Girlfriend gave me an ultimatum

[BlueIris]

Ever hear the saying, Is this the hill you want to die on?

 

If being honest and saying what you want is more important to you, hold your ground. I just hope that you are always so honest and that you’re not just engaging in a power struggle.

 

By the way, several years? Why aren’t you two married yet? Just being honest. It’s what popped into my head.

[Tayken]

I made a statement about the attractiveness of a celebrity. Girlfriend got angry and asked me who was more attractive, her or the celebrity. Told me that unless I promise to always tell her she is more attractive anytime she compares herself to someone, even if I lie about it, she wants to end the relationship. What Do?

You two won't happen to still be living with your parents would ya? Sounds to me like someone has self esteem issues, and expect to be told that they are beautiful by everyone as opposed to that they are smart, beauty on the inside, strong, shattering glass ceiling.

 

My advice to you....dump the drama queen and find yourself someone that isn't a liability.

 

Every naive, starry-eyed young woman wants her man to think she's the most beautiful girl in the world

 

Lets not fool ourselves, the drama is not specific to young women.

[labayer]

Unlike most people here, I also do understand your girlfriend.

Yes, she is insecure and that is definitely not your fault. BUT try to support her and to not create situations that she could get wrong. Is she the prettiest girl in the world for you? And I mean that not just regarding her looks, also her personality, everything about her. You don't have to think that objectively she's the most beautiful girl in the world. You also said she knows that she's not. But some girls just need the to hear that- for her boyfriend- she's the most beautiful girl in the world.

 

Do I sometimes see a guy on TV and think he's super hot? Yes. Do I tell my boyfriend that I find him super hot? No- Unless he asks (although I wouldn't use the word super hot ). For me, my boyfriend is the most beautiful man in the world, even though he probably isn't the most beautiful one objectively (but then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder).

 

 

So if situations like that one are the only problem, just try to be a bit more considerate and make her feel that she's the only girl in the world for you. If the problem is deeper (regarding her self esteem and fights) I recommend counselling.

[Ruby Slippers]

Lets not fool ourselves, the drama is not specific to young women.

By a certain point, women figure out that most of their girlish fantasies are merely fantasies and let them go.

 

It would still give me a little stab in the heart for my man to praise other women's beauty to me. But I would let him know that in a subtle way and then let it go. And the good thing is that most men in my age range have enough experience to be more considerate than that.

[lollipopspot]

You're seeing this in different ways. There are more attractive women than she is, in society's eyes. But in YOUR eyes, she wants to be the most attractive one to you. It may or may not be true that in your eyes she's the most attractive one to you. Would you rather be with a super model? Or can you say with honesty that your girlfriend is the most attractive female to you? "Attractiveness" can take into account more than just society's standards of physical beauty. "Attractiveness" in the way that I think she means it is what YOU are attracted to. I think she wants to know that in your eyes, she's the one you want, and that you aren't more attracted to others.

 

I can say with honesty that my guy is the most attractive guy to me at this time, even though I know to myself that by society's standards he isn't the most attractive guy. (But he would never ask such a thing, nor would I).

 

I hope that helps. I think this is in part a translation problem.

Edited November 8, 2014 by lollipopspot

[mortensorchid]

I don't get this. You thought that a woman on television was hot. You don't know her, you will never even meet the woman on television and your gf is angry about it? She's really that insecure? If so it's not your problem to fix.

[heartshaped]

I don't get this. You thought that a woman on television was hot. You don't know her, you will never even meet the woman on television and your gf is angry about it? She's really that insecure? If so it's not your problem to fix.

 

I think she's pissed because

 

1. OP just randomly starts talking about the attractiveness of another woman. They weren't watching this woman on tv, he says they were getting ready to watch some tv, and I suppose this woman came to mind. It's the equivalent of going to see a movie with your partner and then on the way being like you know who's hot? *insert opposite sex celebrity name who is in movie*

 

I don't know why the OP even volunteered this information. It may be a foreign idea to some, but your partner doesn't give a darn if you think someone (celebrity or not) of the other sex is hot.

