Why did my ex bother now, 8 years later!

[Tabitha87]

I'm not holding my breath and thinking that everything will be all rosy. I know that a lot of things can change in 3-5 years. I certainly wouldn't introduce my ex (or anyone else for that matter) to my kids unless I felt that it would last.

 

I had been working up the courage for years to break up with my kids' father because of how he treats the 3 of us. He was constantly angry and yelling, way too involved in video games and never spent any time with our kids, he's worked about 2/9 years and they've always been short employments (enough to get me to shut up), he's smashed SO much of my stuff in a rage and has even got us evicted from my apartment in one of his rages because he took his truck and smashed it into the underground parking lot because I took 45 mins to open a new bank account and left the kids with him instead of taking them with me. All he had to do was say sorry to my property manager and that it wouldn't happen again, but he refused & so they evicted us because they felt he was a danger to himself and other residents.

 

Following that episode, my dad offered to pay for a first/last months rent or told me if I went to a shelter, he'd get me a car instead. I chose to go to the shelter, not only for the car, but because I would then get subsidized housing which I felt was better for myself and kids since I would always be able to afford this place and it would give me the opportunity to go back to school without the worry of how I'll not only pay tuition, but rent.

 

So, here I am, living in subsidized housing with all kinds of help and resources to get me through my schooling etc. I don't think I could be in a better position, really. So while I'm upset I was evicted and homeless for 6 months, it really kind of was a blessing in disguise. It helped me be, I feel, exactly where I need to be.

 

As for my kids' father, I feel like he needs to grow up in a major way. I think time on his own may be what does it for him because all I seem to do is enable him to continue on the way he's been going as I'm normally very passive and continued to allow him to get away with doing all those things while I had to clean up after the sh*t storms he caused.

[Tabitha87]

Oh, & the other major factor of why I broke up with my kids' father is that I had major surgery Aug. 26th. I was bed writen for 2 weeks (supposed to be, anyways) & I had to have friends stay over and help me with my kids because I woke up 2 days in a row, immediately following surgery, and their father was no where to be found. I had toget out of bed, feed them, dress them etc. All the while, he had taken my car and hung out with friends. We were still together at this point. There was NO reason he couldn't do anything for his kids.

 

I broke my ankle years ago (I was 10) and the surgery was because I had been in wicked pain the last years. The doctors determined that I hadn't healed probably and they needed to put rods in my ankle/foot to support it. They found a cyst in my ankle during that surgery but didn't want to "complicate" things so they left it there until I healed. On this past Wednesday I had the second surgery to remove the cyst.

 

Again, he knew about the surgery and never offered to help with his kids. I've had my friends staying with me though, fortunately, since the first surgery to help me because I'm not supposed to be walking too much etc.

 

During my bed rest from the first surgery, their father was driving my car (I was told even drinking and driving) & he was caught at a red light camera COMPLETELY burning the light. He was ON the line when the light was red and still proceeded through the intersection. It was 5pm on a Friday and one of the busiest intersections in the city!

 

I confronted him and he instantly denied it. He said I did it, yet I was at home in bed. I told him I couldn't believe how one single person could continously be SOO irresponsible, & how I tried giving him another chance to prove he could be responsible for ONCE in his life, and that I trusted him to respect my car and me. He responded with "I have nothing to prove to you or anyone. This is me. If you don't like it, that's too effin bad! I don't care about the effin ticket and paying for it. You can take it and shove it up you a**!"

 

It was that day that I broke up with him and told him that he needed to start looking for a new place to live. The complete lack of respect he has for me is evident. He's one of, if the not the most, selfish person I've ever encountered in my life. He left me having to pay the $360 ticket, just as I was left to pay for the court costs when I was evicted. Enough is enough. I'm trying to get my life back in order and do what's best for myself and kids and I'll be damned if he ruins it for me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why was he in jail? And why is he going back? I don't get how you're thinking of your children first if you'd consider dating a man who clearly has a problem staying on the right side of the law. He was released in March and now he's already going back for three years. Do you really, honestly think this man displays enough good judgement to be re-kindling a relationship with these kids' mother?

