ultimatum Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Ok, so I have been dating my current girlfriend for several years now and for the most part everything is pretty good. I have known for a while that she has some self esteem issues, so I try my best to work on building that up anytime I can. The other day while getting ready to watch some TV, I commented on the attractiveness of a female celebrity, I made no comparisons. My girlfriend immediately asked me who I though was prettier, my girlfriend or the celebrity in question. I stumbled over the answer for a few seconds, and she just kept repeating the question. By the end she was incredibly angry and told me to leave and I did. Since then, we have talked about the situation a few times and it has not improved at all. She has told me she wants to be in a relationship with someone that thinks she is the prettiest girl in the world. I told her I think she is beautiful and that there are so many other wonderful things about her that make me want to be with her over anyone else. She even told me that she knew she was not prettier than the celebrity in question, but just wanted to hear from me that I thought my girlfriend was more attractive. I asked her if she would prefer I lie to her and she said "yes". The end result was her telling me that unless I can promise to always tell her she is more attractive that anyone she compares herself to, she wants to end the relationship. I really value communication, and continuing a relationship based around a promise like that really irks me. I really value my girlfriend and the relationship, and I tried to work toward some sort of compromise. I offered to attend a few couples counseling sessions to talk this issue out with someone else, but she refused. She is getting angrier and angrier in the meantime, because according to her I must not value the relationship much if I cannot commit to something simple like this. I really want this relationship to work, but I just don't know if I can commit to what she has asked. I don't know how to respond to her at this point because it seems like everything I say just makes her angrier. This has been a relatively long and successful relationship, and it seems silly to throw it away based on a situation that I think is pretty silly, but what she is asking me to do makes me feel wrong. tl;dr I made a statement about the attractiveness of a celebrity. Girlfriend got angry and asked me who was more attractive, her or the celebrity. Told me that unless I promise to always tell her she is more attractive anytime she compares herself to someone, even if I lie about it, she wants to end the relationship. What Do?
J21 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 You need to leave her. She's crazy. She is controlling and isn't even letting you speak your mind freely which isn't healthy in a relationship. it also speaks volumes about her character. If you bend on this, she will always use the "agree with me or we're breaking up card" on you. Time to move on buddy, not walk around egg shells. 10
Elias33 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 You are from what I understand considerable enough to work with her insecurities. However, you can only do so much. If the scenario you described the way it did, maybe a little quarrel is to be expected, maybe. But her request is utterly unreasonable, and will be very unhealthy for you. Her insecurity is big enough to where it affects the relationship. And this is where you make a choice. Can you really make that promise? What if her insecurities grow worse? Another demand? You can do this for the rest of your days? Are you willing? There is nothing wrong finding a celebrity on TV attractive, and nothing wrong with admitting so. Of course, you can discuss this with great consideration and care NOT to hurt the others' feelings. But when that has occurred, the problem is going to be entirely hers. We all have our insecurities, and it is up to us to manage them so they won't affect your relationship negatively. And she hasn't got her insecurities under control at all, considering she made such an awkward request. A decision on your part is to be made. But remember, whatever she goes through, she can only fix herself, you, you can only enable it. And by agreeing on such a tricky proposition, you are enabling her insecurities... Good luck.
Imajerk17 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Why not. As long as she promises to always tell you how much hotter you are than Ryan Gosling. 4
Author ultimatum Posted November 7, 2014 Author Posted November 7, 2014 Why not. As long as she promises to always tell you how much hotter you are than Ryan Gosling. I actually made that exact comparison during the argument. She told me she thought I was (spoiler: I'm not). 3
Author ultimatum Posted November 7, 2014 Author Posted November 7, 2014 You are from what I understand considerable enough to work with her insecurities. However, you can only do so much. If the scenario you described the way it did, maybe a little quarrel is to be expected, maybe. But her request is utterly unreasonable, and will be very unhealthy for you. Her insecurity is big enough to where it affects the relationship. And this is where you make a choice. Can you really make that promise? What if her insecurities grow worse? Another demand? You can do this for the rest of your days? Are you willing? There is nothing wrong finding a celebrity on TV attractive, and nothing wrong with admitting so. Of course, you can discuss this with great consideration and care NOT to hurt the others' feelings. But when that has occurred, the problem is going to be entirely hers. We all have our insecurities, and it is up to us to manage them so they won't affect your relationship negatively. And she hasn't got her insecurities under control at all, considering she made such an awkward request. A decision on your part is to be made. But remember, whatever she goes through, she can only fix herself, you, you can only enable it. And by agreeing on such a tricky proposition, you are enabling her insecurities... Good luck. It really just sent me for a loop because I just made a passing statement about someones attractiveness, I would never directly compare her to someone else. But she made it personal and compared herself and then put me in a very bad situation. I guess part of the problem is I do care about her a lot, we've been through a lot and I really value her and the relationship, so I wan't to help her. But it is very likely you are right, maybe I have provided all the help I can at this point and have just became an enabler. I really haven't looked at that way before, thanks.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 OP. it's not your job to fix her self-esteem. She obviously measures her self-esteem based on external factors and believes it's up to other people to make her feel good. She doesn't seem to understand that it comes from inside her. I personally would not be able to continue a relationship with someone who has such unrealistic expectations and makes childish demands. She has some maturing to do. Let her walk away and work on herself first. 1
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I actually made that exact comparison during the argument. She told me she thought I was (spoiler: I'm not). Then she just lied too. You are going to have to tell her the reality is, that there will always be more attractive women than her, and more attractive men than you....it's just the way life is. Who you love is her and only her, and that's just the way it is. Tell her she is being unrealistic, and insecure.....if she keeps it up she WILL lose you, because you can only put up with so much ****. The min you start walking she will be on her knees apologizing.
