My ex girlfriend going to Burning Man

[patriciasex]

I just ended a relationship with a woman with whom I was deeply in love.

 

A few months ago, she informed me that she was invited to go to Burning Man with a male friend of hers. She said he was married and that he was going to photograph it (she is a photographer).

 

What do you think of this?

[Poppyolive]

If its over, it shouldn't concern you with where she goes, how she's and who with.

 

Now, if you finished the relationship with her because of this accepted burning man invite (which is months away) then I'd have more questions.

 

If it's the latter, what's stopping you from going? burning man, is no doubt and pretty awesome, epic expierence.

[clia]

Did she go with him, or are you talking about the Burning Man that will happen 9-10 months from now?

[patriciasex]

Sorry I was not clear - she had planned to go to the one that just happened.

 

We dated for 9 months total. I am of two minds on this:

 

1. We are both 40+. There should be nothing holding any of us back from doing the amazing things we always hoped to do.

 

2. In a committed loving relationship, one should establish trust - A LOT of trust - before suggesting a trip like this.

 

Also, why go with another man? This one has red flags all over it.

 

So I broke up with her over this back in July. No anger, no judgements, no dramas - just a calm breakup. She SHOULD go to burning man, I just do not want to date a woman who would even consider living in a tent with another man for a week at the most drug fueled sexually debauched festival on the planet. It is just not where I am in life.

 

Ten years ago, I would have gone. But not now. That is a young man's thing and for people who are seeking that world of expression and experience. I have been there done that in my life and want to focus on building a wholesome real honest trusting intimate relationship. Burning man is not conducive to that for me.

 

I have more to post about the red flags. But one thing at a time.

[lyndaaxo]

I don't see why its an issue if you trusted her. But you're also no longer together, so does it matter?

 

Also, maybe she knew it wasn't your thing and wanted to go anyway for her photography. People are allowed to do things with other people from time to time.

[evanescentworld]

Sorry I was not clear - she had planned to go to the one that just happened.

 

We dated for 9 months total. I am of two minds on this:

 

1. We are both 40+. There should be nothing holding any of us back from doing the amazing things we always hoped to do.

 

2. In a committed loving relationship, one should establish trust - A LOT of trust - before suggesting a trip like this.

 

Also, why go with another man? This one has red flags all over it.

 

As she is your ex, no longer in your life, and part of history, nothing of the above is relevant. in fact, it's all pretty much redundant.

 

So I broke up with her over this back in July. No anger, no judgements, no dramas - just a calm breakup. She SHOULD go to burning man, I just do not want to date a woman who would even consider living in a tent with another man for a week at the most drug fueled sexually debauched festival on the planet. It is just not where I am in life.

Yes, but it's her decision, not yours. You're no longer together, so what she does is on her own time, and her freedom to do. She's a completely free agent, as of course, are you.

 

Ten years ago, I would have gone. But not now. That is a young man's thing and for people who are seeking that world of expression and experience. I have been there done that in my life and want to focus on building a wholesome real honest trusting intimate relationship. Burning man is not conducive to that for me.

Fine. Don't go. Sorted. Next....?

 

I have more to post about the red flags. But one thing at a time.

What is the point of waving red flags when the person is now out of your life, leading her own, and of no relevance or consequence to you?

It's like waving red flags with regard to tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

 

past relevance and really, of no significance.

[Itspointless]

I don't see why its an issue if you trusted her.

Exactly what I was thinking.

[central]

Apparently you didn't trust her enough, so broke up with her. That was probably the right decision for you, given that you didn't or couldn't go to BM too.

 

 

Why dissect this now that it's over? You have your standards and preferences, and it's time to look ahead, not back.

[patriciasex]

I am so disappointed by some of these responses. I came here for some perspective - and I got it. So here is what I have from you all so far.