[Sugarkane]

Why did he contact? Does it matter? Why did you contact him every year, for 7 years?

[Tabitha87]

He sold weed in mass quantities to other drug dealers. That's what got him into trouble. It wasn't like he was out there robbing people at gunpoint. I get that breaking the law is breaking the law, regardless of the crime. All I'm saying is that he wasn't harming anyone in doing so. It's not like cocaine or crack, drugs that consume you and can eventually kill you etc. Of all the crimes I can think of, selling weed has to be one of the least serious IMO.

 

I don't personally smoke the stuff, but I know lots of people that do and I don't find them to be any different than I am or anyone else who I know that doesn't smoke it. They function just like other regular people.

 

Anyway, all I'm saying is that being with my kids' father is not what is best for me & I've known that for a long time. It was only yesterday I learned he was going to prison. He never mentioned it before to me. How was I supposed to know that was going to happen?!

 

I said I'm not holding my breath for him and I wouldn't have him (or anyone else) around my kids unless I felt sure about them.

 

I don't see the harm in getting to re-know eachother over the next few years by letter. Maybe I'll see that he too is not what I want or thought him to be. I cant see how writing letters to him would affect my children. They're not meeting him. They're not talking to him. They don't even know anything about him, nor would they.

 

I know that with school starting soon and my kids, I won't have any time to really get out and meet other people, and I don't want to anyway. I don't need more grief & distractions. So, I kinda feel like it's better that he's not able to be around me before I had tried getting ahead of myself and wanting a relationship with him. I'm now not able to even do that, so it actually works out for me this way. I now have 3-5 years to think about it, and as I said, a lot can change in that time.

[Tabitha87]

To be perfectly honest, I've had (IMO), a rough to go at life, pretty well since the get go.

 

My biological father, when I was 3, tried taking my Mom to court for full custody. He lost and ceased contact with me (even though he had court enforced visitation) & then randomly popped back into my life when I was 21. At 14, against the advice of my Mom, I decided to call him. He answered the phone and when I told him who I was, he denied he even was my father speaking (I had JUST finished asking to speak with him to which he responded I was speaking with him). A week later I received a letter by registered mail, from his lawyer, stating if I tried contacting him again he'd put a restraining order against me. Talk about a tough pill to swallow.

 

I was a walking disaster after that. I was put on anti-depressants as I rapidly spiraled downhill following that encounter with my father.

 

2 years later I met a pretty awesome guy but my step-dad (who had raised me since I was 6 months old) didn't approve of him. We dated for 15 months before he broke up with me because of my step-dads hatred for him. BTW, he hated him purely because when they were 1st introduced, my ex didn't shake his hand! THAT'S the sole reason. Seriously.

 

After that break up, I started back on that downward spiral. I drank EVERY night, I started experimenting with various drugs, I was promiscuous etc. I grew up with my Mom who was always partying and cheating on my step-dad. My step-dad was never home because he was a long-haul truck driver. My sister was always at her BFs and couldn't be bothered with me. I was deemed the "bad" kid growing up, while my sister was put on a pedestal (we also have different fathers and her father took care of her). She was the "golden" child and would get away with murder, however, I was beat ALL the time, for something as simple as not hanging my jacket up. I'm sadly not even exaggerating. So, my home life was sh*t.

 

6 months later, I met the ex that is now in jail. He helped me back on the right track. He kept me away from the drugs etc., had me get back into school since I had dropped out, he made sure I took care of myself & showed me all the great things about me that I had forgotten about &/or didn't know existed. He was my first for a lot of things. Aside from the constant accusations, he was all I had wanted.

 

I can't help but feel that our breakup was all my fault, because really, it was. I had everything I could've wanted in him & I threw it away for one stupid night that wasn't even meaningful or worth it. I will likely forever regret that night and my decision, but I also know that there's nothing I can do to take it back. I get why he didn't trust me & I have no one to blame but myself.

 

He hasn't even had any serious relationships since he & I were together. His friends have all told me that he was a wreck after we broke up and that he can't see himself with anyone but me because the other people just don't feel right.

