ascendotum Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Lots of women are fine doing FWB/F-buddy which is not too disimlar to me and many don't consider that settling, especially if they are with a guy better than they could get for a LTR. I'd say that's the case for quite a few affairs. It depends on the objective of the woman. Of course lots of women enter into affairs hoping to snag the guy. Lots of women enter in FWB because they are in love with the guy and hope he might fall for them over time if they treat him great.
cocorico Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 My question to everyone who has or had affairs with someone who is married, why? Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who will never be able to give you all of themselves? Why settle for bits and pieces? Is your self esteem so low that you think that's all you deserve? I'm not passing judgement, I just really want to know why. I never "had to settle for bits and pieces", and he has given me "all of himself" - both during the A and since. Just because a man has a vestigial M and is linked via a piece of paper to a woman, does not mean he does not put you first or make himself fully available to you. 1
Got it Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I agree. Absolutes just don't work. So never isn't exactly true. I didn't feel I was settling for bits and pieces and I have a life with him. We were both married so I didn't feel like there was a "power" difference (though I am always shocked by the sexist view points here where there is a difference with men and women). 1
Lady2163 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 But you still email with him & flirt with him..... And there's NO EXCUSE to sleep with a married man. Absolutely none whatsoever. Why are you trying to make what you did less awful than it is? The guy getting a divorce or being separated are the right things to do before cheating on his wife. And you knowingly knew he was married & slept with him. Like I said there's absolutely no excuse whatsoever. And with that logic, you'd be willing to cheat on your own boyfriend if things weren't to your liking instead of breaking up with him first. So like I said you have a character flaw in terms of relationships. The original post asked why we are willing to settle. I didn't settle. It was what was convenient at the time. I'm not offering an excuse, I'm giving my reasons. You don't like my reasons and can't accept them. You pass judgment. I think there are far worse things than having an affair or being the Other. I'm sure Gary Ridgeway's, Dennis Rader's and "Clark Rockefeller's" wives all dearly wish their husbands had just had affairs. Yes, I still talk, email and flirt because he is my friend. The flirting is PG rated, that does exist you know. You can't possibly understand my situation. I care for an ailing parent. I am stuck in a small town, far from everything. I did a statistical analysis with the 2010 census. In the end, there are less than 100 single men in my town in my age range. Start subtracting those that are a different religion or something else that is important to me and the dating pool gets very small. The good single man you think is so easy to find, isn't. You get a snapshot of me online,,where I discuss my biggest fault semi-freely. You don't get the whole picture. I'm incredibly loyal to friends and boyfriends. I don't need or want to cheat when I'm in a relationship. 1
Lady2163 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 And, I think it's a huge character flaw for all the women out there "playing house" with men - which makes it harder for us single women to find a man to commit because women are busy giving all the benefits of marriage w/o the actual ring and "piece of paper". I also think it's a character flaw for women to have children out of wedlock - especially in shack up situation. Throw away your life if you want to, but to drag kids into it is selfish and destructive if you ask me. Talk bad about me and Lady2163 all you want - but there's bigger amount of people with "character flaws" that are being treated like what they're doing is "modern", "progressive" etc. and it is causing damage to children, relationships, and the family unit. OH, and unlike "affairs" they do it in the light of day - not the dark. While I get what you're saying about playing house, there's something even worse that destroys it for single women. Years ago I went to college at night, it was geared toward working adults. I had the same classes for probably 18 months straight with a man. He was working 8-5, Monday thru Friday and going to school 6-10 Monday thru Thrusday. On Saturdays his girlfriend came over to his apartment, cleaned it, did his laundry, cooked supper and a couple of extra meals for during the week all while he watched whatever game on TV. Sometimes, if it was an afternoon game, he'd invite his friends over and she would fix snacks. After supper and after the kitchen was cleaned up by her, they would have sex. Then she would go home. That was the extent of his relationship. When I graduated, they had been together for 2 years and he had no plans to marry her. She did his grocery shopping for him and often ran errands as well. This came out over time. In the last month of class, I finally put all the bits and pieces together and asked him, "You're just messing with me, right?". He wasn't. It was confirmed by a friend of mine who knew the girlfriend. I can't and won't compete with that. I have my own place to clean, my own errands to run. I'd want sex more than 3 times a month. She honestly thought he would marry her and he saw no reason to. He was perfectly happy.
