Mc91 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I recently joined facebook through protests from my work mates and girlfriend for not having it. I've added a lot of old mates from school or who I've fell out of touch with - but I steered clear of adding exes to not fuel any insecurities on behalf of my GF, who I've been with for 14 months One of my exes added me a few days ago, I split up with her before I started college when I was 16. We'd been together about 11 months. After the split, we didn't speak for a year until she wished me well when I was seriously ill in hospital, and we regained contact and had a friendship - but we then fell out of contact again, as is life! I received the friend request, alerted my GF about it and asked her if she minded me accepting - to which she replied no. I didn't receive contact from my ex, but messaged her the next day to say simply 'hey, long time no speak - how's life?' It obviously triggered a conversation. We had a joke about her Dad's hair (long and fluffy) and then discussed life. She mentioned her having moved out of her house, I assume to be with her boyfriend..but it didn't feel like 'home' in some senses. I told her it will do, give it time and then mentioned I can't wait to move out with my GF who is living with me, my mother and my brother. That's pretty much 100% of the details of my conversation with my ex, bar the filling gaps inbetween. I have told my GF about it all, that we've been messaging to catch up on life basically, as we were friends when we lost contact. My girlfriend says no. I won't show her my messages out of principle. A few weeks ago she was talking to a lad she used to work with on FB the night we had a domestic, she insisted it was only about work but she refused to show me, then when I'd left the room she deleted hers and his conversations along with a few others. One of those deleted was cause a guy messaged her to say 'sorry about your relationship ending' which she'd posted on FB to get me back for our argument but she didn't want me to know about it, so she deleted it. I had to trust her word about what she said to this other lad, that it was just about work. Now I expect her to trust me because I have been 100% honest from the start. She's accused me of putting her 2nd to my ex, of messaging multiple girls (I was catching up with an old school friend too - she happened to be female bit again I was 100% honest word for word from the start) She's admitted being insecure, saying if I cared for her I'd see this has upset her and I should delete my ex and end contact - but when I ask her to do things to make me feel more comfortable in the relationship, she tells me to stop being controlling and basically tells me to deal with it. What do I do? I've enjoyed catching up, I'm happy my ex has found a bloke she's happy with and moved in with. I've told her about my GF, how she used to do the job my ex is currently doing, acknowledging the stress it can cause (care work) Am I wrong in not wanting to 'be controlled' as to who I speak to when I know she hasn't put my feelings first many times in the past?
Toodaloo Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Am I wrong in not wanting to 'be controlled' as to who I speak to when I know she hasn't put my feelings first many times in the past? I think this is more of an issue than you speaking to an ex on FB...
PegNosePete Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 she refused to show me, then when I'd left the room she deleted hers and his conversations along with a few others. SERIOUS red flag dude. Why would an innocent person do this? Someone with nothing to hide, hides nothing. She deleted it because she knew you'd find something you wouldn't like. Which means, at best, she has been saying some inappropriate things. At worst... well....... you know. You need to get to the bottom of this. Doe sshe exhibit any other shifty/dodgy behaviour such as being very private with her phone, taking it into the bathroom, suddenly password protecting it, being secretive in any other way?
Author Mc91 Posted November 7, 2014 Author Posted November 7, 2014 No not at all, she ignores messages and compliments with random lads and would even give me the option to reply for her. She only recently put a passcode on her phone but told me what it was and said it was to keep others out (people playing pranks at work) This lad she deleted messages from is only 16, she's 27 (apparently her mates son) and I'm her first younger partner (one of the 'guys should be 5 years older than girls' brigade) so I doubt there's anything there. The messages she deleted and admitted to were from a weird god preacher she knows because her mate messaged him for her when she was at her mates house, but I'd seen that message before she deleted it and after the original message to him she messaged him back before he replied saying 'I'm so sorry that was my friend not me' and she didn't reply after that. The other message she deleted she admitted it was because she didn't want me to see someone saying 'sorry your relationship has ended', again I'd already seen that before she deleted it but she didn't reply. She's a trustworthy girl, she doesn't talk to random lads, any of her exes and according to her mates doesn't shut up about me - my mum absolutely adores her. But she is very insecure so I'm not sure whether I should be putting that before keeping in touch with an old friend who happens to be an ex, because I don't want her to control me when she's accused me of trying to do so to her in the past.
lyndaaxo Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 It sounds like she's annoyed at you talking to an ex because of something SHE'S hiding - I mean why delete conversations if there's nothing suspicious? I can't see how it will work if she dictates who you can or can't talk to and is insecure even though you've explained it (which you really didn't have to do in the first place). She's probably just good at talking you round to her side. I'd cut your losses before it gets worse!
