shakepig Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 (edited) I need some advice here. How long does it take for a guy to cool down after a fight? I've been in a relationship with this guy for roughly 2 months. Things are generally good but there seems no honeymoon period. we had a rocky Halloween weekend and had some small arguments. On sunday, we got into a stupid fight right after sex ( me saying he is being lazy in bed for skipping foreplay, he brought other stuff up saying i'm being selfish, childish and inconsiderate for asking too much from him.) anyway, I was at fault. He got super mad in the moment of heat and asked me to 'get the **** out of here'. he insisted even after I tried to apologize. He said he needed some alone time to think and cool down. and he would talk to me later. Then, no communication in any form since the sunday. I understand he needs some time and space to process. I respect that. I wonder if I should reach out to him or wait for him to be ready to talk. I still feel hurt about the hurtful things he said during the fight too. I don't know if I should apologize again...I still don't want to break up. feeling like this is silence treatment.. any thoughts? Edited November 6, 2014 by shakepig
Augman Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 I need some advice here. How long does it take for a guy to cool down after a fight? I've been in a relationship with this guy for roughly 2 months. Things are generally good but there seems no honeymoon period. we had a rocky Halloween weekend and had some small arguments. On sunday, we got into a stupid fight right after sex ( me saying he is being lazy in bed for skipping foreplay, he brought other stuff up saying i'm being selfish, childish and inconsiderate for asking too much from him.) anyway, I was at fault. He got super mad in the moment of heat and asked me to 'get the **** out of here'. he insisted even after I tried to apologize. He said he needed some alone time to think and cool down. and he would talk to me later. Then, no communication in any form since the sunday. I understand he needs some time and space to process. I respect that. I wonder if I should reach out to him or wait for him to be ready to talk. I still feel hurt about the hurtful things he said during the fight too. I don't know if I should apologize again...I still don't want to break up. any thoughts? Take what i say with a grain of salt, but there is definitely no magic number to when he'll come around. Complaints about any man's performance in bed hurts badly, you could have approached that much better... Having said that, he also sounds like he has a temper issue. Me personally (as a guy), I would very much like it if you reached out at this point, but again, that's just me. Hope all goes well!
clia Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 He hasn't talked to you in four days? Let him go. Your relationship is too new for all of this fighting. 11
Author shakepig Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 He hasn't talked to you in four days? Let him go. Your relationship is too new for all of this fighting. we don't text much normally. we live nearby so texting is just for making plans and stuff. yeah, it has been 4 days. isn't it too quick to let someone go? just over a fight?
preraph Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Give him space. If someone says they need to cool down, let them cool down. If he lets it go a long time, then you two will have to talk about that, but four days is nothing. Give him time to think things through.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 2 months in and he's telling you to, " get the $K out of here?" Do you both normally talk to each other with that level of disrespect during arguments? RED FLAG I need some advice here. How long does it take for a guy to cool down after a fight? I've been in a relationship with this guy for roughly 2 months. Things are generally good but there seems no honeymoon period. we had a rocky Halloween weekend and had some small arguments. On sunday, we got into a stupid fight right after sex ( me saying he is being lazy in bed for skipping foreplay, he brought other stuff up saying i'm being selfish, childish and inconsiderate for asking too much from him.) anyway, I was at fault. He got super mad in the moment of heat and asked me to 'get the **** out of here'. he insisted even after I tried to apologize. He said he needed some alone time to think and cool down. and he would talk to me later. Then, no communication in any form since the sunday. I understand he needs some time and space to process. I respect that. I wonder if I should reach out to him or wait for him to be ready to talk. I still feel hurt about the hurtful things he said during the fight too. I don't know if I should apologize again...I still don't want to break up. feeling like this is silence treatment.. any thoughts? 5
Augman Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 He hasn't talked to you in four days? Let him go. Your relationship is too new for all of this fighting. At least have a little faith... The beginning of a relationship is when a lot of new things are learned/introduced, and emotions are flaring. A relationship isn't about giving up and moving on after a sign of weakness. It's a commitment to get through whatever issues you may have. HOWEVER, I agree with seekingpeaceinlove when that kind of talk is very disrespectful. yellow flag at least... When things cool down, talk to him about that and tell him that hurt you.. unless you do the same to him, in which case you both need to reevaluate.