Got it Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 While I get what you're saying about playing house, there's something even worse that destroys it for single women. Years ago I went to college at night, it was geared toward working adults. I had the same classes for probably 18 months straight with a man. He was working 8-5, Monday thru Friday and going to school 6-10 Monday thru Thrusday. On Saturdays his girlfriend came over to his apartment, cleaned it, did his laundry, cooked supper and a couple of extra meals for during the week all while he watched whatever game on TV. Sometimes, if it was an afternoon game, he'd invite his friends over and she would fix snacks. After supper and after the kitchen was cleaned up by her, they would have sex. Then she would go home. That was the extent of his relationship. When I graduated, they had been together for 2 years and he had no plans to marry her. She did his grocery shopping for him and often ran errands as well. This came out over time. In the last month of class, I finally put all the bits and pieces together and asked him, "You're just messing with me, right?". He wasn't. It was confirmed by a friend of mine who knew the girlfriend. I can't and won't compete with that. I have my own place to clean, my own errands to run. I'd want sex more than 3 times a month. She honestly thought he would marry her and he saw no reason to. He was perfectly happy. Oh good lord, really? Was she wanting to be his girlfriend or his mother?
Lady2163 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Oh good lord, really? Was she wanting to be his girlfriend or his mother? If I hadn't had the confirmation from an honest-to-goodness trusted friend, I never would have believed it. She was convinced once he finished with school he was going to marry her. She felt she was making herself indispensable in his life. He never even hinted at marriage. He took vacations with his buddies, not her. It was just nuts. I wish I knew how it ended. He felt he was being generous spending time with her (?) when he should have been doing homework. This was not a guy you would think could be that kind of jerk.
NJ123 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 The original post asked why we are willing to settle. I didn't settle. It was what was convenient at the time. I'm not offering an excuse, I'm giving my reasons. You don't like my reasons and can't accept them. You pass judgment. I think there are far worse things than having an affair or being the Other. I'm sure Gary Ridgeway's, Dennis Rader's and "Clark Rockefeller's" wives all dearly wish their husbands had just had affairs. Yes, I still talk, email and flirt because he is my friend. The flirting is PG rated, that does exist you know. You can't possibly understand my situation. I care for an ailing parent. I am stuck in a small town, far from everything. I did a statistical analysis with the 2010 census. In the end, there are less than 100 single men in my town in my age range. Start subtracting those that are a different religion or something else that is important to me and the dating pool gets very small. The good single man you think is so easy to find, isn't. You get a snapshot of me online,,where I discuss my biggest fault semi-freely. You don't get the whole picture. I'm incredibly loyal to friends and boyfriends. I don't need or want to cheat when I'm in a relationship. First of all, you shouldn't be talking to this married guy at all anymore after having an affair with him. It's just wrong to do so. You can't be friends with someone like that after sleeping with them for so long. At least respect his wife, but I guess your going to obviously say you don't owe her anything. I don't see how you don't view that behavior as cold. And if your willing to hide your affairs with married men from a future boyfriend, doesn't that show low class behavior? It would mean you know deep down that behavior is frowned upon, but you seem to make excuses for it in every post you make. Honestly answer this, how would you feel if your hypothetical boyfriend was cheating behind your back, and you didn't find out for a few years? I mean you say sleeping with a married man was "convenient" at the time, but how about if it was "convenient" for your boyfriend to sleep with someone else. How would that make you feel? Doubt you'd be saying it was "convenient". You'd kick his ass to the curb. There's just absolutely no excuse for doing what you did. But every single post you make you come up with excuses. Why can't you just flat out admit what you did was wrong & what your still doing is wrong?
