Marriage resulting from emotional affair - end happier?

[Arieswoman]

I'm commenting again from my own personal experience and have seen the following scenarios :-

 

1. My Ex H married affair partner who (now) has mental health issues #11.

 

2. Couple A.- 4 children married 15 years - WH serial cheater meets OP (married) and both leave spouses 2 months later. BS has new baby divorces WH. WH & AP still together not married.

 

3. Couple B. - 4 children married 18 years - WH serial cheater meets OP (single) and leaves wife with new baby 2 months later. BS divorces WH. WH marries AP and dies of stomach cancer 2 years later.

 

4. Couple C - 2 children married 25 years - WS has affair with employee (single) and leaves wife 1 month later. BS divorces WH and dies of breast cancer a year later. WH & AP still together not married.

 

5. Couple D - no children married 10 years - WS has one affair then meets AP (married). They Leave spouses for APs. BS divorces WH. WH marries AP. WH killed in road traffic accident 10 years later.

 

6. Couple E.- no children married 8 years. WW has affair with MM. Both agree to leave their spouses and arrange to leave on the same day and meet at appointed place. WW turns up with suitcase, MM doesn't. BH divorces WW.

 

I know that this is not really a representative sample but IMO it indicates that cheating is dangerous and should carry a health warning

[cocorico]

Most healthy partners would not date someone who was already committed to another person. With that being said, most OM/OW are pretty desperate people who are willing to settle on a cheaters. The cheater being the narcissist and the the OM/OW being the co-dependent can usually pull of a relationship for a certain amount of time as long as no one rocks the boat. The cheater ends up in a powerful position over the OM/OW because they have already demonstrated their willingness to destroy other relationships and people to get what they want.

 

"Most" being what - 90%? 51%? And the source of these figures?

 

And could one then not make the same claim about reconciling spouses, that they are likewise "pretty desperate people willing to settle on a cheaters (sic)"?

 

As a fOW who has been happily and successfully M to my fMM for several years now, I don't recognise either of us in this description. H is not a narcissist, although he was M to one and developed co-narcissist tendencies over the decades of their toxic M (as diagnosed by a professional). I am not co-dependent. Power in our R is pretty evenly shared, we are partners in the true sense, and there is no need for "rocking the boat" because we address issues in a mature, rational fashion.

 

I've no idea of the scientific basis of your claims, but they look an awful lot like stereotypes to me.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Considering the fact that most relationships don't end well or happily, it's a bit convenient to state that most affairs don't end well either or live up to their expectations, especially without taking into account the former fact.

 

After all, assuming the previous relationship...in which failed, didn't derive from an affair in and of itself, doesn't that if anything justify both cases?

 

A relationship that failed from "moral" standard and an affair which was birthed from "sin"...both failing regardless of label....which does beg the question of whether it even mattered how the relationship started at all, as in the end it wouldn't have survived statistically speaking either way.

 

But of course people always care more about how than why.

[howcouldInotknow]

Considering the fact that most relationships don't end well or happily, it's a bit convenient to state that most affairs don't end well either or live up to their expectations, especially without taking into account the former fact.

 

After all, assuming the previous relationship...in which failed, didn't derive from an affair in and of itself, doesn't that if anything justify both cases?

 

A relationship that failed from "moral" standard and an affair which was birthed from "sin"...both failing regardless of label....which does beg the question of whether it even mattered how the relationship started at all, as in the end it wouldn't have survived statistically speaking either way.

 

But of course people always care more about how than why.

 

 

I asked this question in an earlier post. One poster here mentioned marriages born from affairs ending years later. How many marriages in general make it 10-15 years. The current divorce rate in the US is about 51% so basically half of all marriages are doomed regardless of how they start.

[Got it]

I can't and don't care to speak for others.

 

I am married to my affair partner. We are doing well. Time will tell but we are good.

 

I don't believe either party is narcissistic or codependent but I am sure we will get assigned an appropriate label from a LS member. I wait with bated breath.

[Thegreatestthing]

He could have ended things with your mother first if he was unhappy,he didn't have to deceive her.,but I suppose it's all much of a muchness.

