Boyfriend abruptly broke up with me out of fear of committment

November 8, 2014

My boyfriend announced on Wednesday night via text that he wants to break up with me because he does not love me enough to be with me for a lifetime. Instead of coming home, he decided to leave the state to go back to his parents house. I expressed to him while I don't want to get married right now, of course in the long run, that would be the goal. According to his own words he says "I'm just not that guy right now. I'm just not that guy for anyone right now, especially for you." I do appreciate his honesty but after dating for three years it came as a shock to me.

You see, this is not the first time we have discussed this. After the first discussion we agreed that we were in a dating relationship working toward someday being committed. In other words, if all things are fair and equal and the relationship continues on as it has been, it's not an unrealistic expectation to wed. Then we had another discussion where he stated that he could not marry me because he has a lot of issues going on in his personal life such as, lack of love for self, broken relationship with father, and lack of a real career. There are some times when I mention marriage that he is very evasive. Never answers the question completely. But when we discuss elements of what constitutes a marriage he's all for it. He will say things like: I really wish that I could see what you look like in a white dress. I can't wait to see our kids. I wish that I could buy us this house. I want to travel the world together. Maybe you should stay at home and raise the kids while I work. I want to see you grow old. While he mentions no legal binding of the union, although we are not extremely religious we grew up in Catholicism/Christianity, so he knows of course, that none of this can happen without the initial step of marriage.

I spoke to him tonight and he said he feels like he's always protecting me and my feelings. I took great offense to that because I do the same for him and he acknowledged that. I'm 28. He's 27. I am also his first real relationship. I love him dearly.

Edited November 8, 2014 by honeycomb2

November 8, 2014

My boyfriend announced on Wednesday night via text that he wants to break up with me because he does not love me enough to be with me for a lifetime. Instead of coming home, he decided to leave the state to go back to his parents house. I expressed to him while I don't want to get married right now, of course in the long run, that would be the goal. According to his own words he says "I'm just not that guy right now. I'm just not that guy for anyone right now, especially for you." I do appreciate his honesty but after dating for three years it came as a shock to me.

You see, this is not the first time we have discussed this. After the first discussion we agreed that we were in a dating relationship working toward someday being committed. In other words, if all things are fair and equal and the relationship continues on as it has been, it's not an unrealistic expectation to wed. Then we had another discussion where he stated that he could not marry me because he has a lot of issues going on in his personal life such as, lack of love for self, broken relationship with father, and lack of a real career. There are some times when I mention marriage that he is very evasive. Never answers the question completely. But when we discuss elements of what constitutes a marriage he's all for it. He will say things like: I really wish that I could see what you look like in a white dress. I can't wait to see our kids. I wish that I could buy us this house. I want to travel the world together. Maybe you should stay at home and raise the kids while I work. I want to see you grow old. While he mentions no legal binding of the union, although we are not extremely religious we grew up in Catholicism/Christianity, so he knows of course, that none of this can happen without the initial step of marriage.

I spoke to him tonight and he said he feels like he's always protecting me and my feelings. I took great offense to that because I do the same for him and he acknowledged that. I'm 28. He's 27. I am also his first real relationship. I love him dearly.

Any thoughts to this?

November 8, 2014

I personally think he has got cold feet to be honest, the fear of commitment dawned on him, and the fact that he will be finally tied up completely in marriage. Its not that he doesnt love you, its the fact that he hasnt grown enough to know what he wants, or atleast got to the point where he knows what he wants. He is and was comfortable in the original relationship, and sounded very much happy, but again the fear of complete commitment and all that comes with marriage has given him cold feet.

Go NC, give him some time, some space, and get out of his life, once he feels that void that you have left in his life one thing will happen, you will become independent and in control and not emotionally attached so you can really evaluate whether you want to be with this guy, and two, he will begin to have clarity about what he really wants, and if he loved you, he will for sure miss you and come back. This will only happen with proper No Contact.

November 8, 2014

Wowwwww. Our stories are similar!! Conversations about children, how he would ask my mum to help him choose my engagement ring etc, can't wait to live with me; saving for a mortgage etc. and then pooof!! One day it all apparently becomes too much and scared him!

Has your guy acknowledged that he has an issue with commitment?

