a feeling my ex boyfriend has been influenced by this, he thinks the world of his bestfriend and it all makes sense. Well in taht case, he's an immature, calculating, manipulative, screwy sheep. Other than the fact my ex is just strange in how he is treating me, he wants me but doesn't want me. And I would suggest you, instead, don't want him AND don't want him. Best suggestion I can offer, given his frame of mind and highly questionable maturity and mental state..... What the **** I don't know. Of course you do't. Wood...? Trees....? Understandable. Luckily, we have a few metaphorical chainsaws we can work for you.... You all speak truth and I agree with what every one of you has posted. So I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for your help and support. I really do appreciate it It doesn't matter, and none of it is of any importance or relevance if knowing it to be true, and you agree - you either do nothing, or the complete opposite. Then we have the tendency to get a leeeettle bit testy.... Never did I ever think I'd be in a situation like this at my age.Hmph! What does age matter - ?! Honey, you can walk this, with us backing you up, it's a cinch!
newmoon Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 "However about 1 year + into the relationship he changed, completely. I saw a side to him that was horrible. He was like a complete Jeckl & Hyde. One day so loving, the next day he blamed everything on me and was just a complete narcissist. ..." that point of the change is when your relationship ended and you both should have moved on. it's been limping along since then, and you were probably 'dumped' in terms of emotions and feelings a long time ago. the healthiest thing you can now do is move forward.
Tabitha87 Posted November 10, 2014 Posted November 10, 2014 I'd say you're pretty fortune that he broke up with you & it wasn't the other way around. People like that don't tend to let you go so easily, unless it's on their terms. I've been going through it for 9 years. I broke up with him over a month ago & have allowed him to stay in my house solely because we have kids & am trying be amicable. He doesn't want it to end though & keeps hoping I'll change my mind. He's all stalkerish now & I'm limited to using my phone for means of connecting to social media because he installed a keylogger onto my computer that I don't know how to uninstall. So, thank your lucky stars he's letting you walk away peacefully.
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