Spyker1982 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Hello all. I'm new to the forum. Unfortunately, I introduce myself as one of those guys who has found himself in a marriage with no intimacy and no definite get well plan. Let me give you some context first: I'm 32 yr old male. I've been in the military for over 10 years. In 2003, I married the love of my life. Everything was good. I married a strong headed southern woman who kept me in line. She was eccentric, fun, sexy, and incredibly smart. She is 31 yrs old now. Earlier this year, something snapped in our relationship. She no longer wants intimacy. She has repeatedy told me that I had 11 years to focus on meeting her emotional needs. I'm not sure I can repair this marriage. The struggles of balancing a military career and a marriage have proven to be beyond difficult. 10 years of being in the military has caused me to be emotionally negligent...long, multiple deployments, being gone, not being able to be there for my wife when she needed me the most. I'm completely distraught that I have done this to my wife and want her back. She no longer wants intimacy and only wants to be friends. We've talked about divorce because I honestly want her to be happy in life. But all we do is talk about it. Never execute to it. Which, to me, indicates hope that maybe there's a possibility that we can fix our marriage. But right now, I'm just unsure. She doesnt want me physically and doesn't really care for me emotionally. Her heart is walled-up. Can my marriage be fixed? I have never thought of infidelity. I've been to many places in the world that the military has taken me...and I can honestly say that I have always been faithful. I just want my wife and my marriage back but I fear that 10 yrs of emotional negligence has finally come to the point where I can no longer do anything about it. I've tried to ask for counseling but she isn't interested. She's only interested in getting her career going and being friends. Is this marriage doomed?
usernameshere Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I was going to suggest counseling, but see that you'd said she's not willing. To me, that's indicative that there isn't much hope, I'm sorry to say. If the divorce process gets rolling, reality sets in, and she's still not willing, then you have your definitive answer. My husband wasn't willing to do counseling for a couple years, I never thought he'd agree. But once divorce became an approaching reality he warmed to the idea. I'm not saying to threaten her, I'm simply saying that sometimes when all the pieces fall, you see what people really mean to you. On the upside, if you can get her to go, the military is excellent with counseling. My husband was army for four years and I had therapy a couple times for personal issues. It was 100% covered (I'm sure you know your benefits already). I don't mean to presume here either, but if you've been on multiple deployments and you think you may have any form of PTSD, you should help yourself for your future. Be it with your wife, another woman, or your own sake. Solo therapy during this time regardless of specifics or outcome is probably a good place to start. If you start going to appointments yourself, the divorce gets going, and she still doesn't want to join you - you at least know you did everything you could to try. You'll be able to look back and not regret a lack of effort. Good luck to you and thanks for your service.
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 First, I'm sorry to hear of your heartbreak. I know what it feels like to be in a marriage with someone you love dearly but there is a serious lack of intimacy particularly when it's the result of your partner making that decision for the both of you. It is beyond torture. Second, the one thing I've learned from my own heartbreaking experience is that you BOTH need to want to save the marriage. There is just no getting around this. A happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship takes TWO people both reading from the same page in the same book. It doesn't matter how much you love your wife, if she isn't interested in fixing the marriage there is very little hope at this point. The hardest lesson I learned from my experience? That sometimes love just isn't enough. Having said that, that's not to say there isn't hope after separation. I mean, there are plenty of couples who break up only to reunite again and go on to have stronger relationships than the first time around. But again, you both have to want that. I will say that from what you've described, your wife is checked out. She's blaming you and your military career for her unhappiness (rightfully so or not) and is done waiting around for you to "step up". That's kind of what I did with my ex. I'm not sure how hard your wife fought for your marriage in that time but I certainly fought for mine before I made the decision to leave. The saddest part? The only way I managed to finally grab my ex's attention was when I told him I wanted out. By that point, I was already halfway out the door and it didn't matter anymore if he was now ready to start working on our relationship. I had spent years preparing myself to leave him that when I finally found the courage to say it out loud, I was certain of my decision no matter how difficult it would be or how painful. I was emotionally exhausted and dying a slow death living that life particularly having gone many, many years without any kind of physical intimacy. That wasn't a way to live or the kind of marriage I dreamed about. You sound like you love your wife but clearly there's been years of emotional neglect on your part and pent up resentment on her part that resulted in her wanting out of your marriage. It didn't just happen over night. I'm curious, how do you feel about it? I mean, has she been able to fill all YOUR needs? Were you happy/fulfilled in your marriage up to this point? I only ask this because you made it sound like she's putting all the blame on you. Did she ever let you know how she was feeling before this? Did she ever suggest counselling in the past? Looking back on your marriage, did she fight for it but you were too preoccupied to notice all the signs until now? Again, it's a two way street. You both have to give as much as you take from one another. At this point, as hard as it will be, you might just have to let her go and let her find her way for now. If she's refusing counselling that kind of says it all in my book. It might a little too late I'm sorry. Good luck to you my friend. 1