I'm not really sure I've got much advice for u as I don't know how to do with this myself! It makes it all the more hard when there's been discussions about the future and there was nothing wrong with our relationship, which he admits!

I think the advice from seeker12 is good, it's just sticking to it!! Haha.

November 8, 2014

Hi BeautyPrincess,

See, I'm my guy's first girlfriend so he hasn't acknowledged that he has an issue with commitment. What he has acknowledged is that he doesn't love me like that. Not enough to be fully committed and wants to let me go for someone that can be committed to me. What I will say is that my bf has many troubles with decision making. He will ask me something like, what time should I wake up tomorrow or when he goes to the gym, should I swim or should I squat or should I do yoga. Sometimes because he is never sure, he literally packs clothes to do all of the activities at the gym. Swimsuit, basketball shoes, tennis shoes, everything.

When he says there is absolutely nothing wrong it's painful. But I just don't believe that someone can up and leave without their being something wrong. My guy is very sensitive and can be easily swayed by me. Luckily I don't take advantage of him like many mean girls would. But that being said, I never really stood outside of myself to evaluate how he experiences me in the relationship. Although it's cheesy I am reading a book on men. He is returning Sunday to discuss our relationship ending and before reading this book, I wrote a somewhat scathing letter (oh I'm not going to fumble my way through my speech) and now this book has changed my whole perspective on what I need to say. See, I don't need to mention how committed I have been, he knows this. And strict no contact will let him learn this even more.

I think you and I are in a unique situation because we do desire for our men to come back. My mom thinks he will come back in time. Every forum I post on, people say he will come back but of course, I don't think he will come back. But this is where the failure comes in. Just like your man changed his mind like that to disappear, he can also change his mind like that to come back. What you and I have to do is be objective. If your man calls and wishes to discuss the end of the relationship don't make it about him (this is what he expects) make it about you. Apologize for things that when you think about could have caused this friction beyond just the pressure of marriage. Write it down. Check it for objectivity and stick to the script. That way, when there is no contact and he is reevaluating the relationship in his own mind, those last words will stick out to him, show that you are mature and not a hysterical female and demonstrate power. The power of a woman that may be able to move on without him. Now institute no contact. Real no contact--which is tough because holiday season is approaching and so is his birthday . But any little crumbs that you can give that person, even on christmas or their birthday may be enough to soothe no contact. That is not what you want. And guess what, if he never comes back, you would have moved on with your life open to better opportunities. During no contact, I'm going to pray that God changes his heart and mind and that I become more objective and begin to see things even more clearly. Even though we love these idiots, you have to be careful of letting someone back in to your life that was willing to let you possibly go forever. You and I should keep in contact if you don't mind just to see how things go.

November 8, 2014

Shoot. Also, if you can shift the conversation so that the breakup seems mutual. This again creates power and makes you just as much as the chooser as he is.

November 8, 2014

Thank you seeker. It's just so hard to hear the words "I don't love you like that." So difficult to hear everyone else say that he will come back eventually but me having to, for my own heart act like he never will. You are right, no contact.

November 8, 2014

If he is telling you he is not in love with you and doesn't see you as his wife, why are you even questioning him? Believe people when they tell you about themselves. Be happy that he is not wasting more of your time by staying with you when he doesn't see a future. It is very rare that people go on to marry their first loves. He has said he was protecting your feelings when he went along with all the "together forever" talk. It's not going to happen. You should go strict NC and try to heal and move on.

November 8, 2014

Just to be clear, when he mentioned "I am always protecting your feelings," that was not in reference to the together forever talk, that was in reference to him wanting to talk over the phone but me wanting to talk over text. I am questioning him in my mind because when I don't bring up commitment, he will say as crass as it sounds "**** it let's get married." He says "I see you as my wife someday." He will email me pictures of weddings, what our children could look like with no prompting from me. Before I ever brought up marriage, he wrote a card to me mentioning it first. I have been married before and have said to him that I don't know if I would ever get married again. So I am grateful that he is not wasting my time because I don't want to be twice divorced. I sincerely feel that it really became an issue when I took control of the conversation and although I never placed a deadline on things, simply implying one caused him to freak out. He has a serious issue with deadlines so much so that he has had counseling on this issue. I acknowledged that it is a very tall order for someone to marry their first love in my first post, especially for a male. But in casual conversation over a tea, or grocery shopping, if someone looks at a child a mother and says to you, "I know that you will make a great mother to our children," or asks your favorite restaurant "How much would a wedding reception cost here?" Or when you are attending mass and he whispers "I wonder if we could fill up this whole church with family and friends." This makes your ears perk up. Nonetheless, I have no choice but to heal. I am going to move on and I'm not going to bargain with him face to face or at any point during this process but I am also not going to end things on a bad note either making it so that his last memories of me are of someone that needed to be protected in the first place. I never needed protection.

