KissMyTiara Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I've just recently started dating a Jewish man (I'm Catholic), and I'm nervous that it will get serious and then we'll be in a big 'ole giant mess (it seems that every guy I meet is Jewish, and comes from a family where the expectation is that he will marry a Jewish girl, but he has acknowledged that isn't likely to happen). Anyone have any experience with this specific dynamic (Jewish and Christian romantic relationship)? What do I need to know, ask him about, think about, etc.??
Author KissMyTiara Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 Sssh, don't tell anyone, it's new! But of course, now that I think about it, it's just another relationship where there's gonna be drama! Argh! That's why I am asking this NOW, so I know what I am getting myself into.
tokyo Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 You are Jewish when your mother is Jewish, the father doesn't matter.
Author KissMyTiara Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 I know that. So that obviously for "Jewish race" purposes, our potential children would not be "Jewish." I know what the "rules" are, what I want to know is how those rules will affect us.
Author KissMyTiara Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 Do you know? Seriously?? I am doing some "research," and it seems like the Jewish community is pretty much abhorrent of the idea... So sad, so sad.
HokeyReligions Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 Why not visit his synagogue and learn more about the Jewish faith; and if he is interested in you and learning more about you maybe he will visit your church also. People of different faiths make it work all the time. How important is his faith to him? Yours to you? If it starts to get a little serious ask him to talk with you about it, let him know your concerns and discuss how you might handle things like kids, and family celebrations, and holidays, etc. If you are afraid that kind of in-depth talk will turn him off or scare him away, be honest and tell him that you are not directing it him, but on a general level so that you can address any potential road-blocks to this relationship -- or others -- that each of you might have in the future if you don't stay together. Call it a learning and growing experience for both of you.
Author KissMyTiara Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 I'm just scared. It seems in SoCal, LA in particular, there is a big "us vs. them" attitude, and I don't want to feel ridiculously out of place, like an outsider, ya know?
alphamale Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara Do you know? Seriously?? I am doing some "research," and it seems like the Jewish community is pretty much abhorrent of the idea... So sad, so sad. They are abhorent of the idea cause there are only approx 14 million Jews in the entire world. That is like the population of the entire Los Angeles area including Oragne County. So of course they don't want interfaith marriages. What's not good for the gander is not good for the goose as they say.
quankanne Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 KMT, you're in a pretty good position, if you think it through. He's Jewish, you're Catholic. What is a Catholic, but a first-generation Hebrew Christian? You and he have a lot more in common as to your respective faiths than not. I think it'd be fascinating if a potential boyfriend and I agreed that to look for the similarities of our faith lives and how they affect our outlook, our way of living (much in the way that you'd be doing if you were dating another Christian who wasn't Catholic). I've never dated a non-Catholic, but I *did* marry a lapsed Episcopalian gone hillbilly heathen, so I can imagine a bit of what you're worried about, one thing I CAN tell you is that no matter what your background, how you carry yourself and how you treat others (with respect, in both cases) will carry much, much more weight in the long run ... that way, if you guys do get serious, his family cannot fault you for being evil. Only not Jewish. Think about talking to a priest and a rabbi about the similarities and differences of your spiritual backgrounds. I cannot remember where I read the story, but there is a support group for couples who are Jewish/Christian mix.
alphamale Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 Originally posted by quankanne I've never dated a non-Catholic, but I *did* marry a lapsed Episcopalian gone hillbilly heathen, yes i've heard of that.....it is the LEGHH Church of Latter Day Saints. Quite an interestinng group
Israfil Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 KMT: How serious is he in the practicing of his faith? Is he himself religious? What type is he - orthodox, reform, recontructionist etc.? Does he even believe in God? How does he want to raise his children? I am quite familiar with Southern California Jewish community (my latest ex), so I just was trying to get some more background to make an assessment.
Author KissMyTiara Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 Originally posted by Israfil KMT: How serious is he in the practicing of his faith? Is he himself religious? What type is he - orthodox, reform, recontructionist etc.? Does he even believe in God? How does he want to raise his children? I am quite familiar with Southern California Jewish community (my latest ex), so I just was trying to get some more background to make an assessment. Oh, jeez, I don't know which one he is, and even if I ask, I won't know what it means!! Oh no! HELP!
Hund1976 Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 It depends on how serious you are about your religions. If you both respect eachothers beliefs and don't try to convert eachother or think the other person will spend eternity burning in hell because they believe something different then you can make it work. As for families that's another story. Hopefully his family will accept it. But if not and he sticks up for you it'll be okay. I'm sure a lot of families that are initially totally against it come around after a while.
Author KissMyTiara Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 I'm not uber-Catholic, I pretty much only attend mass on Christmas Eve (midnight) and Easter, and when I have been a bad, bad girl, I might go to confession. I just don't want to have to give up Christmas!!
kgal Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 Hmmmm.... When it comes to faith, IMO, you shouldn't mess with someone of another religion (especially if the religion they practice conflicts w/your own.) I dated a muslim, only to be regected at the end of the relationship... and after a years worth of heartache.. I can tell you from exp. that its no fun. I dont know you or your bf, so I say this with all due respect. Its just what I have gone through, I wouldn't wish it on anyone else... it's good that you are asking this early on. My suggestion, talk to him about this!!! You don't want to wait 3 months down the road.. or even a year for that matter. Good Luck!
Hund1976 Posted March 15, 2005 Posted March 15, 2005 I just don't want to have to give up Christmas!! If he asks you to give up Christmas then he's not respecting you and you shouldn't be in a relationship like that. For inter-religion relationships to work both people have to understand that their partner has different beliefs and leave it at that. It probably works better with people who are only mildly religious. If a devout Jehovas Witness tired getting into a relationship with a radical Islamic Fundamentalist then there is of course going to be major issues. But a Catholic who goes to church a few times a year and a Jewish person on the same level could probably make it work. Another issue would be if you have children together. That is something you should probably discuss sooner than later.