Author Spyker1982 Posted November 7, 2014 Author Posted November 7, 2014 Thank you to the both of you. First off, to be completely honest, we got married really young. I was 20, she was 19. We went thru college together. Career wise, the military lifestyle and her interests in a career never matched up. It's difficult for both spouses to follow their "career dreams" when the military is involved--always moving. To be fair, my wife is a good woman. And, I can't blame her for feeling the way she does. She didn't really have a chance to fight for it. I was gone overseas. She did her best looking back. I just made a terrible mistake I feel that I can't recover from. It's just that over the years the emotional neglect has built up over time and had accumulated to a point. I went into the military shortly after 9/11. Deployment is what I know. I am empathetic to the fact that that has left my wife neglected. Perhaps I should have left the military along time ago. Perhaps I should have never gotten married that young. There's just a lot of shoulda, coulda, wouldas. Letting her go just kills me inside. But I also know that might be the best thing for her. I do appreciate both of your responses and the time it has taken to write them out. 1
dichotomy Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Earlier this year, something snapped in our relationship. She no longer wants intimacy. She no longer wants intimacy and only wants to be friends. We've talked about divorce because I honestly want her to be happy in life. But all we do is talk about it. Never execute to it. Which, to me, indicates hope that maybe there's a possibility that we can fix our marriage. But right now, I'm just unsure. She doesnt want me physically and doesn't really care for me emotionally. Her heart is walled-up. Can my marriage be fixed? I have never thought of infidelity. I've been to many places in the world that the military has taken me...and I can honestly say that I have always been faithful. are you sure she has been faithful?
writergal Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Spyker1982, Are there any military couples whom you know of, who also struggled with and overcame the hurdles of their marriage post-deployment? Maybe seek out some married couples you know who could offer you advice on how to handle your wife's unwillingness to be intimate with you. Maybe that's just a symptom of her resentment she feels towards you for all the deployments you had where she was left alone. But at the same time, she must have known the lifestyle that comes with being a military wife, especially after a few years of being married to you. Did she develop a strong support group of friends? Pursue her own academic or professional interests? Do you have children? If no children, then what have her outlets been since you've been married, that fulfill her? What does your wife mean exactly, when she claims you never met her emotional needs? Did you not video skype, call or email each other? Were you emotionally closed off from her all the time, even while on your deployments? Marriage is a two-way street. As Michelle Ma Belle said, both people have to give and take in a marriage. One person can't be responsible for maintaining the health and function of a marriage. Both people have to contribute equally and communicate to each other when they feel a deficit has happened, and then try to come up with a solution to repair that deficit. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. You sound like a very devoted, faithful husband to your wife. Hopefully your wife will come around and be open to marriage counseling.
Fearful Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Sorry OP. Every problem have a solution. However, for you to have the right remedy for your problem, you need a proper understanding of the problem. Has she being faithful to you? Chances are- she have unloved you because she is in love with another man. You were not always their for her physically and emotionally wich she did n't consider an issue in the past and now that you are ready to be for her, she is now using your past against you.
autumnnight Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 She has repeatedy told me that I had 11 years to focus on meeting her emotional needs. Instead of going straight to the typical affair accusation, maybe it has something to do with this??? OP, have you done anything to make this better? I think it is wrong for either party to withhold sex, but if the above is true then maybe fixing that is a better place to go than seeing affairs under every female rock.
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I feel as you have nowhere else you want to be, and you hope that you can save your marriage, I would agree to the "being friends" situation and endeavour to be the best caring friend you can be, in the hope you can show her, you do have an emotional, supportive and a happy side and that you can fulfil your role as her life partner and rekindle some of the stuff you had together before life got in the way. She is just shut down, she has coped very well without you, you gave her little in the way of support for years, and now on top of all that you come back and want sex. She will feel used and abused and will be a bit angry and resentful. You need to make her feel she can now trust you and your marriage is worth saving. If you can do that, she will want to have sex with you. You can say you love her and respect her, and you will do this and that, till you are blue in the face, but actions speak louder than words. You have to show her, you are serious about her and about saving your marriage. Speak to her, take her seriously, make her feel good about herself. I doubt this will be a quick endeavour, but if you take it slow and don't force stuff, (it doesn't look like she is in any hurry to go), I think you may have a good chance here.
central Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Unless she changes her mind to wanting to save the marriage, take her at her word, divorce her, remain friends, and move on. Sometimes, just filing for divorce makes the other person realize that they actually DO want to make another attempt, so it can be both a positive strategy - or an exit strategy. Either way, learn from this so you can have a better future relationship, whomever it's with.
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