Edited November 8, 2014 by honeycomb2

November 8, 2014

It sounds like he has never been fully committed. At the very least, he was never as committed as you. I'm sure you would marry him right now if given the chance and have wanted to for some time. I mean, it's been 3 years. That's plenty if time to know, so you don't need to apologize and minimize what you want. I say that because you mentioned you told him you didn't want to get married right now but in the future. I'm calling BS on that. You've probably accepted less than what you want for most of the relationship in hopes that he would one day give you the relationship you want.

So he's told you he doesn't love you enough to spend his life with you. That's painful to hear but has likely been the case the entire time. Best advice is to move on to find someone who can give you what you want. You've wasted 3 years. You only have a limited amount of time on earth, so I would suggest you cut all communication with him. It's not fear of commitment. He just doesn't want to commit to you.

November 8, 2014

He doesn't have a fear of commitment. He has a fear of commitment TO YOU.

As hard as it is to hear this, this is the reality of the situation.

I got the same spiel from my ex. Together almost 3 years, he wasn't sure if he was ready for that next step, he needed to be single, he wasn't set in his career, he had money issues, family issues yadda yadda

He met his next girlfriend, who he made his fiance a mere 8 months later.

There was never a fear of commitment, just a fear of being stuck with me for life. And it's your ex's situation too: "I don't love you enough to want to be with you for a lifetime." These are very bold words.

Do you know why he's evasive when you bring up kids/marriage? He doesn't see it with you and it makes him uncomfortable.

My ex also dropped random comments about getting engaged and all that, it was just talk.

I don't think this is the guy that's going to be your husband and take that next step with you.

November 8, 2014

Two cents from an old guy....

It's quite clear in his inability to make decisions that he lacks confidence, and that's a huge factor. Of course he won't feel like he'd be able to support you and a family if he doesn't have a 'real career'. I was in the same position as him in my 20's and early 30's. I was still at home. I went from job to job and didn't want to commit for lack of direction. I didn't want to hurt the women I was dating as much as I loved her.

I don't know of any male friend of mine that didn't have a broken relationship with his father. It's something I had to deal with as well. No easy task but I had to in order to an grow up and move on.

You're both so young! give him some time and let him know you support him but stand back for now.! !

November 8, 2014

Thank you for your insight. In response to "my ex also dropped random comments..." it's just so difficult to absorb because when he sets funds aside for "our future" and takes the initiative to make plans it really burns when it blows up in your face. He's evasive when I bring up kids/marriage but he takes the full privileges with bringing it up himself. It just burns. May I ask, how are you doing? How did you feel when you heard about the engagement? Were you shocked?

November 8, 2014

Thank you for your insight. In response to "my ex also dropped random comments..." it's just so difficult to absorb because when he sets funds aside for "our future" and takes the initiative to make plans it really burns when it blows up in your face. He's evasive when I bring up kids/marriage but he takes the full privileges with bringing it up himself. It just burns. May I ask, how are you doing? How did you feel when you heard about the engagement? Were you shocked?

My ex did the same things. Initiated talks about marriage, the future. He would talk specifics too. Like should we have a joint checking account, I would adopt his son. Yes, it messes with your mind, and I'm still trying to recover.

November 8, 2014

Of course she was shocked. It happened to me as well. 3 years with someone dropping all kinds of hints only to break up and a year later he's engaged to someone else. 8 months after that a wedding. It hurts like hell but you have to pick yourself up and move on. There's really no need to worry about whether he thought you were a person that needed protection or not. He's going to think whatever he wants to anyway. It's over and don't waste anymore of your time.

November 8, 2014

That's what I don't understand. Why would he bring up marriage stuff when he has no real intentions? Really, what's the point? When we are in a relationship and we love our partner, things like that are great to hear. However, I have come to a conclusion that guys often say/do things not thinking clearly if that's what they really want; we end up taking these words and actions so seriously that we can't believe when they say otherwise.

