Husband or Lover?

[usernameshere]

I'd like to start off by saying I really need advice, or wisdom from someone who has been in a similar situation. I judge myself enough, so no need to rant there.

 

Background - My husband and I have been married for 5 years now, dated nearly two prior. I love him very much. We met when we were quite young and had a mutual group of friends. We still do have the same group of friends. I've always gotten along with and related easier to guys than girls, with one female best friend and one male best friend at a time. Over all of my long term relationships, I had never strayed, until this one. In fact, all of my prior boyfriends didn't feel the need to be very jealous because they saw me in social situations, and were happy with how "loyal" I am. So this particular situation has been hell to slog through and figure out.

 

My best male friend (aside from husband) has been my best friend for the last six years. Again, from same group. He's actually been the best friend I've had my whole life. We come from similar backgrounds, had similar issues growing up, and just seem to get each other. It's so comfortable, and yet never boring to be around him. There have been times where one or the other was busy and it'd be months we wouldn't hang out, but when we did we'd pick right back up and he'd come over regularly. My husband didn't care, as he trusts me. He was home for a good number of the times anyways.

 

Through most of my husband's and my issues, we haven't communicated well. I'm needier than he is. He's very confident and always happy. It was one of my favorite things about him, but it's proven hard to get him to work on problems with me over the years because well, he doesn't have a problem with things. So he can't understand why I'd have something wrong. We communicate completely different as well. I would get desperate, arguments would get bad and I'd flip out (I'm needier and much more emotional than he is) though there has never ever been abuse between us.

 

As any problem, even small, fell on deaf ears I began confiding in my best friend. It was very brother/sisterly for a long time. Actually, for how often we'd have private dinners and drank quite a lot together I am fairly proud that nothing happened for years. I could tell by the way he looked at me sometimes and his concern for my well being that he had feelings for me, and I started falling for him. But I tried as hard as I could to shove it down.

 

Being that he's been such a big component of my life for years and I didn't want to lose him, once I couldn't take the guilt anymore I admitted my feelings to him, and we tried putting stipulations on our friendship to make it work. To keep it at friends. No more drinking together to start. The feelings just got stronger. One night he finally told me he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to respect my marriage, so he was cutting off the friendship completely. We said our sad goodbye and nearly kissed, but I stopped it.

 

Over the next few months was the deepest depression I have ever had in my life. I couldn't get through half a day without breaking down in tears, and I felt hopeless. Over months it wouldn't get better. A few months later a close family member of his died, and he contacted me inviting my husband and I to the funeral, as we'd known him. By now, my husband knew about my feelings for him and the friendship being cut off. Again, he's so confident he took it in stride and didn't seem to think much of it. He had to work, so I attended the funeral by myself. I think he needed someone, so we started hanging out again on occasion (my husband knew) and it seemed like old times. I could almost shove everything down for the sake of not losing him again.

 

Of course, one day he realized he'd made a mistake thinking that would work again, and went back to saying we couldn't hang out or talk at all anymore. He wasn't mean about it. We exchanged lengthy emails for a couple days ironing out the why's. And he apologized for the back and forth. I finally broke and begged him to have a relationship with me someday. I said that I needed to finish school, but that my husband and I might be getting a divorce anyways (I hadn't told him this) because we couldn't seem to work things out ever. Mostly communication issues and different ways of handling problems (he sweeps them under the rug, I confront them).

 

He adamantly said that would never happen, that he couldn't do that. And we would never talk again. I get on antidepressants as I felt I had to. My husband knows we aren't talking again. I had mentioned divorce as a possibility now and then over the previous year, but he'd never want to talk about it and would brush it off.

 

A group party happens and my friend tells me he needs to talk to me after. Everyone leaves, and he says he's realized that we've been too close for too long, that anyone else would be second to me, and that once he figures some career stuff out and I get done with school we might be able to be together. I know he wasn't just seeking sex, as he doesn't want to disrespect anything unless I was divorced and we were actually together. We did end up kissing.

 

I got home, broke down and told my husband all that, and it snowballed into divorce. Over the next few days he actually started coming around and saying he wanted to go to counseling (always ignored that before) and we were getting along better than ever. Though again, it's only been a few days.

 

Now I'm feeling really conflicted - when the time comes for a decision, do I leave for my friend is prone to depression/anxiety as I am? I honestly feel like we have had a special bond for years and that I'd never get over him. Or do I stay with my husband, who is always stable even if we're different, but who I also love? I honestly love my friend in a way that feels deeper, but I really fear if anything happened to him and I, I would regret having thrown a reasonably good marriage away for him.