 

This probably wasn't enough to piss her off, but enough to strike a nerve with an already insecure woman.

 

2. So then she gives him one of those there's only one right answer questions and the poor guy is too stupid, naive, honest whatever you want to call it to answer it right.

 

When you make a douche move like commenting on the attractiveness of another woman to your insecure girlfriend and she asks you something like that and you hesitate...she's suppose to be happy?

 

So now she wants to put his balls in a vice. Maybe an overreaction on her part, but if I were her I wouldn't be particularly pleased with the OP either because as secure as I am in myself I don't want to be treated like one of the guys and told how hot some chick is on tv.

[Haerts]

When you make a douche move like commenting on the attractiveness of another woman to your insecure girlfriend and she asks you something like that and you hesitate...she's suppose to be happy?

 

I don't really think that's a bad thing. I don't believe in any relationship a guy or a girl would feel like they have the prettiest partner and not think others are attractive too. It's impossible. People are different, so you'll always be attracted to others even if you love your SO at the point you would never ditch her for anyone.

 

He told her how he likes her and wants to stay with her over anyone else, yet her insecurity and self esteem problems are speaking louder. Okay, I do agree he could've kept the comment to himself, but she asked something and he gave her a honest answer, I don't see how is that bad.

 

The problem here really does revolve around her insecurities and there's nothing he can do about it. He already tried to talk about it and it seems like she wants things to be her way and only her way. That's not healthy for a relationship. She needs to let it go...

 

@OP, since you already know she's like that, next time avoid talking about other girls in front of her. It's a celebrity, should be no big deal, but since she doesn't like it, I suppose you could stop it too, even though apparently you only did that once. And stop worrying about it. You're trying your best, if nothing makes her feel well, then maybe you should just move on.

[Keenly]

I think she's pissed because

 

1. OP just randomly starts talking about the attractiveness of another woman. They weren't watching this woman on tv, he says they were getting ready to watch some tv, and I suppose this woman came to mind. It's the equivalent of going to see a movie with your partner and then on the way being like you know who's hot? *insert opposite sex celebrity name who is in movie*

 

I don't know why the OP even volunteered this information. It may be a foreign idea to some, but your partner doesn't give a darn if you think someone (celebrity or not) of the other sex is hot.

 

This probably wasn't enough to piss her off, but enough to strike a nerve with an already insecure woman.

 

2. So then she gives him one of those there's only one right answer questions and the poor guy is too stupid, naive, honest whatever you want to call it to answer it right.

 

When you make a douche move like commenting on the attractiveness of another woman to your insecure girlfriend and she asks you something like that and you hesitate...she's suppose to be happy?

 

So now she wants to put his balls in a vice. Maybe an overreaction on her part, but if I were her I wouldn't be particularly pleased with the OP either because as secure as I am in myself I don't want to be treated like one of the guys and told how hot some chick is on tv.

 

 

 

It sounds like you might have a little insecurity as well.

 

 

One day I'm sure you'll find a relationship where you are so secure and comfortable with each other that talking about people on TV won't bother you

[patriciasex]

I agree with others who say that you should leave her. But never mistake this behavior for anything other than what it is - manipulation.

 

She is NOT crazy. She is clever.

 

Just about every woman I have ever dated has tested me in some way. Usually one of the following tactics are used. These may feel familiar:

 

1. Crying about something that betrays an insecurity "I am afraid you will leave me" to which the only decent response is "No baby, I will NEVER leave you. Crying triggers the best instincts in men, and women abuse the living daylights out of this all the time.

 

2. The tricky question. "Do you think my ass looks fat in this?" or "Do you think that girl is hotter than me?" If you answer honestly, you get what you did get. If you tell her that SHE is hotter than any other woman, then you are lying and she now knows you are afraid of her...afraid of conflict and rocking the boat.