 

1. When a relationship is over, there is no reason to try to understand where you went wrong or to gain some insights into a specific event that you feel might have triggered the breakup. Why waste time trying to figure out your mistakes or hers. It is over.

 

2. An intimate partner can do whatever he or she wants. If you have a problem with this, it is not good judgment, legitimate concern, wisdom, or deeply held values - it is insecurity.

 

3. Trust is only one person's responsibility in a relationship.

 

4. Spending a week alone in a tent in a desert with another man or woman is a-okay with everyone. No red flag there. In fact, no reason to question it at all.

 

Did I get that right?

[lyndaaxo]

I am so disappointed by some of these responses. I came here for some perspective - and I got it. So here is what I have from you all so far.

 

1. When a relationship is over, there is no reason to try to understand where you went wrong or to gain some insights into a specific event that you feel might have triggered the breakup. Why waste time trying to figure out your mistakes or hers. It is over.

 

2. An intimate partner can do whatever he or she wants. If you have a problem with this, it is not good judgment, legitimate concern, wisdom, or deeply held values - it is insecurity.

 

3. Trust is only one person's responsibility in a relationship.

 

4. Spending a week alone in a tent in a desert with another man or woman is a-okay with everyone. No red flag there. In fact, no reason to question it at all.

 

Did I get that right?

 

1. You ended it without seemingly trying to resolve it or asking for input, we don't see why you feel the need to now you've made your decision.

 

2. Every person has their right to do what they want, if you have concerns you should have voiced them to her, not ended it, and maybe reached a compromise if those concerns were deemed justified.

 

3. No, it works two ways, but we just have this one example to go on.

 

4. If you trust someone, it shouldn't matter who they spend some time with. Would you have a problem with her staying in a tent with a female friend?

[OwMyEyeball]

Interesting

 

So she broke your trust by expressing her desire to go to an event with a married man to pursue her passion in photography

 

Which would mean that you did not trust her to begin with, since her "betrayal" was only a possibility of one at this event

 

You may have valid reason to not trust her based on intuition, past behaviours and reputation

 

As a mature adult who initiated the breakup most would assume you had weighed the factors and came to the decision after much thought, especially if all other areas of the relationship were going well.

 

Typically it's the one who has been dumped who is left reeling and reflecting.

 

The main reason I know for a dumper to look back and analyze is if they feel regret for their decision.

 

Do you regret your decision?

[Poppyolive]

Sorry I was not clear - she had planned to go to the one that just happened.

 

We dated for 9 months total. I am of two minds on this:

 

1. We are both 40+. There should be nothing holding any of us back from doing the amazing things we always hoped to do.

 

2. In a committed loving relationship, one should establish trust - A LOT of trust - before suggesting a trip like this.

 

Also, why go with another man? This one has red flags all over it.

 

So I broke up with her over this back in July. No anger, no judgements, no dramas - just a calm breakup. She SHOULD go to burning man, I just do not want to date a woman who would even consider living in a tent with another man for a week at the most drug fueled sexually debauched festival on the planet. It is just not where I am in life.

 

Ten years ago, I would have gone. But not now. That is a young man's thing and for people who are seeking that world of expression and experience. I have been there done that in my life and want to focus on building a wholesome real honest trusting intimate relationship. Burning man is not conducive to that for me.

 

I have more to post about the red flags. But one thing at a time.

 

 

 

I do think some of the responses here my feel bold and abrasive. I did say if you've broken up, what she does now is none of your concern.

I'm glad you came back to clarify your original post.

 

I completely agree with you. You both were not on each others wave length. Not just trust, you simply didn't want someone in your life that would take off with another man to a festival that's heavily drug influenced. I get that. That's your decision and it was best you ended it. I'm particular about who I want in my life, with past relationship experiences, I look out for men with alcohol problems and I like to know their goals, personal goals. If they don't "fit" then I don't want them in my life. So good for you. Now, you are here posting? I wonder are you questioning your actions? Some regret?

