Dad living a double life

[Dreamworld]

Hi my post covers several topics so I hope this is the right place to post.

 

 

I just learned a couple months ago that my own father, someone who had been praised and respected in our town as a family man, wonderful husband, devoted father (and he was, I can't recall a time he was ever away from us), had been living some sort of secret double life. To say I am seriously messed up right now is an understatement...

 

 

My mother found out by chance through his FB ( he was STUPID enough to leave himself LOGGED IN on the computer he shared with my mom.) I remember going over to her and reading all the messages together. He had been sexting and chatting and flirting with different women for 3 YEARS. And he slipped up with the log in. And he had giving out a phone number to these women, a number our family knew NOTHING about.

 

 

And my mom told me this wasn't the first time. I didn't know because she didnt tell me that time. Before the birth of FB, she found his email inbox (again, he left it OPEN and when the woman replied the box or whatever popped up as my mom was using it. jeez) and he had had hundreds of emails back and forth between women he was part of a gym membership with. She let it go the first time, but then the FB thing happened and I guess she wanted to tell me this time.

 

 

He seemed like a completely different person. With us, he was the stoic but loving quiet father and husband. But with these women, the things he was saying....I can't explain the shock of it..my mother never suspected a thing.

 

 

I had been going through therapy to help me come to terms with my past ( I was a cheated on spouse, later to be an OW to a married man, the blowout with his wife made me realize my horrible mistake and I never did it again. But to this day I seem to attract and only attract married men and I started to think it had to have something to do with something broken within me) and this pretty much was an atomic bomb of sorts.

 

 

I write this all very calmly, but I am depressed and now I cant even go on dates because I can't trust men anymore. My system just shuts down, I don't know if anyone else has experienced this...it just shuts down, I can't open my mind or heart.

 

 

I am contuining my therapy...but please someone how can people do this? How can my dad do this? I thought he and my mom had a great relationship. Why did he do this? Is this why I am so messed up...??

 

 

What scares me more is that my mom is awfully quiet about the whole thing. She goes about her day doing her regular things she does, but she doesn't say a word about it. Her silence is scaring me more than how a betrayed wife would usually respond: emotionally...My dad is going on and on saying how sorry he is it won't happen again there was no physical contact, he only met them in a group, etc etc. He didn't cross the line (um don't you all think he did????) And she remains silent.

 

 

I just wanted to share, as I have shared other things here. I don't know what is going to happen between my parents..but I am scared.thank you for reading.

 

 

p.s= I wish we had never found out, then we would have been blissfully ignorant. If you are going to cheat, how can you be so STUPID and leave yourself logged in.

Edited November 7, 2014 by Dreamworld

[Toodaloo]

Some times men do really REALLY stupid things. Sometimes women do too.

 

It seems like a bit of excitement and hurrah at the time but then they realize its not so great, usually after they have got involved in something really dumb and they don't know how to stop.

 

Your Mum is probably trying to get her own mind around this. It would be wrong for her to open up to you as it would be disloyal to your father and doesn't want to pull you into it. Don't forget here that although he has been stupid doesn't mean that your Mum has to be too.

 

Sounds to me as though you have your own issues to deal with regarding fidelity and your ideas about it. Concentrate on that rather than your Mum and Dad.

 

Sex is a massive thing in a marriage and is also one of the first things to drop off once you have bills, work and children to worry about. Let your Mum digest this and deal with it as she see's fit. Try not to judge your father. There are always 2 sides to EVERY story. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors within your parents marriage as that is private between them (would you really want to anyway???).

 

Everyone makes mistakes. Most of the time its better to deal with it, get on with life and learn to forgive.

[Got it]

Dream - have you looked into therapy for this? I guess since my parents never had a good marriage I never had these illusions of grandeur about it so when I found out about my mom's previous affair it was more a "meh" moment.

 

This is between your parents but you have every right to talk to your dad about your feelings and the impact it has had on you. The best thing you can do is recommend your mom seek counseling as well.

 

I am sorry for the pain you are in.

[Dreamworld]

Thank you for the quick replies.

 

Got It, I havent been here in a really long time as I was focusing on my therapy, but I remember you, you always gave such helpful advice to my posts in the past, and some of the stuff you said then was right on the money. Thank you again.

