Georgia2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 I have had nothing but bad relationships in the past. I feel like I have learned from my mistakes in choosing men. A couple of weeks ago I had a first date with a guy and backed out of it. I have a first date with a new guy tonight. There is a part of me that is afraid of getting hurt again even though I do want a relationship. 1
preraph Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 I never liked to date guys I didn't already know a little. Going on a first date with a guy I knew nothing about was very uncomfortable. I would feel like I owed them something when I was young when they paid for dinner, and no one should feel that way, but it's a self-esteem thing. On a first date with someone you don't know well, maybe take your own car. A decent guy wouldn't understand this. You can keep the date short if you want to that way.
Frank2thepoint Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 There is a part of me that is afraid of getting hurt again even though I do want a relationship. This is a tough obstacle for you to overcome if you have this fear. But you must work on facing your fear if you do want a relationship. You have to understand that a serious relationship requires you to be vulnerable, exposed to potentially being hurt. But if you practice emotionally maturity, you can soften the pain, and learn to maneuver the relationship better. In what way are you afraid of getting hurt? Being cheated on? Lied to? Taken for granted? General arguments? 1
Author Georgia2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 This is a tough obstacle for you to overcome if you have this fear. But you must work on facing your fear if you do want a relationship. You have to understand that a serious relationship requires you to be vulnerable, exposed to potentially being hurt. But if you practice emotionally maturity, you can soften the pain, and learn to maneuver the relationship better. In what way are you afraid of getting hurt? Being cheated on? Lied to? Taken for granted? General arguments? I'm afraid of being lied to again and being abused again. As far as I know I was never cheated on but I am also afraid of that to. But I am more afraid of being lied to and being abused again than being cheated on.
Author Georgia2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 I never liked to date guys I didn't already know a little. Going on a first date with a guy I knew nothing about was very uncomfortable. I would feel like I owed them something when I was young when they paid for dinner, and no one should feel that way, but it's a self-esteem thing. On a first date with someone you don't know well, maybe take your own car. A decent guy wouldn't understand this. You can keep the date short if you want to that way. Unfortunately I don't know any single guys. Other wise I would try and get dates with them. So I have to use online dating.
Frank2thepoint Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I'm afraid of being lied to again and being abused again. As far as I know I was never cheated on but I am also afraid of that to. But I am more afraid of being lied to and being abused again than being cheated on. The fear of being lied to easily appears when a suspicious incident occurs in a relationship. To overcome this fear you have to allow yourself to trust the person you are in a relationship with, but immediately deal with it when you perceive a lie, in order to resolve it, hopefully to disprove its existence. To fully learn to trust, is to also trust yourself to stand up for yourself in case lies do exist, and take action such as not tolerating such disrespect. If it means breaking up with a person, even though you have strong feelings toward the person. Abuse is a really tough one to overcome, because the emotional scars linger far longer than the physical ones. But a similar approach to what I just mentioned for fear of lies, will help. Also, identifying early on for signs of aggression from a partner. Such signs can be easily traced back to small incidents such as during an argument your partner has to physically grab, restricting you, or incapacitating you. Another sign would be intentionally smashing objects when angered or frustrated. The other factor is not making excuses for your partner when they are abusive. By doing that, you would be enabling your partner to repeat such an incident, even escalating to a worst situation in the future. Verbal abuse is easier to identify. The person intentionally disrespects you or demeans you. Lack of support and lots of criticism are sure signs of verbal abuse. Again, you are in control of yourself, so you would need to be stout with your conviction to not allow such transgressions to continue. You would have to leave the relationship, for your own safety and mental health, even if you have strong feelings for the person. In fact, when you feel really hurt, but are also thinking about how much you care about your partner, is when you need to actually leave the relationship. Just walk away. Unfortunately I don't know any single guys. Other wise I would try and get dates with them. So I have to use online dating. Single guys probably exist around you, but you may have not conversed about that topic with those men. It is easy to always find out if a man is single. Such as asking about any vacation plans, or their weekend, or just directly asking. I would not suggest online dating, unless you are clear with what you are looking for, and what you are unwilling to compromise. For example, don't tolerate a man doesn't return your messages, or doesn't genuinely want to get to know you. Just be prudent but firm.
me85 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I feel the same as you do. Exactly. I am enjoying my freedom. Single life suits me but I do eventually want to be past the fear of being hurt again. I'm terrified of falling in love again. I did the same thing as you. Went on 2 dates with this guy and then blew him off. He wanted serious...I don't (SCARED OF BEING HURT AGAIN.) Then next go round I only dated this one guy because he was just here for like a month for work and lived really far from me, so I thought, "Great! This is perfect. No chance it could ever work and he's so much younger...it's not likely that I will develop feelings for him." And I didn't. Everything worked out the way I wanted it too. But it was a gamble so I stopped dating after that. Here I am nearly 4 months later, still not dating but I am very lonely. Almost 16 months of not having any love and affection is tough. You're just not ready. You need more time away from the dating scene.
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