 

ADVICE PLEASE!

Edited November 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

I think you should separate from your husband and BE on your own. BE alone and think who it is you actually are in love with and who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Staying married with one foot out the door, being confused as to which man it is you want is messing everybody up.

 

Being on your own means taking that time to stay away from your H and the friend. No dating or making out with either of them. Gives you a chance to really think and not be influenced by either man.

 

It's so unhealthy to leave a marriage 'for' someone else, especially in your situation.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Why are you not in IC?

 

You admit that you have issues with communication, depression, anxiety, neediness and being emotional. It is exhausting to have a life partner that is in constant crisis...usually of their own doing. So it is understandable why your husband tries to shut it down and not feed it.

 

Until you address your own internal issues, coping mechanisms, and peace...the pattern will repeat....not just with your husband...with future partners as well.

 

People all too often foist their problems onto their partner and expect them to fix it for them. It doesn't work that way.

[usernameshere]

AlwaysGrowing - I have gone to therapy twice over a couple years, am on an antidepressant, exercise regularly etc to keep myself in check. I do have issues, but I address them as best I can thank you. As I'd said, my husband was avoiding counseling whenever I proposed it (though yes, I imagine having someone more emotional than you would get tiring) and he finally said he might be willing to do counseling as all this blew up.

Edited November 6, 2014 by usernameshere

[Mr. Lucky]

You're bringing a high school "does he like me?" mentality to an adult relationship. Others have pointed you to counseling, it would help you understand why, rather than address problems directly, you've chosen to act in an inappropriate manner. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited November 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed corrected version of OP's first post, thanks Mr Lucky

[Friskyone4u]

You need to stay away from your boyfriend until hornwort this out because now that you husband is not in the dark about this once you have sex with him your choice be decided: now, if your husband is still not getting it and is fine with this relationship, then he deserves what he gets

If I was you husband I would not sit there and play the pick me game with you. The two of you should either decide to work on your marriage together without a third party involved, or you should split and divorce

You are trying to cake eat and play both of them along but it will end for you when you become sexually involved and you will if it stays like it is.

[merrmeade]

You need to stay away from your boyfriend until hornwort this out because now that you husband is not in the dark about this once you have sex with him your choice be decided: now, if your husband is still not getting it and is fine with this relationship, then he deserves what he gets

If I was you husband I would not sit there and play the pick me game with you. The two of you should either decide to work on your marriage together without a third party involved, or you should split and divorce

You are trying to cake eat and play both of them along but it will end for you when you become sexually involved and you will if it stays like it is.

That about says it for me but want to add two things.

 

First, it was right not to act on your feelings, but I think your husband should have gotten worried sooner. Obviously, the "last kiss" was a selfish, foolhardy indulgence - which I'm sure you know now. Ignoring the basic mores is easier when the mind's under the control of the gonads. Prevention is easier. I keep wanting to put down in writing what my parents instilled so clearly - not to be a finger wagger - just to see it in writing. It seems so easy to me. Probably to your husband, too. That's why we got hurt:

1. If men and women have feelings for each other, sexual urges usually follow (unless they're just not attracted).
   
2. Married couple's intimacy grows more intense and their love matures, bringing them fulfillment and deep happiness over time. For this reason, married people protect and nurture their relationships and keep them exclusive.
   
3. They monitor their thoughts, feelings and behavior and avoid circumstances and behavior that might foster feelings/urges in and for a third person, i.e. -
   - spending time alone, especially when there's stress or sorrow in life.
   - going to places where they'll be alone, especially behind closed doors.

Edited November 7, 2014 by merrmeade

[MJ052]

hey there!! I'm sorry to bother you in this post. I honestly read it and don't know what to tell you it seems like you have a very tough decision to make. I have not been in this situation before but I do think that you are very confused about what you feel for your husband. From what I could read it seems more admiration than love and the other guy is just making it worst. You wont be able to enjoy your marriage until the other dude gets out of the picture. That's my humble opinion. Now the reason why I posted this is because I've read other posts from you and it seems that you have a very honest and mature opinion about similar situations. Would you bother take a look into my only thread and give me an opinion? Thank you!

[TrustedthenBusted]

my advice is to read this, and pretend you found it on your husband's computer. Ask yourself how it makes you feel.

 

 

I'd like to start off by saying I really need advice, or wisdom from someone who has been in a similar situation. I judge myself enough, so no need to rant there.