 

I feel like my actions caused him to eventually make the poor choices he's made because he's been depressed etc. I know I didn't force his hand and cause him to do what he's been doing, but I feel like I caused his downward spiral. I feel horrible about that. He had a job before me. He was going to college for business and then dropped out because of his depression. He then started selling, I guess because it's easy money and finally got caught in 2012.

 

I was told today by his sister that he never responded to me all those years because "he didn't want to be the guy to break up a family" so he felt that it was best to stay away from me so long as I was dating my kids' father. She said that he still loves me just as I do him & that he regrets his choice of not talking to me all those years & the life path he had been on. She urged me to send him a letter because "it would really lift his spirits up if he heard from you right now". I just really don't know what to say now after all of the things his friends and sister have told me today.

 

Due to my past experiences, I have a hard time dealing with rejection and relationships in general. I've been trying hard not to be so emotional but it's a work in progress. I've come a long way from the person that I used to be and I'm proud of myself for starting to take control back of myself and my life. No one showed me how. I had to learn the hard way, just like most others. There's been a lot of bumps along the way, but I'm getting to be where I want to be, in due time. I just feel really awful and confused after today's conversations.

[Tabitha87]

Well, seems my friend was wrong about this place. It's hardly helpful when you clearly are confused about things (if you were sure, I don't think you'd be asking strangers for advice), & aside from 1-2 people seemingly offering good advice/encouraging words, the others attack your character and belittle you based on your thoughts and/or decisions you haven't even made yet.

 

If I wanted to be belittled, I'd go back to being with my kids' father. Thanks, but no thanks. I thought you guys would be nicer having likely been through the same/similar things. I guess I was wrong. My bad. Lesson learned.

 

Ya, I know I'm emotional. I'm human. Some people are just more emotional than others. I've worked hard on trying to not take things so personally and/or take a breath before I react. It's quite difficult when you've never been taught to deal with emotions properly and trying to learn the "right way" of dealing with things on your own.

 

So I guess I'll just continue to read the other people's post and offer advice when I can, but I won't be seeking advice. Not from here anyway.

[Mi7522]

You have to let go of the past and put your focus towards the future. If you are always looking back at what could have been then you will not heal. Things happen for a reason it's up to you to figure out why! You are strong but you seem insecure, be strong for yourself and your kids. You are #1 and until you believe that I really don't think you will move on to something better for YOU!

[Seeker12]

Tabitha, i might just be emotional right now, but if you love him, and can learn to love him, and can guarantee that this guy will love you like he did all these years ago, then you go for it, and you get him back and you make something with him.

 

Like i said to you in my first post, if i have the chance, in 8 years to get back with my ex, then my perspective right now is damn sure would i work my ass off to get her back in my life and love her.

[Tabitha87]

Again, I know I'm emotional. I definitely have a hard time letting go of things. I really don't know why I have that trait, but I do. It effects me on a regular.

 

My father, who I didn't see from the age of 3-21, also dislikes this trait because I have a difficult time trusting him and letting go of the hurt he caused. I tried having a relationship with him, however, it's difficult for me to accept the fact that he refuses to take any blame. He shifts all the blame on my Mom, Step-dad, his ex-wife & his Mom. His apologies always go something like "I'm sorry I did ___, but x person made me do it", or "I'm sorry thatI didn't see you, but x person & person made it hard for me".

 

I tried to make things work with him (solely for my own healing) because I feel that is where a lot of my issues come from, but I just don't see the point when he doesn't seem to realize what affect his choices had on me & if he doesn't see what his choices can do, how can I be sure it won't happen again or at least feel at ease that he's learned to try and not make those same choices. So, I don't see him anymore because I feel it's the best way to protect myself from him.

 

Actually, my father walking out on me is the reason why I had put up with my kids' father all this time, in fear that he'd take our breakup out on them & stop seeing them, so I put up with him in hopes he'd grow up a bit, help with them etc., but I now realize that after nearly 9 years (6 with kids, although there'd been a few miscarriages prior to my first child), if he hasn't changed yet, it's unlikely he ever will (at least not around me).

