SycamoreCircle Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 I tried to find something about this online with little success: is it common for a person who is cheating on their SO to decide to never want to see them again? Meaning---let's say I cheat on you, break up with you but without letting you know about the other person, instead giving you a bunch of reasons. Would it be understandable, since I don't want to reveal the other person, and have decided in my mind that the "reasons" are the motivating factor, that I should never be in contact with you again? My thinking is that the cheater resolves in their mind to do this because to see the SO would only remind them of their cheating, even though they won't admit even to themselves, that they cheated. Confused yet? :-)
SoThatHappened Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 let's say I cheat on you, break up with you but without letting you know about the other person, instead giving you a bunch of reasons. ..... Confused yet? :-) Very. I wouldn't never date you. You're just not my type. It's the whole "having a penis" thing, since I have one too. is it common for a person who is cheating on their SO to decide to never want to see them again? Cheating or not, I don't think one can "decide" to never want to see them again. Want/desire is an emotion, not a thought. The cheater may think they never want to see the dumpee again, but they can't "decide" to not want to see them down the road (i.e., missing them, regretting what they did). My thinking is that the cheater resolves in their mind to do this because to see the SO would only remind them of their cheating, even though they won't admit even to themselves, that they cheated. Again, the cheater can resolve anything in their mind that they want. But, they can't control their feelings afterwards. The only thing they can control is their actions. The cheater may want to reconnect/apologize/whatever down the road, but it's not a choice... it's a desire/feeling. Now I'm confused too. 1
Author SycamoreCircle Posted November 6, 2014 Author Posted November 6, 2014 Remarkably, I think I understand. Maybe I should have said---is it understandable for a cheater to SAY they never want to see you again, when they are concealing their cheating from everyone, even themselves? "I didn't cheat, we're just different, I'm not satisfied, he emotionally blackmailed me, etc." I think, as you said, it comes down to what the cheater feels down the line whether they will abide by that decision.
dclan Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 Dumper's are unreliable narrators. What they say is never accurate, or completly truthfull. They can tell you they are breaking up with you because you are mean to them, when in reality they've met someone else. They might tell you they love you even when they don't. They may tell you they don't love you even when they do so its easier for you to accept the break up. And so on, and so on. Of course some degree of truth is expected on their reasons, but its usually only on minor things that are not important. Also, emotions are not somethiing you can pin point. Maybe when the dumper ends the relationship, he will not want to see the dumpee, and will say things like:"I NEVER want to see you again", but maybe in 6 months that feeling has changed. Just like their feelings changed during the relationship (from love to hate/indifference), so will they change again after the relationship. 3
SoThatHappened Posted November 6, 2014 Posted November 6, 2014 I cheated on my long-term ex with the girl that brought me here. I was with the long-term girl half of my life (on and off since high school, together for the last 7 years, lived together the last 3 years). I wanted out for many reasons. Doesn't justify my cheating, but I "condoned" it in my head because I wanted out, and even told her I wanted out. She wouldn't leave or accept the breakup. I wasn't planning on cheating, but let myself do it. As far as I know, my long-term ex doesn't know that I cheated (haven't spoken to her since the breakup almost 16 months ago). I didn't "decide" I never wanted to see her again, I just wanted out... at any cost. I even wanted her to cheat on me so I could have an out. It's understandable for the cheater/dumper to say they never want to see them again, because that may be the feeling at the time of the breakup. However, I do miss her and will always care about her. 2
Justaguy30 Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Sounds about right, my ex went as far as getting a restraining order against me so I would never find out which was just insane. 1
NopeNah Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 Kind of like shoplifting, but never at the same store twice. 1
Raena Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 You logic is confusing me. An ex is an ex regardless of the way they became the ex, they are still the ex and therefore someone you wouldn't want to hang out with regularly. I mean, I don't want to see my ex... and I didn't cheat. I don't want to see my other exes either... didn't cheat in those relationships either. When a relationship ends, especially badly, you tend to not want to be around that person again. Cheating to end it or not it still applies.
Arieswoman Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 SycamoreCircle, My thinking is that the cheater resolves in their mind to do this because to see the SO would only remind them of their cheating, even though they won't admit even to themselves, that they cheated. In my experience, cheaters have no remorse and no conscience and a sense of "entitlement", so I don't see how the above would be a plausible explanation for their behaviour. Confused yet? :-) No, it's the cheaters who are confused. They tie themselves in mental knots to justify everything they do. Blame-shifting is their favourite weapon along with laying guilt trips on the BS. 1
Sugarkane Posted November 7, 2014 Posted November 7, 2014 I totally get it. I've been completely cut off so the person they cheated with doesn't know. And everyone still thinks the cheater, has the sun shining shining from his butt. 1
dclan Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 SycamoreCircle, In my experience, cheaters have no remorse and no conscience and a sense of "entitlement", so I don't see how the above would be a plausible explanation for their behaviour. No, it's the cheaters who are confused. They tie themselves in mental knots to justify everything they do. Blame-shifting is their favourite weapon along with laying guilt trips on the BS. I agree with this. The good part, is that eventually, those grand delusions of selfishness end up (in most cases) hurting their new relationship too. So more often than not, you can at least know that, it won't end in happily ever after for them (of course this can happen months or years after the break up).
Recommended Posts