Why do you settle? [Updated]

[gettingoverit719]

My question to everyone who has or had affairs with someone who is married, why? Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who will never be able to give you all of themselves? Why settle for bits and pieces? Is your self esteem so low that you think that's all you deserve? I'm not passing judgement, I just really want to know why.

[Lady2163]

Speaking for myself only...I was in a long distance friendship with a married man.

 

He lived in a place I get to several times a year on business.

 

I didn't have to share my money, my free time engaged in his hobbies. I never had to see a movie I didn't want to see, deal with in-laws, wash his dirty underwear, etc. I never had to really try because it was never going to materialize into anything more. I still got to be my own person and during the stressful times in my life he was still a good friend.

 

I've had a lot of bad luck dating. I rarely get past the third or fourth date. They usually want money, they usually are flat broke and don't understand why. They ditch planned events with me for unplanned unnessecary things with their children. It is a lot harder in this age to make a true connection with someone. Maybe I'm too eager, but the online thing is a bust for me. If imcantnget someome to meet me in the next week to ten days after the initial emails and phone call because they are too busy, I know it will never happen. I'm an independent consultant with already established contacts, I don't meet a lot of people through work or hobbies.

 

Holidays aren't fun for me for reasons I won't go into. It never bothered me that I spent holidays alone. MM and I still exchanged gifts and a couple of times we spent birthdays together. By and large, I prefer to travel alone and do things on my timetable.

 

MM was smart, funny, easy to talk to, we had shared interests, worked in the same field. And the sex was absolutely AMAZING. I still prefer to call it a friendship rather than a relationship. We are still friends, talk or,email often. Still flirt with each other. I only,gomtomhis city 1-2 a year and I don't tell him unless it comes up.

[jellybean89]

 

I've had a lot of bad luck dating. I rarely get past the third or fourth date. They usually want money, they usually are flat broke and don't understand why. They ditch planned events with me for unplanned unnessecary things with their children.

 

??? You are blaming children for the fact that you can't get past 3-4 dates with a guy??? You are pissed cause a man chose to attend his kids events vs going on a 4th date with you? It's evident you don't have kids. Amazes me you think so poorly of a man, a divorced dad, who opts to spend time with his kids, on un-scheduled time. I think it is fantastic a guy puts his relationship with his kids above dating some woman he barely knows. Men normally get the short end of the stick with custody so those dads that seek out or are offered additional time and take it deserve credit/kudos vs the men who chose to not take advantage of those opportunities

[Lady2163]

??? You are blaming children for the fact that you can't get past 3-4 dates with a guy??? You are pissed cause a man chose to attend his kids events vs going on a 4th date with you? It's evident you don't have kids. Amazes me you think so poorly of a man, a divorced dad, who opts to spend time with his kids, on un-scheduled time. I think it is fantastic a guy puts his relationship with his kids above dating some woman he barely knows. Men normally get the short end of the stick with custody so those dads that seek out or are offered additional time and take it deserve credit/kudos vs the men who chose to not take advantage of those opportunities

 

You misunderstood. This was a boyfriend, who was supposed to do something with me at a specific time and had to happen at that specific time. It had been planned for weeks. Hours before he was going to be there, then when the time arrived he wasn't there. No answer to his cell phone for hours. When he did call, there was no emergency, no game or child event. His ex did not call at the last minute, it was not his custody day. Four year old Daughter wanted something materialistic and he decided to spend that day going to three malls with her. The thing with the daughter could have been done the next day, all of their schedules were clear. He just didn't want to do the planned event with me, even though he agreed to it weeks before. I was out $200 when he cancelled.

 

Sheesh, always assume the worst?

[descend]

My question to everyone who has or had affairs with someone who is married, why? Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who will never be able to give you all of themselves? Why settle for bits and pieces? Is your self esteem so low that you think that's all you deserve? I'm not passing judgement, I just really want to know why.

 

 

I didn't intend to settle for bits and pieces as I was led on to believe things would have worked out differently. Thankfully, this was a short term thing for me, but nonetheless extremely painful. I think why I went down the road had a lot to do with self esteem issues.