 

I finally figured out that if he loves his kids any, our breakup won't stop him from being a part of their lives & I fully intend to allow him to be involved with them as much as he'd like. He may not be nice to me, but I have to give him the chance to be the best father to them as he knows how to be. I know he's an angry guy, but I'm hoping that being on his own, away from me, will help him to be less angry since I'm apparently the all the reasons to blame for his anger. I've never been a spiteful person & I'm not going to start being one now.

 

I just want to go to school so I can be that much closer to my goals/dreams of having a better life for myself and kids & actually being able to stand on my two feet, live a little & afford to go places I've only ever dreamt of. I think I'll get great satisfaction knowing that I single handedly got myself to that point (with the exception of my step-dads help & support).

[ExpatInItaly]

To be perfectly honest, I've had (IMO), a rough to go at life, pretty well since the get go.

 

My biological father, when I was 3, tried taking my Mom to court for full custody. He lost and ceased contact with me (even though he had court enforced visitation) & then randomly popped back into my life when I was 21. At 14, against the advice of my Mom, I decided to call him. He answered the phone and when I told him who I was, he denied he even was my father speaking (I had JUST finished asking to speak with him to which he responded I was speaking with him). A week later I received a letter by registered mail, from his lawyer, stating if I tried contacting him again he'd put a restraining order against me. Talk about a tough pill to swallow.

 

I was a walking disaster after that. I was put on anti-depressants as I rapidly spiraled downhill following that encounter with my father.

 

2 years later I met a pretty awesome guy but my step-dad (who had raised me since I was 6 months old) didn't approve of him. We dated for 15 months before he broke up with me because of my step-dads hatred for him. BTW, he hated him purely because when they were 1st introduced, my ex didn't shake his hand! THAT'S the sole reason. Seriously.

 

After that break up, I started back on that downward spiral. I drank EVERY night, I started experimenting with various drugs, I was promiscuous etc. I grew up with my Mom who was always partying and cheating on my step-dad. My step-dad was never home because he was a long-haul truck driver. My sister was always at her BFs and couldn't be bothered with me. I was deemed the "bad" kid growing up, while my sister was put on a pedestal (we also have different fathers and her father took care of her). She was the "golden" child and would get away with murder, however, I was beat ALL the time, for something as simple as not hanging my jacket up. I'm sadly not even exaggerating. So, my home life was sh*t.

 

6 months later, I met the ex that is now in jail. He helped me back on the right track. He kept me away from the drugs etc., had me get back into school since I had dropped out, he made sure I took care of myself & showed me all the great things about me that I had forgotten about &/or didn't know existed. He was my first for a lot of things. Aside from the constant accusations, he was all I had wanted.

 

I can't help but feel that our breakup was all my fault, because really, it was. I had everything I could've wanted in him & I threw it away for one stupid night that wasn't even meaningful or worth it. I will likely forever regret that night and my decision, but I also know that there's nothing I can do to take it back. I get why he didn't trust me & I have no one to blame but myself.

 

He hasn't even had any serious relationships since he & I were together. His friends have all told me that he was a wreck after we broke up and that he can't see himself with anyone but me because the other people just don't feel right.

 

I feel like my actions caused him to eventually make the poor choices he's made because he's been depressed etc. I know I didn't force his hand and cause him to do what he's been doing, but I feel like I caused his downward spiral. I feel horrible about that. He had a job before me. He was going to college for business and then dropped out because of his depression. He then started selling, I guess because it's easy money and finally got caught in 2012.

 

I was told today by his sister that he never responded to me all those years because "he didn't want to be the guy to break up a family" so he felt that it was best to stay away from me so long as I was dating my kids' father. She said that he still loves me just as I do him & that he regrets his choice of not talking to me all those years & the life path he had been on. She urged me to send him a letter because "it would really lift his spirits up if he heard from you right now". I just really don't know what to say now after all of the things his friends and sister have told me today.

