DenverDude Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 I am really depressed right now. My girlfriend of almost 3 years just told me yesterday that she no longer wants to be with me. She confirmed this last night and has already started looking for apartments. I am so sad. Mainly because I triggered the breakup. I lied to her about something soooooooooooo stupid, and now I am going to regret that for a long long time. This was the second time I lied to her in 3 years, and she mentioned that trust was lost this time. I feel so lonely right now. I can't eat, I cant sit still, and I cant stop crying. I am a grown man, yet the tears are coming out like waterfalls. I've been down this road before, but this one sucks. She was such a great catch and I had plans on marrying her, but now she will be just like all of my other ex's...a distant memory. That kills me She was my best friend, and I let her down. I am struggling with accepting my actions. Will I ever be able to learn from this? How can I start healing when I am to blame.
preraph Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Well, if you did learn something from it, then at least it wasn't time wasted for you. If you want someone to love you for who you really are, you have to let her see who you really are and not lie about it. Hope you get over the hump soon. Have a good cry, but then get up and find things to stay busy so you don't dwell on it. Good luck.
Author DenverDude Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 Thanks for taking time to respond. I am regretting it so bad right now. It really wasn't the initial lie, it was me trying to cover it up for the whole night until I finally admitted to her that I lied to her. I have been crying non stop for the last few days. (She has been staying at her moms place)
Mi7522 Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Sorry to hear what you're going through but what was it that you lied about? That will be very telling on why the BU happened
Strength in Healing Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Thanks for taking time to respond. I am regretting it so bad right now. It really wasn't the initial lie, it was me trying to cover it up for the whole night until I finally admitted to her that I lied to her. I have been crying non stop for the last few days. (She has been staying at her moms place) Give details so that I may assess accurately. What was this lie, how did you cover it up, and what compelled you to admit it?
Author DenverDude Posted November 7, 2014 Author Posted November 7, 2014 Thanks everyone for responding. I will lay out both of the lies in our relationship. Lie #1 - a while ago I've always been a casual weed smoker and she never liked that. She is anti-weed but she tolerated my smoking. I wouldn't label myself a stoner. I just liked to smoke a little when I got home from a long day at the office - some people like their glass of wine, me, well I liked my hit of weed.. This was always a problem with her, so I decided to quit. I was doing SO good. I think I was at about the 3 month mark until I cracked. I had a TERRIBLE day at the office that day. It was one of those 'pull your hair out of your head' type of days where everything was going wrong. For whatever reason, I decided to come home a pack up a bowl. I knew she wasn't going to be coming home, so I decided to light it up. Well that backfired in a heart beat, as she practically walked in on me smoking.. I heard the door knock, and looked through the peep hole to see her outside of our apartment... I panicked. I literally panicked. She walked in, and immediately could smell it. Out of sheer stupidity, I lied and said that the neighbors above us (who smoke) had just came down and I let them smoke a little bit while we played guitar together. I continued to try to back myself out of that lie, but I just couldn't.. She could see right through that. She basically told me that if I didn't fess up, she was going to leave me.. So I admitted to her that i had smoked because I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown from work stuff that was on my mind.... She was obviously hurt and upset and was very distant for the next few days. I went over to her moms house and talked to her mom and her, and let them both know how sorry I was for my actions.. long story short.. we kissed and made up. Lie #2 - Last weekend We went to a haunted house with some friends, and then I took her out to dinner. After that, she wanted to go out for another drink, so we walked to a neighborhood bar. I told her I was pretty tired and already drunk, but I agreed to go out with her anyways because we were having a great night. She bought the first round of drinks and we were laughing and having a good time. As we finished our drinks, she looked at me and said ''you are buying the next round, right?" Me being tired and wanting to go home I said 'I dont have my wallet' - which I clearly did because the bounder ID'd us... She looked at me all confused and then patted me down, only to find my wallet. Now I know you are all saying 'well why the heck didnt you just tell her you were tired'... I DONT KNOW. The only way I can explain this to you guys is that I know if i said that, she would have got mad at me (because she bought the first round and probably expected me to buy her another one- that is just how she is).. I just didn't want to deal with the conflict. I covered up the lie for a while saying that I didn't have my phone (which I didn't) and I accidentally said 'I didn't have my wallet'.. The next morning she basically told me if I lied to her, and I admitted that I did. I told her that I was extremely tired and didn't want to be there, but I knew she was having fun so I lied saying that I didn't have my wallet so we could go home. So long story short my problem is not only my lies, but me covering them up. I am a pretty honest guy, so it kills me that I even did that. Not once, but twice. Deep down inside, I can't blame her for leaving me. Who wants to be with someone who would make up a lie about a silly thing like not having their wallet on them.. This one is going to sting for a while. I have learned a lesson the hard way.