 

Also, here there are a lot of aching hearts. People come here to vent about their failed relationships. When there's a post on dumping someone, you unfortunately may get a lot of those hurting emotions flung at you. Especially with your first post. Even if you feel attacked, there is much to learn reading those answers. Because I'm sure if you had all "well done, did the right thing" posts, that wouldn't be valuable. I personally like to hear all sides, feelings, advice...whether I use it or discard it.

 

 

So, do you now regret your decision in leaving her?

[Poppyolive]

Excuse my errors, fat fingers/cell phone keypad

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I am so disappointed by some of these responses. I came here for some perspective - and I got it. So here is what I have from you all so far.

 

1. When a relationship is over, there is no reason to try to understand where you went wrong or to gain some insights into a specific event that you feel might have triggered the breakup. Why waste time trying to figure out your mistakes or hers. It is over.

 

2. An intimate partner can do whatever he or she wants. If you have a problem with this, it is not good judgment, legitimate concern, wisdom, or deeply held values - it is insecurity.

 

3. Trust is only one person's responsibility in a relationship.

 

4. Spending a week alone in a tent in a desert with another man or woman is a-okay with everyone. No red flag there. In fact, no reason to question it at all.

 

Did I get that right?

 

1) I think the general consensus is, while it's perfectly fine for someone to look at a situation after a breakup and wonder where things went wrong, in your case, what "went wrong" is fairly obvious. You broke up with her for some very specific reasons. No riddle to be solved there.

 

-But in truth, so much time has passed now that yes, further analysis is frankly pretty useless. It cannot be undone so looking backward serves little purpose.

 

2) No one said this or even implied it. You're free to take issue with whatever you like and decide for yourself what is a deal-breaker. Of course trust is the responsibility of BOTH parties, however it clearly isn't there if you have to (or attempt to) restrict your partner's movements in order to ensure they don't misbehave.

 

- "Deeply held values" like what? What values did she violate? And "legitimate concern" implies you had some reason or another not to think she'd remain faithful. Now maybe it's because she engaged in problematic behavior in the past, maybe it's because you just don't like the idea of it or maybe you are simply insecure. Who can tell?

 

3) Again, no one said this. It has been suggested however that a partner should be afforded some level of trust. But we all have our limits as to how far that trust extends and the behaviors in which we feel break it.

 

4) That depends on you and your partner and the level of trust that exists within the relationship. Not to mention For some (such as yourself) it would be a complete no-go. For others, yes, it would be a-okay indeed.

 

It sounds like you came here looking for reassurance that you made the right decision and/or were totally justified. I don't know how any of us can tell you this for certain but if you felt like you couldn't trust her or felt disrespected that she'd even have the gall to consider going then I suppose you did, in fact, make the right choice.

[Allumere]

How old was she?

 

As far as Burning Man I had no less than 10 friends go this year. No one under 40...oldest was 56 and that individual was making their 3rd appearance. And she doesn't drink or do drugs.

 

Did you express your opinion? Did she tell you she wanted to go and you dismissed or did you say it wasn't your gig. Personally, to dismiss the relationship over something like this without further discussion reads to me that the relationship wasn't really all that to begin with. It may not be your gig but sometimes you have to give a little too. If this was a bucket list thing for her then you could have sucked it up for a few days and gone with her.

[me85]

It really doesn't matter what she's up to now that you're no longer together. If keeping in touch with her is making you analyze everything she does then it's best to not keep in touch with her at all.

[evanescentworld]

I am so disappointed by some of these responses. I came here for some perspective - and I got it. So here is what I have from you all so far.

Is your disappointment founded on the fact that others hold a different perspective then?

 

1. When a relationship is over, there is no reason to try to understand where you went wrong or to gain some insights into a specific event that you feel might have triggered the breakup. Why waste time trying to figure out your mistakes or hers. It is over.

Correct.

