noisezone Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 This is the second time I have found my husband searching how to cheat websites. He swears he never cheated and I do believe him and he swears he does not want to cheat he is just curious. He has been honest and takes full responsibility for his actions but I am not sure if I believe he will never cheat. Is this just a male fantasy or should I leave? I have no problem with him having fantasies but I feel searching cheating websites crosses the line. I hate to destroy my family if I have nothing to be concerned about. I would love to have a males view on this.
Got it Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 This is the second time I have found my husband searching how to cheat websites. He swears he never cheated and I do believe him and he swears he does not want to cheat he is just curious. He has been honest and takes full responsibility for his actions but I am not sure if I believe he will never cheat. Is this just a male fantasy or should I leave? I have no problem with him having fantasies but I feel searching cheating websites crosses the line. I hate to destroy my family if I have nothing to be concerned about. I would love to have a males view on this. I think the million dollar question is WHY is he looking and has looked multiple times? What, exactly, is he curious about? And doesn't he see the slippery slope of curiosity leading him to potentially cheating? What is the drive to want to look out there, what is he trying to fill? 3
PegNosePete Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I would say that someone looking up "how to cheat" is an extremely high flying RED FLAG. He is investigating how he can hide things from you. Especially if you've previously caught him, and presumably told him off about it before. Why would he do it again, knowing how it makes you feel? On the plus side it seems he's pretty BAD at hiding things from you, since you've discovered him searching for this, twice..... so if he did cheat, chances are he wouldn't be very good at covering it up.
normal person Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 So he hasn't cheated yet. It's pretty clear that he has intentions to in the future. Being "just curious about how to cheat" isn't really an acceptable cover story, is it? If he was just horny or whatever he'd look at porn, but no, he actually wants the real thing. I'd get rid of this guy fast.
central Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Or, he may think you're cheating and is looking for ways to figure that out if you are. Unlikely, but it's an alternative perspective.
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 The simple answer to this is...YES! Clearly there is something wrong in your relationship that is causing him to seek out sites that target an audience looking to cheat. If he was just interested in some visual stimulation to help him tug at his willy for a much needed release he'd be perusing porn sites, NOT cheating sites. HUGE red flag. 1
Author noisezone Posted November 7, 2014 Author Posted November 7, 2014 We have 22yrs invested in our marriage and a grandchild on the way. He has looked at porn off and on over the years (I can deal with that) and the first time he looked at cheating sites our marriage was at a standstill. He is horrible on computers and hiding things. The first time he did it we were in counseling weekly for 7 months and our relationship has been great since, I thought. This time he says they were just pops up on the porn sites and he clicked on them. We both go to church, are family oriented, do most things together, and have a great intimacy connection. He does not go out alone and his computers at work are restricted from certain websites and his work is a controlled environment so if he is at work he is actually working. I see his paystubs so I know all his hours. He never signed into the sites just viewed them. That is why I am so confused. I do not want to live always wondering and tearing myself apart but I do not want to tear apart my family either. Could it be just a fantasy or a mid life crisis. (He is 50 yrs old).
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 (edited) We have 22yrs invested in our marriage and a grandchild on the way. He has looked at porn off and on over the years (I can deal with that) and the first time he looked at cheating sites our marriage was at a standstill. He is horrible on computers and hiding things. The first time he did it we were in counseling weekly for 7 months and our relationship has been great since, I thought. This time he says they were just pops up on the porn sites and he clicked on them. We both go to church, are family oriented, do most things together, and have a great intimacy connection. He does not go out alone and his computers at work are restricted from certain websites and his work is a controlled environment so if he is at work he is actually working. I see his paystubs so I know all his hours. He never signed into the sites just viewed them. That is why I am so confused. I do not want to live always wondering and tearing myself apart but I do not want to tear apart my family either. Could it be just a fantasy or a mid life crisis. (He is 50 yrs old). Maybe. But please don't think that church-going, family oriented, do-most-things-together, and have-great-intimacy-connection with partner kind of men are immune or impenetrable to such temptations. There are countless hypocrites living double lives living among us and even frequenting this site. Perhaps they are the better ones to answer this question. He may just be uber curious and it may indeed be a naughty fantasy of his but I would continue to be cautious because as already said, this is often a very slippery slope. Edited November 7, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle
Author noisezone Posted November 7, 2014 Author Posted November 7, 2014 Totally agree with you and I would love to get some advice from a male point of view.
autumnnight Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 If you are ion a cheating website you are opening yourself up to cheating. In my mind there is no reason for a married person to be on a cheating website even if they have the lame and ridiculous excuse that they are there to catch cheaters. I am not going to start interacting with serial killers or rapists because I want to catch one.
Maleficent Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 This is the second time I have found my husband searching how to cheat websites. He swears he never cheated and I do believe him and he swears he does not want to cheat he is just curious. He has been honest and takes full responsibility for his actions but I am not sure if I believe he will never cheat. Is this just a male fantasy or should I leave? I have no problem with him having fantasies but I feel searching cheating websites crosses the line. I hate to destroy my family if I have nothing to be concerned about. I would love to have a males view on this. No, searching on a cheating site is not equal to cheating. He is definitely looking for someone even though he is with you. Why don't you make his searching easier by cutting him lose? This is no longer a 'if he cheats' question but a 'when he cheats' question. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 It's definitely a bad sign. If he had brought the site to your attention as a curiosity it wouldn't be a problem but this is him looking for something. I say that because years ago when it 1st came out I surfed the casual encounters section of Craigslist, not because I wanted a fling but because I couldn't believe it was there & what some people wrote. I'd find a particularly graphic ad & show my then BF so we could both laugh about it. A few years later I learned that prostitutes advertise there I naively was shocked so I went to look to see if I could spot an ad. I couldn't. My husband had to translate. Now if I gone on that site looking for something & hidden it from my SO that would have been bad. What I did was morbid curiosity. While your husband is telling you that it was curiosity he only said that after you discovered the searches, not before which is why it's problematic. I wouldn't toss his butt out just yet but I would keep my eyes & ears open.
Tayken Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 @OP....I am surprised that you had to ask this question. Look at it this way, shoe being on the other foot, how would you feel?
Friskyone4u Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 A good number of men and women go one these sites many times when they actually probably have no intention of actually doing it but are curious and looking for some ego kibbles. The problem is that once the ego kibble starts to happen, then it becomes intoxicating and next thing that happens there is anmeeting set up and a affair starts . Let's just use the most famous one. Ashley Madison. If your husband is on this site you should be worried. Now the fact is 70% of the users of this site are men, and so the odds of him finding someone to meet him are not better then if he walks into a club with 70% men to try to pick up a women. But the intent is there and that is a problem. On the other side of the coin, average of even not really attractive womenwill be inundated with guys that want to have sex with them in a matter of minutes. They do not even have to have a picture . The simple answer is there is a problem if a married person is registering on these sights because it is a calculated act of betrayal and not spontaneous or a bad impulsive thing at all. You cannot accept this
Got it Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I would contact your marriage counselor again and talk to him/her about it. I don't know if this is at a point to divorce, that is really your call, but it is a red flag that he has to want to address with you and resolve. This is his choice every step of the way. Your choice is how you want to handle it and what your boundaries are. I will say, there are some sites that might be better suited for where you are at. I would say check out surviving infidelity. I am sorry and good luck with everything. 1
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