Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 All my life I’ve had this understanding that people leave. Not necessarily that they will leave but that they can and in fact sometimes do. Because of this I tend to take losing someone in stride. Don’t get me wrong, I understand grief and the pain of breaking up and unrequited love and all that but I’ve never experienced any sort of extended period of mourning. I may feel sad and even angry for a brief while but ultimately, I’m just sort of like “Well, whatever it’s over, time to move on”. A very close 10+ year friendship ends? I mourn no more than had they been someone I’d barely known a year. A boyfriend cheats on me? After maybe three days of being sad and perhaps a week of being mad it’s like, “Welp, whatever f*k him”. And that’s it. No hoping for breadcrumbs, no drunk texts, etc. Sometimes I hear people talking about pining for a lost love or still reeling from a breakup many months or even years later and how much they miss their ex I think “Well just stop doing that,” though I know it’s certainly not that easy. Part of me is glad that I can apparently bounce back relatively unscathed because the idea of going through some elongated period of agonizing hurt and pain is both terrifying and unfathomable. However another part of me worries that: I’m not fully dealing with these things when they happen and thus one day some sort of invisible dam will break and I’ll be flooded with all these emotions and crippling grief.I’m emotionally detached, don’t really connect with people or can't really experience love.
dclan Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 All my life I’ve had this understanding that people leave. Not necessarily that they will leave but that they can and in fact sometimes do. Because of this I tend to take losing someone in stride. Don’t get me wrong, I understand grief and the pain of breaking up and unrequited love and all that but I’ve never experienced any sort of extended period of mourning. I may feel sad and even angry for a brief while but ultimately, I’m just sort of like “Well, whatever it’s over, time to move on”. A very close 10+ year friendship ends? I mourn no more than had they been someone I’d barely known a year. A boyfriend cheats on me? After maybe three days of being sad and perhaps a week of being mad it’s like, “Welp, whatever f*k him”. And that’s it. No hoping for breadcrumbs, no drunk texts, etc. Sometimes I hear people talking about pining for a lost love or still reeling from a breakup many months or even years later and how much they miss their ex I think “Well just stop doing that,” though I know it’s certainly not that easy. Part of me is glad that I can apparently bounce back relatively unscathed because the idea of going through some elongated period of agonizing hurt and pain is both terrifying and unfathomable. However another part of me worries that: I’m not fully dealing with these things when they happen and thus one day some sort of invisible dam will break and I’ll be flooded with all these emotions and crippling grief.I’m emotionally detached, don’t really connect with people or can't really experience love. I suppose it has to do with the fact that you can understand what exactly your feelings are for this person, and if you know that you can replace them. People that suffer for years and years, is because they never find something that is equal or better than what they had. I'm not saying they won't find it, because a relationship just as good as the one you had is right out there. The problem is that, its hard to find one. Example: Guy you love breaks up with you. He is funny, handsome, has money, there is a lot of intellectual chemistry, and the sex is great. He eventually breaks up with you after 2 years. So this guy has sort of set the bar really high. Most people willl eventually find another person that has some of the qualities your ex had. But lets be serious, how many people will be: handsome + funny + rich + intellectual chemistry + great sex? People will usually find, lets say: a) handsome + rich b) great sex + funny c) rich + intellectual chemistry So in the end they will never feel "fulfilled". *this example is obviously describing the perfect man, which is not real, but u get the point A very close friend of mine, she dated a man, who according to her was: smart, handsome, funny and great at bed. She never found someone who had all those 4 atributes. So far, its been 6 years since that relationship and she still misses him. The point is, many times you meet someone and everything seems to click. And then, its hard to find someone else with whom things seem to click exactly the same.
beach Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 I think your mindset looks healthy. I spent 60K with an amazing trauma counselor to get to the point of approaching things/experiencing things the way you describe. Consider yourself lucky! It's called "healthy balance" and some people never achieve it. 1
OwMyEyeball Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Does music affect your mood? Do you find your heartstrings tugged on when watching dramatic films or TV shows? Or while reading novels? (High quality ones) Are you easily provoked into laughter when the moment suits? Do you feel that laughter coming from a genuine sense of mirth? Do you feel a sense of warmth, joy and love when surrounded with those you would consider your closest friends and family members? Do you enjoy a sense of awe and wonder when you come across momentous natural settings (mountains, vast landscapes, sunsets, sunrises, etc.)? At any given moment when you are not busily undertaking a task - when you are at rest - how is your mood? Is it calm and peaceful, perhaps with a tinge of longing for some company? Or is it agitated - bored, irritable, unfocused or anxious? These are the questions I ask myself when gauging where my mind is at. Emotional detachment offers escape from the torments of life's more painful feelings, but in the bargain I lose out on all the joys of soulful connection when I retreat behind my walls. Life is tolerable and at time quite enjoyable, though the ways of achieving that state require pursuit of sensual pleasure and egoic satisfaction. That has been my experience. If at most moments, when the turbulence from a jarring life event has passed, you can ask yourself "Am I happy?" and the answer is anything but a resounding "Yes!" then you may want to re-examine the true cost of the coping mechanism. Personally I'm trying to break down those walls and reconnect with my soul and the bounty of joy it brings. Whenever I see the lovelorn and broken hearted lamenting away for years on end I don't feel much concern since their issue is much the same as mine - poor coping skills. As always, YMMV and to each their own and all that jazz.