 

3. The probing question. Women will almost always claim that their sexual past is their private business, but they have no problem asking you about yours. Women will share the most intimate details of their sex lives with other women, but their most intimate partner often gets zip. This is partially because men cannot handle the truth either! But if she starts asking you about exes, past sex partners or anything about your sexual or romantic past, it is NOT about getting to know you better...it is ammunition to judge you later.

 

These are just a few. You got nailed by one of the oldest in the book.

 

The only way to handle such things is to not play. Tell her that you find such questions and tactics as manipulative and strange. Give her fair warning that if she ever does it again that she will kill the relationship.

 

Her response to that will tell you everything you need to know about her.

[Tayken]

By a certain point, women figure out that most of their girlish fantasies are merely fantasies and let them go.

 

It would still give me a little stab in the heart for my man to praise other women's beauty to me. But I would let him know that in a subtle way and then let it go. And the good thing is that most men in my age range have enough experience to be more considerate than that.

 

 

I hear ya.....but most men in my age range don't spend time answering the ubiquitous does my bum look big in this / am I cute malarkey, especially if they have been married before, seen a lot / lived and know what is of real importance.

[GravityMan]

The OP needs to learn that relationships are often NOT logical and rational. Depending on the situation, the logical or "truthful" thing to say isn't always the RIGHT or CONSIDERATE thing to say. Sometimes, doing your part to make her feel good, valued and desired is more important than your opinions, values and principles. Keep certain opinions and stories of yours in your back pocket and only share them with your buddies over some good beer and nachos.

 

Some things are best left unsaid; that is part of basic social skills that most good people learn at a young age.

 

This is a big reason why some people who are very literal and "straight shooter" in their thought processes and communication tend to...

a) be socially awkward

b) have difficulty building and sustaining long term relationships

c) have poor senses of humor

 

It's likely they're going to eventually say something truthful that irrationally upsets their GF. Honesty is great and essential to a good relationship, but there is a line that you'd best not cross. Literal-types need to try to work on balancing that out a bit with a little occasional "BS" and learn to read between the lines and think in the abstract (although to some extent those things are innate talents). Also use humor as a deflection tactic, or just to lighten the mood. There is an art to all of that and most men in happy LTRs can walk that line quite well.

 

Now I'm not letting your girlfriend off the hook, OP. She does seem manipulative and is definitely very insecure. She needs to work on that, with help if necessary. Chances are, a more secure woman would not like what you said about the hot celebrity, BUT she would quickly get over it and let it roll off her back (and maybe joke about it)...in other words, it's not a big deal to her.

 

Both of you have lessons to learn.

 

Ultimately I think it may be too late for this relationship to be salvaged. Even if she does settle down after a while...there's a good chance that a storm cloud will always linger over your heads. You may still be walking on eggshells every now and then. You may never be truly comfortable and trustworthy with each other again...once that rope is broken it's tough to repair. So I think it's best for you two to go your separate ways, and you should find a woman who's more comfortable in her own skin.

[dragonfire13]

Tricky one, I think your girlfriend is overreacting slightly but if she has low self-esteem, it might be understandable why the comment hit a nerve.

 

I remember getting p*ssed at a guy who commented on how sexy another celebrity was. It's like save that talk for your guy mates.

 

It wasn't necessarily a "is she sexier than me?!?!" moment... because even I could acknowledge that this celeb in question was smokin' hot, and he was just pointing out the obvious. It's more the way the guy went about it. It felt tactless and inappropriate, openly salivating over another woman. I felt it showed a lack of respect. It soon turned out the guy was liking/leaving pervy comments on hot girls' pictures on social media, which was a million times worse than him commenting on a celeb's attractiveness and I broke things off.

 

Some may not agree, but I just don't like that behaviour in men. Sure, if it's in jest or playful, fair enough. But sometimes these types of comments can be associated with a roving eye.