[gettingoverit719]

So Lady2163, so your saying you could only find this type of relationship with a married man? Did it not bother you that you could ruin another person's life? I honestly just don't get it! I couldn't be that kind of person.

[Gloria25]

So Lady2163, so your saying you could only find this type of relationship with a married man? Did it not bother you that you could ruin another person's life? I honestly just don't get it! I couldn't be that kind of person.

 

How is it ruining someone else's life if you let them stay with their wife and/or kids?

 

I've gotten involved with married and/or taken men. It worked out for me because I usually am a busy woman, have issues with trust/commitment, and like keeping my men at a distance.

 

I didn't "interfere" with their woman and/or kids. Why? I got better things to do.

[Mister Zen]

How is it ruining someone else's life if you let them stay with their wife and/or kids?

 

I've gotten involved with married and/or taken men. It worked out for me because I usually am a busy woman, have issues with trust/commitment, and like keeping my men at a distance.

 

I didn't "interfere" with their woman and/or kids. Why? I got better things to do.

 

You might be the female version of me.

 

I've gotten involved with a lot of women who already had boyfriends. Oddly enough I was more comfortable in those relationships because I had my space and didn't have to deal with them 24/7. Part of me also enjoyed the challenge of competing with the man they are already with. But I never wanted them to dump the guy because then I would have to deal with them 24/7 and lose some freedom.

 

On top of that I don't trust women for s**t. Plus, I'm kind of a jerk and any woman who would cheat on their partner with me is kind of a jerk too. You attract what you are.

[Lady2163]

So Lady2163, so your saying you could only find this type of relationship with a married man? Did it not bother you that you could ruin another person's life? I honestly just don't get it! I couldn't be that kind of person.

 

Oh, no I think I could be perfectly happy with a single man in a relationship....if I could find him. I'm pretty isolated.

 

On the other hand, the reason I ended things is because I didn't want him to lose everything because of me. I don't want to be the cause of losing his job, his reputation, his comfortable middle class life, the love of his children etc.

 

Talk to me after you've spent 15 years either alone or in lousy relationships or had 100 bad dates. It's only in the last couple of years that I've raised my standards and not settled for a man who is a jerk.

[Gloria25]

You might be the female version of me.

 

I've gotten involved with a lot of women who already had boyfriends. Oddly enough I was more comfortable in those relationships because I had my space and didn't have to deal with them 24/7. Part of me also enjoyed the challenge of competing with the man they are already with. But I never wanted them to dump the guy because then I would have to deal with them 24/7 and lose some freedom.

 

On top of that I don't trust women for s**t. Plus, I'm kind of a jerk and any woman who would cheat on their partner with me is kind of a jerk too. You attract what you are.

 

Lol...I agree with some of your points - except, I'm not in competition with some other woman. If I'm seeing her man, it's cuz I want him, doesn't have to do with me competing with some female.

 

And, no, I don't consider myself a jerk. I also don't go for taken guys that are dogs (well, to the best of my knowledge they aren't woof, woof)...

[NJ123]

How is it ruining someone else's life if you let them stay with their wife and/or kids?

 

I've gotten involved with married and/or taken men. It worked out for me because I usually am a busy woman, have issues with trust/commitment, and like keeping my men at a distance.

 

I didn't "interfere" with their woman and/or kids. Why? I got better things to do.

 

I just don't understand why you would specifically go for married/taken men though. Why not go for a single guy looking for casual sex? If all you want is sex, you can just get that easily through OLD. So what's the reason for specifically wanting married men/guys in relationships?

 

How will you ever have a healthy relationship with doing those type of things? If your eventual boyfriend happened to ask about the type of people you've dated in the past, your just going to flat out lie to him? Than that relationship would already be based on a lie. Would you care if some woman slept with your man even if she didn't "interfere" with you? The behavior your displaying just seems extremely cold. And you don't seem to even feel bad about it at all which kinda scares me.

Edited November 7, 2014 by NJ123

[Gloria25]

I just don't understand why you would specifically go for married/taken men though. Why not go for a single guy looking for casual sex? If all you want is sex, you can just get that easily through OLD. So what's the reason for specifically wanting married men/guys in relationships?

