Why did my ex bother now, 8 years later!

[Tabitha87]

This is a bit different than the other questions, but my ex and I dated for a year (more off than on) & I eventually started dating another guy (in hopes to forget about and over him), nearly 9 years ago.

 

During the first 7 years, I'd send him messages saying I was sorry (I cheated on him) & how i actually still missed and wanted to be with him. I didn't send them ALL the time. Maybe every year, give or take, but he never responded even though I know he had read them.

 

A few months ago (in March) he had sent me a message on FB which read "heeey.. do you remember me. Wow. You have a kid now? Just thought I'd let u know I still think of u & miss u".

 

I didn't see the message until September so I wrote him back saying "Sorry. I just read your message because it went into my "other" folder. Of course I remember you. That's a silly question. & yes, I have 2 kids."

 

FB showed me that he read it within a minute but then marked it as "unread". A few days later I had messaged him again, asking how he was etc., & same thing. He read it within a minute of sending it and then marked it as unread. About a week later I sent another, this time telling him how I was breaking up with my kids' father, going back to school to be a nurse and that I wasn't into the games. I asked him to block me as it would so us both a favor. He won't hear from and I can't even attempt to try. Again, he read it, marked it as unread and yet didn't block me.

 

I don't get why he bothered telling that after not actually talking to for the last 8 years and then basically ignores me. I'm so confused by this! I really don't understand why he bothered telling me that when I had sent him a message 2 years ago saying how I was still so sorry and that I really missed being able to talk with him and he ignored me then too. I also often told him how unhappy I was & why I began dating the new guy in the first place and how I just wanted him back, so I don't get why he'd ask if I remember him?! Plus, I told him 2 years ago that I had 2 kids etc., so why ask as if he hadn't known?

 

Any ideas why he's playing games would be great (or at least that's what it seems like to me) would be great. Thanks

[jphcbpa]

Just give it some time....it has been years..what are a few months?

 

Keep taking care of you!

[Standard-Fare]

First off, can you definitely rule out the possibility that this is a Facebook error and he actually HASN'T seen the messages?

 

But let's say he has. You made a mistake by sending THREE messages without a peep of response from him, and using an angry tone in the final one, accusing him of "playing games."

 

His message to you was REALLY short/simple... nothing probing. He could have just been giving you a quick "hello" without any other intent. Yes it's weird that it's coming after eight years of silence but best not to attach too much meaning to that without knowing.

 

Definitely hold back on any other communication.

[dclan]

I honestly think you pushed him away...

 

He hasn't talked to you in like 8 years, he was probably saying:"Hello!"

 

He may still have feelings for you...

 

First of all: the "read" function in facebook or any other chat, is nothing more than an announcement that the message folder has been opened....you don't really know if his eyes were looking at the words, or if the information was processed by his brain; to mee it seems you rushed into conclusions based on a silly facebook function.

 

Second: took you like 5 months to reply his original message, and later in those messages you told him to block you and not to contact him again.

 

So I suppose, that...its highly possible he is the one who doesn't understand what the hell is going on with you. He is the ony probably thinking you play mind games :confused::confused::confused:

 

What do you want? to reconnect with this person? (or at least to see where the rabbit whole takes you with him?)

 

I think it was you the one who is scearing him away.

 

Btw, why did you 2 broke up in the first place?

[Tabitha87]

I know that it wasn't am error. I still had the message open after I had sent each of them and my phone "dinged" and showed me that it was "Seen at × time" Each time, I hit refresh and it didn't show that it had been read. I experimented and the only way you can do that is to mark it as unread.

 

He used to do this sort of thing while we dated for that year. He'd ignore me and then call me when it was convenient for him. I played along because I was just happy to have him any way I could.

 

Now, it's been nearly 9 years. I'm not 19 anymore. I see that I actually am important, even if I'm not important to him. I'm important to me!

 

I told him to talk to me when he's ready but to just block me if not because I want & need to move on. I was getting there too, I thought, and then he threw me through a loop and confused me all over again.

 

I'm also pretty sure he's called a few times over the years but sits on the other end silent and there have been at least 3-4 drunk messages in the last 2 years but he alwayd called blocked number.

[dclan]

Maybe, you are right, but still, it might have been a bit too much for you guys. I don't know what the dynamic between the two of you was back in the day, but replying like that might have scared him off.

 

He might have not replied to your texts, because he honestly didn't know what to reply at such moment.