 

I really do want to talk to my dad. he is such a great person and like Toodaloo said, I really want to believe there was more going on between my parents that would cause him to do what he did. Maybe the relationship wasnt as great as I saw it...anything that would help to explain things. But yes, it is ultimately between my parents.

 

I guess what is hitting me so hard is that with my messy past and my sensitivity to infidelity ( more so since I have been on both sides of the fence and have seen how capable men are at cheating) I always viewed, no almost desperately viewed I guess, that one of the people who I looked upto the most, my dad, would never ever be that sort of person. And that there were men out there just like him. So when this all came to light, it felt the little hope i had left just came crashing down around me. It has effected me quite a bit, and yes I started confiding in my counselor about this too.

 

As for the married men attracted to me part, through therapy, I learned that subconsciously I am so afraid of being hurt again (due to my traumatic first marriage) that I unconsciously gravitate toward "unavailable" men because well, since obviously they won't offer the same things in a real relationship so it is some twisted way of guarding myself. And these men subconsciosly pick up on this vibe and move in for the kill with great gusto. And the unhappier they are, the stronger they are drawn to me. It is still sort of hard for me to grasp all this, but I am trying to come to terms with it. Does this make sense at all? Anyway, therapy is helping a lot.

 

I am going to need a lot of counseling. Some days are really bad where I get panicked when a single guy even displays a small amount of interest.

[Got it]

Thank you for the quick replies.

 

Got It, I havent been here in a really long time as I was focusing on my therapy, but I remember you, you always gave such helpful advice to my posts in the past, and some of the stuff you said then was right on the money. Thank you again.

 

I really do want to talk to my dad. he is such a great person and like Toodaloo said, I really want to believe there was more going on between my parents that would cause him to do what he did. Maybe the relationship wasnt as great as I saw it...anything that would help to explain things. But yes, it is ultimately between my parents.

 

I guess what is hitting me so hard is that with my messy past and my sensitivity to infidelity ( more so since I have been on both sides of the fence and have seen how capable men are at cheating) I always viewed, no almost desperately viewed I guess, that one of the people who I looked upto the most, my dad, would never ever be that sort of person. And that there were men out there just like him. So when this all came to light, it felt the little hope i had left just came crashing down around me. It has effected me quite a bit, and yes I started confiding in my counselor about this too.

 

As for the married men attracted to me part, through therapy, I learned that subconsciously I am so afraid of being hurt again (due to my traumatic first marriage) that I unconsciously gravitate toward "unavailable" men because well, since obviously they won't offer the same things in a real relationship so it is some twisted way of guarding myself. And these men subconsciosly pick up on this vibe and move in for the kill with great gusto. And the unhappier they are, the stronger they are drawn to me. It is still sort of hard for me to grasp all this, but I am trying to come to terms with it. Does this make sense at all? Anyway, therapy is helping a lot.

 

I am going to need a lot of counseling. Some days are really bad where I get panicked when a single guy even displays a small amount of interest.

 

Ack! Watch the bolded! You and I both know that there is nothing about their marriage that "made" him do this. He wanted this fantasy life because of his thinking/coping style. If he is honest with himself he needs to break it down why he thought it was okay and appropriate. Even if he doesn't feel like it is cheating, obviously the first time your mom found out she was upset and that should have stopped things (which it didn't). So that is all on him. So, sure, ask him why. But remember that he has to own it.

 

Do you think you are in a good frame of mind to be dating? I get the fear of vulnerability. But, since you have gone through what you have, do you REALLY think that it would every happen like that again? That you could be hurt at that level, with that level of naivety? I would say no. I would work on trusting yourself, trusting your gut, and knowing you will be okay even if you do open yourself up and someone disappoints/hurts you. That their actions don't define you and your self worth.

 

And, you know right?, that it is okay to not have the answers, to stumble, to not be perfect, right? I have a friend is so afraid to be vulnerable she kills the relationship almost right away. And it is that opening yourself up to hurt and being hurt like that first time (her father died when she was young and she was engaged and they broke up) that has scarred her. But it is just knowing that you aren't the same person, you have the skills in place now that won't allow that level of hurt, and that you will be okay even if it doesn't work out. It really will.

 

 

(((((dream)))))

 

Glad you found me helpful in the past. That really made my day. I am used to being told I am more of the devil reincarnate so that is a very pleasant surprise.

 

Wishing you all the best.