 

Background - My wife and I have been married for 5 years now, dated nearly two prior. I love her very much. We met when we were quite young and had a mutual group of friends. We still do have the same group of friends. I've always gotten along with and related easier to ladies than dudes, with one male best friend and one female best friend at a time. Over all of my long term relationships, I had never strayed, until this one. In fact, all of my prior girlfriends didn't feel the need to be very jealous because they saw me in social situations, and were happy with how "loyal" I am. So this particular situation has been hell to slog through and figure out.

 

My best female friend (aside from wife) has been my best friend for the last six years. Again, from same group. She’s actually been the best friend I've had my whole life. We come from similar backgrounds, had similar issues growing up, and just seem to get each other. It's so comfortable, and yet never boring to be around her. There have been times where one or the other was busy and it'd be months we wouldn't hang out, but when we did we'd pick right back up and he'd come over regularly. My wife didn't care, as she trusts me. He was home for a good number of the times anyways.

 

Through most of my wife's and my issues, we haven't communicated well. I’m not as neede as she is. I’m very confident and always happy. It was one of my favorite things about myself, but it's proven hard to get her to work on her problems with me over the years because well, I doesn't have a problem with things. So she can't understand why I have difficulty understanding her admitted neurosis. We communicate completely different as well. I would remain calm and rational (I'm much less emotional than she is) though there has never ever been abuse between us.

 

As her problems, even small, began to pile up and seem unceasing, I began confiding in my best friend. It was very brother/sisterly for a long time. Actually, for how often we'd have private dinners and drank quite a lot together I am fairly proud that nothing happened for years. I could tell by the way she looked at me sometimes and her concern for my well being that she had feelings for me, and I started falling for her. But I tried as hard as I could to shove it down.

 

Being that she's been such a big component of my life for years and I didn't want to lose her, once I couldn't take the guilt anymore I admitted my feelings to her, and we tried putting stipulations on our friendship to make it work. To keep it at friends. No more drinking together to start. The feelings just got stronger. One night he finally told me he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to respect my marriage, so he was cutting off the friendship completely. We said our sad goodbye and nearly kissed, but I stopped it. I hid all of this from my wife.

 

A few months later a close family member of his died, and she contacted me inviting my wife and I to the funeral, as we'd known her. By now, my wife knew about my feelings for her and the friendship being cut off. Again, she's not so confident so she had difficulty with it put far too much thought into it. sHe had to work, so I attended the funeral by myself. I think she needed someone, so we started hanging out again on occasion (my wife knew) and it seemed like old times. I could almost shove everything down for the sake of not losing her again.

 

Of course, one day she realized she'd made a mistake thinking that would work again, and went back to saying we couldn't hang out or talk at all anymore. She wasn't mean about it. We exchanged lengthy emails for a couple days ironing out the why's. And she apologized for the back and forth. I finally broke and begged her to have a relationship with me someday. I said that I needed to finish school, but that my wife and I might be getting a divorce anyways (I hadn't told her this) because we couldn't seem to work things out ever. Mostly communication issues and different ways of handling problems (She confronts everything, while I tend to not sweat the little things).

 

She adamantly said that would never happen, that she couldn't do that. And we would never talk again. My wife gets on antidepressants which I find difficult to bear. My wife knows we aren't talking again. I had mentioned divorce as a possibility now and then over the previous year, but she'd never want to talk about it or would flip out over the prospect.

 

A group party happens and my friend tells me she needs to talk to me after. Everyone leaves, and she says she's realized that we've been too close for too long, that anyone else would be second to me, and that once she figures some career stuff out and I get done with school we might be able to be together. I know she wasn't just seeking sex, as she doesn't want to disrespect anything unless I was divorced and we were actually together. We did end up kissing.

 

Now I'm feeling really conflicted - when the time comes for a decision, do I leave for my friend who is as prone to depression/anxiety as my wife is? I honestly feel like we have had a special bond for years and that I'd never get over her. Or do I stay with my wife, who is also unstable even if we're different, but who I also love? I honestly love my friend in a way that feels deeper, but I really fear if anything happened to her and I, I would regret having thrown a reasonably good marriage away for her.

 

ADVICE PLEASE!