It just keeps you stuck, and prevents you from moving on. Suffice to say something transpired to convince you that you guys were not on the same page.

So, reading over.

If you believe you made mistakes, you can address the remedy for those, by all means, but trying to second-guess or mind-read the ex, is fruitless, and futile.

 

2. An intimate partner can do whatever he or she wants. If you have a problem with this, it is not good judgment, legitimate concern, wisdom, or deeply held values - it is insecurity.

The crux of the matter seems to be none of the above (as has been pointed out).

Your trust was lacking.

And if trust is lacking, then the crash is inevitable, because trust is a biggie.

 

3. Trust is only one person's responsibility in a relationship.

Please quote the member on here who said that....?

 

4. Spending a week alone in a tent in a desert with another man or woman is a-okay with everyone. No red flag there. In fact, no reason to question it at all.

Why were you not 0ok with it? Because you didn't trust her, trust him, or trust either of them?

 

 

Did I get that right?

Obvioulsy not entirely, no.

 

Keep posting.

We can support you, believe it or not. Maybe not in the way you envisaged, but it's all a learning curve.

[loversquarrel]

I'm just curious here... Did the married guy's wife go? I'm going to go in a different direction with this. Why is a married guy going to a festival with someone other than his wife? Was it work? If not I wouldn't be comfortable with this scenario either. Let's just say there is trust, then there is blind trust, and I know for **** sure which side I land on.

[Gatema]

Good Lord, seriously?

Burning Man is not really an event for the 40 and up party goers, if one is looking at it realistically. It's a hell of a lot of work. I guess dropping Molly all week would take the edge off some, but nah, still hard.

 

Although, it's true, many older men and women do attend, and really, but quite honestly, those folks looking more closely like the senior generation, also look clearly out of place too.

 

However, to comment on your question concerning your ex. I feel the red flag should have been the fact that she was even entertaining the idea of going to Burning Man in the first place. Think about it for a moment.

 

I'd have to ask what would a 40 plus year old woman want to accomplish by going there? Well, except for the obvious, and I am not talking about taking candid shots of naked bicyclists, either.

 

What I have heard is that the younger locals or the repeat attendees, and within a 200-mile radius from where Burning Man happens, mostly concur on one strong opinion. That is, if the people rolling through the gates look anything like their parents, teachers, or coaches might look, or any capacity reminding them of authority, then clearly, it's going to be a cluster F of full-blown mid-life crisis drama showing up.

 

First thoughts out of their mouths...........WTF!

 

And I have to agree.

 

Nevertheless, as pathetic as it is to me, if grandma and grandpa wanna go, then by all means, let them.

 

But for you, and about your ex, I would look more closely in to exploring the reasons behind why going to BM was so important to her at the time. For you, I would have to question her motives behind why she allowed you to walk away from her, and out of her life, with little, or with no resistance put forth to change your mind.

 

Then I would ask to see all of her photographs, to be polite.

Edited November 9, 2014 by Gatema

[patriciasex]

Thanks to all who responded. I am honestly a little taken aback at how quickly my feelings were dismissed here. I do not expect hugs or anything, but based on some responses I think I had reason for concern.

 

There are no simple answers here. Should a 42 year old woman go to Burning Man? Depends on who you ask. I say, hell yes! Go. Rock it. Have fun.

 

But..

 

If you are in the early stages of a relationship and trust issues have come up, you might want to think twice.

 

I would also add that there is a difference between going, and going with a male "friend". I get the impression that those who were critical of me do not really get what Burning Man is all about. I support BM 100%. But I can tell you that I got that sort of crap out of my system a long time ago.

 

I thought she did too.

 

Those sorts of events and desires are not conducive to building trust. At least not for me. That is the sort of thing that perhaps you go to together. Again, some people would be perfectly fine with the SO going to BM with a member of the opposite sex to live in a tent for a week.

 

Call me crazy if you will and judge away, but that is NOT okay with me.