Anyway, he may be confused now. He said he wanted to break up, so be it. Give him time, that's really the best to do. Meanwhile focus on your stuff. He may come back. Just don't stay there waiting for that chance, you're single now, so go ahead and live your life as you think you should.

November 8, 2014

Two cents from an old guy....

It's quite clear in his inability to make decisions that he lacks confidence, and that's a huge factor. Of course he won't feel like he'd be able to support you and a family if he doesn't have a 'real career'. I was in the same position as him in my 20's and early 30's. I was still at home. I went from job to job and didn't want to commit for lack of direction. I didn't want to hurt the women I was dating as much as I loved her.

I don't know of any male friend of mine that didn't have a broken relationship with his father. It's something I had to deal with as well. No easy task but I had to in order to an grow up and move on.

You're both so young! give him some time and let him know you support him but stand back for now.! !

Ugh sorry this is long. I agree. I have to stand back. You are right about that. He does lack confidence. I don't want to put all of his business out there but he failed out of school and never really recovered from it. He has a job making a decent salary but when your friends are making six figures, it has really weighed on him. He has made comments about uncertainty about his ability to provide because he is somewhat obsessed with the lifestyle his friends are living even though his lifestyle is fine. I try to reassure him, that I'm here for him but he has said that he does not know how to process such support. After he failed out of his program, his father cut him off for good and he is not even allowed to enter the house when his dad is around. His mother has been more gracious but wants to make sure that he is entering an MBA program because at least he can save some type of face.

This past week, I found out that my ex husband was making 150k. You see, about 4 years ago my ex failed out of the same program. So when I met my now bf, I understood what he was going through and how friends he once had no longer spoke to him. As a result of my ex failing out of school the next day he was gone. In order to move on, I immediately signed away any rights to alimony after he claimed that he was unemployed so no need for lawyers. I figured no children, no property together, no need to fight. I mentioned the income to my ex this week, like "isn't that kind of crappy that he lied about his financial status to me?" and my ex could not let it go. He also could not let go the fact that my ex pivoted to another program with success and he did not. Not to mention that this week my ex husband sent an email asking after 4 years to come back to me that my boyfriend read ahead of me. I didn't even know that it was in my inbox. Then bam. I send an email about commitment and he is off the grid.

He has a pattern of pushing away people that accept him for who he is and want absolutely nothing from him. I tell him money doesn't matter but when he goes on his infrequent rants about us, it always comes up. He has teared up over me liking something and not being able to buy it. I tell him I'm just looking or girls just like nice things sometimes, doesn't mean that we need it and he cannot let it go. I used to live in a luxury condo before meeting him and every time we walk pass it, he says "Why do you live over a coffee shop with me in a studio apartment?" He has admitted that he can't process unconditional love. Even though I have not expressed uncertainty he has expressed uncertainty over me "wanting a guy like him" and "deserving more." He can mention commitment but when I mention it, accusations are made, then comes the, "I don't love you like that". And sometimes the "I can't love you like that because I know you deserve better." Then comes the, "I can't love you properly because I don't even love myself." Extremely draining when you see the beauty in someone but they are always plagued with inadequacies. But like someone else posted above, he could be engaged 8 months later and this can all be just talk. I'm standing back on the issue.

November 8, 2014

It sounds like he has never been fully committed. At the very least, he was never as committed as you. I'm sure you would marry him right now if given the chance and have wanted to for some time. I mean, it's been 3 years. That's plenty if time to know, so you don't need to apologize and minimize what you want. I say that because you mentioned you told him you didn't want to get married right now but in the future. I'm calling BS on that. You've probably accepted less than what you want for most of the relationship in hopes that he would one day give you the relationship you want.

So he's told you he doesn't love you enough to spend his life with you. That's painful to hear but has likely been the case the entire time. Best advice is to move on to find someone who can give you what you want. You've wasted 3 years. You only have a limited amount of time on earth, so I would suggest you cut all communication with him. It's not fear of commitment. He just doesn't want to commit to you.