Author shakepig Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 Take what i say with a grain of salt, but there is definitely no magic number to when he'll come around. Complaints about any man's performance in bed hurts badly, you could have approached that much better... Having said that, he also sounds like he has a temper issue. Me personally (as a guy), I would very much like it if you reached out at this point, but again, that's just me. Hope all goes well! yeah. i shouldn't have done that. he is a guy with a big ego. I hurt his feelings certainly. I am thinking to text him something like: ' i'm sorry, babe. I regret the fights. I shouldn't have said hurtful things to hurt ur feelings.' gosh, i don't want to over apologize either. so weak....any thoughts?
jack20 Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 So you've been seeing each other for 2 months and there was no honeymoon period? Sounds like it's been a rocky 2 months. There is no way to tell how long it takes for a "guy" to cool down as guys are all different, just like women. No communication at all for 4 days isn't good. You have given him space for a few days so you should just reach out to him if you want to continue talking to him. Sounds to me like you both short fuses and react without thinking (Saying he's lazy in bed for skipping foreplay instead of talking about it and telling him what you like. In other words, saying the same thing but gracefully telling him instead. Him bringing up stuff in the past that has no relation to the comment just to start a fight.) I don't know any other details about your relationship but for someone to just yell and say get the F*** out of here without conversation to discuss things rationally doesn't sound like someone I would want a relationship with, just saying. If you want to keep that going and you don't want to let it go, then reach out. 1
Augman Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 yeah. i shouldn't have done that. he is a guy with a big ego. I hurt his feelings certainly. I am thinking to text him something like: ' i'm sorry, babe. I regret the fights. I shouldn't have said hurtful things to hurt ur feelings.' gosh, i don't want to over apologize either. so weak....any thoughts? Honestly, that sounds like a good thing to say. and to me, I feel relationships are about feeling vulnerable anyways... IF you feel it was your bad, apologize and mean it. That text sounds perfectly reasonable to me. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 On sunday, we got into a stupid fight right after sex ( me saying he is being lazy in bed for skipping foreplay, he brought other stuff up saying i'm being selfish, childish and inconsiderate for asking too much from him.) anyway, I was at fault. He got super mad in the moment of heat and asked me to 'get the **** out of here'. he insisted even after I tried to apologize. You didn't approach the issue properly. You should not have accused his love making style as "lazy". You should have given constructive criticism, while conveying your needs and desires calmly. So his reaction is justifiable, but also wrong. In addition, he did not need to throw you out. Obviously the challenge you guys have is communication. Both of you have to practice it properly. You can wait for him to contact you again, or just reach out to him via a phone call (don't do text) and talk a little bit. Better yet, agree to meet in person and talk it out.
Keenly Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 He sounds like he was pretty offended that you called him lazy right after sex. That's hardly the best time or way to approach that subject. Just like handling a confrontation through avoidance is not a very good way to resolve it.
Author shakepig Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 Give him space. If someone says they need to cool down, let them cool down. If he lets it go a long time, then you two will have to talk about that, but four days is nothing. Give him time to think things through. I would give it like a week. he would have time to think things through over this weekend, deciding if he still wants it or not. since i'm not contacting him, will he take the wrong message that i don't care about him?
Augman Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 You didn't approach the issue properly. You should not have accused his love making style as "lazy". You should have given constructive criticism, while conveying your needs and desires calmly. So his reaction is justifiable, but also wrong. In addition, he did not need to throw you out. Obviously the challenge you guys have is communication. Both of you have to practice it properly. You can wait for him to contact you again, or just reach out to him via a phone call (don't do text) and talk a little bit. Better yet, agree to meet in person and talk it out. So you've been seeing each other for 2 months and there was no honeymoon period? Sounds like it's been a rocky 2 months. There is no way to tell how long it takes for a "guy" to cool down as guys are all different, just like women. No communication at all for 4 days isn't good. You have given him space for a few days so you should just reach out to him if you want to continue talking to him. Sounds to me like you both short fuses and react without thinking (Saying he's lazy in bed for skipping foreplay instead of talking about it and telling him what you like. In other words, saying the same thing but gracefully telling him instead. Him bringing up stuff in the past that has no relation to the comment just to start a fight.) I don't know any other details about your relationship but for someone to just yell and say get the F*** out of here without conversation to discuss things rationally doesn't sound like someone I would want a relationship with, just saying. If you want to keep that going and you don't want to let it go, then reach out. ^^ both of these, fantastic advise. Communication is HUGE. and you both seem to lack it.