 

I told her as much and she got it immediately. She apologized and said she was not going.

 

That is the good news.

 

I will leave the bad for another post...perhaps.

 

We are still together, by the way.

 

Thanks to all who responded.

[oldshirt]

Responses in bold below -

 

 

I am so disappointed by some of these responses. I came here for some perspective - and I got it. So here is what I have from you all so far.

 

1. When a relationship is over, there is no reason to try to understand where you went wrong or to gain some insights into a specific event that you feel might have triggered the breakup. Why waste time trying to figure out your mistakes or hers. It is over.

 

 

did you ask anyone where you went wrong???

do you think you did do anything wrong?

I guess I'm not getting where that remark is even coming from.

 

2. An intimate partner can do whatever he or she wants. If you have a problem with this, it is not good judgment, legitimate concern, wisdom, or deeply held values - it is insecurity.

 

 

 

I think sane, sober, adults can do whatever they want as long as it is legal, ethical and hurts no one. If an intimate partner has an objection to it, they can express their objections and can state what the ramifications of their actions will be. If that person decides to do it anyway, then the other party has the right to terminate the intimate relationship.

You did that. As far as I am concerned that was fair. If you find it unacceptable for someone you are dating to go to BM with a member of the opposite sex, that is your right and your prerogative.

 

 

 

 

3. Trust is only one person's responsibility in a relationship.

 

 

no one has said that or even implied it. People are just wondering why you even care what she is doing or where she is going since you broke up with her.

By breaking up with her you have waived any influence over her actions and she every right to do whatever she wants with whoever.

 

4. Spending a week alone in a tent in a desert with another man or woman is a-okay with everyone. No red flag there. In fact, no reason to question it at all.

 

that's between partners to work out. you had an issue with it, you dumped her, it's done.

What are you wanting here? people to slap your back and congratulate you for dumping the photo-snapping bitch??

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did I get that right?

 

 

I don't know what you got

 

 

[Chi townD]

 

Ten years ago, I would have gone. But not now. That is a young man's thing and for people who are seeking that world of expression and experience. I have been there done that in my life and want to focus on building a wholesome real honest trusting intimate relationship. Burning man is not conducive to that for me.

 

 

 

World traveler here! Apparently you've never been to Burning Man. You would be surprised at the amount of middle age and seniors on the Playa. Is there drugs there? Yeah, but not openly. Because there are also a ton of undercover cops out there too! Is there drinking? LOTS!!! Is there beautiful structures and artwork out there? YEP! Is there lots of people getting laid? Not as much as you would think.

 

 

Think about it, you're in the desert with the heat, sand and dirt. No running water. You can't get in a shower. People take "bird baths" and use a ton of baby wipes. But, as much as you try, people get smelling really funky by the end.

 

 

Now, they do have the Orgy Dome out there. But, there's strict guidelines. Couples only (preferably married. NO SINGLE PEOPLE), full consent, protection is to be used...blah....blah... Obviously, I never went in there, they have the rules posted outside.

 

 

Burning man isn't bad, Lots of free expression. But, if you can appreciate art, is better than any stuffy art museum.

[loversquarrel]

Call me a man of sophistication, but I'd rather look good and smell nice in a stuffy museum than sweat me arse off, smell like shyte and look like shyte in the desert....

 

Good for you OP. Stand your ground. If it doesn't feel right to you then that's all that matters. You don't have to accept anything that's not ok with you, you know what you can deal with and what you can't. Nobody can tell you otherwise.

[Chatmonkey]

Call me a man of sophistication, but I'd rather look good and smell nice in a stuffy museum than sweat me arse off, smell like shyte and look like shyte in the desert....

 

well said.

[Chi townD]

Call me a man of sophistication, but I'd rather look good and smell nice in a stuffy museum than sweat me arse off, smell like shyte and look like shyte in the desert....

 

 

 

Blah! Where's your sense of adventure!