Jet Lag Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Sometimes I hear people talking about pining for a lost love or still reeling from a breakup many months or even years later and how much they miss their ex I think “Well just stop doing that,” though I know it’s certainly not that easy. . I'm 47 and this is the first break up I have had where I am reeling. My20+ relationship broke up and I may have cried a few times...and even that I think was because I felt bad for my kids as much as me. Whereas this time, I cry every day. I miss him so much. I long for his company, his touch. I hope you just have really good coping skills...or maybe you haven't been in a relationship where you believe the person is your soul mate. 1
Jet Lag Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Guy you love breaks up with you. He is funny, handsome, has money, there is a lot of intellectual chemistry, and the sex is great. He eventually breaks up with you after 2 years. So this guy has sort of set the bar really high. Most people willl eventually find another person that has some of the qualities your ex had. But lets be serious, how many people will be: handsome + funny + rich + intellectual chemistry + great sex? People will usually find, lets say: a) handsome + rich b) great sex + funny c) rich + intellectual chemistry So in the end they will never feel "fulfilled".[/i] *this example is obviously describing the perfect man, which is not real, but u get the point A very close friend of mine, she dated a man, who according to her was: smart, handsome, funny and great at bed. She never found someone who had all those 4 atributes. So far, its been 6 years since that relationship and she still misses him. The point is, many times you meet someone and everything seems to click. And then, its hard to find someone else with whom things seem to click exactly the same. I can see myself being your friend. I have never been with someone I just loved spending time with. I was comforted by just by being near him. I found him so beautiful looking. Our emotional and physical intimacy were so strong. How does someone else come even close to matching up?
IfiKnewThen Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 youre lucky or havent fell hard enuff yet for someone who ditched u. or have been in control of most situations ..maybe have great family support. or...are emotional detached. there are actually people who have a physiological disorder of having no empathy genes in their body. but that sounds different from this. what brings you to LS?
somedude81 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 A very close 10+ year friendship ends? I mourn no more than had they been someone I’d barely known a year. A boyfriend cheats on me? After maybe three days of being sad and perhaps a week of being mad it’s like, “Welp, whatever f*k him”. And that’s it. No hoping for breadcrumbs, no drunk texts, etc. Sometimes I hear people talking about pining for a lost love or still reeling from a breakup many months or even years later and how much they miss their ex I think “Well just stop doing that,” though I know it’s certainly not that easy. Part of me is glad that I can apparently bounce back relatively unscathed because the idea of going through some elongated period of agonizing hurt and pain is both terrifying and unfathomable. However another part of me worries that: I’m not fully dealing with these things when they happen and thus one day some sort of invisible dam will break and I’ll be flooded with all these emotions and crippling grief.I’m emotionally detached, don’t really connect with people or can't really experience love. Well I'm jealous. After almost a year I'm still pining after my ex and I haven't even seen her since the day she dumped me. I would love to have your mindset. To me, the fact that you do mourn the loss is prove that you do make attachments and care. So you aren't emotionally detached. You just don't get excessively attached. You also sound like your fairly rational, which is also a good thing. 1
Elias33 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Whether you are detached, or are really good at coping, it is a good choice to start this self-examination. Because I don't think any one of us can answer that for you. It is of course for all of us the ultimate goal, to experience love as fully and abundantly as we can. I find myself on the other side of the spectrum. I do feel I experience and enjoy love as fully as I can, but when things go wrong, I am truly hard broken. So maybe that has something to do with how emotionally open we are, but even more so, to express it. Good luck. 1
Author Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 8, 2014 Author Posted November 8, 2014 I'm 47 and this is the first break up I have had where I am reeling. My20+ relationship broke up and I may have cried a few times...and even that I think was because I felt bad for my kids as much as me. Whereas this time, I cry every day. I miss him so much. I long for his company, his touch. This is the fear I have lingering in the back of my mind. I don't want to wind up in a break-up situation one day years from now and find myself emotionally eviscerated. I hope you just have really good coping skills...or maybe you haven't been in a relationship where you believe the person is your soul mate. I'm hoping it's the former. In fact I'm more inclined to say it's most likely the former since the lack of....grief I guess has been consistent across all relationsips I've ever had of any kind. Romantic or otherwise.
Author Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 8, 2014 Author Posted November 8, 2014 (edited) Well I'm jealous. After almost a year I'm still pining after my ex and I haven't even seen her since the day she dumped me. I would love to have your mindset. To me, the fact that you do mourn the loss is prove that you do make attachments and care. So you aren't emotionally detached. You just don't get excessively attached. I'd like to think it was a good mindset to have as well. It's actually helped me recover from a lot of things many people seem overwhelmed by. I think you're right about the excessive attachment thing though. I really don't. Whether you are detached, or are really good at coping, it is a good choice to start this self-examination. Because I don't think any one of us can answer that for you. It is of course for all of us the ultimate goal, to experience love as fully and abundantly as we can. I do and have experienced love - a variety of kinds - and I believe I've done so fully as anyone can/has but I seem to make a habit of detaching quickly when it ends. I have no idea what that means in terms of how "abundantly" I felt whatever love I had, however. I think my main point in even asking this question to assess whether I was A) an anomaly and B) not as emotionally mature/developed as I assumed. I didn't think anyone would be able to give me an out and out answer but I did hope to get some perspective in terms of how other people say this kind of thinking. Or rather, what it looked like from the outside. Edited November 8, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra 1
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