 

You said to him:

 

"I have 2 children, I'm in a relationship with the father of my children but I want to break up with him. I have feelings for you! Don't call me unless you want something serious! "

 

To any guy, even if he was still madly in love with you, is just a bit too much!

 

....he thinks are rushing into things at lightning speed!!!

 

I understand that you just wanted to make it clear to him that you are no longer in an age to have an "immature" relationship and that if he wishes to be with you, he needs to take things like and adult.

 

But it honestly sound as if you were in a rush!

 

ANY man would be scared off by this

[Seeker12]

If the dynamic was strong, and there were other reasons why you broke off ie work, family etc etc. then if it was me and my ex got in touch with me after 8 years, id be cautious, my heart would jump, and id need things to slow down so i can refocus, especially when theres the possibility the love of my life could be coming back to me, but id want that chance, and damn in hell would i work to make it work, but id need things to be slow, because 8 years of emotion is going to come flooding back to me.

[Tabitha87]

I was 18 when we first started dating, after he had chased me for a few months. My friends warned me he was trouble and now to get involved. He was 22.

 

A few months into dating, one of his "friends" told me that he was cheating on me. I was really upset, got drunk & then slept with his "friend" who told him about it the next day. A month later we got back together and he told me tjat he was only testing me and I had failed, but that he'd give me another chance.

 

He was really controlling after that (3-4 months later) & anytime I wasn't physically with him, I was constantly accused of cheating on him (which I hadn't since the one & only time). We argued a lot because of the constant accusations so I figured it was time to walk away. I started dating my kids father a month later.

 

A few months later, the new guy and I broke up and I sent him a message saying that I was sorry about how it all went down and that I had hurt him as I wasn't thinking clearly and was quite upset but that I had learned from it and it wouldn't happen again. He came over, we hung out and he brought his friend (not the same guy from before) & my friend was there too.

 

His friend took me aside and into my kitchen and was telling me how bad I had hurt my ex and that my ex was scared of me cheating again because guys were always hitting on me etc. I told his friend that he was all I think about and how sorry I was. They ended up sleeping over and when I woke up, he and his were gone & then he changed his number the next day and wouldn't answer me.

 

2 months went by and I still hadn't heard from him so I started dating the other guy again & had been dating him still until last month.

 

Maybe I did scare him away. I don't know, but I do know this isn't the first time he's ignored me and toyed with me. While I would love to get back with him again, I also don't like to be ignored and treated as a convenience. Sure. I made a mistake, but I don't think it should be held over my head for my entire life from him. I get I should have confronted him first, instead what I did, but I learned from it and always confronted him afterwards with any issues I had with him (be it his friends telling me stuff, or how I was being treated etc.)

 

Maybe I reacted too soon, but I still think of him ALL the time and had just wished he'd talk to me already! Then when he did, it just spun my head and I was angry that he ignored me when he's the one who had talked to me in the first place.

 

& I know that he read the messages because he made a status after the 2nd one which said "What do u do when u know u miss them, they miss u, but u just aint sure how it will end up since things r so diferent now". A few people asked about the status and he said "i finally msgd her again a while back & now she wrote back. I don't no wat 2 do tho because I no shes still wit that same dude".

 

After reading the status, I waited and then told him about breaking up with my kids' father & going back to school etc. He still hasn't blocked me so I'm sure he sees I broke up with the other guy but still no word from him. Maybe he's waiting to see if the breakup lasts. I don't know, but it is very frustrating knowing I have to just leave things be and that it's now up to him.

[dclan]

Well the way I see it, he is scared:

 

To be honest, the original cause of the break-up was you cheating on him, and he not being able to trust you. You did hurt him.

 

You need to note that, you were also dating during this time, the man that you were dating when you dumped him. That hurts, even if it isn't your fault.

 

In his mind, even if he is wrong, this is probably how he felt:

 

"She cheated on me, then dumped me, then started dating this guy, went off to have a family with this man" ----> very hard to process all that.

 

So, you need to understand that all of this, plus the factor that you seemed to rush into things, would make him pretty scared.

 

:o

[Strength in Healing]

Likely had to do with you having two kids now.

[loversquarrel]

Did you have kids with the guy you cheated on him with?? If so, that is one tough pill to swallow. No way in hell I'd go back to someone after that. He's probably reluctant to answer you because he is nervous of any emotional connection he may get with you.