 

How will you ever have a healthy relationship with doing those type of things? If your eventual boyfriend happened to ask about the type of people you've dated in the past, your just going to flat out lie to him? Than that relationship would already be based on a lie. Would you care if some woman slept with your man even if she didn't "interfere" with you? The behavior your displaying just seems extremely cold. And you don't seem to even feel bad about it at all which kinda scares me.

 

I'm not specifically looking for or dating taken men.

 

When I date single guys, I also have casual RLs. Some people can only handle a certain type of intimacy.

 

Over the years I've learned to realize where it came from (growing up in a broken home). So, maybe I can go to therapy and deal with it? No thanks. The "quality" of males (mind you, I did not say "men") out there reinforces my fear to put my heart, finances, etc. in someone I can't rely on. No thanks, I'll keep on doing what I'm doing.

[NJ123]

I'm not specifically looking for or dating taken men.

 

When I date single guys, I also have casual RLs. Some people can only handle a certain type of intimacy.

 

Over the years I've learned to realize where it came from (growing up in a broken home). So, maybe I can go to therapy and deal with it? No thanks. The "quality" of males (mind you, I did not say "men") out there reinforces my fear to put my heart, finances, etc. in someone I can't rely on. No thanks, I'll keep on doing what I'm doing.

 

Seems your going to be alone as you get older with that mindset. Why don't you want to change & try to find a good guy? I'm just confused why you want to cheat on every guy your with & also sleep with married men.

 

Let me ask you, if you happened to get with a really great single guy that really likes you & you get along with him really well, you'd still be willing to cheat on him?

[Gloria25]

Seems your going to be alone as you get older with that mindset. Why don't you want to change & try to find a good guy? I'm just confused why you want to cheat on every guy your with & also sleep with married men.

 

Let me ask you, if you happened to get with a really great single guy that really likes you & you get along with him really well, you'd still be willing to cheat on him?

 

I don't cheat on the men I am seeing. Even if it's a casual thing, I'm with one guy.

 

Quite frankly, in the casual RLs I've been in (with or without involved guys) it's usually them that end up sleeping with other people - or "cheating" if you call it that.

 

As for being "alone" when I get older. Well, how many married people end up "alone" if divorced or widowed?

 

As for "trying" to step out of the casual thing? Yes, I've tried - and after dealing with the BS, I just don't care to waste my time.

 

When I meet guys on OLD, I let them know that I'm 'looking for something casual, but won't turn down something serious if the opportunity presents itself'....Now, that' doesn't mean I want the whole "kids and white picket fence". I already made up my mind about kids years ago. I had to fight the doctors who did not want to perform a partial hysterectomy on me a few years ago. They claimed that I'd still want kids. Well, years have passed and I haven't changed. Also, I have my own stuff, so what can a guy give me besides himself that I already don't have?

Edited November 7, 2014 by Gloria25

[eye of the storm]

I didn't set out to date a MM. After my ExH left me I was asked out by a lot of men. All married and all giving me the same line. (bad marriage, doesn't understand him, blah blah blah) Then my MM was honest, he is married, not planning on changing it, but likes to dabble in stuff his wife isn't willing to do. I still don't know why I went, anger, curiosity, revenge, self hatred...could have been any none or all. But we have been together for over 4 years. He supports me when I try new things, goes after me when I try to quit on myself, makes me laugh, tells me how beautiful I am to him. He both pushes me to be better and supports me when I'm trying.

 

I was pretty broken when we got together. I am a calmer more confident person now than I was during my entire marriage.

 

Would I date another MM? No. But I also currently don't have plans on stopping dating this one.

[NJ123]

I don't cheat on the men I am seeing. Even if it's a casual thing, I'm with one guy.

 

Quite frankly, in the casual RLs I've been in (with or without involved guys) it's usually them that end up sleeping with other people - or "cheating" if you call it that.

 

As for being "alone" when I get older. Well, how many married people end up "alone" if divorced or widowed?