Trust me. At the time that he mentioned it I said a clear-cut no. Going through with what I went through with my ex made me a strong disbeliever in the unity of marriage for some time. Part of the reason why I stayed is because simply put, with him, there really wasn't a lot of pressure. But then you are right, it hit me one day that, hey this guy is really important to me and is wonderful as well. And slowly the commitment talk on both sides began. Snippets dropped here and there. Ultimately resulting to where I am today. I am moving on.

November 8, 2014

Of course she was shocked. It happened to me as well. 3 years with someone dropping all kinds of hints only to break up and a year later he's engaged to someone else. 8 months after that a wedding. It hurts like hell but you have to pick yourself up and move on. There's really no need to worry about whether he thought you were a person that needed protection or not. He's going to think whatever he wants to anyway. It's over and don't waste anymore of your time.

Damn straight I'm shocked lol. And it does hurt. Even though he will think what he wants, I feel that it's still important for my healing to vocalize my feelings in an objective manner.

November 8, 2014

That's what I don't understand. Why would he bring up marriage stuff when he has no real intentions? Really, what's the point? When we are in a relationship and we love our partner, things like that are great to hear. However, I have come to a conclusion that guys often say/do things not thinking clearly if that's what they really want; we end up taking these words and actions so seriously that we can't believe when they say otherwise.

Anyway, he may be confused now. He said he wanted to break up, so be it. Give him time, that's really the best to do. Meanwhile focus on your stuff. He may come back. Just don't stay there waiting for that chance, you're single now, so go ahead and live your life as you think you should.

This is what I too don't understand. It's like you're already nice to me. Why take the extra step of creating a false fantasy? Then slap my hand when I buy in to it. But it has happened and we are through. Posting is making me feel better about my situation.

November 8, 2014

Damn straight I'm shocked lol. And it does hurt. Even though he will think what he wants, I feel that it's still important for my healing to vocalize my feelings in an objective manner.

Well go ahead but it won't give you closure. He will say something that will put more questions in your mind that you will not find the answer to.

November 8, 2014

Well go ahead but it won't give you closure. He will say something that will put more questions in your mind that you will not find the answer to.

This is fine. What I'm saying actually has no real response to give on his part so I'm not expecting anything but relief for myself that my words have been spoken.

November 8, 2014

Thank you for your insight. In response to "my ex also dropped random comments." He's evasive when I bring up kids/marriage but he takes the full privileges with bringing it up himself. It just burns. May I ask, how are you doing? How did you feel when you heard about the engagement? Were you shocked?

My ex too. I even mentioned this to him. I said, "why do you think it's fair that you get to talk about these things whenever you feel like bringing it up but when I do, you run away, refuse to talk about it, and talk in riddles/circles?"

He said, "it's not fair." And actually laughed like it was funny.

I'm actually the happiest I've been in my life to be honest. I didn't realize how truly miserable I was until my ex gave me the gift of dumping me. I've been away from him, complete NC since he dumped me for 2.5 years now.

How did I feel when I learned of his engagement? I thought, "thank god he isn't my problem anymore, but good luck sweetheart, you're gonna need it."

I learned many things about my ex, none of which were good. Bullet dodged, seriously. If I would have wound up married to that scum pile I absolutely would have had to deal with divorce. No thanks, I'm good with that.

November 8, 2014

My ex too. I even mentioned this to him. I said, "why do you think it's fair that you get to talk about these things whenever you feel like bringing it up but when I do, you run away, refuse to talk about it, and talk in riddles/circles?"

He said, "it's not fair." And actually laughed like it was funny.

I'm actually the happiest I've been in my life to be honest. I didn't realize how truly miserable I was until my ex gave me the gift of dumping me. I've been away from him, complete NC since he dumped me for 2.5 years now.

How did I feel when I learned of his engagement? I thought, "thank god he isn't my problem anymore, but good luck sweetheart, you're gonna need it."

I learned many things about my ex, none of which were good. Bullet dodged, seriously. If I would have wound up married to that scum pile I absolutely would have had to deal with divorce. No thanks, I'm good with that.

I applaud you for your strength. I am happy for you.

November 8, 2014

This is what I too don't understand. It's like you're already nice to me. Why take the extra step of creating a false fantasy? Then slap my hand when I buy in to it. But it has happened and we are through. Posting is making me feel better about my situation.

It's called Future Faking. Horrible to do to someone, but it's more common than you think.

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Boyfriend abruptly broke up with me out of fear of committment

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