[usernameshere]

I came to this site (I'm new here) for actual advice, not presumptions. I am a ****bag for this, I understand. But people assuming things, like my husband finding my getting on antidepressants "unbearable" as the last poster said...Are not true at all and not for you to assume. He was quite happy with it and saw a huge change in my ability to handle stress. More so than I've ever had. But thank you for further stigmatizing mental hardship. I'm not playing a victim, my problems are my problems and mine to take responsibility for. But saying things like this is not helpful. People jump to burn the straying party at the stake by assuming they know all the details of the person's life and assuming they are just a waste of life in every possible aspect. Further, why are posters such as this on the "infidelity" board if all they are doing is slamming people for an ego boost?

 

Thank you to those of you who provided constructive criticism instead of assumptions.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I came to this site (I'm new here) for actual advice, not presumptions. I am a ****bag for this, I understand. But people assuming things, like my husband finding my getting on antidepressants "unbearable" as the last poster said...Are not true at all and not for you to assume. He was quite happy with it and saw a huge change in my ability to handle stress. More so than I've ever had. But thank you for further stigmatizing mental hardship. I'm not playing a victim, my problems are my problems and mine to take responsibility for. But saying things like this is not helpful. People jump to burn the straying party at the stake by assuming they know all the details of the person's life and assuming they are just a waste of life in every possible aspect. Further, why are posters such as this on the "infidelity" board if all they are doing is slamming people for an ego boost?

 

Thank you to those of you who provided constructive criticism instead of assumptions.

 

You missed the entire point, choosing instead to play the victim, as you've done throughout.

 

Sure, I made some assumptions, but the point of it was to ask yourself how YOU would feel if the situation was reversed, and you found some not-so-flattering things written about yourself by your husband.

 

Clearly my tiny tidbit struck a nerve. And that is nothing compared to what your husband would feel if he read your original post.

 

You ARE getting support here. But a lot of support comes in the form of harsh reality, something we all need to contend with eventually.

[usernameshere]

I understand and appreciate that, my husband does know all of this though. There has been one lapse in the middle in communication, as I believe I wrote. Again, I am not saying any of this is excusable.

But again with the assuming. Everything is on the table.

[TrustedthenBusted]

So your husband knows that you are struggling to decide between him and another man, and he is waiting around for your decision?

[JustJoe]

Ok, here is my advice, (but you're probably not going to like it). You should let go of your husband. You have never been completely committed to him, and really don't love him as a husband. You have always had your "friend" in your back pocket, sort of like a pacifier, to "whip out" and talk to, when things go bad. I wonder who you will use, if you and your "friend" get together? Sorry, but you really need to mature, a lot, before you enter into another relationship. Be on your own, learn about you, and don't use other people.

[harrybrown]

If your "friend" will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

 

Give your H his freedom to find someone new. He does need someone that will not cheat on him.

 

Maybe it will work out with the new guy, but you have killed it with your H.

 

He will have pain from this for years. Can you put yourself in his shoes and see how you have hurt him? Think about your H for a moment and not about your own happiness. Would you be happy if your H cheated on you and would you take him back?

 

You have really hurt him. Can you imagine the pain for years about what cheating does to the self-esteem of your spouse?

[Clay]

If your caught up over another man while your married then clearly you need to not be married. I am not trying to be mean but do you not see this as a sign that you should not be married. How fair is this to your H that your keeping him waiting while your deciding which guy you like more. Should that not have been done before the marriage. Its so unfair to do to someone.

 

You deserve to be happy to but if it is at the expense of your H feelings then you shouldn't be with him. He might not be the best H but he is only with you. What your doing is so horrible and will scar him for a lifetime. Leave him and let him find someone that will love only him.

 

Its best you take time out to figure out whats all going on with you. You allowed yourself to be in this horrible position in the first place and hurt people.

If you don't want to be alone go be with the other guy.

 

Your husband deserves better.

[GorillaTheater]

A husband or wife should NEVER have to compete with another person for their spouse. If it's come to that point, then my default position is to always advise picking the other person and setting their spouse free.

 

Your husband sounds like a good guy who has his act together. He'll hurt for a while, then go on to have a good life with a good woman. Set him free to do it.

[merrmeade]

Agreed. Husband will get over it because he did nothing wrong. That's all that matters.

[usernameshere]

Thank you all for your advice. You all have valid points, and I should probably take time to be alone and figure my issues out before possibly delving into something else.

 

I want to reiterate that I never claimed all of this wasn't ****ty of me. Further, I still don't appreciate people personally ripping my life apart. I believe making a marriage work requires both people's efforts, and while I certainly have done the VAST MAJORITY of the damage, they aren't generally ruined by one. But rather, chipped away in various ways by both parties.