Author KissMyTiara Posted March 15, 2005 Author Posted March 15, 2005 You're right, and honestly, I am seriously pndering the effect it would have on children. I really don't even honestly believe in or follow the tenets set out by the Catholic Church. Actually, if you were to ask me what I believe in my soul, what would spill out of my mouth would probably sound a lot like Reform Jadaism. That said, I'd be ok with the kids being raised Jewish, just not anything hard core. But that's thinking too far ahead...for now, how scared should I be of his parents strict requirement that he only date Jewish women? He says he completely disagrees with them on this, but they do think it's a "requirement."
Girly Girl Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Well, I'm Jewish and my boyfriend is Catholic, so I can comment a bit. I am actually a bit more religious than he is, which is kinda funny, because most of my Jewish friends think that I'm far from religious at all. I observe Jewish holidays from a familial standpoint. I was raised in a house where being with family on the holy days and other holidays was far more important than the overt religious messages of the holidays themselves. So, I can imagine that's the kind of religious upbringing I will eventually impart on my children. He went to Catholic school, but has very minimal ties to the church. He goes to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve and every few years goes on Easter. But, it really has very little bearing on his day-to-day life. We have talked quite a bit about a future in this situation. I would never convert for someone, so I would never ask them to convert for me. However, I am of the belief that Judaism and Catholicism (or any Christianity for that matter) are based on the same ethical system, which is far more important in the foundation of a relationship rather than the religion itself (especially when neither is particularily religious). If someone is so religious, they probably won't date outside their religion to begin with. Obviously my parents would prefer that I marry someone Jewish, as there is a common fear of the religion dying out after the holocaust (and I am the granddaughter of concentration camp survivors); however, they know that my tie to religion is through them and that element of it is strong. They would prefer me to be happy, and they really do like my boyfriend quite a bit, so it makes it easier. His parents and I get along extremely well and they also feel the same way. As we have been dating about a year and a half and we are in our thirties, marriage discussion is becoming more common. We are looking to have a both a wedding and a marriage/family that blends both religions and practices. I go to Church with his family on Christmas Eve and do the Christmas celebrations with him. He comes to Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashannah dinners at my house and will be attending his first Passover Seder this year. In fact, we joke that we never have to "choose" families to sl=plit holidays, as the holidays are different. My parents give him Christmas presents, and his parents give me Chanukah presents. When it comes to the wedding, he really wants to do the "chair thing" (the Hora) and we will certainly incorporate elements of both traditions. BTW, I am Conservative (not politically, but hat is my sect of Judaism), and it is just one step below Orthodox on the "observance" scale, but it is more about being more traditional in my judaism, rather than modern (ie no women rabbis, services in hebrew, etc). that won't change, but he will never be jewish and our children will be raised learning both religions. I hope that sheds a bit of insight!
Hund1976 Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 for now, how scared should I be of his parents strict requirement that he only date Jewish women? He says he completely disagrees with them on this, but they do think it's a "requirement." I guess it just depends how much he is controlled by his parents. As long as he's independant and does what he wants you'll be fine. And there is a good chance his parents would come around after a while.
alphamale Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Originally posted by Hund1976 And there is a good chance his parents would come around after a while. Yes HUND1976. Assuming you are dealing with fairly reasonable parents they will come around once any grandkids are born. Once the grandkiddies come along many of the differences get thrown out the window.
Debster Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 I have some jewish friends and they would always say that when a jewish man is dating a non-jew, he's just practicing. That all good jewish men will do as they are supposed to and marry a jewish girl. I'm not saying that covers ALL of them and I'm not saying that it is right or wrong, I'm just repeating what they said. I remember they used to call me something (that basically meant non-jewish girl) but I can't remember - I think it was shiksa? Anyways, if you think this is an issue, ask him. Then get to know his family - that way you'll see if there is truth behind the words. BTW, I dated three Jewish men. One would date non jews but would only consider marrying a jew. The other I don't think either him or his family would mind so much (except for his grandma!) as long as they liked the person and she treated her son well. The third would only date non-jews but had no desire to marry.
Debster Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Originally posted by Hund1976 And there is a good chance his parents would come around after a while. I've heard and seen examples of the opposite. I've met parents who believe it is 'preferable' to date only jews, but will put up with their son dating a non-jew but it is entirely a different situation if it turns serious. When children might be conceived, they will strongly push for either a jewish wife or someone willing to convert. The fact that they are strict about dating, shows that they believe there's no point in even sampling the forbidden fruit, so to speak.
Groovy Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Hi, I am from a very Christian background but grew up in a Boston neighborhood that was almost entirely Jewish, as well as the schools I attended. Many men I dated growing up were Jewish. My brother met a jewish women he really loved. Now, they have 2 kids and try to celebrate both holidays. Neither one attends a church or temple regularly. They had a Jewish wedding and it was a lot of fun. Man, I love jewish weddings...... (Sorry, got off track there)! I also have family friends where one parent was Jewish and one was Protestant. They have 5 children. They also celebrated both holidays and took each child to a temple and a church here and there. And when they got older the child could choose what they most identified with as to who they were. Of course they were 15 or so at that point. I really believe the most important thing is that we believe in something greater than ourselves and find a path that teaches us morals, which can be a temple or a church. It's not always about what specifics distinguish your religion. And like Girly Girl said these religions follow the same principles for the most part. I do believe some relgions like Muslims and Protestants should not get involved in prospects but here I would not worry too much! Best of luck to you!
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