usernameshere Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I think you should look into reading about co-dependency, as it sounds like you probably are. Not judging, as I struggle with co-dependent tendencies myself. But those two things should not have been big deals. You should be able to communicate small disagreements to your girlfriend without fear of total rejection (ie being tired and wanting to go home, you could have told her that and said you'd get it next time). To be honest it sounds like she must not put you first, as it sounds like you do her if she's willing to throw things away over that. There must be some other reason for the breakup that you don't know about. Also, she sounds very uncompromising anyways. Unless there's something we don't know about the story, ie. you've lost a bunch of jobs smoking pot or were freeloading, she should be understanding of you having differing opinions on minor things and being your own person in the relationship. If she wants honesty, that requires open communication. If she wants open communication, that entails hearing things you may not want to hear sometimes, gauging their severity, and determining how to work through them together. She needs to pick her battles.
Author DenverDude Posted November 7, 2014 Author Posted November 7, 2014 I know for a fact that I suffer from co dependency issues. Every breakup I have, I am always left feeling like I am the only person left walking on the planet. I think it stems from the fact that I am not really close with my family, so I get attached to my girlfriends really quick. It ****ing sucks. I wouldn't say she is uncompromising. She just hated me smoking, which I can understand, so that is why I quit. I am very successful in my career, so it has nothing to do with me losing jobs or being a free rider. I just got a text from her saying that she would be stopping by to measure some of her furniture. She must have already found a new place. This is all to real. I was hoping there would be a little ounce of something left in her to come back to me. I guess not This feeling sucks. I can't stay still guys. I am currently drinking a beer at a bar alone.
LifeNomad Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 (edited) Tell her the truth this time, that u only lied cuz u didnt want to piss her off. Tell her why u felt she would get pissed off etc etc u feel u cant be open for fear of her anger etc. And then promise to be truthful but only if she promises to ease up a bit and relax more. Basically lose the fear of pissing her off, be honest even if its gonna piss her off. What works really well is to say something like " i know ur gonna get mad....but...." Then say whatever....this works well because when u say it in advance they sometimes will not get mad only to disprove that they would get mad. If the love is there on both sides she will agree, i mean the lie wasnt that bad but its the principle to her. Good luck man Edited November 7, 2014 by LifeNomad
usernameshere Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Attachment issues definitely stem from past family relationships/issues. Think mine are for the same reasons more or less. Seriously though, if those things are what ultimately made the relationship crumble you're better off. You probably feel like it's the end of the world now. I know how that goes. But soon you'll at least logically realize that if she loved you those things wouldn't have been a big deal (there are far bigger things that arise for possible fights given time), though you'll still feel the same emotionally. And then some time after that hopefully you'll realize it emotionally too, and fully know it wasn't the right relationship for you. I would say try to work your own stuff out (without the distraction of a relationship) regarding dependency so that you're prepared for a optimally healthy relationship next time, but that's easier said than done. Therapy might help though. I don't mean that condescendingly either, it seems most people on this board could benefit. I know I have and could use more.
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