OwMyEyeball Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Codependency Read up and see if that fits your situation. In most people your situation would result in no response or very mild jealousy, quickly dismissed. Life goes on. In her case your off-hand remark led to immediate anger that escalated with each step backward that you took and ended with overt manipulation (the "ultimatum"). 1
Keenly Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 You need to look past the face value of the situation. Realize that she is attempting to control your THOUGHTS. Do you understand that? Do you grasp the magnitude of her insanity? 1
Author ultimatum Posted November 7, 2014 Author Posted November 7, 2014 You need to look past the face value of the situation. Realize that she is attempting to control your THOUGHTS. Do you understand that? Do you grasp the magnitude of her insanity? That is one of the things that confuses me the most about the situation, she said she does not care if I think someone is attractive. She just wants me to promise that no matter what I think I will tell her what she wants to hear. I want to be able to tell her what I am thinking, and I wan't her to be able to tell me what she is thinking. But that is seeming like a less likely possibility as time goes on.
Zahara Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 OP, you can't fix someone's self-esteem. If that were the case, they will constantly be seeking your validation from you versus them focusing inward and working it through themselves. 2
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 That is one of the things that confuses me the most about the situation, she said she does not care if I think someone is attractive. She just wants me to promise that no matter what I think I will tell her what she wants to hear. I want to be able to tell her what I am thinking, and I wan't her to be able to tell me what she is thinking. But that is seeming like a less likely possibility as time goes on. That kind of talk is just a trap. She is trying to convince you that it's ok to be open about it, but in reality she is just setting you up, using it to keep tabs on you. She is just manipulating the situation. You need to call her out on it......ask her this: If she was ok with it she wouldn't be asking such stupid questions like that, hmmmm? 2
preraph Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 She sounds young. See, I'm old, but as far as I can tell, girls are still raised to believe in fairy tales, where you meet "the one" and they are your ONLY true match and you each believe the other is the most beautiful. Now, I'm that way myself, so I know what I'm talking about. But the difference is I exempt celebrities, because they're all fake boobs, fake hair, plastic surgery and airbrushed to be smaller and more perfect than ANY living woman could ever be. It's all done with mirrors, as they say. But yes, every woman would love to think her man only had eyes for her, and it does hurt when you know they're always scouting other women and getting an eyeful, even if they're faithful. Not all, but some women are capable of truly only having eyes for their one man. I am like that when I'm in love, and yet I am by no means naive or inexperienced. That's love my way, and in a perfect world a man would feel that way back, but the ones I've known aren't capable of it. They're always looking. When I'm in love, I don't even really SEE other guys. I don't know any man who's like that but if one of you out there is, by all means let us ladies know it exists. I understand the rationale is men are more visual, but I'm really visual too, so not sure I buy it. I just think they're hornier on a daily basis and their horniness outweighs their love or empathy at times. 2
Standard-Fare Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 This is nuts. Encourage her to talk about this situation with some other women she trusts -- good friends, sister/mother. She needs to hear from some other people besides you that she's being absurd and unreasonable. Your suggestion to go to couple's counseling was a good one for this case, and shows you're committed to working this out. Maybe you need to be more proactive with that. Book an appointment on your own, then tell her the time. And that she should show up to it if she cares at all about continuing the relationship. If she doesn't, at least you'll have a counselor giving you advice on how to handle this. 2
heartshaped Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I think your girlfriend's insecurities are coming into play, but OP you sound a bit naive and so does everyone else here. There are certain questions that a person doesn't answer honestly. For example, do you think I have gained weight ? Do I look fat in this dress ? Do you think she's prettier than me? Etc. I don't see what good would ever come from telling your SO someone is more attractive than them whether they asked or not whether it's a celebrity or not. You don't think she knows the celebrity is more attractive ? Of course she knows but she wants the reassurance that you would want her over anyone else. That's all she was looking for and honestly it should've rolled off your tongue like rain off an umbrella. Now she's pissed to high heaven and making unreasonable demands. I think you both need to take some time to calm down and ultimately she needs to work on her insecurities for you two to work. 2