 

Due to my past experiences, I have a hard time dealing with rejection and relationships in general. I've been trying hard not to be so emotional but it's a work in progress. I've come a long way from the person that I used to be and I'm proud of myself for starting to take control back of myself and my life. No one showed me how. I had to learn the hard way, just like most others. There's been a lot of bumps along the way, but I'm getting to be where I want to be, in due time. I just feel really awful and confused after today's conversations.

 

Wrong. You are absolutely not responsible for the choices a grown man makes. He displays poor judgement and disrespect for authority and the law. Someone who can't seem to manage to stay out of lock-up isn't exactly a star candidate for a partner - he evidently didn't learn his lesson the first time and I would have serious concerns about his ability to maintain steady, gainful employment upon release. The type of people he has around him should also be a concern, as he's essentially a drug dealer. They don't tend to attract only the best in society. That should also concern you as a mother. He set himself up for this path, not you. I honestly feel you have come too far in life to have his sister's sob stories manipulate back into an unhealthy situation. And I'm sorry to be blunt, but that's what I think is going on here. You have far too much to protect and lose.

 

You can position yourself as the victim and claim people here are attacking you, but don't forget that many posters are giving you no-BS perspectives precisely because they have been in your shoes and see the unhealthy shades of this. You solicited advice from strangers, and as an adult, you would be wise to steel yourself to hear the un-sugarcoated version of posters' thoughts. Name-calling and insults are of course unnecessary, but sometimes a cold dose of reality is also what you need to prevent yourself from making poor choices. Just my two cents. I have a feeling you're going to pursue this guy anyway and were hoping to have your position validated here, but I just don't see the benefit for you and your kids from rekindling things with him. Best of luck to you in any case.

[NopeNah]

Honestly... He's not even a good drug dealer.

[Tabitha87]

Tabitha, i might just be emotional right now, but if you love him, and can learn to love him, and can guarantee that this guy will love you like he did all these years ago, then you go for it, and you get him back and you make something with him.

 

Like i said to you in my first post, if i have the chance, in 8 years to get back with my ex, then my perspective right now is damn sure would i work my ass off to get her back in my life and love her.

 

I just don't know what to say now. He apparently wants to talk to me because his sister and friends have told me that. I checked out his online dating account and it says his longest relationship is 10+ years, but it's not. His longwst was with me, for a little over a year. His sister told me to go look at it so I did. I asked her why he lied about the relationship thing & she said that's what she wanted me to see. I don't get it though?! How does that have to do with me?! That's where some of the confusion stems from.

 

Also, his 2 of his friends told me that he'd date random girls over the years and did just as I did. He'd compare them all to me and if he felt they weren't like me, he'd move on to the next (I did the same by always comparing him to my kids' father). They also said he would follow me a lot, just to see me (& I know that it's true because I saw him a LOT over the years and we lived at different parts of the city).

 

I just don't understand why they waited all this time to tell me?! I guess because I'm single now & maybe he's hoping I'll wait for him and we can start talking from here on out. I really don't know.

 

But now, that leads me back to what am I supposed to say to him? He knows that his sister told me to write him a letter apparently because she said he called her today to make sure that she told me & to "make sure she writes me". I asked her to just give him my number again, but apparently he's not allowed to call me because I need to be put on an approved calling list which, in order to do that, she said I need to write a letter to the prison requesting I be put on the list. I have to attach a copy of my I.D. so they can run a background check & then they confirm with both parties that we in fact want to speak to eachother.

 

I don't want to hurt his feelings more than I already have so I would obviously like to talk to him, but I'm at a loss for words. I thought I knew what I'd say, but now I'm not sure. Ugh. I hate this!

[Tabitha87]

 

You can position yourself as the victim and claim people here are attacking you, but don't forget that many posters are giving you no-BS perspectives precisely because they have been in your shoes and see the unhealthy shades of this. You solicited advice from strangers, and as an adult, you would be wise to steel yourself to hear the un-sugarcoated version of posters' thoughts. Name-calling and insults are of course unnecessary, but sometimes a cold dose of reality is also what you need to prevent yourself from making poor choices. Just my two cents. I have a feeling you're going to pursue this guy anyway and were hoping to have your position validated here, but I just don't see the benefit for you and your kids from rekindling things with him. Best of luck to you in any case.