My dad's wife was sent for a reason. My parents would have both stayed forever in their marriage because they were comfortable. Neither person was happy. Had my dad affair not happened neither would have left and they would have lived the rest of their lives empty and miserable.

Edited November 10, 2014 by Thegreatestthing

[howcouldInotknow]

He could have ended things with your mother first if he was unhappy,he didn't have to deceive her.,but I suppose it's all much of a muchness.

 

 

You know what they were both unhappy but the collection of things and familiarity made them unwilling to leave. Both knew the other was unhappy. My sister and I tried for years to convince them to divorce. Had his wife not come along they'd still be together. When the affair happened it was not much of a secret but it was definitely the push they both needed end their marriage. But yes in a perfect world he would have divorced her first

 

With everything that was said my sister and I do not assume my mom was an innocent bystander. At the time things happened with my dad we were just old enough to understand

Edited November 11, 2014 by howcouldInotknow

[Got it]

You know what they were both unhappy but the collection of things and familiarity made them unwilling to leave. Both knew the other was unhappy. My sister and I tried for years to convince them to divorce. Had his wife not come along they'd still be together. When the affair happened it was not much of a secret but it was definitely the push they both needed end their marriage. But yes in a perfect world he would have divorced her first

 

With everything that was said my sister and I do not assume my mom was an innocent bystander. At the time things happened with my dad we were just old enough to understand

 

Howcould - My advice, it isn't worth trying to debate/explain this. I too had similar feelings when I found out about my mother's affair and my parents' general state of the union.

 

My childhood was similar. Their marriage was a disaster and it made a miserable/stressful experience. In my case, I didn't know of my mom's affair until I was older but everything made sense and I just shook my head that it was so apparent they should have never gotten/stayed married. And while I agree, my mom shouldn't have had an affair, it wasn't like my father was this innocent victim in the relationship. Some of his actions were worse from a child's eyes. We lived in fear of him and his anger. The affair paled in comparison. I just wish she saw it for what it was and had left instead of allowing us to grow up in the toxic situation that we did.

 

And I will say their relationship has been FAR better since they divorced and we still do holidays together, there is as much togetherness as adults as we would have if they were together. They still trigger each other but it is no where at the level if that pressure cooker stayed in place.

[William]

Since this thread appears as a minefield of banned and/or moderated members, I'll advise members to stick to the topic and refrain from dredging up the past and focus on the question asked by the thread starter in their postings. Thanks!

[howcouldInotknow]

Howcould - My advice, it isn't worth trying to debate/explain this. I too had similar feelings when I found out about my mother's affair and my parents' general state of the union.

 

My childhood was similar. Their marriage was a disaster and it made a miserable/stressful experience. In my case, I didn't know of my mom's affair until I was older but everything made sense and I just shook my head that it was so apparent they should have never gotten/stayed married. And while I agree, my mom shouldn't have had an affair, it wasn't like my father was this innocent victim in the relationship. Some of his actions were worse from a child's eyes. We lived in fear of him and his anger. The affair paled in comparison. I just wish she saw it for what it was and had left instead of allowing us to grow up in the toxic situation that we did.

 

And I will say their relationship has been FAR better since they divorced and we still do holidays together, there is as much togetherness as adults as we would have if they were together. They still trigger each other but it is no where at the level if that pressure cooker stayed in place.

 

For the longest we didn't know there was a problem. When we were younger my parents were awesome together but somewhere something changed and there must have been a trigger. My parents have a great relationship now. No one is mad at the other anymore. We don't live In a perfect world so things don't always go exactly as we'd like. But ultimately two happy parents came out of my dads affair.

[Got it]

For the longest we didn't know there was a problem. When we were younger my parents were awesome together but somewhere something changed and there must have been a trigger. My parents have a great relationship now. No one is mad at the other anymore. We don't live In a perfect world so things don't always go exactly as we'd like. But ultimately two happy parents came out of my dads affair.

 

I am very happy for them and you. I am glad everyone is doing well. Ours had a happy ending as well but slightly different. There were five happy people that came out of my parent's divorce!