 

Well, it's obvious your choosing all the wrong type of guys if most of them cheat. It seems that's why you have that mindset of not caring about sleeping with involved men, because it keeps happening to you, so you say **** it I might as well sleep with whoever I want myself. It's just not healthy to do that.

[Gloria25]

Well, it's obvious your choosing all the wrong type of guys if most of them cheat. It seems that's why you have that mindset of not caring about sleeping with involved men, because it keeps happening to you, so you say **** it I might as well sleep with whoever I want myself. It's just not healthy to do that.

 

Well, I guess they wouldn't consider it "cheating" cuz as you can see from the threads on FWB situations, when a guy is done, he's done. The only thing is I gather they don't feel they have to tell you when they meet someone else cuz you're not in a committed thing with them.

 

Someone posted about Alan Rickman being with is "partner" for wow, like over 20 years. I don't get why I can't find someone that can just "be" with me w/o expecting kids, who will not be intimidated or feel unnecessary cuz of my independence, and who isn't into hanging with me until they get bored or wanna chase more/different tail.

 

Will a man want to marry me knowing our "married" life would be what I described above? I don't know, but if he would, I'd still be worried about sharing my finances with someone - who in this day/age would be entitled to alimony and/or a division of property if we divorce. Now, there are some ways you can be ultimately declared "common law" husband/wife...but I don't believe in shacking up, so don't think I'd have to worry about that either.

[Lady2163]

I know you're asking these questions of Gloria, but I wanted to answer as well.

 

 

I don't target married men. I'm reasonably intelligent, up on current affairs, well-spoken, exuberant in the bedroom, a decent cook, financially well off, no drama in my life and I have zero luck with OLD. Last time I sent out over 1000 emails in six months and not one bite. I'm only average looking, and I photograph worse than average. OLD is very appearance driven. My profile was amazing, I had some professional help writing it.

 

As for a future boyfriend and full disclosure? Nope, not a chance. I don't discuss much about my past relationships and I don't ask a whole lot about theirs. I don't think I've ever had a boyfriend or date ask me If I've ever sept with a married man. My sex life is not what defines me.

[NJ123]

Well, I guess they wouldn't consider it "cheating" cuz as you can see from the threads on FWB situations, when a guy is done, he's done. The only thing is I gather they don't feel they have to tell you when they meet someone else cuz you're not in a committed thing with them.

 

Someone posted about Alan Rickman being with is "partner" for wow, like over 20 years. I don't get why I can't find someone that can just "be" with me w/o expecting kids, who will not be intimidated or feel unnecessary cuz of my independence, and who isn't into hanging with me until they get bored or wanna chase more/different tail.

 

Will a man want to marry me knowing our "married" life would be what I described above? I don't know, but if he would, I'd still be worried about sharing my finances with someone - who in this day/age would be entitled to alimony and/or a division of property if we divorce. Now, there are some ways you can be ultimately declared "common law" husband/wife...but I don't believe in shacking up, so don't think I'd have to worry about that either.

 

Well I'm sure you can find a guy who doesn't want to be married & have no kids. It's just going to be hard to find a guy that fits that criteria. And you have to try to find a way to start trusting people. Seems you don't believe any guy can stay faithful.

[Lady2163]

 

Will a man want to marry me knowing our "married" life would be what I described above? I don't know, but if he would, I'd still be worried about sharing my finances with someone - who in this day/age would be entitled to alimony and/or a division of property if we divorce. Now, there are some ways you can be ultimately declared "common law" husband/wife...but I don't believe in shacking up, so don't think I'd have to worry about that either.

 

I pretty much mirror Gloria in that I will not be having children and I've made enough money to live a bit better than comfortable for the rest of my life. I'm very gunshy from the past about sharing my finances. I've worked hard and very long hours to get where I am. I am selfish that I don't want to share my house, I'm not interested in supporting step kids or having them boomerang into the house.

[NJ123]

I know you're asking these questions of Gloria, but I wanted to answer as well.