 

Granted, I did ask for advice & I knew that I should take some of it with a grain of salt. However, I don't feel like making comments like "Are you sure you're not still 19" is advice, nor is helpful in any sort of way. Also, to seeminfly question my parental skills for considering writing a letter (that doesn't even have ANY sort of affect on them) also irks me. I clearly stated that I would NOT have him around my kids (or anyone else) until I felt like it would last because I know better than most people that kids need stability.

 

As for him now being in prison, again, I had no idea he was back to selling, much less was caught for it. I'm not a psychic or a mind reader, unfortunately lol.

 

I wasn't looking for validation. I came here before having known about him getting busted. I couldn't understand why he had decided after all this time to finally message me, but I suppose his sister answered that when she told how he didn't want to "break up a family" (I had broken up with my kid's father for a few months last year so he thought we had still been broken up in March is what his sister said). Then, when I messaged him finally, he had already been told that we were back together so that's why he ignored me again.

 

Again, a lot can change in 3-5 years. Maybe he will actually have something to look forward when getting out this time and have a reason to stay on the right side of the tracks (although not going back, I would assume, is reason enough). Maybe I'll start school, then later work & reevaluate my stand on this/him. I don't know. I do know that he's all I've wanted for years (& apparently it's a mutual feeling) so I want to at least try talking with him & see what happens.

[Itspointless]

I do know that he's all I've wanted for years (& apparently it's a mutual feeling) so I want to at least try talking with him & see what happens.

You remember SycamoreCircle his remark?

Are you sure you're not still 19?

I understand where it came from. You are used to so much drama in your life and that is no wonder reading about your youth. Your ex perhaps is the closest thing you have known when it comes to love and someone caring about you (I remember you saying that somewhere). The trouble is that with the examples we have had in our youth we are bound to repeat what we have known.

 

Tabitha, you deserve much better than even this guy. You seem to have come a long way yourself since, but still I want to recommend you to find a therapist who specializes in attachment theory. Such a therapist can guide you to real autonomy: that is a way of living and independence wherein others play a healthy role. Try to focus on your kids, study and learning about yourself. I am sure with the right kind of coaching you will find a great guy some day, but probably he will be in the range you consider boring right now. Sometimes the people who rock our boats most are the worst for us, as they are unconsciously familiar to what we have known.

[Tabitha87]

So I should just ignore what his sister and friends have been telling me the past few days?

 

I tend to believe them when they told me his reasons for not responding back all those years. He grew up with both his parents and probably thought it was important my kids do too, & therefore didn't want to interfere & tried to respect that. I can understand that.

 

If I didn't give a person a chance simply based on their mistakes, and it worked both ways, I doubt that some "great guy" (as you say) is going to come around because I've made a LOT of them.

 

I think he wants me to write him a letter because he knows that I'm single now and doesn't feel like he'd be interfering and/or causing any disrespect, plus he wouldn't have to deal with the stress of someone threatening him. I don't know what his plans are in regards to me, other than that he wants to talk with me. Maybe he doesn't even want a relationship and just wanted to be able to talk to me without the added stress. I really don't know. I'd like to think it's more than that, but maybe I'm just being hopeful?!

 

I have a lot of regrets from poor choices. I don't want this to add to the list for not taken 5 minutes of my time to write a letter that could possibly lead to me having some clarity.

[Itspointless]

So I should just ignore what his sister and friends have been telling me the past few days?

No, why should you ignore these messages and ignore him? I think it can be healthy to communicate, especially if there is a chance to set some things from the past straight. Perhaps it even could be a chance to be friends again.

 

I do advice you to go slow with the flow. In my own life I sometimes notice how some patterns seem to repeat, and always at the moments with the people I least expect. Therefore it is important to look to ourselves in a way that in all honesty is annoying but needed. People who had more balanced parents often are securely attached as it is called. Meaning that they had great models. Of-course we can think for ourselves, but these kind of things are very much unconscious. Therefore we sometimes have to be careful with our own judgement, especially if we feel blown away by people.