Author Mc91 Posted November 7, 2014 Author Posted November 7, 2014 She says she deleted the messages from this other lad by mistake when getting rid of the others. She has pics of her and her ex still on facebook and I have never once raised it as an issue because it doesn't bother me. Maybe if she wants to start telling me who I can talk to I'll have to 'cleanse' her facebook of a few things too.
lyndaaxo Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Maybe if she wants to start telling me who I can talk to I'll have to 'cleanse' her facebook of a few things too. Or you could accept its not a healthy way to conduct a relationship and either both of you let the other speak to whoever they want, or admit its not going to work long-term. Just a thought. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 You can't live like this. If there was a legitimate reason why she thought you shouldn't be talking to the ex then it's up to her to explain to you why, and for you to decide whether or not you're going to do what she'd prefer. If it was a 'one off' thing, like she had a problem with you speaking to exes, then perhaps... lots of people hate that. Insecure people, sure. But people. But it sounds like it's a huge pattern between the two of you that is taking up a lot of time and energy, and hurting. I would probably feel jealous and uncomfortable if my partner was talking to a recent ex who was the love of his life at one point, which is my bad, but it's how I would feel. However, him speaking to girls he's slept with or kissed or dated a long time back is nothing. I am still friends or friendly with men I have dated, it didn't work out but we became great friends. You're right to stand up for yourself and refuse to show her the messages if she does the same to you. It's not about you and this 'ex' (come on... 16 years old? I don't even really consider my relationships at that age to be 'exes', they're more like old friends who I've just known for a really long time). It's about her insecurity and the power struggle between you both 'well if you're going to do that, I'm going to do this'. You say she's trustworthy but come on, why would she be deleting these messages? And who the hell changes their facebook relationship status back to single just to upset their partner? She's incredibly immature and people can take a long time to mature. Some people don't. You might not think she's courting attention but changing your facebook status is doing exactly that. Sit her down and explain that you love her, you want to be with her, and the 'ex' is nothing more than an old mate, you may chat to her once in a while, you may not, it's not a big deal. You refuse to be told what to do ('girlfriend says no' wtf? Like she's your parent?) but if she feels insecure or upset about it she's welcome to speak to you about it for some reassurance. Let her know that's how it is and how it's gonna be. Either she will grow up and this will become a non-issue, or she won't be able to handle it and you guys will break up. But I promise if you spend a lifetime with this girl, the controlling aspect will get to you bad, maybe even change how you feel about relationships in the future. I dated a guy four years 18-22 who was really insecure and jealous. He didn't want me to go swimming in case people saw me in a bikini. He didn't want me to see a male doctor even if I was in urgent need of some medical attention and no female medics were available. He ruined a weekend because I pulled my top up, and I did it wrong (he says I pulled it away from my body a couple cm before pulling it up, meaning everyone could have seen my nipple if they wanted to). He ruined a NYE by telling me I was acting like a slut for wearing a short skirt. It messed me up a lot, in the future. I felt like whenever I was wearing a dress I was cheating. He never told me what to do, but he would say 'do what you want' then get all moody and nasty, and I would be so upset that things weren't 'right' between us it was easier just to comply to get that warm relationship fuzzy feeling back instead of conflict. I can't believe I put up with it for so long. Think long and hard whether you want to be with this girl. 1
dragonfire13 Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 I don't get a few things here, you say you won't let her see your facebook messages on principle...but you wanted to see her private messages? Granted, this was when your suspicions were raised after something I'm assuming she posted publicly, whereas your messages/intentions with your ex were innocent enough...but still, isn't that a bit hypocritical? I also don't understand why your ex would say she was fine about you talking to your ex, when she really wasn't. Her venting online about your relationship when you guys have a domestic doesn't look promising either - I think she has major communication issues and Facebook is just aggravating it. This is why I hate social media - it creates issues where there doesn't need to be and it brings out the petty side of usually rational adults. I think for the sake of your relationship, both of you should spend less time on Facebook. She perhaps needs to grow up a little, as it seems that while you've been absent on social media, she's been venting online about you. Now that you've joined Facebook, she's having to edit her activity. That speaks volumes about her maturity level and I'm not sure how good that is for your relationship...
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 This is why I hate social media - it creates issues where there doesn't need to be and it brings out the petty side of usually rational adults. I think for the sake of your relationship, both of you should spend less time on Facebook. She perhaps needs to grow up a little, as it seems that while you've been absent on social media, she's been venting online about you. Now that you've joined Facebook, she's having to edit her activity. That speaks volumes about her maturity level and I'm not sure how good that is for your relationship... I've never had a problem with any relationship I've ever been in thanks to social media. Facebook is merely a tool for people who are already gonna cheat, addicted to drama, jealous and insecure, to act out with. Without Facebook they'd be just the same. People control their actions, not social media.
dragonfire13 Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 (edited) I've never had a problem with any relationship I've ever been in thanks to social media. Facebook is merely a tool for people who are already gonna cheat, addicted to drama, jealous and insecure, to act out with. Without Facebook they'd be just the same. People control their actions, not social media. That's good for you that you remain unaffected and yes, there are individuals who misuse social media. But social media can also cause unnecessary problems and a fresh wave of insecurities for even the most level-headed person, not necessarily the types to cheat or who are insanely jealous. It comes about because they actively use the site. This entire thread has come about as a result of their Facebook use. Without Facebook, he wouldn't be talking to his ex, and she wouldn't posting personal, passive aggressive statuses. These things wouldn't be an issue in the real, non-virtual world. Sure, it may manifest itself in another way, but these specific problems are social media related. They aren't the only couple susceptible to relationship insecurity due to social media. I'm not saying it causes problems in EVERY relationship. If it does then I agree, it's due to how the user interacts with it so it's not like social media is to blame entirely. I personally choose not to actively use these sites because I know the problems it may potentially cause if you're a heavy user. I also outgrew things like Facebook once I finished university. Some people like to use it excessively which they're perfectly entitled to, but I would always advise against it. Edited November 8, 2014 by dragonfire13
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