Lady2163 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 First of all, you shouldn't be talking to this married guy at all anymore after having an affair with him. It's just wrong to do so. You can't be friends with someone like that after sleeping with them for so long. At least respect his wife, but I guess your going to obviously say you don't owe her anything. I don't see how you don't view that behavior as cold. And if your willing to hide your affairs with married men from a future boyfriend, doesn't that show low class behavior? It would mean you know deep down that behavior is frowned upon, but you seem to make excuses for it in every post you make. Honestly answer this, how would you feel if your hypothetical boyfriend was cheating behind your back, and you didn't find out for a few years? I mean you say sleeping with a married man was "convenient" at the time, but how about if it was "convenient" for your boyfriend to sleep with someone else. How would that make you feel? Doubt you'd be saying it was "convenient". You'd kick his ass to the curb. There's just absolutely no excuse for doing what you did. But every single post you make you come up with excuses. Why can't you just flat out admit what you did was wrong & what your still doing is wrong? Simply put, I don't agree with you. That's my reason, which you will call an excuse. As for future hypothetical boyfriend? I don't know. Monogamy is a conversation to be had. If he were in the military and stationed away for x number of months, would both of us want to review if we should be monogamous? If I were injured and unable to perform sexually for however long, would I expect him to remain faithful? I just don't know. Why would it be convenient? You may not understand this, but on some level I doubt I will have a long term boyfriend relationship for more than two years ever again. If after one year of regular daily contact, he doesn't love me enough to commit to something more permanent, it ain't never gonna happen.
NJ123 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Simply put, I don't agree with you. That's my reason, which you will call an excuse. As for future hypothetical boyfriend? I don't know. Monogamy is a conversation to be had. If he were in the military and stationed away for x number of months, would both of us want to review if we should be monogamous? If I were injured and unable to perform sexually for however long, would I expect him to remain faithful? I just don't know. Why would it be convenient? You may not understand this, but on some level I doubt I will have a long term boyfriend relationship for more than two years ever again. If after one year of regular daily contact, he doesn't love me enough to commit to something more permanent, it ain't never gonna happen. Well, I honestly feel bad for you that you have such a morbid view about these things. Your going to live a very lonely life into older age with this mindset you have unless you start to change.
Lady2163 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Well, I honestly feel bad for you that you have such a morbid view about these things. Your going to live a very lonely life into older age with this mindset you have unless you start to change. Well, I know pretty much know nothing about you, but I feel sorry for married people with kids, who are going through that grind. My biological clock never ticked. Yes, absolutely, I'd love to find the man of my dreams and I'd treat him like a prince....as long as I was treated the way I wanted to be! :-). Until then, I have a good core group of friends male and female. I have family. I have hobbies and a job I dearly love, but is pretty time-consuming. Money can't buy happiness? I'm one of the few that would argue it does a pretty decent job.
NJ123 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Well, I know pretty much know nothing about you, but I feel sorry for married people with kids, who are going through that grind. My biological clock never ticked. Yes, absolutely, I'd love to find the man of my dreams and I'd treat him like a prince....as long as I was treated the way I wanted to be! :-). Until then, I have a good core group of friends male and female. I have family. I have hobbies and a job I dearly love, but is pretty time-consuming. Money can't buy happiness? I'm one of the few that would argue it does a pretty decent job. What are you saying, that a married couple with kids can't be happy? Or did you mean married people with kids that are going through difficult times? Well, than what's stopping you from trying to find that guy? Not every guy is going to be a cheater or is a bad guy. I'm sure if you tried hard enough you could find a good guy that would treat you good. But you'd need to change your mindset about relationships or else you probably won't have a healthy one.
NJ123 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 NJ, it's posts like these that prove something that I've been saying all along... Women don't want to admit it, but they love married men. They just absolutely love em. People settle for what they can get, but what they want, for the majority of women, is pretty obvious. I definitely agree that a lot of women love married men because if that taken guy wants them, it makes them feel extra special to grab a hold of them. But in the long run all that's going to happen is being in pain & loneliness when they find out the married guy rather stay with his wife than be with the other woman which is the case most of the time it seems. 1
Tayken Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I don't....I still maintain that I won't date anyone with stinky cats or dogs. No amount of tea from China can make me change my mind on this. Why would I, for the sake of "getting some"? No way...not that desperate. I have earlier on in the year outdone my quota of "getting some" for the year, and for early next year 1
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