Mrin Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Thought I would share this and please chime in if you think you can help me out. As some of you know I've fallen madly head over heels in love with my GF. Things have been great. Only getting better. I met her boys really early on (unannounced drop in visit by ex who had custody). It was all good - we were just suiting up to go exercise. She just met my girls a couple of days ago. They've never met a love interest of mine before. It was great and the girls keep asking when they get to see my GF again. We haven't had a single fight or disagreement yet have shared very deep thoughts and feelings. Honestly, it has been magical and I have in my heart and mind come to the happy conclusion that I've met The One. I can't see myself ever wanting anyone else or to willingly choose to be away from her. Which makes my next statement so odd... Today I met her for lunch and we had a great conversation. Towards the end she says "hey, I'd like to work on something with you if you're game". I say sure! Lay it on me. Note: my GF is into personal development so what she said is like breathing to her... So she says "I'd love for us to set some goals for our relationship and where we want to be in a year". My involuntary reaction was somewhere between smelling a really bad smell and a vicious spider crawling up my leg. I didn't say anything but she totally noticed. And reacted like you would expect. So here's the thing. She isn't talking about marriage. We are both divorced and have no desire to get married again. Or atleast both of us a very skeptical of it. That being said we have often (instigated by me much of the time) discussed long and long long term plans and ideas. As soon as I reacted I thought on it and realized why I reacted like that. I quickly realized that my old old GF from years ago used to use those exact same words on me when she wanted to push me to marry her. It was a very dysfunctional relationship. She would beat on me about it for almost a year. Once I realized why I had flinched big time, I realized that I would love to engage her on setting goals. Talking about the future. Absolutely. In fact that is exactly what I want. But alas, the damage was done. After work I explained to her about my ex. And I think that helped. But she went full shields up and it will take some time before she is comfortable enough to lower them again. I talked about my desire for her and how I want us to last forever. I know I shouldnt press and try to fix this all in a day. But damn, I never realized that trigger was there until she said that. And I wish to God I could rewind the tape and react differently. Any other suggestions?
BluEyeL Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 If the relationship is that great, this bump in the road will not destroy it. You flinched, she has her guard up. I think you just need to give it time, a few months maybe and she'll let her guard down again when she sees you're in it with your heart and soul. I don't think there is any instant solution. Just patience, it's going to be alright. A bump here and there is bound to happen. How long have you two been together?
Author Mrin Posted November 7, 2014 Author Posted November 7, 2014 Thanks. Ya I figure this will take time and consistency of actions and words. Just never been sabotaged by an involuntary reaction like that. Usually poor decision making or word choices do that! Heh. We've been dating since June so it is still a young relationship. I'm 43 and she's 36 btw
IronZ Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 It seems like you had this one instance where you used your body language to communicate instead of your words. I think in a strong relationship there needs to be strong communication. You did well to tell her why you had that reaction. If she can't forgive you for that then it's her issue, not yours.
BluEyeL Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 She also should know better than to put herself in this position with a man, especially if she'sinto self development. Having this kind of discussions is not a great idea. So not just your fault. Hope all is well soon. I think you'll be fine.
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I really wouldn't worry. Leave it for a couple weeks and then you can bring it up again 'hey, remember you wanted to set some goals? Let's do it' once she's had time to forget your reaction. I don't think you responded badly! I've brought up moving in with someone before (after three years) and ended up in a massive argument that almost split us up. You could have laughed at her, you could have told her it was stupid, you could have said 'omg quit pressuring me' blah blah... you just got caught off guard. And many people would find that suggestion really weird, as the only thing that would pop into my mind at that would be either living together, or getting married! Don't sweat it. If this relationship is as beautiful as you say it is, she isn't going to leave you over this. Relationships are generally supposed to flow. I like to spend lots of time with someone letting it run its natural course without having to put 'goals' on it. A relationship is not the same as going for a promotion at work or studying to complete a degree. It involves two people, and any number of variables. 2
Author Mrin Posted November 9, 2014 Author Posted November 9, 2014 Thanks folks. Indeed it worked itself out. In some ways to served as a pseudo disagreement for us to see how we could deal with an uncomfortable topic. There is probably some lingering senstivity but also a heightened awareness on both our parts. Thanks again!
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