 

My husband has always watched porn constantly, no matter how much sex we've had (even local escort sites, though there's supposedly been no cheating and he's a very up-front person), and I have always been available to meet his needs where that is concerned. There have been issues with WoW and other video game "addictions," at the expense of barely being able to grab his attention at home until recently. Though he is truly a good, and wonderful person. And no, I know someone will jump down my throat saying that I caused this - but this was even during dating, prior to all this. We married young and I naively assumed we would grow up together. As many people do. We also have communication issues, as well as different needs. I did my best to meet his, truly. I tried to be the ideal wife- willing to meet emotional needs, cook, clean, etc. He never seemed to need to talk beyond niceties much though, so I often felt out of the loop about his work life or thoughts. I just didn't think this information was pertinent, as it does not in any way excuse this situation in any way.

 

He did his best by always being if anything, OVERLY patient and understanding of my shortcomings. And I him. I'd also initiated all dates. Again, he knew about the bulk of this throughout until the recent blow up (when he knew all) and never seemed concerned or jealous in previous times, which I always found odd. He is an extremely confident person. That is, he didn't care about it until the topic of divorce came up. Now he is open to counseling (and I had asked for a year+ about that), but neither of us are 100%, which is addressed below.

 

So your husband knows that you are struggling to decide between him and another man, and he is waiting around for your decision?

Yes, he does know about the struggle with this decision actually. I didn't lie when I said this has been an honest issue. I am in the middle of a schooling program right now and we live far away from family. So even though I'd offered to go with my family while we figured all this out, he insists I stay until I finish that up. HE said he ignored my needs for years, that I have otherwise been very good to him, and that he wants us both to be in a better position in the future, whether we work things out or not. And so school and living together remains. I am so grateful to him for that and have told him as much, as I don't think I'd have the ability to be as understanding. In the meantime I am no contact with my friend (who again, I've never had sex with) and my husband and I are getting along great lately. He had actually asked if we could put all this on pause and just enjoy things as they are now, re-addressing the issue as school progresses.

 

I do love them. Hence the conflict. I do realize that this has all been wildly unfair to my husband, what it would do to me were the tables turned, what it has done to him, how immature it sounds, and the fact that all things considered perhaps he would be better off. Hence my question.

 

I appreciate all of your honesty and have been awful. Didn't claim to not be. But again, everyone's situation and circumstances are different.

 

I suppose someone will snarkily ask why I even asked a question then. I suppose I was hoping to hear someone who had experienced something similar, and how they handled things...as well as the fallout that ensued. Not that any of the consequences are hard to imagine. My question posted after this one (which I know some of you have seen) was something I wished I'd added to this one, though by then I was unable to edit the question.

Edited November 7, 2014 by usernameshere

[elaine567]

This is a mess and it truly isn't fair on either man for you to choose one over the other, and I do not really think you are in any fit state to do the choosing dispassionately either.

 

There are many considerations here, the communication issues with your husband and the depression of your "friend", as well as your own depression.

 

As for your husband - "He never seemed to need to talk beyond niceties much though" and his video and porn addiction, as well as he barely is able to give you any attention, just doesn't sound a good situation.

 

BUT that doesn't mean you have to cling onto the friend, as I believe you are in a vulnerable place and that is never a good place to be in, if you have to make any big decisions.

It may be a case of out of the frying pan into the fire.

 

Personally, as you have no children, I would suggest cutting yourself off from both men, and deal with your own issues.

Get yourself well and stable, and then see exactly how the whole situation looks.

I think, once you are seeing things clearer, you will may well give both the big swerve.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Really there is no way for anyone to answer your question as none of us no either of these men. The only information we have are the couple of paragraphs that you typed and obviously it is way to difficult to capture the complexity of any relationship in a couple of paragraphs.

 

However, I can tell you that it is always best to end one relationship, before you start another relationship. So reconcile or divorce with your husband, before moving on to OM.

[bubble77]

Dear OP, I feel for you. I came here too yesterday for advice and it can be really hard to hear what people say. I expected it, as did you, but IMO there is no real need for people to say that what you're doing is bad/awful/despicable etc, like as if you haven't already thought that? If you're anything like me you've likely agonised over all of this enough, so that's not what I'm here for at all.

 

One comment that really helped me yesterday was a commenter, who among other things, asked me if this is really what life is all about, and whether I really want to live like this. Of course, the answer is no, the pain just isn't worth it.

 

I agree with a couple of other posters here who say that perhaps you should not be married. ..it just sounds like you really don't want to be?

 

I hope you work it out then that way the pain can be minimised all round (that's what I'm working on right now!). X