[Tabitha87]

I figured I'd say something like..

 

"So, your sister and friends have been asking me to write you a letter, although I'm not exactly sure what to say.

 

Anyway, I thought that maybe, since you're gonna be there for a while, we can get to re-know eachother & it'll probably help you pass some time.

 

I assume that you wanted me to write you a letter for a reason, but I'm not sure what that reason is, so maybe you could let me know?!

 

Ttyl I guess".

 

That's the best I got lol

[Itspointless]

Tabitha, I really do hope that you take the advice of the other posters to heard. In eight years he had enough time to start over. Just like you he isn't a young boy any-more. His position tells us that he hasn't made the smartest choices in life. You are in no way responsible for what has happened to him or obliged to him in any way. Also the way he tested you right in the beginning doesn't sounds right to me. As I said I think you deserve better.

 

I said what I said as you really seem to have some unfinished business with him. If I were you I would just write to him what you want to say, so you can begin with a clean slate. I at least would skip the promises you hint at here.

I figured I'd say something like..

 

"So, your sister and friends have been asking me to write you a letter, although I'm not exactly sure what to say.

 

Anyway, I thought that maybe, since you're gonna be there for a while, we can get to re-know eachother & it'll probably help you pass some time.

 

I assume that you wanted me to write you a letter for a reason, but I'm not sure what that reason is, so maybe you could let me know?!

 

Ttyl I guess".

 

That's the best I got lol

[ExpatInItaly]

Tabitha, I really do hope that you take the advice of the other posters to heard. In eight years he had enough time to start over. Just like you he isn't a young boy any-more. His position tells us that he hasn't made the smartest choices in life. You are in no way responsible for what has happened to him or obliged to him in any way. Also the way he tested you right in the beginning doesn't sounds right to me. As I said I think you deserve better.

 

I said what I said as you really seem to have some unfinished business with him. If I were you I would just write to him what you want to say, so you can begin with a clean slate. I at least would skip the promises you hint at here.

 

Agree with that. He probably wasn't the most faithful of boyfriends either. The only guys I've ever known to "test" their girlfriends like that were also screwing around themselves.

 

I also believe you deserve better. Surely there are men around (ie. not incarcerated) who can offer you a lot more.

[Tabitha87]

I believed his friends, & still kinda do. I think "the test" may have been an excuse, something that he made up to deflect any attention to what his friends had told me. Nonetheless, I believe after that we had both stayed faithful to eachother afterwards. I know I did anyways. His friends never said anything to me about it again (I'd even ask on occasion) & no one ever told me about him doing anything like that again.

 

I just felt as though walking away was the best thing I could do for him at that point. I tried time and time again to show I can be trusted but he forever had issues when I wasn't around him. I mean, I get why I suppose, but I was tired of explaining myself all the time. I felt I had proved that I learned my lesson by then and that I wasn't going to hurt him like that again.

 

Aside from the accusations, he was the best guy I could ask for. We just clicked. We talked about anything and everything. I felt myself around him. We had lots of common interests and there was never a dull moment together, even if we were hanging out and watching a movie. We were just always happy together. We could be silly together, or talk about the serious things too. It really didn't matter. He knew all about my past, even the most shameful things, yet never judged me for them. I knew lots of his darkest thoughts/moments too & I never felt different about him.

 

I've missed lots about our relationship. I haven't even felt remotely close to that same feeling with my most recent ex. He held me back a lot. I was always made to feel guilty if I did something he didn't approve of. I was blamed for everything that upset him, be it not waking up in time for work, not having a particular food item he liked/wanted etc. He constantly called me lazy, useless etc. If I didn't pick up immediately from dinner, the kids toys.. the list goes on.

 

My old ex was more level headed. When I had a problem or did things he didn't like, he showed me how to fix it & would explain why it was an issues for him. He never yelled at me. He never lost his mind over something so trivial. He was always approachable.

 

I know there's other people like that out there too. I get it. I just feel like I should at least try and see what happens. At least I can walk away knowing I tried and that I won't carry around all that regret anymore. I need to see, for my own peace of mind.