[Tabitha87]

I get that I hurt him. He hurt me too when he just disappeared and changed his number etc. I figured that he was obviously done and didn't know how to say it. I waited for what I thought was a sufficient amount of time (2 months) before dating the other guy again. I didn't think I should wait around when I hadn't seen or heard from him in months, all the while feelings miserable.

 

I get that having dating this guy for nearly 9 years and having two kids with him might be a lot for my ex to take in but I tried explaining to him before that he doesn't even need to meet them right away (nor would I want him to) & I certainly don't NEED him to help take care of them by any means. I've been doing fine on my own the last 6 years, taking care of them, because their father is still stuck on 16 and doesn't take responsibility for anything & has always relied on me to pay for everything etc. (Hence why I finally broke up with him).

 

Anyhow. I know to just leave it alone now. I have to let him do whatever it is he is going to do, but I'm still just baffled as to why he messaged me in the first place. He made it seemingly clear that he wanted nothing to do with me all that time so why miss me now? That's what I don't get.

[SycamoreCircle]

Are you sure you're not still 19?

[Tabitha87]

No. My kids were with a different guy. These two don't even know eachother, aside from my kids' father having threatened my ex because I had messaged him. My ex never responded to the message, however, the other guy still apparently felt it was nessaccary to tell my ex to leave me alone & that if he didn't, he do inexplicable things to him.

[Tabitha87]

Are you sure you're not still 19?

 

Yes. I'm sure I'm not still 19. I don't feel I'm still being juvenile for having told him that I wasn't into playing games. I have 2 kids that I now need to think about before myself and I finally realized that being with their father is not what is best myself or my kids. I first stayed with him because he's simply their father and I thought he'd grow up, but he hasn't.

 

It doesn't do anyone of us any good keeping him around while he does nothing to help me, is angry at the world (& would always smash my stuff) & put me down for whatever reason he could find.

 

I started going back to school to be an RPN & I refuse to let ANYONE stand in the way of accomplishing that goal. I'm not getting any younger than I was yesterday and my kids need a good example to look upon. I wasn't doing it for them before & it took some time to figure it out, finally, but I did.

Edited November 6, 2014 by Tabitha87

[dclan]

No. My kids were with a different guy. These two don't even know eachother, aside from my kids' father having threatened my ex because I had messaged him. My ex never responded to the message, however, the other guy still apparently felt it was nessaccary to tell my ex to leave me alone & that if he didn't, he do inexplicable things to him.

 

I think you are not getting it....

 

Dear, this man just said:"Hello, how are you? I misss you"

 

He didn't say he wanted a relationship, he didn't ask you out, he didn't inquire about your relationship status, etc.

 

You replied to him months after that message (5 months), and started talking about your kids, being single, telling him he needs to be mature if he wants to be with you.

 

You went gunz blazing in the air into a relationship discussion with a guy that just said hello to you!

 

I agree that the "I miss you" implies he is looking to make contact with you, in order to develop some sort of romantic scenario between the two of you, but let him get there!

 

Maybe he wanted to reconnect as friends, meet for coffee, talk about each other's life, and then just then maybe start thinking about rekindling things. It's been 8 years!!

 

You have to slow down!!!:laugh:

[leavesonautumn]

I'm sorry but I'm not really understanding how you think he's playing games. He sent you one message in March, basically just a "hi, how are you" and it took you months to respond. If anyone is playing games, it's you and it seems to be one-sided.

 

At the very least, even if he reached out to get laid, I'm sure he was over it after 6 months with no response. You need to just not contact him anymore, he's clearly not interested.

[Tabitha87]

Yes, I get I reacted too quickly and should have given him more time to respond but I felt I was being ignored and I really didn't want to start talking to him just for him to run off in the middle of the night again. The last time I saw him, it really crushed me. It caused me to take myself to a very dark place in my life. When your friend doesn't hear from you for days and finds you overdosed on the floor because you tried to off yourself, that's rock bottom!

 

I'm scared of being back in that place, although I don't FEEL remotely close to being there again, it still scares me. I've grown a lot since then, I think, & know how to make amd keep myself happy without relying on others to be my sole happiness. I understand that I'm the only person who truly cares about my real happiness & that my actions directly and indirectly cause my life to be the way it is and was.

 

I had to work really hard on controlling my emotions, & yes, I sometimes lose control of them. I'm definitely better today than I was 2 years ago.

 

I really didn't even see how I came off as too strong with my message to him, until you guys pointed it and gave me what could be his perception of it, but it was by no means how I meant for it to come across. I was simply trying to state I was finally getting my life on track and can't afford to mess it up this time.