Keenly Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I think your girlfriend's insecurities are coming into play, but OP you sound a bit naive and so does everyone else here. There are certain questions that a person doesn't answer honestly. For example, do you think I have gained weight ? Do I look fat in this dress ? Do you think she's prettier than me? Etc. I don't see what good would ever come from telling your SO someone is more attractive than them whether they asked or not whether it's a celebrity or not. You don't think she knows the celebrity is more attractive ? Of course she knows but she wants the reassurance that you would want her over anyone else. That's all she was looking for and honestly it should've rolled off your tongue like rain off an umbrella. Now she's pissed to high heaven and making unreasonable demands. I think you both need to take some time to calm down and ultimately she needs to work on her insecurities for you two to work. How about the more logical suggestion of don't ask questions that you DONT want the asnwerrs to. No one should feel the need to lie to their partner in order to make them feel better about themselves. If you nurture insecurity, you are stunting some ones emotional growth. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Every naive, starry-eyed young woman wants her man to think she's the most beautiful girl in the world - or at least not hint that she's not. You just shattered her fantasy, and as a formerly naive, starry-eyed young woman, I can tell you that **** hurts! I wouldn't suggest you lie to her. But stop talking about how hot other chicks are in front of her. No woman wants to hear that, and it's kind of rude. Keep that to yourself or your guy friends. 6
GorillaTheater Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Of course your gf isn't the most beautiful woman on the planet, but there's a "best practices" way of dealing with this. "Do these jeans make my ass look big?" The chump response: "No dear." The truthful chump response: "F*ckin' A right they do." Best Practices: "Your ass would look even better with those jeans around your ankles." Learn to deflect these kind of sh*t test questions with humor. "I'd MUCH rather jump in the sack with you on your worst day than (celebrity chick) on her best", or at least something along those lines. Yeah, your gf is being totally irrational, but maybe something to keep in mind for your next relationship. 9
Quiet Storm Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 She values image and fantasy more than reality and honesty. Someone like this will tell you what she thinks you want to hear, because she assumes that you would like to be protected from harsh truths, like she does. It's all about image and how she wants things to appear, instead of what's authentic. Many people who have difficult childhoods get into a pattern like this, because when they were young they coped with all their family problems with denial, daydreaming and fantasies. Pretending was so much better than real life. It can become a default in adulthood, where anything negative is hidden or denied. She has these ideas in her head about how things are supposed to be, and if you don't follow her script, it creates strong feelings of anxiety in her. And she does not have the coping skills to deal with adversity or disappointments like an emotionally healthy person. So she'd rather you "take back what you said" and pretend it never happened. It's sad. Someone like this will lie to those they claim to love, model this behavior for their children who end up repeating it, and be in denial for much of their lives if they don't get help. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Best Practices: "Your ass would look even better with those jeans around your ankles." Perfect It's hot when a guy knows how to handle your girlie BS 3
Quiet Storm Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I think this goes deeper than just immaturity or insecurity. She basically is demanding that he lie to her. It's like her whole identity is compromised if he doesn't follow her script. That worries me. 3
Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I don't understand women like her nor why they love to ask questions they don't want honest answers to. If she can't accept the reality there are and will always be more attractive women in the world - especially celebrities - than she's not a rational thinking adult. At all. You thinking another woman is attractive or even MORE attractive than her doesn't mean you're going to go out and cheat nor does it mean she herself is UNattractive. What is, however quite unattractive is her silly way of thinking and behavior. This is a ridiculous situation and an even more ridiculous reason to end a relationship. What she's really saying is "agree with me or I'll leave you." It's controlling and sets the stage even more "demands" and ultimatums being placed in the future. Honestly, I'd let this one go. She sounds emotionally unstable and needy.
Thegreatestthing Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 My bf always tells me I'm the prettiest girl in the world even when I send him dozens of pictures of other girls he says there not as good as you,there ugly etc you should try it.ha.
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