 

 

I don't target married men. I'm reasonably intelligent, up on current affairs, well-spoken, exuberant in the bedroom, a decent cook, financially well off, no drama in my life and I have zero luck with OLD. Last time I sent out over 1000 emails in six months and not one bite. I'm only average looking, and I photograph worse than average. OLD is very appearance driven. My profile was amazing, I had some professional help writing it.

 

As for a future boyfriend and full disclosure? Nope, not a chance. I don't discuss much about my past relationships and I don't ask a whole lot about theirs. I don't think I've ever had a boyfriend or date ask me If I've ever sept with a married man. My sex life is not what defines me.

 

Well, I hate to say it but it certainly shows a huge flaw in character for you to be willing to sleep with married men & having no problem at all about it. It doesn't define you as a whole person, but it could define whether you could ever have a healthy relationship with someone or not.

[Lady2163]

Well, I hate to say it but it certainly shows a huge flaw in character for you to be willing to sleep with married men & having no problem at all about it. It doesn't define you as a whole person, but it could define whether you could ever have a healthy relationship with someone or not.

 

That's your judgmental opinion. Obviously, since we aren't together anymore and I ended it for his benefit, I did have a problem with it.

 

But that's not what you want to hear. You think I am somehow flawed because I was willing to knowlimgky have sex with a married man. Well, this is one of those cases where he really was/is not being treated right in the marriage. If a spouse intentionally neglects the other one, there could be consequences. Sometimes it is divorce, sometimes it an affair.

[Gloria25]

Well, I hate to say it but it certainly shows a huge flaw in character for you to be willing to sleep with married men & having no problem at all about it. It doesn't define you as a whole person, but it could define whether you could ever have a healthy relationship with someone or not.

 

And, I think it's a huge character flaw for all the women out there "playing house" with men - which makes it harder for us single women to find a man to commit because women are busy giving all the benefits of marriage w/o the actual ring and "piece of paper".

 

I also think it's a character flaw for women to have children out of wedlock - especially in shack up situation. Throw away your life if you want to, but to drag kids into it is selfish and destructive if you ask me.

 

Talk bad about me and Lady2163 all you want - but there's bigger amount of people with "character flaws" that are being treated like what they're doing is "modern", "progressive" etc. and it is causing damage to children, relationships, and the family unit. OH, and unlike "affairs" they do it in the light of day - not the dark.

[NJ123]

That's your judgmental opinion. Obviously, since we aren't together anymore and I ended it for his benefit, I did have a problem with it.

 

But that's not what you want to hear. You think I am somehow flawed because I was willing to knowlimgky have sex with a married man. Well, this is one of those cases where he really was/is not being treated right in the marriage. If a spouse intentionally neglects the other one, there could be consequences. Sometimes it is divorce, sometimes it an affair.

 

But you still email with him & flirt with him.....

 

And there's NO EXCUSE to sleep with a married man. Absolutely none whatsoever. Why are you trying to make what you did less awful than it is? The guy getting a divorce or being separated are the right things to do before cheating on his wife. And you knowingly knew he was married & slept with him. Like I said there's absolutely no excuse whatsoever. And with that logic, you'd be willing to cheat on your own boyfriend if things weren't to your liking instead of breaking up with him first. So like I said you have a character flaw in terms of relationships.

[NJ123]

And, I think it's a huge character flaw for all the women out there "playing house" with men - which makes it harder for us single women to find a man to commit because women are busy giving all the benefits of marriage w/o the actual ring and "piece of paper".

 

I also think it's a character flaw for women to have children out of wedlock - especially in shack up situation. Throw away your life if you want to, but to drag kids into it is selfish and destructive if you ask me.

 

Talk bad about me and Lady2163 all you want - but there's bigger amount of people with "character flaws" that are being treated like what they're doing is "modern", "progressive" etc. and it is causing damage to children, relationships, and the family unit. OH, and unlike "affairs" they do it in the light of day - not the dark.

 

But none of those things specifically have to do with your own situation. You can change your behavior & possibly find a good guy you can have a relationship with. Why wouldn't you want that? I'm positive it would happen if you tried to. Don't you want to have a healthy relationship with someone where there's no cheating involved. To be with someone that actually cares about you. Not every guy is a cheater.