 

Anyhow, his sister (who I NEVER speak to) messaged me an hour ago saying that he was arrested again (got out in March after 15 months in jail) a few weeks ago and will be going to prison for at least 3 years (was sentenced to 5). She said he asked her to message me when they knew what prison he'd be in so that I could write him.

 

So, I guess he's not entirely pissed with me, but this is still not the outcome I thought and hoped for Now I just feel really awful for him, even though I get that he shouldn't have been breaking the law and selling bad things. I can't help but worry about him now.

 

Writing letters back and forth and possibly visiting him and only being able to see him through a glass window was not the way I foreseen things happening. So, that's pretty unfortunate.

 

So that brings me to a whole new question. Wtf am I supposed to write since I don't want to seem pushy or something?!

[Mi7522]

You really don't have to write him for three years minimum right? That should give you more than enough time to figure out what you want!

[Tabitha87]

I know and have known what I wanted for a long time now. I've wanted to be a RPN for a long time (when I was about 16-17). However, I allowed my own thoughts of negativity stop me and the words/advice of others as well.

 

After high school, I had been a housekeeper for residential properties & I later started working at a Retirement residence as a housekeeper (at 22). It was then that I realized I really wanted to be a RPN, in a Retirement residence, but people (including myself) kept telling me that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I finally got over that self created fear earlier this year and now I'll be back in school in January to start my courses!

 

I don't necessarily need a love life as school and my kids will keep me very busy I'd imagine so waiting another 3-5 years won't kill me I suppose lol. I've already gone this long without him, I'm sure I can do a few more, right?!

 

I would like to send him a letter though during the time he's there and maybe it would help me knowing that we can simply get to re-know eachother, slowly, since nothing more can happen anyway and there's nothing quick about writing a letter, mailing it, it taking 3-6 days to reach him, he then writing back and again having to wait for the letter in the mail.

 

I have an idea of what I'd say, but I don't know.

[Strength in Healing]

Why did they tell you you couldn't handle it? Whether or not that's true, that's incredibly rude and annoying on their behalf. Human nature can be quite pitiful.

[Tabitha87]

Because I used to have a "weak stomach". However, having 2 kids and watching my 2 nieces be born, also working in a Retirement home & being dedicated to working on the "secure floors" (where they put the elderly that need 24/7 care), I pretty much have seen and/or cleaned the worst type of messes I previously would've been sick by.

 

I've seen quite a few unpleasant sights and smells with those experiences but each and every time I was able to keep my composure and not panic. I still an iffy on the needle thing, but that's part of life. It's mind over matter. I can train myself to get through it, just I did the other things! I just need to remind myself that I AM in control of my emotions and the only thing stopping me is me!

 

I recently got a tattoo that says "Don't let 'em hold you down. Reach for the stars" across my left side & will be doing my right side after Christmas with "Fear is your only obstacle. Don't let it stop you". & I got them in spots no employer should or will ever see so that I wouldn't be frowned upon for having tattoos.

 

Those are the 2 things I've allowed to control me and my life (fear and the words of others etc.) So I got/am getting them as a constant reminder to not lose focus or sight of my dreams as they're perfectly attainable.

[Strength in Healing]

You can do anything you set your mind to, so good luck and be sure to update once you reach your goal, which you will.

 

You think seeing babies being born was bad, you should've seen some of the stuff I had to see in the police academy lol

[April Moon]

Why do you want to be with this guy??? He tested to see if you would cheat on him.... Who does that?? Now he is going to jail. You haven't seen him in almost 10 years. And now you are ready to waste three more waiting on him?? Honestly, you have wasted enough time over this guy. Move on.

[Seeker12]

Tabitha, you spent the last 7-8 years with someone who you presumably loved, had a life and family with, the next 3 years will be, if you go down this route, spent on your own, hoping and wishing and waiting for this guy to fingers crossed take you on after 3 years. You and your children need stability, family wise, waiting for a guy whose not even their parent to come out of jail isnt the best for them or you, lifewise and emotionally, especially on the offchance that may be he will hook up with you, which again is no guarantee, and then again how long will he hook up? I doubt he will commit to marriage with you, how will he support you? If you say you support yourself well how will this reflect on the children? I personally think you are making emotional jumps, and havent necessarily logically thought it through.

Edited November 7, 2014 by Seeker12