Zahara Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 yeah. i shouldn't have done that. he is a guy with a big ego. I hurt his feelings certainly. I am thinking to text him something like: ' i'm sorry, babe. I regret the fights. I shouldn't have said hurtful things to hurt ur feelings.' gosh, i don't want to over apologize either. so weak....any thoughts? Stop wanting to apologize. There is a difference between apologizing and grovelling. You already apologized and he asked for space. Give it to him. Although 4 days is way too much space. I have a feeling he's not very invested. A person that is invested would be mindful of letting too much time and silence go by for fear of losing or causing much more damage. Seems like he couldn't care less or most likely is inflicting the silent treatment to teach you to never do it again. And if someone tells you to get the F out, trust it to be a red flag that you need to pay very close attention to. 3
Author shakepig Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 2 months in and he's telling you to, " get the $K out of here?" Do you both normally talk to each other with that level of disrespect during arguments? RED FLAG no. we have never throw F word on each other before. yeah. i see it as yellow flag too. I was at fault in that fight so i guess i have to forgive him for once. if it's happening again for no good reason, i'm out. he was so mad as if i cheated on him.. gosh.
Author shakepig Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 At least have a little faith... The beginning of a relationship is when a lot of new things are learned/introduced, and emotions are flaring. A relationship isn't about giving up and moving on after a sign of weakness. It's a commitment to get through whatever issues you may have. HOWEVER, I agree with seekingpeaceinlove when that kind of talk is very disrespectful. yellow flag at least... When things cool down, talk to him about that and tell him that hurt you.. unless you do the same to him, in which case you both need to reevaluate. i didn't curse on him for once..
BluEyeL Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 If someone had told me "get the **** out of here" after 2 months of dating, I would be out of there and NEVER speak to him again. In fact, I'd NEVER tolerate such language from a man. Have respect for yourself and move on. Plus, he's slefish in bed. Blah! 9
Author shakepig Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 Stop wanting to apologize. There is a difference between apologizing and grovelling. You already apologized and he asked for space. Give it to him. Although 4 days is way too much space. I have a feeling he's not very invested. A person that is invested would be mindful of letting too much time and silence go by for fear of losing or causing much more damage. Seems like he couldn't care less or most likely is inflicting the silent treatment to teach you to never do it again. And if someone tells you to get the F out, trust it to be a red flag that you need to pay very close attention to. we didn't have that feeling-crazy stage. guess he is not into me that much in the first place. he could say things like 'getting the **** out of here' he is not afraid to lose me at all.
Fondue Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Insulting his sexual performance? That's like murdering his dog. You just punched him where it hurts the most. I'm not surprised by the 4 days. To you ladies, it might not be a "big deal," to a man it is. If you must discuss sexual performance, do it in a constructive and reasonable way. Calling someone "lazy" right after the fact is the worst way to approach the subject. Your relationship is likely completely doomed. That, or it will forever be rocky and end anyway. He's going to be resentful. Maybe even not want to have sex with you as much anymore. It will get weird and awkward until the relationship just dies out.
Author shakepig Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 Insulting his sexual performance? That's like murdering his dog. You just punched him where it hurts the most. I'm not surprised by the 4 days. To you ladies, it might not be a "big deal," to a man it is. If you must discuss sexual performance, do it in a constructive and reasonable way. Calling someone "lazy" right after the fact is the worst way to approach the subject. Your relationship is likely completely doomed. That, or it will forever be rocky and end anyway. He's going to be resentful. Maybe even not want to have sex with you as much anymore. It will get weird and awkward until the relationship just dies out. ouch.. i was stupid complaining that. i got too comfortable with him and just said what i wanted to say. is there anyway to make up to him any more ? sigh...
Fondue Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 ouch.. i was stupid complaining that. i got too comfortable with him and just said what i wanted to say. is there anyway to make up to him any more ? sigh... At two months? Unlikely. You guys aren't invested enough into each other for it to be "worked out" at 2 months. If it was a year, yah. It would have been likely. Would have taken some communication and mending, but definitely. Again, two months... I'm afraid not.
Author shakepig Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 At two months? Unlikely. You guys aren't invested enough into each other for it to be "worked out" at 2 months. If it was a year, yah. It would have been likely. Would have taken some communication and mending, but definitely. Again, two months... I'm afraid not. was his reaction normal thou ? a full blow..
seekingpeaceinlove Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 4 days is more than enough time to cool down after an argument. I suspect he's reached his breaking point in this short, rocky relationship and is letting it fizzle out. If you really want this relationship, reach out to him to see if you two can meet in person and talk.
Frank2thepoint Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 ouch.. i was stupid complaining that. i got too comfortable with him and just said what i wanted to say. is there anyway to make up to him any more ? sigh... See my initial response. You need to talk with him. But there is no difference at this point to wait a week to talk or talk with him tonight. It's been four days, not four hours. Pick up the phone and talk. Don't yell, don't accuse, just calmly talk to him. If he blows you off, yells, or is disrespectful, there is your answer as to how little he cares about you. Be prepared to end the relationship at that point.
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