[smackie9]

All men have a roving....some are better at hiding it more than others. They are men....let them be men for heaven sakes.

[Fondue]

I am taking a step back from the argument itself.

 

The greater issue here is the manipulation. She is giving you an ULTIMATUM for what most of (rational) society consider s minimal offense. If you can even call it that.

 

What else is she going to give you an ultimatum aboutbin the future?

 

Is she going to start using this behavior as a weapon against you to bend you to her will at every juncture? Think if this in the long term.

 

Hell, would she even start to lose RESPECT for you when you will succumb to her demands?

 

This is a great, great glimpse of her true character and into the FUTURE. Is this woman really onw that you want to be with?

 

This argument is soooo much more than just about her insecurities. This "misunderstanding" can lead to many more issues down the road. I would be very skeptical of this relation moving forward.

[irc333]

But her request is utterly unreasonable

 

I've seen requests or demands similar to what the OP's girlfriend had, but in online dating profiles. They over romanticize to the point where it's creepy. Even worse, some of them are over 40.

 

One even said, "I would like to have the kind of love I see in romantic films"

 

Caution, bunny boiler!

[me85]

I skimmed over the details and latest replies but IMO your gf seems ridiculous to have given you an ultimatum like that. That's definitely having unrealistic expectations and being a total drama queen. BUT if you know she's an insecure person then you should know better than to make comments like that around her. Was it worth her overreacting about? Absolutely not, but if you do it all the time even though she's told you it makes her feel self conscience then that's uncool as well.

 

This is something easily fixed through communication and mutual respect but then again, a lot of RSs can be repaired that way, if only both partners could demand more from themselves and less from each other.

[bebe23]

I don't think it would be that great of an idea to mention that a celebrity is beautiful in front of your SO anyway. Still, she's being childish and overreacting.

 

My husband and I were watching the TV show 'Once Upon a Time.' It's something we both like, although I was surprised he would like this show because the majority of its fans are women- it's about live-action Disney and fairytale characters, Prince Charmings, etc. I thought maybe it's because of all the beautiful actresses in the show. So I casually asked him which character did he think was prettiest, and he said Belle. I was fine with that, and I told him I liked Neal the best out of the male characters. It was kind of cute, and we thought nothing of it. They're TV actors, of course they're gorgeous!

 

There are a few occasions when I see someone in real life I find terribly attractive, and I just try not to look. Once on vacation this summer, we went to a magic show. We picked a seat in the second row, and when people were coming to sit in the front row, there was this adorable, gorgeous married man with kids- dark hair, stocky and muscular, probably in his 30's. I tried to look away and felt awful and guilty because this man and his wife (who was very pretty of course although not super thin, just average size) were no doubt younger than us, more attractive than us, and just so perfect. We enjoyed the show and I pretty much forgot about adorable guy, but then the magician called him up as a volunteer. He was going to put his head in a guillotine as one of the acts, and he was being all cute and funny and hamming it up. Oh my, I was swooning.

 

I felt bad about it until we got back to the hotel, and I told myself I didn't KNOW that guy. But my hubby is mine, and he is a great guy. He loves me and is faithful and sure he may not be the perfect image of my dream man but he's cute in his own way, he has warm brown eyes with nice smile lines and dimples, he's tall, hardworking and most of all a damn good decent person on the inside. He's also a hero, because he's a firefighter.

 

I never said anything about it, and forgot about it soon. I guess it's just an example of the old saying 'I'm married but not dead.' My husband actually makes fun of some of the skinny actresses on TV, he thinks they're ugly. But he will (jokingly) comment about his admiration for the bra models in Target fliers. If I were a guy, I'm sure I'd do the same.

 

Anyway, if you can't stand that your partner may find others appealing, you are immature. She needs to get over it because more serious problems come along in relationships!

Edited November 8, 2014 by bebe23